Things Michiel Can Not Do In The Haunted House.
Well, anesthetist I needed to make a post since I have been gone for a while and I keep seeing the lists people submit that are similar to the Skippy List, medicine but specific to their job/industry. I could do a nice long phone rep list, but I figure that has probably been done, and I am sure that if it has not, someone can write it.
So, I figured that my ten plus years working in haunted houses might work. So here is a list of things that I have been told not to do, heard about someone else being told, or I have had to tell another actor not to do in the haunted house.
1. Do not touch the customers.
2. Do not touch the customers inappropriately.
3. Do not touch the customers inappropriately, even if you are using a fake severed hand.
4. When, surrounded by severed body parts, covered in blood, wearing a diaper and slinging a table saw at people, it is not ok to have butt crack showing as some people will find it offensive.
5. Do not lick the customers.
6. Do not tell female customers you can smell their cunt.
7. Do not tell male customers you can smell their cunt.
8. Do not tell customers you can smell their “dunt,” because you are not fooling anyone.
9. Shocking customers with a stun gun will get you fired.
10. No humping the props in front of customers.
11. Rookies can not have an actual machete in their scene.
12. No one can have an actual machete in a scene with a strobe light.
13. If someone is so scared that they urinate on the floor, it is not ok to scare the next group into the puddle to “mop it up.”
14. It is not ok to laugh at a customer that ran straight into a wall.
15. It is not ok to laugh at a customer that ran straight into a wall, regardless of how funny it was.
16. Even if they bounced back several feet.
17. It is not ok to wear only a nuns habit and a garter belt before 11:00 PM.
18. It is not ok to spit directly into a customers ear.
19. Even if it was an unintentional result of giving a customer “the bronx cheer” while foaming at the mouth with Alka-Seltzer.
20. The Freddy glove is not to be used for sexual gratification.
21. If a co-worker has coulrophobia, it is not ok to walk them into the clown scene and yell, “get her.”
22. If a customer asks to leave early and requests to be escorted to the nearest exit, it is not ok to walk them through the rest of the house and claim it is a short cut.
23. Actually, 22 is OK.
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September 10th, 2008 at 10:26 am
First. Awesome! I once went through the Hamburg Dungeon, and from the list this haunted house is actually scary.
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September 10th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
I tried to get a job in a haunted house this year and may have mentioned something about sadistic tenancies. I didn’t get the job.
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September 10th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Add:
24. It is not ok to use the water spraying bottle to target sexy young women in next-to-nothings.
25. Even if it does get you a bonus. And an offer to fill the same position for three years running.
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September 10th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
The alka-seltzer one sounds real familiar. I think that Skippy ran into the same issue and posted about it once. Or am I mistaken? Anyone?
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Michiel reply on September 10th, 2008 9:24 pm:
Actually, I wrote that a while back.
The actor that did it was Todd Merriman, who also writes for Skippys List.
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BarmanVarn reply on September 10th, 2008 9:34 pm:
I knew it sounded familiar. Just glad to know that I’m not losing my mind. I was scared the Large Collider had caused me to be stuck in some sort to screwed up deja vu loop.
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September 10th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
LOL great list! very funny. good post!
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September 11th, 2008 at 12:00 am
“It is not ok to use the water spraying bottle to target sexy young women in next-to-nothings.”
Ok im confused please explain, Im originally from up North and It was pretty cold in October so jackets were the normal attire to visit haunted houses
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Angelus reply on September 11th, 2008 12:20 am:
Some places can be warm in October, and others, like where I live, actually have year-round haunted houses.
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Michiel reply on September 11th, 2008 12:43 am:
Here in Texas, it can still get into 80’s and sometimes 90’s during the day, so when you work a haunted house where we never turned on the A/C it can still be a good 8–85 degrees inside. Then you put on a costume, a latex mask, and the body heat of hundreds of people, and you are running around scaring them all night… well, you get the picture.
I have literally been able to wring out my shirt at the end of a night in the haunted house and it was nothing but sweat.
If you are wearing the long latex monster gloves, sometimes the sweat would pool in the long finger tips, but a great way to cool off was to lift your hands up and let the cold sweat run down your fore arms.
Captcha: W Witching
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September 11th, 2008 at 2:47 am
25.) While it might be funny to go gang-hump the rail in Pugsley’s scene, it is not ok to gang-hump Pugsley.
26.) When the actor in the Jack-The-Ripper scene passes out and you have to fill in and all you’ve got on is a clown suit, it is questionable whether you should drop clown-trou, stand over the mutilated prostitute dummy and tell customers, “It’s not what it looks like.”
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Raven Prometheus reply on September 11th, 2008 5:52 am:
“Drop Clown-Trou?” The very phrase makes me giggle. I’m working on my next post based on dropping trou, now….
Captcha: et GETTYSBURG. I don’t think those reinactors (a whole new KIND of geek!) would like it if we “et” their battlefield, although many of them would likely phrase it just so.
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September 11th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
About no.22, did they actually believ it was a short cut?
captcha:he talents (talents what exactly?)
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Michiel reply on September 11th, 2008 9:09 pm:
Yes! And they thanked me too.
Captcha: King Kline… King Kong’s Jewish cousin.
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September 11th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
26.)It is not ok to touch the guest, even if he was harassing another actor, yelling “I want to F**K you!”.
27.) Especially if you are doing “The People Under the Stairs,” you are 6 feet or taller, you are wearing the BDS&M suit, and you tap him on the shoulder and say “Well Daddy wants to F**K you, so bend over or get out!”
28.) Not allowed to smack guest in the face with the glow in the dark netting.
29.) Not allowed to take the camera away from the guest, even if it clearly states outside of the house that there is NO flash photograph, and they blinded you with the flash.
30.) Not allowed to hit the guest, even if they hit you first.
Captcha: madly undertakings- Gee, ya think?
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September 11th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Hmmm I wonder if 17 only applies to haunted houses…
captcha: “St Franeis” patron saint of haunts, harrassment and putting it all down on paper/screen
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September 12th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Hey! I know that haunted house! Did the urine puddle actually get to the electric? I’ve heard the first part, but thankfully missed the clean-up.
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September 13th, 2008 at 5:54 am
1. Don’t scream in the ear of an elderly person. It isn’t effective if the hearing aid is turned off.
2. Don’t bite the ankle of a child. Even if he bites you first.
Don’t tell a young mother to put her baby on your plate and yell “Snacks!”
3. Don’t grab a troublemaker by his nuts and drag him to the door. Grab his nuts and ask him politely to follow you out.
4. Don’t squeeze the nuts unless he resists.
5. Important: If you do 3 & 4, be bigger than the guy you’re grabbing. Also help to be really good at hand to hand, really good.
6. If you happen to make them pee on the floor, don’t hand them a paper towel and point to the puddle.
7. If you make them shit their pants, don’t make the shortcut out the long way.
8. when escorting a person in a wheelchair through the most frightening scene, don’t lock their wheels and run away laughing. Especially if the room is dark.
Never tell a child under 7 years that the walk-around has candy for them.
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September 15th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
26. not ok to stop customers dressed as Jay and Silent Bob just to talk about latest blog on Kevin Smith’s site…for an hour
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September 16th, 2008 at 12:01 am
Now I really REALLY want to work at a haunted house.
-SpaZzy-
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December 11th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
is it just me, or does the one that indicates not to lick the customers stick in anyone else’s mind?
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