Adoption

March 17th, 2009 by LT Ronald

I was recently having a conversation with my fiance, who is all of 100lbs, about having children. Actually wait, she was having the conversation with me, because the last thing that us guys want to talk about is turning “our” vagina into the panama canal, and “our” tits into sprinkler systems… sometimes that last one is cool, but I’m a pervert. So…… anyways, she suggests the idea of adoption, because as I mentioned earlier she is only 100lbs, and she doesn’t want to ruin her “perfect” (by trivial American standards) body. After I recover from my shock of having actually picked someone as shallow as me, Praise the Lord, I start thinking about what I actually know about adoption.

Which is that Angelina Jolie did it, and that little mohawk Asian kid looks pretty cool, oh yeah, and Woody Allen and Mia Farrow did it, and when Mia got old and wrinkly, and Sun-yi got hot, Woody got lucky. Yes, I know, I am going to hell.

So I jokingly suggest us adopting an oriental child, figuring that I already had a good off-color joke gift wrapped in the previous thought/paragraph. Before I could get the joke out, she beat me to the punch with, “no, I don’t think I could raise an oriental child, It would be too weird… ‘You do mommy’s nails now?’ “

She compliments me so perfectly. Then I called my mom and told her what her “perfect” little future daughter-in-law said, and mom replied, “You do gramma’s nails now?”

I’ll let you all draw your own conclusions as to why I am so fucked up.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 17th, 2009 at 10:21 pm and is filed under LT Ronald. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

StoneWolf Says:
March 18th, 2009 at 5:01 am

Ahh, family. There to help you with all the problems you wouldn’t have if they weren’t your family. Also, nice job on finding a girl with the same insanity as you. Thats always nice.

Nate the great reply on March 18th, 2009 5:37 am:

Nah, you’re looking at it the wrong way. He’s marrying his mother.

LT Ronald reply on March 18th, 2009 6:59 am:

You don’t happen to be in Japan, and recently engaged?

The First Nate the Great reply on March 18th, 2009 10:35 pm:

Identity theft! Oh well, I don’t post too often.

The Second Nate the great reply on March 19th, 2009 4:52 am:

I have a clone. Excellent.

Mad Scientist Skills +1

Kieran Says:
March 18th, 2009 at 7:06 am

lol you may be fucked up but at least your fucked up in a funny way ;)

Dave in NC reply on March 18th, 2009 7:16 am:

And we thank you for it.

Billy Says:
March 18th, 2009 at 7:30 am

And I am still trying to find the girl for me… I think it may be time to start checking the asylums…

LT Ronald reply on March 18th, 2009 7:54 am:

though i have yet to meet a chick who enjoys the smell of a fart while giving head
especially if her back is to NFL Sunday ticket
and I’m eating a sandwich she made me with a beer she opened

somehow eHarmony never helped me find that one.

GraveOne reply on March 18th, 2009 8:10 am:

LT if you ever find one like that dont let her go or she is mine!!!!!

eHarmony has lower her standards now… have you tryed searching recently???

Captch inspection 1l…. which inspection is that one again I keep forgeting…

Stickfodder reply on March 18th, 2009 10:29 am:

Wait you found a girl like the one you’ve got on eHarmony? I always thought that crap was a scam.

LT Ronald reply on March 19th, 2009 4:08 am:

I’ve never actually gone on a dating website.

I met my fiance the way guys are supposed to meet girls, at the bar, using pick-up lines, and categorically ignoring her once she showed interest, but giving her just enough attention until she was reeled in.

LT Ronald Says:
March 18th, 2009 at 11:46 am

cowtoon Says:
March 18th, 2009 at 8:24 pm

Oriental kids can also teach you how to make cats into 29 different types of “Chicken.”

murphy Says:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:08 pm

You all are bad bad sick people! And that’s why I love you.

James Cook Says:
March 19th, 2009 at 8:09 am

The real scary thing is most of agree with you.

LT Ronald Says:
March 19th, 2009 at 8:33 am

The real scary thing is, that I do stand up gigs with most of the material that I put on here and get paid for my depraivaty. I use this website as a poor man’s copywrite for my material. That way if there is ever a conflict with another comic or writer on who wrote what bit first I have dated evidence of my original material.

Erkum Pol Says:
November 16th, 2009 at 8:31 am

Two little realized and often overlooked possibilities in regards to an adopted child.

First, your new child may have Superpowers. Check early and check often.

Second, your new child may be the long lost heir to a massive fortune and will support you into very old age.

Big Guy, Lousy Shot

Captcha: kinsella or…. The Kinsella Organization all adoptions are final no returns and ABSOLUTELY no refunds