Errands
Most people have probably heard of the false things to tell is wrong with their vehicle like blinker fluid and bumper bearings. Well, in the military, we have a similar version of that. Only we tend to do it to new guys in the form of sending them on errands to find these things. Here are a few things that I’ve seen, been sent for, or most commonly, just heard about.
First: Chemlight batteries. For anyone not in the military, chemlight is jargon for glow sticks, those little sticks you crack, shake, and take to raves. They work by a chemical (hence: chem) reaction when you break a little glass ampule and it mixes with the rest of the fluid. I’m not sure of the exact chamicals, but it’s all sciency and stuff. Anyways, they work, and not with batteries. It’s common to send a new guy in search of them, usually to the supply section or even the Post Exchange. Mostly it’s to razz the poor, inexperienced noobs, but it can be used to just get them out of a junior leader’s hair for a while. Actually, a friend of mine was sent after these when he got to his first duty station. He’s a bit more intelligent than most people, including his then-new squad leader. And this squad leader was also a douche. It was part of his intent to not only razz my friend, but to probably punish him for the inevitiable failure AND by taking up so much time. My friend figured this, and went straight to the PX, picking up a box of real chem lights, on the way home. Then he spent about 20 minutes finishing his plan, and then he promptly took a nap and enjoyed not being at work. The next day, his squad leader and his platoon sergeant (his squad leader’s boss) verbally jumped him and demanded to know where he was the previous day. He assumed his best parade rest and informed them that he had been out procurring the requested chem light batteries. The squad leader smirked and told him that he had better produce them, or he was in even more trouble. My friend then pulled out what he had been doing for those 20 minutes: the glass vials from inside the chem lights. He had cut them up and removed the “power source” for the chem lights. The platoon sergeant thought that this was so funny that he wouldn’t let the squad leader punish my friend. My friend was eventually promoted to squad leader and took over another section, while the douche bag that he turned the tables on pretty much stayed stagnant for the rest of his career. Moral: don’t be a douche.
Second: Grid squares. For anyone who’s not familiar with any form of orienteering or map reading, grid squares are those little sections drawn on the map for determining coordinates. It’s common for junior leaders to send young soldiers to pick up a box of them. A friend of mine thought he would be cute when he got sent for them and cut up a map along the grid lines, but instead he just got in trouble for cutting up a GTA, or graphic training aid. Not too much came of it, though, they made him do some exercises and sent him on his way.
Third: Rotor wash. There seems to be an inordinate amount of these things in the aviation corps. Basically, rotor wash is the wind that comes off of a helicopter’s rotors. It’s just air moved by the rapid rotation of the rotors, and there is no use for it, and it cannot be collected anyways. It’s common for young soldiers to be sent looking for a bucket of rotor wash. Once, while in Iraq, I was flying out to go on leave and was waiting with my gear near the flight line. Every time a helicopter would come in, a young private, in full body armor and kevlar helmet, would get up with an old, metal bucket, and hold hit out under the the down draft of the rotors. After the helicopter would lift off again, she would look in her bucket, swear, and go sit back down. After observing this for a while, I finally asked her what was up. She told me she had just got to Iraq and had reported to her section, and been sent for rotor wash. She told me she searched high and low, even in the cleaning supplies (I guess she thought it was for actually washing rotors), but never found any. A kind, passing Sergeant informed her what rotor wash really was, no doubt simply trying to help this poor girl get back to productive work. She freely admitted that she then asked this Sergeant if she could just collect it herself, to avoid getting in trouble. I’m sure he did a literal face palm at her stupidity, but he did tell her, probably out of frustration, that yes, she could. But, he said, that she had to do it full battle rattle (armor, kevlar, etc.), and it would undoubtably take a while so she should keep hydrated. At least he through this last part in to keep the girl from falling out from heat stroke….
Fourth: Flight Line. I’ve heard it common for people to be sent for a hundred yards of flight line. Flight line is just a term used to describe where the planes and helicopters are kept/maintained, not any kind of real rope or line. I’ve never seen or experienced an instance of this, but I’m informed by friends in aviation that this is a common errand.
Fifth (and my favorite to actually use on people): The Eye-Dee-Ten-Tee manual. Pronounced just like that. When you get someone in your section that is dumb enough to actually make work harder, it’s good to send them on this little errand. For those that have never heard of this, spell it out short hand. I-D-10-T manual. It looks like the word idiot. And it’s not a real manual. We had a kid out looking for that all over post (I’m at a VERY small base) once, each department bored enough to simply laugh, tell him they didn’t have it, and “politely” send him to another department. We would get phone calls from the various people telling of the kid’s progress. This went on all day until someone finally told him that the post commander had checked out the last copy, and our mark should just go ask him for it. He was too intimidated to go to a Colonel’s office, so he came back all dejected that he couldn’t perform this one task. We told him what it really was, and welcomed him to the unit. We still have fun at his expense, but he’s kinda like a little brother so we look out for him, too. He may not be bright, but he sure is motivated….
Lastly: a quick story on this being used on me. We were in Iraq, getting ready to turn our vehicles over to our replacements, which was one of the last things to be done before we headed home. We were washing the trucks. Someone told me to go ask the 1SG for some turtle wax. I know that Turtle Wax is a brand of car wax, and I know very well that you don’t normally “wax” tactical vehicles. But I was also aware of the oft fickle 1SG who would have us do really pointless and stupid tasks for no reason, so it was not a stretch for me to imagine him wanting us to wax the vehicles. When I asked for some, he asked why. Not thinking, I told him. He ended up smoking (making us to exercises) both me and the guy that sent me on the errand for about two hours. At least we got out of cleaning the trucks….
Raven Prometheus now has his own site, Ruminations of the Raven-Wolf. You can more of his writing there.
Follow
May 11th, 2010 at 5:50 pm
Nobody should ever ask me for 100 yards of flight line. I would counter by asking then for a bulldozer.
Reply
David B reply on March 2nd, 2014 1:35 pm:
My cousin, who was a combat engineer, got transferred across town to an AF Base. They told him to get 100 yds of flight line, not knowing he was a CE. So, he put in a call to his buddies, and a few hours later, a dump truck shows up with 100 cu. yds. of busted up tarmac!
Reply
May 11th, 2010 at 7:30 pm
I heaard a story once about an Air Force cop who was told to get 100 yds of flightline, unfortunately hi ssupervisor did not know he was prior service, in Red Horse (the Air Force version of Sea Bees.) The guy called up the CE shop explained that he used to be CE and told them about the task, apparently he walked in about 2 hours later to hi supervisor’s office and when they started to jump him over being gone so long calmly explained”Sorry, it just took us that long to load it” His boss went “HUH” so he led his boss, and a few others outside, where there were 3 duece’s loaded with the metal panels they use to make temporarry flightline. Moral of the story… Know your target.
Reply
CCO reply on May 17th, 2010 5:25 am:
Good one.
That is great stuff if you can pick some up surplus. My dad had some pierced metal and some solid metal.
Reply
David B reply on March 2nd, 2014 1:36 pm:
See my above reply on what my cousin did.
Reply
May 11th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Also:
the P-U-55-Y form, grinder polish, left-handed metric crescent wrench, gig line, mail buoy watch, a bucket of steam, a Machinist Mates Punch, etc.
Captcha: Tech Villains
Reply
Featherlite reply on May 14th, 2010 8:31 am:
Yes, the left-handed wrench hangs next to the board-stretcher in the woodshop.
Reply
May 11th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
So, while I was at F-16 crew chief 3-level school, 3 months into my career in aircraft maintenance, I was going to check out tools for the day, and my instructor tells me to get some k9p. I thought about it for a minute, because I’d already been sent for a can of A-I-R, and roll of flight line, and a left-handed torque wrench. But we also have weird names for stuff in the maintenance world, like lubricants called PET and molly b, so I figured that he was probably being serious. I ask the support guys for the tools I need, and the k9p. The guy looks at me, wondering if I’m actually asking for k9p. After I repeat my self, he tells me I’ll have to go up to the maintenance supervision office to get the k9p, and I realize that this is not going to end well for me. I did stop short of going to the cop station to get some k9p. I did get a half hour long speech about paying attention to the tech. data, and some extra duty at the end of the day…
Reply
May 11th, 2010 at 8:18 pm
We would send new airmen for “prop wash”. When they would complain about the wild goose chase we would show them that there actually is such a thing, a special detergent for washing propellers.
My favorite however had to be in the navy where new midshipmen where often sent to various locations on the ship looking for a five foot section of fallopian tube. This being being in days before women served on ships.
Reply
miss kitten reply on May 12th, 2010 12:01 am:
my ex worked in the dispensary. the guy in the lab was kinda…off. so they MADE a box of “fallopian tubes” by heating pyrex tubing and bending it into fanciful shapes. they then packaged it and set it through the autoclave.
rendering them STERILE fallopian tubes. worked EVERY dang time with the spiffy brand new corpsmen. *G*
captcha: in above. in above i have absolutely told the truth.
my dad (a machinist mate) used to send guys for a bucket of steam. ;)
Reply
May 11th, 2010 at 9:53 pm
I was sent, while in the Corps, for bulkhead remover. ( a wall is a bulkhead for those in the know). Well, they got me for 2 hrs and two departments, when I caught the supply Sgt. giggling. After being steamed for about 15 min, I temporarily went UA (AWOL) to a Home Depot type store off base (its not UA if you don’t get caught, right? I wasn’t) and reported in that I had found the said bulkhead remover. When I produced the sledgehammer I had bought, I was treated to a round of applause, except my Sgt said that he asked for bulkhead remover, not a bulkhead destroyer, given 15 pushups, and was told “You are two fries short of a happy meal”.
Reply
May 12th, 2010 at 1:30 am
I think I would have produced a thing of rust remover provided the ship was older and I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble for ragging on it (know your audience). Failing that a wrench since I doubt I could get a cutting torch XD
Reply
Twofry reply on May 12th, 2010 2:21 am:
Well, we were onshore, in a wooden barracks, so I thought the sledgehammer was appropriate.
Reply
Kieran reply on May 12th, 2010 7:31 am:
Since they were wooden barracks a Saws-al or chainsaw would have worked too.
Reply
AFP reply on May 13th, 2010 7:28 am:
A cutting tool would probably work better, since it could theoretically remove the bulkhead without destroying it.
I got a buddy in the Maintenance Group who was asked by a Security Forces guy to help him integrate a few new guys out of tech school.
So he takes them out to the flightline, points at the drogue-and-hose refueling pods hanging from the wings of a KC-135, and tells them that they are bombs. And since the plane has bombs on it, the cops have to cordon it off and guard it until it takes off.
Turns out the plane was broken down for one reason or another, and wasn’t taking off any time that week, so the cops were standing guard of an unarmed tanker for most of the day.
Another story, same guy, they had a new dude straight out of tech school working with them, and they were in the cockpit doing maintenance stuff. They told him that it was very important that the landing gear lever not be touched. If they flipped the lever on accident, the landing gear would collapse under the plane and it’d be crushed under its own weight, probably killing anybody inside.
If anybody knows much about how these kinds of things work (or has ever seen the typically not-collapsed-under-its-own-weight results of a plane being on the groudn sans landing gear), you’d know this is bumpkis. Needless to say, somebody “accidetnally” hit the landing gear lever, and the kid was out the hatch and halfway across the flightline before anybody could stop him.
I guess he’ll do fine on his mile and a half. :-D
May 12th, 2010 at 4:59 am
One in the Armor community of the Army is to hand the new guy a ball-peen hammer and a piece of chalk and tell them to find and mark the soft spots in the armor of the Abrahms.
And in Signal corps, where all the parts have odd names, many an unfortunate private has been sent to find a PRICKY-7 (prick E-7). Reportedly, in one incident, the platoon Sergeant told him he really needed a PRICKY-8, and the First Sergeant told him he needed a PRICKY-9.
Reply
Rick R. reply on May 12th, 2010 1:14 pm:
For those not yet fully clued in, radios have a nomenclature that begins with “AN/PRC-” followed by a model number. It’s pronounced “Prick-“, as in “Prick-77” for the AN/PRC-77 manpack radio.
Enlisted pay grades are coded as “E”, followed by a number. For NCOs, they run from Corporal (E4), through Command Sergeant Major (E9).
And now the hillarity becomes clear to civilians in sending the new private to the Sergeant First Class radio chief (SFC = E7), asking for a “Prick-E-7”. . . favorite response was the Staff Sergeant (E6) demanding to know why a Prick-E-6 wasn’t good enough, and proceeding to smoke the private.
Another favorite is asking for an M16 mine clacker. (The M18 Claymore mine has a “clacker” which is a hand squeezed device that generates enough electricity to run down the 100′ of wire and set off the electric blasting cap that sets off the mine. The M16 is the old “Bouncing Betty”, which is NOT electrically fired — it goes off when you step on the pressure switch or hit a trip wire. The proper clacker for an M16 mine is therefore, a boot. Properly polished, of course.)
Sending troops to the motor pool in the fall to rotate out all the “summer air” in the tires for “winter air” — and vice versa in the spring.
A buddy of mine (old Marine) once convinced a cherry lieutenant in Vietnam that, due to the monsoon season and the heavy rain (sideways, with high winds), they had to delay morning colors until the rubber tropical flag could be located. When he got to the captain and shamefully admitted he didn’t know where the rubber flag was, the captain (who was NOT let in on the joke beforehand) looked at him quizzically, and said, “Well, lieutenant, I guess you had better keep looking, hadn’t you?”
I have been known to tell troops we were being transported back from the range via BPCs or LPCs (Boot Personnel Carriers, or Leather Personnel Carriers). New kids always looked excited at getting to ride a cool new armored vehicle until they noticed the gloominess of their more experienced buddies.
Believe it or not, it’s NOT all about hazing all the time. Good NCOs will use this as an example to get newbies to THINK before they act. Bonus points for inventive responses.
Reply
steelcobra reply on May 15th, 2010 12:02 am:
PRC isn’t the standard nowadays. In my shop we have PSC, PRQ, URM, TSC, TSR, and many other Army/Navy designators.
Reply
Jim A reply on May 17th, 2010 6:52 am:
nb. T’s (TSC,TSR) are ground transportable rather than ground portable or pack. http://www.jproc.ca/rrp/an_nom.html
Rick R. reply on May 17th, 2010 11:02 am:
Well, I wasn’t going to cite the entire 58-page MIl-STD-198E to explaine one joke.
Being an infanrty unit, we didn’t have signal generating test equipment, SATCOM capable aircrew survival radios, manpack SATCOM, or truck-mounted satellite multiplexers capable of secure broadband. I haven’t been made aware of these systems being common in infantry units today, either. Certainly not normally manned by infantry privates, or anyone else not a trained signaller.
You see, this prank wouldn’t WORK on someone in a Signals unit.
Last I checked the standard radio for grunts were still manpack SINCGARS and MBITR, both of which are AN/PRC models (for Human Portable(P), Radio (R), 2-Way Communications (C)).
Those alternate designations you are talking about are not really all that new — they just are not ones that most privates would EVER run into.
Nor do they easily work for a funny prank.
Reply
Andrew reply on May 17th, 2010 1:47 pm:
I’m a Comm-E (pronounced commie) (Communications Engineer) that deals with a lot of Cryptographic deviced and information (here-to refered to as CCI equipment). We have an old “feeder” that transfers the stored crypto key into the CCI equipment, a CZY-8, often refered to as a “Crazy-8.” I have personally sent new troops looking for the “Crazy-E8” to load new keys in the CCI equipmet, and if they couldn’t find it then the “Crazy-E9” would suffice. Needless to say an E3 airman is a little intimidated by Senior Master Sergents and Chief Master Sergents. It is almost hillarious to watch them try to approach the “crazy” sergent and tell them I need them to load the new keys.
TeratoMarty reply on May 14th, 2010 7:14 am:
I’m proud to report that I’ve been reading Skippy’s List long enough to have got this joke.
Reply
May 12th, 2010 at 6:04 am
I had two favorites. I was a track mechanic section sergeant. I walked into my maintanence bay one morning and there is a kid, who weighed about 120 lbs soaking wet, jumping up and down on top of a 13 ton armored personnel carrier. When I asked him what he was doing he told me that he was ttestingthe shocks. I looked over at my mechanic, shook my head, and walked out.
My absolute favorite was when one of my cherry privates told our E-6 Motor Sergeant that the M113, which had been down for 6 weeks awaiting parts, wouldn’t be coming up today because they had set the power pack (engine, transmission and transfer case) down on top of the flux capacitor and broken it. The aforementioned SSG practically had kittens.
Other good ones, liquid squelch, exhaust samples, and 5 ton metal stretcher.
Reply
May 12th, 2010 at 9:14 am
In Iraq we got a brand new butter-bar, so for shits and grins I told him that we needed him to inverntory all of the M203 blank adapters for the Battalion, and sent him on his way to all the various supply sergeants, and Company XO’s.
(For those of you not in the service, The M203 is the grenade launcher attached to Service rifles, and has no blank adapter)
Reply
Raven Prometheus reply on May 12th, 2010 9:37 am:
Hey, that’s a good one. and it just so happes that WE just got new LT…. *grins*
Reply
May 12th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Hehe these are some good ones. I was going to menton the “checking for soft spots” on the armor of a tank, or testing the shocks of a track vehicle by having them jump up and down on it.
Another one we did was “collect exhaust samples” where you give the cherry a garbage bag and tell him to hold it over the exhaust pipe, you then fire up the vehicle and the bag would either rip or go flying through the air and make them start over.
In a glorious example of the tables being turned on the person sending the cherry on these tasks, our unit had a pretty stupid new private and the platoon sergeant sent him out for grid squares. Company supply said go to battalion, who said go to brigade, who sent him to division, he made it up to the post supply when a colonel overheard and intercepted him, cut up a training map into squares, but them in a box with a letter attached for the SGT that sent him. The letter said that the SGT was to report to the colonels office no later than Noon the next day with the map fully reassembled.
Reply
May 12th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
EMHO. When doing shift work we would send the new male or female E2/3, Soldier, sailor or airman (airperson?) to collect the EMHO. They would go to each section and ask each person for the time of onset, length and duration.
Reply
AFP reply on May 13th, 2010 7:42 am:
It’s Airman, regardless of sex or gender. I asked about that in Basic.
Reply
Matt reply on May 13th, 2010 12:13 pm:
I knew it was Airman when I was in, wasn’t sure it might of changed the last 20 years.
Reply
SSG Jeff (USAR) reply on May 19th, 2010 7:15 am:
I wondered how long it would take to get to the EMHO report.
I got tagged with it as a PFC at my first duty assignment. Someone in another squad took mercy on me after about 15 minutes of collecting lengths…
Reply
David B reply on March 2nd, 2014 1:48 pm:
What is an EMHO?
Reply
May 12th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
In the squadron, we had a detachment go out with one of the frigates out of Hawaii, They had the new OIC do a annual test of flight deck padeyes to make sure they were tightened down correctly, got the CO of the frigate involved, and had a padeye tester made in the tool shop onboard. He checked out this padeye tester and went to do the test, tried on it one of the padeyes, and threw it over the side when it didn’t fit….The CO who was watching this, called him in for this, “talked” for about 15 minutes about his reckless disregard for a “valuable” and “irreplaceable” tool. and then told him the truth… at which point the det disappeared out of the shop for about 4 hours, until he cooled down…
Reply
May 12th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
It’s not unusual for someone to tell a new deck sailor he had to stand a mail buoy watch. One of our nuclear subs was in the area but couldn’t surface, so it would shoot a special buoy from the escape trunk filled with mail for delivery.
So we’d make sure he was properly outfitted for the mail buoy watch by putting him in a safety harness, sound powered headphone set, kapok live preserver, sound powered headphone helmet, binoculars and a rope with a grappling hook and have him spend an hour at the bull nose of the foc’sle.
I remember once the postmaster of our tiny shipboard post office was angry because the BM’s had set a sailor up on a mail buoy watch without talking to him first – said it was his job to schedule that.
Reply
Jon reply on May 13th, 2010 6:55 am:
We once had an ET2 sent on mail buoy watch. That one went all the way up to the XO, and he made the ET2 stand the watch. Good times.
Reply
May 12th, 2010 at 11:55 pm
Our two favorites are an adjustable allen wqrench, and striped paint. I was once sent for the striped paint, so being a little sharp (and warned about this in tech school), I went to Home Depot, bought two cans of spray paint (paint is color of cap). and painted striped on the cap of one can with the other and returned to my Sgt. He gave me some cudos for creativity, and the chance to set the next noobie up; whom I sent for the keys to an F-15 tail number 0032.
Reply
May 13th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
My uncle, who was in Vietnam, once passed this story on as a caution against trying to outsmart your jerk boss:
While deployed, he was told to go get some shoreline from supply. Being a clever young man, he figured out immediately that this was a prank, so went to Supply and asked if they had any wire or cord that they were going to pitch. Sure enough, they just so happened to have a spool of copper wire that was, for some reason, defective. So, with some wire cutters, he kinked up the wire to look like it could fit in all the nooks and crannies of a coastline on a map, then spooled it back up. He also picked up a couple other things he noticed his unit was low on, loaded it all up and took it back.
Upon arriving, he solemnly informed his superior (can’t remember the rank) that Supply only had a few hundred feet, but if he needed any more, they’d have a new shipment in by the end of the week. Oh, and he’d picked up all these other things while he was at it, and wasn’t he such a good young soldier?
Apparently his superior didn’t like being outsmarted, so replied that yes, he was indeed a good soldier. In fact, he was such a shining example of a model soldier that he deserved the task of supervising all his fellow soldiers as they inspected every single piece of gear and equipment the unit possessed in the hot, muggy afternoon Vietnam sun. While sitting in the shade and drinking a cool glass of lemonade.
My uncle didn’t specify what exactly his fellow unit members did to him for that, but he did explain that ever since then, he’s always pulled the sheets back completely before getting into bed.
Reply
May 13th, 2010 at 6:37 pm
That fifth one reminds me of the time we got our XO to look for a silencer for the howitzers. On Ft Bragg. He took all day, and he was looking, because he got bounced around the whole fort.
The XO man, the XO.
Reply
AFP reply on May 13th, 2010 6:43 pm:
Heh, imagine how COOL that’d be?
*fwoomp*
*thup*
(the *thup* of course, is the 105mm shell *silently* destroying part of an enemy camp…)
Reply
steelcobra reply on May 15th, 2010 12:14 am:
Funnily enough, they have them in Germany, for Artillery training.
http://i31.tinypic.com/23hk4l1.jpg
Reply
Kieran reply on May 15th, 2010 9:07 pm:
I’m sorry but that pic seems just a little… suggestive to me.
Andrew reply on May 17th, 2010 1:57 pm:
wow…. In total agreement with Kieran there… The tank is like “Turn your head and cough….”
Captcha: McAleer could – Could what?
May 13th, 2010 at 6:53 pm
http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/05/12/military.restraint.medal/index.html?hpt=Sbin
New rule for you. Showing restraint does not mean that kind of restraint.
Reply
steelcobra reply on May 17th, 2010 1:17 am:
Oddly enough, I see them only going to ODA members on raids…
Reply
Rick R. reply on May 17th, 2010 11:17 am:
Hell, they awarded the Medal of Honor to a whole unit for that during the Civil War. They refused to fire on the enemy, for fear of hitting (enemy) civilians who had gotten in the way. (As I recall, it literally was a case of “civlians underfoot”, rather than “hiding behind civilians” — I believe the Union forces surprised the Confederates on a deep raid.)
Of course, the Medal of Honor was the ONLY decoration the US had at the time, so it didn’t mean the same thing it does now. (I believe that these guys were NOT amongst the large group of Medals they recinded after the Civil War because they were awarded for things like reenlisting.)
Depending on the action, either the Bronze Star (Air Medal for incidents involving flight) or the Silver Star would be appropriate for “restraint”.
That would provide THREE levels of award, depending on circumstances. Bronze Medal (Air Medal) for a meritorious act, Bronze/Air Medal with “V” for a valorous act, and Silver Star for those guys that really hung it out there to avoid civilian casualties.
We already HAVE the medals — just follow the award criteria.
Reply
May 16th, 2010 at 1:32 am
We had an EN3 send a midshipman to BMC at 0500 for keys to the Rigid Hulled Inflatable Boat. Kinda like keys for a Hummer.
Reply
Raven Prometheus reply on May 17th, 2010 10:29 am:
Oddly enough, we do have keys on our HMMWVs. They go to the padlock on the cable that restrains the steering wheel. Kinda like a hury rigged, Armyfied, version of The Club….
Reply
steelcobra reply on May 17th, 2010 12:49 pm:
All Army trucks have something like that. Using a key-start is tactically a bad idea, because if you need to go right now, fumbling with a key can get you killed/captured. But you still need a way to make sure it doesn’t get stolen.
Reply
Rick R. reply on May 17th, 2010 1:07 pm:
Or worse — the key is somewhere in that newly smoking crater that used to be SPC Johnson’s position.
HardNose reply on May 17th, 2010 9:11 pm:
KInda like the keys to an F-15 Maybe, or even the battery…
Reply
Dragdamar reply on June 7th, 2010 11:36 pm:
When I was at Ft Campbell I was the assigned driver of a 1008 and I had a normal set of keys. I doubt any 1008s or 1009s exist outside of loaner depots now, though. Those were fun trucks.
Captcha: grazed that… innuendo or double entandre?
Reply
May 17th, 2010 at 11:13 pm
For all my fellow Scouts and our brothers over there in Armor. Every one of us has sent a newboots to jump up and down to check the shocks, sent them away for a new reticule, sent to the arms room for a M242 blank adapter (the M3 Bradley Main Gun)…and…of course checking for “weak spots in the armor”. However…how many of you once the newboots found said weak spots…the the newboots (who thinks he was Billy Bad Ass) began to complain how ate up the unit was for allowing the maintenance to get so bad to get “weak spots”…how many sent them to find “Armor Hardner, Type 1” with explicit instruction “NOT TYPE 2 or 3. That is crap it’s paste and a bitch to apply and 3 is a powder and we don’t have time to mix it or a oil drum for that matter.”
No one? Didn’t think so. I did…funny as hell let me tell you when he came back 2 hours later with two 5 gallon cans of motor oil with semi-official looking labels slapped on them saying “Armor Hardner, Type 1”. I dunno who in 3rd ACR’s POL yard made them but THANK YOU! Well worth the wait for the laughs.
Reply
Wyvrex reply on May 18th, 2010 1:34 pm:
3 ACR, were you at Carson at the time?
Reply
AriesOmega reply on May 18th, 2010 1:54 pm:
Yes…yes I was at the time. Ft Carson…greatest kept secret in the Army. Due to the fear of self-incrimination I am NOT going to say my unit…let me just say that I was in Tiger Squadron and we were often described as one of the two units that were often called “RCO’s favorite units” depending on if we got top gun in gunnery or the other unit did. During Gunnery Award Ceremony it was either “US” Troop Appreciation Day or “Them” Troop Appreciation Day due to the sheer number of times “US” or “THEM” had people go up to the stage to accept an award. Also I was in between 1995 and 2001.
Reply
May 19th, 2010 at 10:23 am
My favorites have always been sending people to find “A box of radio frequencies”, “Summer issue snowshoe bindings”, or the always classic “Long weight” (Sounds like long wait. Ask for a long wait, and you usually get one).
When I worked with the artillery, they told me one they used to do to new gunners in the M109s (self propelled artillery with a big honkin gun) that they were about to fire High angle of elevation shots, and to prevent damage to the floor of the vehicle, they had to remove the floor plates to let the gun recoil through the floor. So we’d go to do our gun checks prior to a fire mission, and there was always some poor new gunner on all fours with a ratchet removing the floor plates, and four or five older guys outside laughing their asses off.
Reply
May 19th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
Don’t forget the BA-eleven-hundred-November with an ST ring. One of my buddies nearly got his ass kicked when he was sent to get one of these for the motorcade.
Captcha: steiner peace – that moment of brief tranquility you feel between finishing off a pint of beer and ordering another one.
Reply
May 31st, 2010 at 11:42 pm
I’m surprised that no one mentioned the turret wrench “- you know Sir, when you go more than 13 turns counterclockwise, and the turret comes loose from the hull? ” Heard about that one when I was in Germany in 1982, from our motor Sergeant. Actually got our brand new Motor Officer ( Butter Bar 2Lt ) at Ft Knox on that one once – being the only Mech Engineer unit on post helped , he thought it was special to our M728 CEVs. Me being the helpful E-5 I was, told him that you had to go to Boatwright, the Post Support Facility to get it…
Got an earful from the Motor Sergeant for that one …
Then , on a related note, another E-5 in our platoon actually convinced the Cavalry M1 tankers we went to gunnery with, that our “tanks” had short gun tubes because they were modified for urban combat. Had to go all the way to the Post Commander to get the modification request signed off! ” One of Bill’s better gags, as I recall..
Reply
AriesOmega reply on June 1st, 2010 4:30 am:
Ahhh Yes! The beloved turret wrench joke. I love that one! We’d get the new boots most of the time on a slight variation of that one during services.
We’d explain that the turret is getting pulled from the hull of the Bradley (true) and we had to prepare it for removal (true) so in order to do so we had to remove bolts (true) so that it could be lifted out of the hull (true).
When that task was done we’d give them a puzzled look as to why it wasn’t “popped up”. Then explain to them they had to rotate the turret 22 times clockwise, 15 counter-clockwise and three clockwise to pop it up from the hull…like a combo lock. Once we had all six of our M3’s going in the platoon and pretty much all of the other platoon going at once. I want to say the ADA Battery that had Bradleys also were in on it. The Motor Chief was a character saw this and egged thing on by saying the combo changed.
Reply
cevgunner reply on June 1st, 2010 7:19 am:
Nice! Got to love a Wobbly One with a sense of humor – changed the combo! The image of all those turrets turning at once!
Our Battalion Motor officer was like that – he was an E7 that went Warrant, loved to “teach” young officers…Humor is a great teaching tool..
That’s better than having 4 crewman jumping up and down on it while someone inside hand cranks it around – and explaining the resulting scene to the LT as the field expedient fix …
Captcha: hawk said – hawk said we’re having too much fun!
Reply
June 1st, 2010 at 12:40 pm
As Motor Sgt I devised the ball peen hammer qualification test for the mechanics assigned to my section in Ft Hood Texas in the mid 70’s.
The newbie (what kinda bee don’t fly? A newbie)when he got to our section would be required to take all kinds of Qual tests mostly local requirements ie: local driving conditionds (real), fire extiguisher qualification(real), and my personal favorite Tow Pintal Hook qualification. These were real training sessions that a competency card would be issued for. after all of that was acccomplished the newbie would show up for work. I would greet him, introduce him to the section. I would the take him to a circle we painted on the floor of the Motor Pool for the purpose.
I would explain that there was one more qual test he had to take, along with the usual blather about how foolish we though it was but orders are orders.
The test was to hit inside the circle 10 with the rounded end of the hammer. The newbie would then proceed to bang away scoring a perfect 10. I would then tell him that that was a good practice session and now he could take the test, we would then blindfold him. When we blindfolded him we would tie the blindfold on and remove his hat. The new guy would proceed to bang away as before in the circle and as he did so we would pass his hat under the hammer cutting round jagged holes in it. when he finished he would remove the blindfold expecting to see the results of his test. I would hand him back his hat and send him to work. Our company area was too far away for him to go back and get his other hat and this poor guy would be force to wear this ragged unservicable hat the rest of the day. Due to the unique nature of the damage the rest of the battalion knew what was going on and razzed him all day.
At the end of the day for evening formation I would jump all over him for his substandard uniform and present him with a replacement for his danmaged hat.
The replacement headgear was a Cav Stetson and all the triming that at the time was an optional wear item. It was purchased by the Motor Pool NCO’s as a welcome.
Reply
Rick R. reply on June 1st, 2010 2:51 pm:
Now that is just cool, as opposed to “fucked up hazing.”
Reply
June 1st, 2010 at 6:17 pm
Ahh…this Warrant was a W-4. He was older…I want to say he was in the tail end of the Vietnam Era and wore an 11th ACR combat patch. I do belive he was enlisted…knew about this “midget of toko ri” and saw that when he went back there as a W-1 she was still working.
I know his name…don’t want to bust him out…but if you served with me you know him…biiiiiiiiiggggg mustache.
Reply
Raven Prometheus reply on June 1st, 2010 8:31 pm:
Actually, I’ve met very few W’s that DIDN’T have a “biiiiiiiiiggggg mustache.” Of any field. Even the females…. I wonder if it’s a requirement to graduate WOC school….
Reply
Rick R. reply on June 2nd, 2010 6:47 am:
Yes, the same 1970’s porn star mustache that was so popular with cops before they all decided they needed Ranger high & tights.
WOCS — “Candidate, what is a WOC?”
“Sir, a WOC is what you fwow at a wabbit!”
Reply
June 8th, 2010 at 12:07 am
On a related note: I also worked for a Carnival; Frazier Shows. There are usually some local kids that hang around the spot during set up and they generally just get in the way so a ride jock or jointy will send the tyke on a hunt for a board stretcher, balloon hammer, lightbulb grease, or lightbulb wrench. Same principle, but to keep annoying children busy rather than abusing the FNG.
Reply
August 15th, 2010 at 10:49 pm
My father told me about one apprentice builder who got back at his employer trying this kind of trick on him. He was sent out to purchase a glass hammer so he went to a glazier and had him cut out the outline of a hammer for him. Then he had the glazier send the bill to the builder – needless to say custom cut glass like that isn’t cheap.
Reply
February 5th, 2011 at 10:07 am
When. I first reported to NAS Mirimar I got sent on one such “errand”. My 1st Clas sent out for blue gig line. How washeto know I was raised in the military? So like the dutiful little brian dead newb he expected me to be I went “looking” for blue gig line, in my barracks room, the chow hall, the video arcade. Now he set me out at about 0830 and I got back to the shop about 1545, shift ending at 1600.
The 1st class was less than ammused by my absence and asked where the hell I had been all day. with my most inoccent face possible I told him id been all over base loking for the blue gig line and could not find it anywhere.
Reply
February 5th, 2011 at 10:26 am
And for my favorite one to pull on newbs. We would send rooks to the supply officer, the FEMALE supply officer for a case of 5-TDs
Reply
August 9th, 2011 at 10:01 am
ahh, all the fun pranks that the senior conscripts as well as recently discharged reservist like to pull on rookies in here. The most popular one is to call the company’s/battery’s duty NCO’s number when the duty NCO has ordered one of his/her deputies (I can’t find better name for it, basically ‘deputies’ are junior conscripts who stand in for the duty NCO during his/her refreshment break, when the duty NCO goes to eat, and at night take turns guarding the barracks) to stand in for him/her while (s)he leaves to eat or for his/her refreshment break.
This phone call, as you may guess, is a prank with a certain objective, usually the caller would claim to be an officer in high or otherwise important position, such as commander of the installation, or the MP officer in charge of the installation’s security, after doing so the caller would give an order, such as tell the poor deputy to have the whole company/battery in closed formation on the parade field wearing certain uniform within the next half an hour.
The thing is that at this point the deputy is required to write down the order as it was given, make a phone call back so as to make sure that caller was who (s)he claimed to be, and only after that comply with the given orders, but as this kind of pranks are usually pulled at the very beginning of the service of the most recent batch of conscripts it is always a possibility that the deputy, having been in the military for just few weeks (I was assigned as a deputy at the end of the second week of my service), doesn’t dare to make the confirmation call, or doesn’t remember that (s)he is required to do so.
I remember having been once woken up in the middle of the night as a result to this kind of prank when someone called claiming being some high ranking officer and ordering a fire drill to be held immediately, luckily it was summer at the time.
Reply
March 2nd, 2014 at 1:41 pm
A Chief Machinist Mate had a work party working in the engine room and decided to have some fun with one of his new E2s. (One of my other cousins) He told him that he needed a bucket of steam to make the cleaning easier. He handed him a bucket and sent him to the engine room. Several hours later, my cousin came back with the bucket full of water. When the chief jumped all over him about his absence and the said he had sent him for steam, not water. My cousin replied, “It *is*steam, only it’s condensed. Just add heat, Chief.”
Reply
October 11th, 2014 at 12:20 pm
Many thanks for the great article, I was searching for specifics like this, going to take a look at the various other blog posts.
Reply