More Fun With Online School
From my online school:
We are discussing an essay entitled Sex, unhealthy Lies, ambulance and Conversation. It is about how marriages can be strained, or even destroyed by the fact that men and women communicate in a different manner.
So far six students have responded, myself, and five of my female classmates.
We were asked to describe the content of this essay in the class forum. I did so, and according to the professor, I did a good job.
Every single female student to respond has said some variation of “Relationships get strained because men communicate wrong.”
Future Cat Lady Bonus:
They have all acknowledged that the essay claims that men do not enjoy communicating in the manner that most women prefer, but that their own relationships are safe because their significant others are all the exception to this rule, and genuinely like it.
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March 22nd, 2010 at 11:36 pm
**WARNING: THIS POSTER HAS BEEN DRINKING HEAVILY**
to quote a recent movie:
“Real men hide their feelings. Why? Because it’s none of your f**kin’ business!”
Also, we tend to censor ourselves in mixed company.
…what was my point? Oh yeah. Relationships. They become strained because one or both (all three? eighteen? whatever) people involved have unrealistic expectations of the other party(-ies) involved. I’ve been there on both sides. The only way to make it work that I’ve seen is prove Einstein wrong:
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
to all who seek to enter a relationship at some point in the future, pick one and believe it: “He won’t change as much as you want him to.” or “She’ll change more than you want her to.” (though in most cases neither was the person they led you to believe they were in the first place… whether they meant to or not.
…sorry if I just regurgitated some small part of your paper, Skippy… and double sorry if this ticks someone off…
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Jim A reply on March 23rd, 2010 5:43 am:
On self-censorhsip…So I’m making out with this girl on her couch. And she says “What are you thinking?” Instantly, I’m a deer in headlights, ’cause what I’m thinking is “what can I say that will NOT STOP THIS.” It’s like that scene in Terminator where all the possible responses are scrolling past his eyes. Well I DID reject “Fuck YOU, asshole.” I think my response was “That there are too many layers of fabric between you and me.”
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Lit reply on March 23rd, 2010 3:13 pm:
Excellent quote from an otherwise disappointing movie by the way
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March 22nd, 2010 at 11:43 pm
I looked that up, and read it, and it taught me things. I hadn’t thought about the patterns of women-support conflict in conversation (oh, that same thing happened to me), men-minimize conflict (oh it isn’t that bad).
Both of those reactions have always bothered me. Interesting. But I tend to do more “yeah, i know what you feel” rather than the opposite. I’m doing it right now, in fact.
I like the evolutionary theory. In general, men were hunter/gatherers, on the run, and visually attentive (gotta see those tigers hiding in the bushes). Women were socially oriented, talkers (the medicine bush is this soft pink with a little bit of blue on the tip, the poison bush is the rose one with purple edges)
When my guy friend gets down, I start telling him about my troubles too, and try to help him think his way out of it logically (don’t laugh!). Maybe I should start telling him to suck it up?
capcha: much schoola
What i feel like when I start talking about evolutionary psychology.
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David reply on March 31st, 2010 4:22 pm:
My wife doesn’t respond well to “suck it up, wuss!”
What works better is something paraphrased as “thats sad, how would you like me to help?”
I’m waaay beyond trying to guess what she wants me to do. She has a problem, she wants to talk about it, and sometimes thats all she wants.
With us guys, if you tell us about your problem we EXPECT to give you a solution. If you don’t want an answer, don’t tell us the problem! But this approach, counter-intuitively, doesn’t work with my wife. So, fine, if you want an answer you’ll tell me you want an answer and otherwise I’ll just pretend I have a vagina.
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March 23rd, 2010 at 12:47 am
simple yet terrifying truth. men and women are different. evolution has made us so. this is no a statement of judgement, men are no better than women, just differently designed. even a 5 year old can tell the difference. this extends to communication. men and women evolved with overlapping (though not exclusively so) needs for communication, examples being expression of danger (oh shit a fucking tiger) to expression of non-reciprocation (what the fuck i gave you the x now you wont share the y). there seems to be this myth that men/women communicate wrong; the truth is that right/wrong is meaningless, they communicate differently. further any thought that your man/women is “better” needs to be considered only after one wonders what they want (ie food, sex, beer, tv, sleep, some one to talk to). this does not mean that people dont think about other (quiet the opposite), just that we rarely understand what they are thinking. and really its probably a good thing.
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Timmyson reply on March 23rd, 2010 6:41 am:
That’s awfully convenient, isn’t it? That men and women communicate differently, but both styles are equally valid? The only reason you can’t make sweeping generalizations is that this is a general trend, and individual variation covers a lot of ground (think wide, overlapping bell curves). There are better and worse ways to communicate in different settings, and as our society becomes more closely connected, and managing relationships becomes more important, I think it’s fairly clear that women are more talented, in general.
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skippy reply on March 23rd, 2010 8:33 am:
I’m not sure what you mean by “awfully convenient” here. Men and women do communicate differently, generally speaking.
As far as different situations having different best communications techniques, that is based entirely on who is talking. We’re not discussing applied technologies where radio is superior to cell phone for some purposes, we’re talking about communication.
Essentially we are speaking about using different languages (granted different body languages not verbal) One language isn’t inherently superior to another. English isn’t better than Portuguese. It just let’s you communicate better with the people that speak that language.
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March 23rd, 2010 at 6:41 am
I would have to call that at least a 20% Cat Lady Bonus (Or CLB), plus maybe a 12% Stepford Wife Bonus (SWB), And definitely a 30-40% Domineering Wife Bonus (DWB).
Also, I would like to put an “I’m sorry if I just offended someone” disclaimer on this.
Captcha: Elvis accosts — Yeah, that he does. Though probably not these people.
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March 23rd, 2010 at 7:51 am
That’s painfully meta, Skippy.
Captcha: Exempts William. I guess William is the “perfect man” all those ladies are dating. Little do they know, he’s stringing them ALL along.
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Billy reply on March 23rd, 2010 10:41 pm:
…The hell?! My name is William, and for as a “perfect man”, I must be going downhill pretty quick, because the last word to describe me is “perfect”.
captcha: mckenery their, oh, so its William mckenery, my mistake captcha.
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March 23rd, 2010 at 8:36 am
I wanna see a blogger on Dancing With the Stars. Any volunteers, Skippy?
Capcha: and photoed. shades of The Guild?
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skippy reply on March 23rd, 2010 8:38 am:
Fuck no.
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March 23rd, 2010 at 9:14 am
Come on, Buzz Aldrin is doing it!
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Catherine reply on March 23rd, 2010 10:12 am:
No, Buzz Aldrin is busy punching conspiracy theorist douchebags in the face. Because he’s a REAL MAN.
Though, come to think of it, if he based a dance routine around this I could totally get behind it.
Captcha= Pinnacle and. Why yes, five minutes of asshole face punching would be the pinnacle of modern dance.
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spcMIKE reply on March 23rd, 2010 10:39 am:
Michael Collins asked to go on Dancing With The Stars, but they told him he had to stay in car.
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theodore reply on March 25th, 2010 3:03 am:
MAN! He’s never going to live that down, is he?
captcha: cancerous erasures — sounds like the Atlanta school districts.
March 23rd, 2010 at 11:51 am
it is pretty simplistic but… i read somewhere that men “need” to speak 5,000 words a day and women “need” to speak 30,000 words a day. and that the main reason for communication breakdown between husbands and wives is that by the time men have gotten home, they’re done, and women dont get done for a longer period of time.
its a theory. i can see some merit in it, but i have known men who were chatterboxes and women who were not. the secret to communication in marriage? actually listen to what your partner is saying, if you arent sure you understand them, clarify, and actually care (or try to) about what your partner tells you.
i dont always understand TheEngineer but i try. he doesnt always care about what i want to tell him (i’m a stay at home housewife, for gods’ sake!) but he at least pretends to listen. and as long as we keep going this way, things should be good.
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Willy reply on March 23rd, 2010 3:28 pm:
Nice theory. Now apply that to a culture with a vocabulary of 200, half of which are different words for different types of snow…..
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AFP reply on March 25th, 2010 11:14 am:
CE Troops?
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LoC reply on March 24th, 2010 12:05 am:
Five THOUSAND words a day?!?
…I doubt I’ve averaged a fifth of that in my lifetime so far… most days I get by on grunts and gestures.
Captcha: gloom blocks… goth legos?
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David reply on March 31st, 2010 4:25 pm:
My wife gets her 30,000 word/day quota on Facebook.
captcha: yodeling to
Yeah, probably that too, but not while I’m around. She knows that’ll just turn me on, so no yodeling.
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March 23rd, 2010 at 1:59 pm
I think that men and women can certainly get along fine, as long as both remember that the biology of the opposite sex is COMPLETELY different from their own. I don’t care how enlightened of a man you think you are, you will never understand what it is like to be a woman because you do not have a uterus. And ladies, it doesn’t matter how butch you are, you will never understand men because you don’t have testicles.
That being said, I do believe that men’s basic motivations tend to be somewhat simpler than womens, Men need food, sex and someplace reasonably warm and comfortable to sleep. As long as they have those things, they usually don’t complain too much. Women, on the other hand, are catastrophes.
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Melody reply on March 23rd, 2010 9:51 pm:
AMEN.
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March 23rd, 2010 at 2:34 pm
The underlying assumption is that either partner gives a crap about what the other is saying. Fundamentally, I don’t think it is so.
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March 23rd, 2010 at 5:39 pm
I think as long as both agree on what’s for dinner or agree to cook their own food it should all be fine.
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March 23rd, 2010 at 6:07 pm
In my freshman year sex-ed assembly (yeah, we had a whole school assembly for it), the speaker told us this: “Men’s brains are like waffles; everything is compartmentalized. Women’s brains are like spagetti, everything touches everything else.” This is one of the best statements to ever come out of the marrige counseling department.
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Tink_OC reply on March 23rd, 2010 6:16 pm:
I would love this analogy, except that I hate spaghetti. I understand when you put things in terms of food!
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March 24th, 2010 at 10:12 am
It’s impossible to limit everyone to the same standards. I have some female friends in the military that I’m able to communicate with quite effectively due to shared experiences, in fact, in areas dealing with the job I have a better rapport with them than I do with my wife.
On the flip side, when I have to talk to my teenaged son, I get thru to him a lot more effectively than my wife is able to.
I guess that bolsters the argument that men and women communicate differently, but there are other factors to consider in that we live in a military community, and my son and his friends consider members of the military to have a certain authority about them and are more liable to listen to them when they speak.
At least that’s how it’s working now. Next year, when he will be a jr in high school, I may just be another stupid dad.
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David reply on March 31st, 2010 4:31 pm:
I get through to my teenaged daughter more effectively than my wife does. Maybe its a guy thing. I don’t know. Those two, they fight like they’re sisters. Me, I just listen to what she is saying and only answer the question she is actually asking. I win because a) I’m not telling her something she doesn’t want to hear, and b) she has to articulate the problem.
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March 24th, 2010 at 9:24 pm
Communication isn’t necessarily gender dependent. There are a few categories that you can mix-n-match, the “I care”, “I couldn’t care less” “I feel like talking about it” and finally “I don’t like to talk about it.”. At that point, it’s more dependent on a person’s priorities, than a person’s gender. Of course, i’m probably wrong, and will suffer the verbal repercussions of being so. But then I can easily toss that under the “I couldn’t care less” category.
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March 26th, 2010 at 11:31 am
http://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/tannend/sexlies.htm
Here’s the article, by the way.
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