Random Thoughts on Pornography
I wonder if anybody has ever made a “Planet of the Apes” themed adult movie.
I keep imagining dialogue from such a film. Best line so far, “Get your hands ON me, you damn dirty apes. You dirty, dirty apes.”
I also think somebody should probably make an adult film version of “The Dark Knight”. The scene that I can imagine is that the various “porno mafia” families are trying to decide what to do about this new guy in town, the Joker. They are in the middle of a meeting discussing solutions when he walks in.
“Give me one reason why we shouldn’t kill you?”
“How about a magic trick. Watch me make this dildo disappear.”
**>>SLAM<<** "Ta-daaah!" On the subject of porn, I suspect that there is a potential audience for an "All Santa". Now I am sure that someone has made a porno with Santa Claus in it. But I am proposing a porn where every participant is Santa. But not in a gay way or anything. Just dress up a chick as Santa too. Granted, in order to make it work you would probably need a lady of size in the to play the part, but it could work. Just imagine, two Clauses, with snowy white beards entwined sensuously, as their bowl-full-of-jelly bellies slap into each other with the passion and vigor of bull manatees during mating season. You are welcome for that mental picture by the way.
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January 22nd, 2010 at 1:32 am
i just stabed my minds eye with hot pointy things, and its’ still there.
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SSG Hay reply on January 22nd, 2010 7:25 am:
That’s why you can’t go straight to the eye-gouging, as you don’t want that to be the last thing you see. You have to do something fun first, like go visit the peelers, then do the eye-removal.
Wait a minute… why am I typing this? He can’t read it now! Poor blind bastard…
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January 22nd, 2010 at 2:59 am
They have indeed made a porno of Planet of the Apes, appropriately titled “Playmate of the Apes”. It also features a man in a PINK gorilla costume. Not sure why, but it’s at least half as funny as you think it is.
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Katie reply on January 23rd, 2010 4:57 pm:
Twice as funny. One of the ‘dumb’ humans gets named by the female in the ‘role’ played by heston “Labia.”
…
My mom and I stumbled across it late one night and spent the rest of the evening MST3King it. My mom’s awesome.
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Christian Lafay reply on January 27th, 2010 2:29 pm:
That was the same company that did Lord of the G-String. They are MST3K porn, haha
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January 22nd, 2010 at 5:26 am
Argh my brain! Argh!
But I agree about the dialogue, some of it could be pretty funny (“You maniacs!”)
Thing is, I just don’t see pornoJoker working all that well taking into account that a) Clown porn is gross and b) the kind of stuff that guy would be into is likely to get you a life sentence for watching it
Oh, and pornoBatman is blatantly a fetishist
Captcha: He Kabobs – if this is something santa does I don’t want to know [shudder]
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January 22nd, 2010 at 5:27 am
Skippy damn you, damn you to heck my percocet riddled mind did not need that image. plus the capticha had to be shared after this one
Come snorted can we say yuck
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January 22nd, 2010 at 5:59 am
For almost Santa porn, watch “Bad Santa”. Lauran Grahm chanting “Fuck me Santa!” over and over in a hot tub is very entertaining.
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January 22nd, 2010 at 7:34 am
Sweet flaming Cthulhu, I even tried claymation to get rid of the image. That just made it worse!
(ok, and funnier, I admit)
Captcha: brief whimsey Yeah, that fits.
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January 22nd, 2010 at 7:54 am
This is where rule 34 comes into effect.
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Anonymous reply on January 22nd, 2010 8:16 am:
Or 35, for the Dark Knight.
waitaminute, Skippy, you can’t do any of that. List items 167-169.
Captcha: matrons Mr. I believe the captcha gods have told me what you are missing in those movies.
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Jon reply on January 22nd, 2010 8:26 am:
I was referring to a different Rule 34:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rule%2034
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Anonymous reply on January 22nd, 2010 8:28 am:
I was referring to that rule 35. The one that says, “If there is not porn of it, there will be. No exceptions.”
After that I was talking to Skippy.
L.B. reply on January 22nd, 2010 10:08 am:
And I’ll invoke rule 34c: If there is no porn currently being made for it, it needs to be by any means necessary. ^_^
Minty reply on January 26th, 2010 10:02 am:
No, no it doesn’t. I can think of several things off-hand that should never, ever be made into porn.
Captcha: “avowed group.” It only works if we all agree. Come on, now.
January 22nd, 2010 at 10:37 am
Thankfully, I have already become quite adapt at various methods of destroying mental images. For example, modify the santa one with the scene from Devils Rejects when Capt. Spaulding is having a dream, then fast forward to one of the bloodier scenes. Eye-gouging never works, as it never removes the thought from your mind. So, if you want to go to such extremes, go for the lobotomy, it’ll ruin your mind anyway, and destroy the image.
captcha: smooches was, because after this post, anything of that nature is past tense.
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Anonymous and STILL Employed reply on January 22nd, 2010 2:36 pm:
Icepick lobotomy – go through one eye to get at the brain, kill two birds with one stone
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January 22nd, 2010 at 11:44 am
Great, now my imagination is filled with Santa Claus, humans in gorilla suits, and the Joker doing lines off a money shot on a hooker’s ass.
Mispeld Says:
January 22nd, 2010 at 5:27 am
Come snorted can we say yuck
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January 22nd, 2010 at 11:45 am
For the Dark Knight:
It would be the Jerker, not the Joker.
He would not slam the dildo into someone’s head. It would be, um, well…yeah.
Actually, I want to see that porno now. And the Santa one. That would be awesome.
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Minty reply on January 26th, 2010 10:03 am:
Wouldn’t that be ear-f#cking?
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January 22nd, 2010 at 2:33 pm
Need Brain Bleach NOW!!!! I did not need those images in my head thank you very much.
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January 22nd, 2010 at 2:38 pm
If you need to displace a bad mental image, you can find a filler that takes up all that room.
Janet Reno in a bikini and Barney Frank in a Speedo.
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Tervic reply on January 22nd, 2010 5:41 pm:
*weep* Why must you torture my poor brain so?
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January 22nd, 2010 at 10:39 pm
What has been visualized cannot be un-visualized!
D:
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January 23rd, 2010 at 2:43 am
Oh come on, it’s not like he said that it was Roseanne Barr/Arnold and Rosey O’Donnell getting it on in a kiddie pool of jello or something.
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Mispeld reply on January 23rd, 2010 3:43 am:
why? why? I’m thinking I am going to stay away from here until im off the percs damn it/
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Anonymous and STILL Employed reply on January 25th, 2010 5:21 am:
You evil, evil person you.
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January 23rd, 2010 at 3:44 am
*adjusts her halo and goes back to looking like a nice, sweet, Canadian girl.*
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Minty reply on January 26th, 2010 10:04 am:
Too late! And we know someone somewhere has the pictures.
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January 23rd, 2010 at 5:18 am
oh dear…. uh, Skippy? dare I admit I’m a)a let’s-call-it-stout female, AND b)I do a couple amateur gigs each year in full Santa Claus regalia?
(or as one of my siblings so charmingly put it, “So, you gonna go out cross-dressing again this year?”)
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January 23rd, 2010 at 2:34 pm
*starts googling some of these people*
o.O wow.
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January 24th, 2010 at 7:56 am
There needs to be He-man porn. Skeletor could really give someone the bone. New meaning to Skull-fucking!
Instead of Mekaneck having an extendable neck… well you get the picture.
Instead of Man-at-arms you could have Cock-at-hand or so on.
I’m sure I’m missing some obviously good ones, but it is early still.
CAPTCHA: Consider Sunroofs: hadn’t really done that before, guess I had better next time I look for a new vehicle.
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ltc_insane reply on January 24th, 2010 2:22 pm:
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/23373
some He-man silliness.
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Minty reply on January 26th, 2010 10:06 am:
The problem with He-Man porn is that it would quickly go gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but there’s a small handful of female characters, and you know that if Skeletor–
Okay, I’ll just stop right there.
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January 24th, 2010 at 8:21 am
Some years ago, somebody — sorry, I totally forget who — wrote a sci-fi story titled “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex,” about Superman and Lois Lane and the, ahem, difficulties consumating their relationship. Look it up: I dare ya!
captcha: vilifies Slim — why, what did Slim ever do to you?!?
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Ian M reply on January 24th, 2010 7:23 pm:
‘Man Of Steel, Woman Of Kleenex’ was written by SF author Larry Niven.
it’s great. Lines of speculation that simply boggle the mind, and which guarantee that you’ll never look at Superman in quite the same way ever again.
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January 25th, 2010 at 7:27 am
Check out Tom Smiths song “Superman Sex life boogie” at http://www.tomsmithonline.com/lyrics/superman.htm
Best lines? “I’ve told her a thousand times, we can never risk normal sex.
If I lose control, we could get David Cronenberg to do the special effects,”
and
Well, I’m sick of all the supervillains poking fun,
Just because I’m still a virgin at age thirty-one.
I don’t like the names that I’m being called,
I couldn’t care if Lex Luthor’s always been more… bald
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January 27th, 2010 at 2:43 am
I don’t know about PotA pr0n, but I do know that I was unfortunately subjected to some very, very *B-A-D* werewolf pr0n on Hallowe’en. It wasn’t even so much that it was werewolf pr0n that bothered me (everyone’s got a quirk, I can deal with that), it’s that it was so appallingly *B-A-D*. I honestly couldn’t imagine anyone getting in the least bit aroused by it; I imagine, like me, they would be sitting in slack-jawed astonishment of how hideously *B-A-D* it was. (Did I mention it was bad? It was really horribly horrible. And bad.)
I imagine that almost anything can be interesting if done properly, but they can be really poorly done as well. PotA pr0n is already going to be leaning toward the bad . . . it doesn’t need any help.
(Captcha: “ought mumblers”. “Ought” what, I wonder?)
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Billy reply on January 27th, 2010 7:28 am:
Somehow, I can’t help but think that werewolf porn is only one step away from being furry porn.
captcha: warning papers, we need more of those attached to porn.
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January 27th, 2010 at 7:34 am
No, no no no no no, no, furry porn is a whole different can of disgusting worms.
Although this particular werewolf porn was very close to being furry porn.
(Captcha: “hesperus years” – how frighteningly apropos!)
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