The Hills Are Alive
Shortly before my wife gave birth, I finally got around to seeing “The Sound of Music”. I’ve never been particularly interested in seeing it before, but as most readers have no doubt realized, when my wife was pregnant, we pretty much did whatever she wanted.
Partially because I wanted to do whatever I could to make her feel better. But mostly because I’m pretty sure that a pregnant woman could claim temporary insanity, and we own a great many pointy objects.
For the most part, I found it to be a rather bland family comedy movie, with some rather distinctive music. While that particular brand of show-tune doesn’t really do it for me, I have to admit that the songs have left their impact on musical culture. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve seen those same songs performed in another show or movie.
Spoiler alert
The movie didn’t really get interesting for me until near the end, when it got completely awesome. Specifically the part where the Von Trapp family started to escape from the Nazis.
The family had just run away from the music festival, and were hiding in the nearby abbey. The Nazis were searching for them and with them was Rolf, the young messenger boy who had previously been romantically involved with the older Von Trapp daughter, Liesl. Now a loyal member of the Hitler Youth, Rolf is suspicious that the family may be nearby. So he hides himself behind a gravestone, while the other Nazis leave, hoping to lure the family out.
But Maria Von Trapp, played by the always delightful Julie Andrews, wasn’t having any of that shit.
An ominous shadow can be seen rising behind Rolf. There was the quick scrape metal being drawn, and a gray flash of steel as Rolf found himself on his back, with 18 inches of Wakizashi pressed into his throat.
“Mother no!” Exclaimed the eldest Von Tramp child. “You musn’t kill Rolf, I love him!”
“Now Liesl,” began Maria sadly, “You know full well that once the blade of my ancestors has been drawn, it may not be re-sheathed until it has been quenched with blood.”
“Besides,” added her step-son Friedrich, “He’s a Nazi now. It’s always okay to kill Nazis.”
“Ack-gurgle,” suggested Rolf helpfully, as the blade pierced his esophagus.
“You are seventeen going on dead, you little miscreant,” spat Maria, twisting the blade.
But the gurgle was just too loud, and an SS officer came down the stairs to investigate.
“Halt!” He cried, brandishing a luger.
“Suck toddler you bastard!” bellowed Captain Von Trapp, as he hurled little Gretl like a squealing Bat-a-rang, who twisted into a somersault mid-flight. She collided feet first with the unfortunate German’s skull, pulping it.
Captain Von Trapp grabbed the dead man’s pistol, and quickly searched his pockets for any extra magazines.
“Maria, we need to secure transport out of here. Does the convent have any vehicles?”
“They have an automobile, I’m sure they’ll let us take it.”
The family patriarch nodded and barked out commands.
“Kurt, Friedrich, you two take point. Lisel, take care of your sisters, Maria cover the rear. Let’s move!”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth, when his sons faded into the shadows, and silently moved towards the garage, eager to flush out any further threats to their family.
They family crept rapidly through the convent, occasionally and silently dispatching soldiers whose search pattern brought them just a little too close to the family.
Unfortunately their good luck could not continue forever. Just before reaching the garage one young officer managed to squeeze a single round off just before Brigitta snapped his neck.
The shot alerted every German in the convent. Herr Zeller, their commander entered the hallway. He took in the carnage and noticed the trail of bodies leading to the nun’s garage.
“They plan to steal an auto,” he cried at his Aid. “Get the men back to the vehicles, and be ready for pursuit. You two follow me to the garage to see if we can stop them.”
There was a mad scramble in the German vehicles in front of the convent as they prepared to set off. They pause as Sister Margaretta’s voice is heard.
“Forgive me Mother Abbess, for I am about to sin.”
The Nazis glance at each other confused, and one of them turns on the lead vehicles headlights, revealing a road that is blocked with nuns. Nuns standing shoulder to shoulder, and holding a simply bewildering assortment of medieval polearms.
“Now sisters, ” began a corporal, “I know that Frau Von Trapp used to be a member of your order.”
The Mother Abbess interrupted. “She has been trained and bloodied in sacred warfare, just as the rest of us, and you heathens will not be allowed to take her.”
“Sister, get out of the way, be need to pass.”
“We shall not.”
The corporal began to reach for his side arm. “Sister please don’t make me–“
“Nun shall pass!” screamed the Sister Superior, and with that the unfortunate soldiers were swept away by a tidal wave of habits and halberds, with the occasional spray of gore.
Meanwhile, the Von Trapp parents and daughters were seated in the nuns beat up car, trying to start it. The engine was just beginning to turn over when the Nazi commander and his lackeys entered.
“Halt!” He yelled, and then for good measure he added “Hans! Fire a warning shot.”
Hans’ MP-18 barked once, and little Gretl collapsed in an arterial spray.
“Thith thucks” she murmured, lisping cutely to the last.
“Hans you moron! A warning shot! A warning shot! You were just supposed to scare them!”
“They look scared to me Herr Zeller.”
“Foolish man. Did you really think your family, no matter how highly trained in ancient and deadly martial arts, could ever hope to escape the might of the Third Reich? Now I have taken you and your wife prisoner. You will serve the Wehrmacht as ordered. Your wife will be used as a hostage to insure your compliance. You daughters will be sent to an indoctrination facility until they are ready to serve in the Fuhrer’s battle harem, and your sons…” he trailed off noticing that the two boys were missing.
“Captain where are your sons?”
“Behind you.” And with that two submachine guns rattled off.
“It’s a trap!” Cried Hans, as he was cut down.
“It’s a Von Trapp, bitch!” Replied Kurt as he emptied the remainder of his magazine into the twitching bodies.
And then the family drove off into the mountains, as the refrain from the famous “Hills are Alive” song began to play.
My wife has pointed out that I may, in fact, have fallen asleep during this movie.
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November 11th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
You fell asleep before the ending and got it mixed up with SAW, didn’t you…
Hee hee hee..nicely sick, Skippy. Grats again on thing one and thing two!
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November 11th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Um… um… OK *I* still haven’t seen it yet, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t go down that way… I’m going to have to side with your wife on this one.
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November 11th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Now THAT’s the ending I’ve always wanted. Infernally boring movie,that one.
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November 11th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Man, they have a Director’s Cut of _every_ movie now.
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November 11th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
I don’t know what these women are talking about. This is everything I remember from the film.
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November 11th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
I think the sleep dep is starting to work on him, kids!
It’s one of my mother’s favourite movies. I have heard it more times than I can count.. but fortunately I’ve never actually watched it.
My father’s opinion is “It’s better than Gone With the Wind.” to which he means better = shorter.
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November 12th, 2009 at 2:26 am
Dear Skippy:
It’s official – I like your version of this movie WAY MORE than the original. Congrats on the little newbies. Watch out for those pointy objects!
“Nun shall pass!” Hee!
Capcha: gurney Maxwell – the unsung genius who got the screenwriting credit for this!
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November 12th, 2009 at 3:58 am
ZOMG! I wish it ended that way!
SHMBO loves that movie and can quite literally quote it word for word! o.O
She originally recorded it from TV and watched it so many times that the tape broke….so she went and bought it….on VHS.
The VHS player broke so she went and bought a new VHS player….LAST YEAR! (I absolutely believe that it has to be the last one in existence that was brand new in a box!)
Last week, guess what? The tape broke so she goes to the store and buys it in Blue Ray because the quality is “Brilliant!”
“Ah, Sweety? Do you remember that conversation we had about Blue Ray players being a little too expensive at the moment and we would wait until the Christmas Sales to get one?”
“What are you saying?”
“We don’t have a Blue Ray player.” (Some peace and quiet for me at last!)
“Really? Bugger! What am I going to do? Right. I’ll be back in a bit.” (Uh-oh)
2 hours later – “….and the salesdroid said that it’s pretty much future proof, what ever that means. You can figure that out later. Just plug it in and call me when it’s ready so I can watch the movie. Chop, chop, bub”
(Yes, she does say stuff like Saledroid, Clue-by-four, etc. Here’s the ultimate irony, though. She hates sci-fi)
…..hmmmm. It’s starting to making me think along the lines of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. That would be an AWESOME remake.
Captcha: hamburgers 101 – Is that when you start with a cheese burger and work your way up? mmmmmm..hamburgers
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Speed reply on November 12th, 2009 5:59 am:
Oh man! Now you got me thinking about Sound of Music Zombies! Bwa-hah-hah-haaaaa!
And hamburgers. Dammmit, 3 hrs til lunch!
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Schwal reply on November 12th, 2009 8:31 am:
Sound of Music _Nazi Zombies_ no less.
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Tzanti reply on November 23rd, 2009 12:27 pm:
I knew someone who would play the Sound of Music OST over Return to Castle Wolfenstein…in the office.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Skippy, if more chick flicks ended like that more men would be willing to watch them. Lets see what we can do about this. And yes, it is always okay to kill Nazis. Even if they’re from Illinois.
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Minty reply on November 12th, 2009 9:58 am:
Especially if they’re from Illinois.
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Viper Chief reply on November 13th, 2009 2:52 pm:
I hate Illinois Nazi’s! (Gun the engine and run though their formation)
Captcha: Out steer – How did the dang thing get in there anyways?
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November 12th, 2009 at 6:55 am
I was in the stage version of Sound of Music when I was in high school (back in Nineteen-Dickety-Three) and since I can’t carry a tune in a bucket, I got to be a Nazi (and several voices off-stage… no singing voice, but I am a decent mimc) – this ending is far better than the one we did. It would have been awesome to been “Unnamed Nazi #3, who’s neck gets snapped by Brigitta”.
Though our production did have one thing your version does not – our Mother Superior was pregnant. Not showing very much, but still hilarious when you found out about it. Hey, I graduated from a tiny ass town in western Missouri, the local hobby was having kids before we graduated.
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Auryn Grigori reply on November 16th, 2009 7:26 am:
Kinda makes the song “the hills are alive” take a whole new meaning, eh?
Captcha:mammals state…that the hills are alive. With the sound of sthupping, it seems.
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November 12th, 2009 at 7:09 am
I have to admit that I have always liked the Sound of Music, but then I saw it at the theatre when it used to be a summer re-release. That being said, I would pay to go see Skippy’s ending. With the more mature and sophisticated tastes of an ex-GI approaching middle age, his version sounds much more entertaining.
Captcha: Morris Mohawks – The Nazi hairstyle after Marta got finished with them?
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November 12th, 2009 at 8:12 am
hey skippy what the hell did you eat before wathching the movie…. I wanna see that ending….
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November 12th, 2009 at 9:08 am
This must be the remake Quentin Tarentino made.
Captcha: bovines Nixon’s, I never knew Nixon was a farmer now.
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November 12th, 2009 at 9:33 am
My mom hates watching movies alone. So, when I was about 10 or so, she asked if I wanted to watch a movie with her. “It’s called the Sound of Music,” she said. “No, it sounds stupid,” I said. “But it’s got Nazis,” she said. *Wow,* I thought, *Nazis. Must be a war movie. Can’t be all that bad.* You know, now that I think of it, if it had actually had Skippy’s ending, my mom and I might still get along….
Captcha: 500 urinated Wow. That had to be something.
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November 12th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Think of it this way–it’s good training for all the crappy kid-friendly movies you’ll be forced to watch for the next 10+ years. To make it a little more tolerable, I recommend this list as a starting place.
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November 12th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Of course I’ll nitpick and say that a misericorde would make more sense than a wakizashi. Both geographicly and linguisticly. After all, aren’t nuns all about mercy?
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November 12th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I’m female, and I find the movie incredibly boring. It was actually my FATHER that was hugely into musicals, and watched them like crazy
In fact, upon reflection, almost all musicals I’ve seen have been rather boring for me. The two I’ve liked so far have been “Cat Ballou” and “Thoroughly Modern Millie” which also has Julie Andrews. With an opening scene of her beaded necklace moving since she doesn’t have a flat chest.
It also has a song about tapioca pudding, and Carol Channing shouting “RASPBERRIES!” randomly.
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Minty reply on November 12th, 2009 7:10 pm:
I think I would actually enjoy that musical.
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AFP reply on November 13th, 2009 10:00 am:
Have you seen Dr Horrible’s Sing Along Blog? It’s rather good, and even has some action scenes and superheros and villains!
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Katie reply on November 17th, 2009 4:46 pm:
Don’t forget that the action sequences are PURE Scooby Doo and it has more stars than you can shake a stick at! And the tapioca song was a guy bending over backwards trying to improve a girl…
Tap tap, tap tap, tap tap, tapioca everybody!
Did you hear? They turned it into an off-broadway play. You can get the sound track for that one. Totally tricked me, I thought I was getting the movie songs… ;.;
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November 12th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
What is it like inside your mind?
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November 12th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I like this ending better then the real one.
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November 12th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
It has been many years since I saw it, but I swear that’s exactly how I remember the ending, too.
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November 13th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
If only. Right now, my policy on musicals is people have to die in order for it to be enjoyable. And not the pathetic “died of random disease” or any “died peacefully”, but instead they have to die of violence. Like “Little shop of horrors” and “Sweeney Todd.” Of course, a general rule of men is the quality of manlieness is in fact, how much obsession they have on violence/sex. The more, the manly. Muscles are secondary, as a guy built like Swarzenegger falls rather low if he is a pacifistic guy with no sexual intrest. But that is my own method. That is why many musicals fall under the “chick flick” catagory. Hell, if the lady is singing, as long as she is naked/killing things, or a combo of the two, any guy will watch it.
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Fenrir reply on November 14th, 2009 7:15 pm:
Judging by your rules, you’d probably like Repo: The Genetic Opera. Check it out if you haven’t seen it. Lots of people die, many by having their organs ripped from their bodies.
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Billy reply on November 15th, 2009 10:34 am:
Now I just hope that it’s on the Playstation Network. I saw a trailer for it before, and thought it sounded good.
captcha: $100,000 buddhas, thats going to be one big belly.
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Billy reply on November 16th, 2009 9:45 am:
I finally got to see that movie, and loved it. Thank you for the suggestion. Now i’ll probably be singing “repo man” when i’m bored at work stocking the shelves.
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November 14th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Don’t know what state your mind is in…but I want that damn zip code NOW!
Captcha = workouts Susan – and Mary, and Sally, and Jane, if they are in want/need.
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