Update on Offspring
So I should probably have put up another post by now, but unfortunately my life has become a maelstrom of bottle warmers, sleep deprivation, and poop.
So much poop.
I’m actually getting concerned because the amount of poop coming out seems to outmass the amount of food going in. It’s as if the whole conservation of mass thing doesn’t apply to my kids.
Sooner or later things should die down enough for me to get something written again.
Oh, also, since several people have asked for more details on my kids such as pictures, their names, etc; here’s what I am willing to share.
They are fraternal twins, one boy and one girl. They both came out okay, and the little girl bit the doctor on here way out. I’ll probably talk about them more when they are old enough to do stuff.
I’m not going to post pictures of them up here, or reveal their names on this website. There are plenty of blogs and websites out there where the author makes a big spectacle out of their kids, and I just find that distasteful. Also I don’t want a papertrail in the event that they start manifesting any superpowers, and we have to go into hiding from a shadowy government cabal.
Also I’ve been seriously sleep deprived since my wife started labor, and I may just be over thinking things, or being over-protective and paranoid, but I figure that as a new parent, that’s my right. And if I change my mind I can always pretend to launch them into the stratosphere with a weather balloon or something.
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November 4th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
She bit the doctor? Feisty.
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November 5th, 2009 at 1:37 am
Dry diaper= A
Full diaper= B
Food=C
If B-A is less than C, you don’t have to worry. If it is more, worry. If the main source of “C” is still attached to mom…just try your best I guess.
Since we must maintain secrecy can we have a “secret superhero names for the babies” competition? Because I want to vote for “Thing One and Thing Two” since it is nicely Ssussical a la The Cat In The Hat, and “Supertwins” as a unit. Have any mysterious rings that can link together to activate their superpowers been delivered or manifasted beside them in the crib yet?
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StoneWolf reply on November 5th, 2009 5:22 am:
I recommend Skipper for the boy, and Skippa for the girl, using classic english endings for masculine and femminine names (er=boy, a=girl).
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Ihmhi reply on November 5th, 2009 8:05 pm:
Brownplow for the boy, and Chompette for the girl.
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November 5th, 2009 at 3:21 am
Totally reasonable; way too many people put way too much personal data out on the internet.
I like JoAnn’s Thing One and Thing Two; if not that, how about Skipper and Skippette?
captcha: decapitated eating…. maybe you should check your daughter for fangs?!?
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November 5th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Hang in there, skippy.
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November 5th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Skippy, after exhausive study, it has been determined that babies do not in fact violate conservation of mass. It has been experimentally verified that the anus of newborns is attached via quatum tunneling to the inside of black holes. All the mass the big black beastie eats up has to go somewhere. Older black holes eventually collapse due to mass depletion by infants. So there’s your answer.
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November 5th, 2009 at 5:29 am
Not to worry you, but attempting to “eat” the doctor could be an early warning sign of zombieism. That might also explain the extra mass of excrement. Are there any missing small animals? As they can’t talk yet you don’t know if they are asking for brains to eat.
Sorry for the above, I just could not resist. Congrats on the off spring. I wish the only the best for you and yours.
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Ash reply on November 5th, 2009 8:39 am:
Or Vampirism. Your daughter is most likely a vampire!
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Frank "Grayhawk" Huminski reply on November 5th, 2009 9:08 am:
Just so long as she isn’t sparkly, the vampire thing is acceptable
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Ash reply on November 5th, 2009 10:03 am:
True.. My husband has already stated that our child will most likely be a vampire. And that I look like a snow man. Although if my daughter gets my skin tone, she will have the ability to reflect the flash from a camera and blind passing drivers if she wears shorts to go jogging.
StoneWolf reply on November 5th, 2009 1:25 pm:
If its a vamp, light it the fuck up. If its a spakly vamp, call for fire support. Something that says “I just plain don’t like you.”
Ziggy reply on November 10th, 2009 1:57 am:
We already estalished that babies are vampires.
To recap:
1. They sleep all day.
2.They’re awake all ight.
3.And they live off the body fluids of others.
Maven reply on November 5th, 2009 6:12 pm:
Nom-noming the heads of dolls and toys could be a hint.
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November 5th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Don’t worry about the sleep thing. When the boy hits 18 you’ll start getting some. When the girl hits 36, you’ll get even more.
On a serious note, keep all info about them as private as possible, too many freaks and stalkers out there. Code names & superhero names help. My son’s nom du web is Thickburger, at least one of his names.
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November 5th, 2009 at 5:39 am
He could always name them
Thing 1 and Thing 2
John and Yoko
Zan and Jayna
Luke and Leia (my favorite)
Draw a mustache on one of them, thus the “Evil Twin”
Damien and Jesus
Willow and Xander (maybe)
but I guess you have to get wife permission before any of these are approved
Captcha: Fingers Perverts WTF are you guys doing over there!?!?!
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Minty reply on November 5th, 2009 12:42 pm:
Yoko? Yoko?!
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November 5th, 2009 at 9:14 am
More name suggestions
Spike & Drusilla (or just Dru)
Sid & Nancy
Marvin & Wendy
Jan & Jace
Zoe & Wash
Itchy & Scratchy
Mork & Mindy
Captcha: fielder’s wieners (a reference to the recent World Series?)
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November 5th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Super Secret Name Suggstions
Gordon and Alyx
I like Grayhawks Zoe & Wash, except they are married :(
Simon and River!
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November 5th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Keep it simple.
“Hey Kid,” and “No, the othe one”!
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November 5th, 2009 at 10:52 am
See, Matt reminded me of another set!
Dammit and Jesus Christ!
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David reply on November 5th, 2009 11:50 am:
Classic Bill Cosby. Nobody can be offended by Bill Cosby.
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Dave in NC reply on November 6th, 2009 4:40 pm:
Dammit! Get inside!
But Dad, I’m Jesus Christ!!
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November 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Rats. I saw the headline and thought maybe there was a new album coming out.
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November 5th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I think you should let Captcha give them aliases.
Examples so far: “Cappelle Esquire” and “Béjart Mottled”
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November 5th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Just refer to them as Luke and Leia on here.
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November 5th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Skipp, they’re born with the miracle of all miracles, brown fat, and they metabolize that for a while in addition to the input of formula/mom’s milk. So they really are pooping than they take in. For at least a little bit.
Are the poops green yet? Another little treasure Mom forgot to mention.
Our little guy got put under the grow lights for a night (bad jaundice), and the excess bilirubin that got purged made his poop bright, insan-o green. It was awesome.
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JoAnn reply on November 9th, 2009 10:19 pm:
Grape huice, when they are old enough to drink it, or grape koolaid will also cause the incredible green poop effect. Freaked me out the first time I ever saw it.
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November 5th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Again, congratulations to you both. How big were they? Watch out for that daughter of yours. She’s a fighter.
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November 5th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I’m more of a borg person myself. One of two and two of two. But I will accept Luke and Leia as code-names.
As for the poop, it looks like more mass than it is because its mostly liquid right now. Just wait until they start eating solids. You will be able to tell what your kids had for dinner last night by examining their poop the next morning.
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Maven reply on November 5th, 2009 6:17 pm:
Wouldn’t that be “One of Two” and “Two” of Two????
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Maven reply on November 5th, 2009 6:18 pm:
OK, I’m sleep deprived myself, just ignore that.
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November 5th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
I’m naming them “Sam and Ella” :)
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November 5th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
I definitely think Thing 1 and Thing 2 :)
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November 5th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Thank you for satisfying my curiosity, and I wouldn’t think about asking for names/images/etc.
… Mork and Mindy. no. Please don’t hit me with the egg ship. GDAR
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November 7th, 2009 at 1:25 am
KISS principle of naming = Boy and Girl
Just my 3 kopeks.
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November 7th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Just wait until they had their first solids. YOu can use the smell of that poop as a weapon.
Also, in my head I’ve been calling them the Skiplets >_>
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November 8th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Congrats!
I am not a mother, nor am I even close to that stage of my life, but I totally agree with you not wanting to post your children up all over the site! Good call, and good foresight in case they display superpowers…you NEVER know!
Honestly, if I have to look at one more video or album on Facebook about my friends children, I may lose it. Although, I’ll probably be just as bad when I start having children. Oh well! So, thank you for keeping a site I visit daily for a dose of awesome free of “Aww” moments.
Again, congrats! And, I’ll admit, I sent my fiance some of the lists you wrote about pregnant women and what happened during the births as a precaution of sorts to him – even though I know he’ll probably subject me to his own brand of strange during that time. Otherwise, I think he got the idea.
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November 10th, 2009 at 1:54 am
I vote for Willow and Xander. It’s just barely not so obvious that it’s an alias. Luke and Leia is better, but unfortunately more obvious.
I really dig the idea that two or three years from now, when Skippy is describing some baby adventure or other, some new reader won’t know it’s a joke. “Sheez. Can you believe it? This guy named his kids after the Scoobies? What a maroon.”
You know. Like the people who read The Onion and get upset. You can’t buy humor like that.
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November 11th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Well at first I was thinking of what my son and daughter are referred to at home, “the boy” and “daddy’s girl” but I like thing one and thing two much better. The question is now, which one would be thing one and which one is thing two?
Capcha: Tuberous Times. Sounds like a potato festival.
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