Fun with the Special Forces
Hi all! It’s been a good long time since I posted regularly, but since Skippy asked that a few of us who have posted frequently in the past help him out a bit while he’s busy gearing up for fatherhood, I figured I’d dig deep back into my past and give y’all a little something new.
In my 12 years in the Army or National Guard I have always counted my interactions with the Special Forces as unforgettable. In Iraq in 2005 I was able to have them run missions concurrent to mine, and always enjoyed extra spoils, such as blue and green lensed Oakleys or a Leopuld Mark-IV scope, but my most enjoyable time with the SF was when they took me to the — shit just wrote an awesome tale and remembered it was classified…… had to delete it. In a nutshell, if I were to join a clandestine governmental organization I could receive Korean Massages anytime I wanted and it would be considered honorable work for my country. Stupid security.
In Germany in 2003 I again had the opportunity to work with a few Special Forces guys. Their unit was in Afghanistan, but these guys were busy in Germany basically stealing tactically acquiring everything they could get their hands on. The only problem was that the Iraq war started kicking off at that time, and they could not get all of those trucks and equipment flown over to Afghanistan because all cargo planes were reserved for the Iraq invasion. They tried very hard, I even watched their LT (who was really a Major, but wore LT insignia, and told me that it was because LT’s get away with more shit) pretend to be a 2-star General while trying to get a plane using my office phone.
They ended up stuck in my building for 2 months. They were pretty decent guys, so I ended up taking care of them while they were there, MWR trips, ski trips, wine and beer festivals, etc. anything I planned for my unit I invited them along. On the ski trip they introduced me to the concept of Backpacking beer while I ski. BRILLIANT!!! Basically, when you bust your ass after trying to ski down what amounts to a cliff, you can reach into your back pack, pull out a cold one, and contemplate the meaning of life while 10 year olds zoom past you and throw you your ski’s, poles, hat, and dignity. We had reservations in the 4-star Army MWR facility that was about 30 minutes from the ski slopes. My SF friends didn’t like that distance, so they flirted with the Turkish desk clerk at the 5star hotel on the side of the ski slope and got her to give us suites for the same price as the 4-star place 30 minutes away. They explained to me that, in Germany, Turkish people were treated worse than Mexicans are treated here in the states, and that if you are extra nice to them that they will respond better because they are used to being mistreated.
When they finally got their plane and left I was a little sad to see them go. I received a knock on my room door the next day. The way that our barracks were set up was 2 to 8 man squad rooms on 4 floors. I had a 2-man room to myself, being the company XO. Standing at my door was the most intoxicatingly beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life, she flashed me a seductive smile, and in broken English proceeded to tell me that the Special Forces guys appreciated my help so much that they sent her to thank me in whatever way I desired. Being a married man at the time, and a fucking moron FAITHFUL man, I had no choice on what to do. So I looked down the hall to my right. RIGHT SIDE IS CLEAR! Looked down the center of the hall. CENTER IS CLEAR! Looked down the Left side of the hall to see PFC Heelly with his jaw on the floor drooling over this chick. LEFT SIDE IS NOT CLEAR, I SAY AGAIN LEFT SIDE IS NOT CLEAR FOR FIRE, DO NOT PLACE YOUR WEAPON IN THE V-SHAPED NOTCH AND DO NOT COMMENCE FIRING!
As I sighed, smacked my forehead against my palm, I told this lovely woman that if she took care of PFC Heely, who was unmarried, and I suspected a virgin, that I would consider myself thanked.
On the bright side, I never had to restock my fridge with beer the rest of that deployment.
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October 21st, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Somehow, this reminds of a certain scene in the otherwise execrable movie Starship Troopers–“Is that Flores? …Twenty minutes”.
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CCO reply on October 22nd, 2009 10:04 am:
OK, not execrable, but certainly disappointing.
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Lit reply on October 22nd, 2009 3:25 pm:
No, you had it right the first time.
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October 22nd, 2009 at 12:29 am
Don’t know weither to congratulate or slap this PFC Heelly for being in the wrong place at the wrong (right?) time!
On the plus side working with the SF is always going to interesting =).
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October 22nd, 2009 at 3:53 am
You Sir are the greatest XO ever. of all time.
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ltc_insane reply on October 22nd, 2009 6:36 am:
i agree, all XOs should strive for that level of awesomeness ;)
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October 22nd, 2009 at 7:21 am
First off, that’s plain awesome.
Secondly, I don’t really have any more stories right now. I may have some after I come back from leave in a couple of weeks. Still, I really hope I can work with some Special Forces guys down the road, but the only way I see myself doing so is getting put onto a sub rigged for that kind of stuff.
I must admit, I’m jealous of PFC Heely from that story. Lucky SOB.
Captcha: arteries Baltimore. Weird. Didn’t think there were freeways in Baltimore.
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October 22nd, 2009 at 10:14 am
DO NOT PLACE YOUR WEAPON IN THE V-SHAPED NOTCH AND DO NOT COMMENCE FIRING!
Shouldn’t that be something like: CLEAR YOUR WEAPONS! PLACE YOUR WEAPON IN THE V-SHAPED NOTCH!
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LT Ronald reply on October 22nd, 2009 10:47 am:
I would have rather cleared my weapon in the V-Shaped notch!
The V-shaped notch represents a “vagina” in this metaphore.
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Shadowydreamer reply on October 22nd, 2009 11:16 am:
A new form of russian roulette.. sex with german hookers!
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LT Ronald reply on October 22nd, 2009 11:45 am:
Don’t judge me! If Jessica Biel and Mia Kulnis had a some sort of Super-hot lesbo off-spring this whore was what that would have looked like! This was at least a 400 Euro prostitute!
Shadowydreamer reply on October 22nd, 2009 1:48 pm:
ROFL.. Hot, and still cheaper than a wife. ;)
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:35 am
So, my dad was AF. 12th TFW in Vietnam. It was seconded over to Special Forces. Now, he’s got some stories, including the time he stole a fridge from them. But the one that stuck by me was what happened after he came back to the States. See, his tent was the site of the floating poker game as he tended toward the end of deployment. Guys over every night or day, hanging out, listening to the reel to reel. Drinking.
It was a bit of a mess. So he paid the houseboy to pack his stuff when it was time to go back to… gonna say Fort Worth.
So when he got back, he discovered the houseboy had carefully packed everything. Including all the grenades the SF guys had decided they didn’t want on their belts/whatever when they were sitting down.
… and nobody noticed the whole flight over.
So he put ’em all in a box, carried ’em into the base, walked over to the armory officer, said, ‘Here!’ and dumped ’em out all over the counter. Then left.
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October 26th, 2009 at 11:21 am
would this be the American SF? The ones who got captured wholesale by the Para’s in the 1980’s and traded in return for beer whilst on exercise in Germany? I also seem to recall the SF and the supporting American regiment complete with jeeps, half tracks and missile launchers lost EVERTYTHING including kit they were wearing to the Para’s. And yes they did shop it all bak to the UK with them at the end of the tour :D
However know the right people in the forces and you have one hell of a ride
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August 3rd, 2010 at 9:59 pm
One of my friends has one of those stories that you can’t tell from his time in the service. He found himself in an undisclosed situation with some SOF operators.
He said that one of the things you NEVER want to hear from those kinds of guys is “Here, hold this for a second.” You can never be sure what it or he is going to do.
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David B reply on February 28th, 2014 8:58 pm:
Oh, I bet!
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