It’s Another High School List
Well it’s still Christmas break. I know this because my online game servers are just chock full of high school students. Thanks to them I now know important things such as anyone who disagrees with you is clearly a noob, co-operative dialogue can be replaced with volume, and that “gay” can be used as a verb.
I weep for the future.
So to honor these delightful seasonal opponents I present a list of things that you cannot do in High School.
(Submitted by an anonymous young lady who fears that her principal may look at this site.)
1. Don’t sneak into the principal’s office and “fix” the Friday memo.
2. Or replace his photo of his wife with Bill Gates.
3. Or draw boobies on his desk with permanent marker.
4. Don’t print SPAR (Smart People Against Religion) posters with the printer in the resource room.
5. Especially if your P.E. teacher is Baptist, and the extra balls are stored in there.
6. Especially if the computers store records of what was printed by who, and when.
7. Don’t draw boobies on security cameras. (They didn’t have lights, so I assumed they were off.)
8. Don’t spellcheck the yearbook.
9. Even if I was dared.
10. Even if I was offered money.
11. Don’t use spray starch on vending machines’ coin slot.
12. Don’t tell a clueless bully that vaginas have teeth.
13. Don’t ask him for his lunch money.
14. Don’t wear a “mikey effin way” shirt to school. (And I spent $10 on it at a thrift store, too.)
15. Don’t play with Superglue and the teacher’s coffee cup.
16. Don’t snap off Barbie heads and leave them in the soil for the archeology activity.
17. Don’t play Doom in computer class.
18. Don’t use the onscreen keyboard in the same.
19. Don’t point out that the science teacher is a VERY stupid Christian who told the class to pray to God to forgive us after we opened our anatomy books to page 74. (male reproductive organs.)
20. Don’t ask the librarian if they have a copy of the Anarchist’s Cookbook anywhere. (They don’t, trust me.)
21. Don’t release three (barking) dogs labeled 1, 2, and 4 into the school. (And hide cassette recorders all over the place with nothing but barking noises.)
22. Don’t replace a movie about the digestive system with lesbian porn. (Unless its Bill Nye.)
23. Don’t fill a sex doll with helium and put it in the gym. (I hid it in a pile of clothes at a thrift store.)
24. Don’t ever sign graffiti in the art room. (Even though it’s art.)
25. Don’t spam from school computers.
26. Don’t spam school computers.
27. My rights to taking my laptop to school can be revoked.
28. My rights to be in the hallways between classes can be revoked.
29. So can my locker privileges. (They see me putting beer bottles filled with Pepsi into it one more time, I’m screwed.)
30. Don’t glue a condom over the taps in the washroom.
31. Don’t put panties in the gym teacher’s bag.
32. Or the principal’s chair.
33. Or the garbage can in the hallway.
34. Or the vending machines.
35. Don’t replace “Stevie the Two-Headed Snake” with a Cabbage Patch head.
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December 29th, 2008 at 1:24 am
Just dunno what to say. I think all my best tales went on the other thread.
But I now have the smutty, juvenile thought, courtesy of No5, of the gym teacher has extra balls and he keeps them in storage. Crap, I know, but it’s Monday morning, OK.
Actually it does remind of one of our teachers recounting a university cricket match where he acquired a third ball…from a particularly well-aimed bouncer. He used this example to explain the need for the ‘box’ when batting, saying that the added protection meant he was only in hospital for two days >.<
captcha: Villanova for – Supreme Overlord of the Earth!!!
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December 29th, 2008 at 9:44 am
#20 – if you do find a copy, DO NOT use their nitro recipe, it’s flawed and you will die. In many scorched pieces.
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Jim A reply on December 29th, 2008 11:24 am:
Back in the day, the persistant rumor was that the book was written with the INTENTION of blowing potential revolutionaries up.
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Minty reply on December 29th, 2008 11:39 am:
Ditto to the above. I’m surprised anyone actually tries to make anything out of it these days. Especially since so much is already freely available on the internet.
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Chris reply on December 29th, 2008 3:55 pm:
The online sources aren’t any safer. As of 15+ years ago, half of them wouldn’t work and half of the rest would explode if you looked at them sideways.
I was wise enough not to try most of them, as proven by the fact that I still have all of my fingers.
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Stickfodder reply on December 31st, 2008 9:57 am:
A friend of mine tried to make a CO2 bomb with instructions from the book. The bomb itself worked fine it’s just that he used one of the small fuses from a strip of firecrackers. His new nickname is Nubs.
TGOBG reply on January 5th, 2009 6:19 am:
but keeping them in a jar on your desk doesnt count
Raven Prometheus reply on December 29th, 2008 3:09 pm:
Also dittoed. I’ve literally had to scrape the remains of a teenager off of a ceiling. We got called in to help ficure out how he blew himself up. He had used one of those “online sources” to make C-4, and well…. On his desk was a (badly) printed copy of the ol’ Cookbook. Definitely leave it to us professionals. At least our families get PAID if we go all pink-misty.
Captcha: Finally Marshusty. What the hell is a Marshusty, and why have we been waiting for it for so long?
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tzanti reply on December 30th, 2008 1:50 am:
The biggest joy of the Anarchist’s Cookbook was knowing you had it when others could only dream about it. The version I had contained a few recipes, often containing things you just couldn’t buy over here in the eighties, thanks to the IRA. Most of it was just how-to guides to basic criminality.
captcha: intends 112.7814 – you’re life expectancy in seconds when mixing ACB nitro?
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Former Spc. 19K reply on December 30th, 2008 11:01 am:
naah, the biggest thrill is sitting in the bunk reading it and listening to Jello Biafra when the First Sargeant comes in for the Health And Welfare Inspection. (I’m not sure if this would have been as cool a thing with any other 1SG, mine started quoting Jello.)
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Jim A reply on January 2nd, 2009 1:47 pm:
Isn’t Chemical Warfare required listening for 74Ds?
December 29th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Urner traction – Earn your traction the hard way, with a little DIY help and an Anarchists’ Cookbook!
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December 29th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Okay, this settles it, I’m sending in my Band one. Though I’ll have to edit it because there are names of kids in band in there…
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tzanti reply on December 30th, 2008 1:41 am:
“This one time, at band camp…”
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Phantom reply on January 4th, 2009 11:31 am:
Um, actually, there’s only a few from band camp. What happens at band camp stays at band camp.
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December 29th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Oh shit, I know a girl who would totally do this stuff. And I think it might actually be her. It’s exactly the stuff she’d do.
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December 30th, 2008 at 7:47 am
i was:
A. not allowed to decapitate beanie babies in a classroom full of treehuggers and sew them on to my book bag giggling.
B. not allowed to challenge the ntellectual capabilities of guidance councilers who told my parents i would be a serial killer becouse of said bookbag.
C. spend 7 months slowly and meticulously convicing my spanish teacher that she was crazy untill she had to be institutionalized be couse she stood over me while i worked and i don’t like that.
i had fun in high school.
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December 30th, 2008 at 10:01 am
whenever someone mentions school all i can remember is in 6th form – Super Smash Bros with varying graphical giggles (the items all went invisible for a few weeks)etc and network games of GTA2
GTA2 at school ! we got no work done :D
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tzanti reply on December 30th, 2008 11:13 am:
Ah, 6th Form. Those were the days. A common room full of tatty furniture and lolling proto-students. However, network games were off the table, these were Acorn BBC Master 256kb computers after all.
Captcha: $1,200 Bizet – iTunes is getting pricey!
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December 30th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Putting a metronome in a locker, turning it on, locking said locker and walking away is a VERY BAD idea. It’s made worse when the bomb squad shows up to your school to remove said metronome. It results in one of those long boring assemblies that no one likes.
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Moonsword reply on January 1st, 2009 9:52 am:
The year before I got there, some idiot was stupid enough to call in a bomb threat to my high school… from the payphone in the courtyard, in plain sight of multiple people walking by.
Yeah, that wasn’t what you’d call a difficult investigation…
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January 1st, 2009 at 11:29 am
Well…
All I can remember is having a demented old lady as a chemistry teacher in high school.
She would make us do experiments in class which was fine but afterwards she would end with something like: “Ohhh by the way… Did I forget to mention; be very careful with that liquid as it is known to promote cancer”
Well… One day a me and my science partner got a bit cocky (hey… I was still a teenager) and didn’t listen to the instructions very carefully… Result: Chaos started right around where our glass tube started to exude some nasty looking fumes and becoming exotermic in reaction.
At least we got the afternoon off :P
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January 2nd, 2009 at 7:57 am
the metronome bomb actually happened at my kids high school when my oldest was a sophmore. The homeroom teacher allowed the kids to leave stuff in the room. One was an orchestra musical honor society student. Mind you this is about a year after 9/11.
The pack starts ticking when someone bumps it. They cant find the source of the noise and someone calls the police…and the bomb squad
and there is a swat team
with helicopters.
then the news choppers show up.
The kids meanwhile are enjoying the sunny weather on the football field…except for one.
Who knows that his digital metronome is in his backpack in the room where the bomb is supposed to be.
He even finds the Principal and tells her what it is.
But by now the robots and bomb dogs are all over the school.
Well the kids got a few hours off on a nice day.
The bomb squad and swat team got some practice and a shot in the yearbook.
and the Atlanta news guys had a unique lead story.
The high school staff was embarrassed,a plus.
nobody really got hurt.
and some enterprising kids had Metrobomber t-shirts made that sold well enough to pay for the first year of college.
and the music kids are encouraged to leave the batteries out of their metronomes till they need them.
True story.
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Dave in NC reply on January 4th, 2009 2:35 am:
Fairest – where can one procure one of these mentioned shirts?
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Fairest of All reply on January 4th, 2009 9:12 am:
probably out of luck it was a couple of kids and I dont know who.
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January 4th, 2009 at 3:33 am
36. I will not incite a riot.
37. “The Smoker’s Club” is not recognized as an official school sponsored society or extra curricular activity.
38. I will not wear my trench coat to school.
39. Even if I bought it before Columbine.
40. Even if I am poor and cannot afford another jacket.
41. Even if I live in Denver and it is 5 degrees outside.
42. Not allowed to show up to any school dance dressed as the following: Dr. Frankenfruiter, any member of the blue man group, The Tinman, Barney, or in a pink bunny costume.
43. Stop screwing random items to the stage sets.
44. Not allowed to use the construction material in the theater to make little wooden go carts.
45. No longer allowed to use power tools in the theater.
46. No longer allowed to “help” build the sets for any play.
47. Not allowed to wear any clothing that displays the words “F*^K” or Masturbate.
48. Chairs are not to be flipped over and used as controls for my imaginary rocket ship.
49. Even if the aliens are invading.
50. Not allowed to question the lack of my teachers’ sex lives. (you are a bitch, when was the last time you got laid?)
51. Never question the sexual orientation of any teacher.(When told to put a maxim mag away: What are you, queer?)
52. I am a ruffian.
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Minty reply on January 5th, 2009 12:08 am:
Hey, what’s wrong with the Tin Man?
Captcha: “Earlier encounter.” Heh. Must of been, eh?
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January 4th, 2009 at 4:00 am
After every argument with the class bitch, muttering under my breath while drawing tiny smiley faces on my books will lead to rumours that I’m planning a High School Bombing, and get me sent to see the deputy rector and guidance counselor.
Captcha: wooden might – the pencil is mightier than the sword?
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