Herbicidal Maniac
Ok so I am not exactly in the military. Actually, I am a spouse… living in base housing. This particular blog is about last spring. Right now, my yardcare sins involve not being able to shovel the 5 foot snow pile that the snowplow drivers so graciously left at the end of my driveway when the temps reach -40. I can’t find my sidewalk to shovel it. They should just be happy that I cleared the driveway.
Here we are at yet another spring on Minot AFB and with it comes what we all in housing have dubbed the “Lawn Nazi’s”. These are the men and women who drive around base housing in the white trucks with rulers ensuring that no lawn exceeds 1 1/2 inches in height and that lawns themselves look nice. This means absolutely no WEEDS! EVER! I know this one from experience. Several times last year, I pulled up to my house to find a little white ticket taped to my front door with a list of my lawn “sins” checked off and little recommendations circled at the bottom telling me that grass seed, fertilizer, and weed killer were available at the self help store. Condescending bastards.
Before we move on, I should tell you, the condition of my lawn was less than perfect when I moved into the house the previous winter. Actually, one could go so far as to say it was a disaster, with the only things green or growing being one pathetic bush with three leaves on it. Moving on. I went to the self help store and received my allocated 6 oz bag of grass seed intended for my 1600 sq foot lawn, my 1lb bag of fertilizer and my 1lb bag of weed killer, all of which I dutifully put on my lawn while thinking to myself, “who the hell do they think they are kidding?” I waited. I watered. The only thing that grew was more weeds! What the hell! So I pulled the weeds and watered some more. The grass died. From out of no where, more weeds grew. I received my second ticket for weeds, and another note at the bottom saying that weed killer was available at the self help store. I went back to the self help store, a little irate, because it seems they mistakenly must have given me, not grass seed and fertilizer but dandelion seed and fertilizer. They tell me that I can’t have any more because they already gave me my allocated amount. I throw the balled up ticket at them and storm out. Now, I have to waste my own money on weed killer. So, I do. I buy all kinds of weed killer. I get the stuff that says it kills weeds but not lawns, guaranteed. I think I heard the weeds laugh at me. Then I get the stuff that says it kills everything including grass and weeds. It kills the grass in a two foot radius around every weed. The weeds are now two feet tall each. I try to pull the weeds up by the roots. They come back stronger, taller, and more numerous than ever before. I cry, plead, cajole, and beg the weeds to go bother someone else. Eventually, I pour gasoline on each weed and set them on fire.
The weeds came back. They are everywhere!
Nothing works on these things! They have a mind of their own. I swear I just watched one eat my neighbors cat. They are now as tall as I am, while all the grass that had been surrounding them has withered and died.
Oh, hell there’s another white ticket on my door! This time, in addition to the weeds, they are yelling at me because the grass has died. Their suggestion is to water it. Instead, I watered my neighbors lawns with total vegetation killer. Now all of our lawns look the same. Ha ha! Take that housing maintenance.
I have started an army of killer dandelions! I will overrun the base, nay, the world!!
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December 29th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
o lawl
Captcha: steady ought – ought to what?
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December 29th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
This is why we have astroturf. :)
Captcha: Romans four. Hmmm, did Paul have something to say about lawns?
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CCO reply on December 30th, 2008 2:10 pm:
“Bodily exercise profiteth little” comes to mind, but that’s 1 Timothy 4:8.
:)
Out here!
CCO
(Captcha: “Alfonso carry” this guy round back to see the boss growled the guy playing solitaire at a table by the door as I sauntered in with the sweat of Miami’s early summer leaving white spots in the middle of the back of my 38 Special T-shirt like some sort of conflated Nicholas Cage movie.)
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December 30th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Outstanding.
I always thought my mate’s mum was kidding when she said that living in married quarters meant having to clean her oven to army standards, with snap inspections from a WRAC warrant officer. I guess somethings are the same the world over.
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December 30th, 2008 at 2:15 am
Wow. I can’t believe skippy got Poison Ivy to write something for his site. Can we expect something from Nightwing next week?
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December 30th, 2008 at 3:10 am
Try Vinegar. Works a treat, you can actually watch the weeds wither.
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December 30th, 2008 at 5:13 am
We have people like that in the Civie world too. They’re called “Homeowner’s Assosiation”. Mostly for housewives with nothing better to do than puff up their ego’s by bothering other people. Being that I live in Vermont and the soil is mildly acidic, my lawn is more moss than grass. But my family has lived here since befoe the Assosiation so they can’t touch us. Would you like me to mail you some Grade A Vermont Grass Eating Moss? I’m sure the weeds would love it.
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David reply on December 31st, 2008 2:55 pm:
I prefer MY version of a “Homeowner’s Association”. I call THEM and bitch that the d-heads they hired to plow the snow did an ass job of it. I come home from work in the summer and young lads are anxiously engaged in lawn care. When the houses need paint, they’re painted, and all I need to do it keep my car parked out of the way.
You guys in base housing need to form a Condo Association and pay dues to have someone else take care of things for you.
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December 30th, 2008 at 6:59 am
Once at Ft. Puke, ah Polk, they came with a backhoe and dug up mu front yard a to fix the fire hydrant, then left a four foot mound of dirt in my yard. I called an no one came to fix it. I used to hear about it occasionally and finally, 2 years later they came and moved it. Of course that was after my old 1SG became post housing Sergeant Major. This was the same yard that used to flood so badly everytime it rained that the decorative boards along the sidewalk floated around the yard for three days.
captcha: Sheatz tercourse????
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CCO reply on December 31st, 2008 9:10 am:
Was that near the time that the fire from land clearing got into the underground fuel tanks? My sergeant (when we were in Alabama) told me that the JP-4 was blowing up like firecrackers!
Recaptcha: fenum realism?
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December 30th, 2008 at 7:41 am
I know how you feel. I was in housing on Fort Hood and we had this fucking E-7 who rode around in his Isuzu Rodeo checking the lawns. I got a ticket because the sprouts on the shrub by my house was 2/3 of an inch high. I got another ticket because the shrub behind my house touched the powerline (nevermind that it was that way when i moved in) I even got a ticket when my baby dropped his pacifier on the ground on our way to the childcare (my wife was in the army with me) at 0500 before PT. Ever seen an E-3 cuss out an E-7 with a hatchet in his hand? He decided to come fuck with me while I was trying to clean up the shrub that touched the power line. heh heh heh.
Captcha: $5000 Annoyance…..dealing with on base housing!!!!
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Ash reply on December 30th, 2008 7:57 am:
I had something like that in the U.K., cept it was my grouchy old neighbor who flew out of her house in a ratty bathrobe and dirty bedroom slippers to scream at my then 2 year old godson on xmas eve because he took 3 steps onto her dead grass. I yelled back and then our husbands had to pull us apart. Ah, fun times.
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December 30th, 2008 at 7:56 am
Why not Minot? The freezings the reason!
Sorry, couldn’t resist. Good luck with the overthrow of the world, ma’am. Can I have Paraguay when you’re done with it?
Captcha – 3@4c germs (don’t ask)
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Ash reply on December 30th, 2008 8:01 am:
LOL! Speaking of freezing, yesterday was the first day in 4 weeks that we saw temps above 0. And for a place that supposedly doesn’t get much snow, what exactly do they call the 3 feet of white stuff in the backyard that doesn’t melt until May? Or the 6 foot snow pile that the snowplow drivers built behind my husband’s pontiac? Ok, technically the stuff behind the car is now ice, but still.
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December 30th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I got it, Liquid Nitrogen! And maybe some explosives planted under the weeds, and then if you choose the explosive rout, plant them, then wait for the guy to drive up, then detonate the explosives to give him an idea on how far you have gone to destroy the weeds. If that doesnt work, then try electrocuting the weeds, and finally, pave over the lawn and get astro-turf.
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December 30th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Put some black ski masks on the weeds and then call the MP’s. Tell ’em terrorists are on your front yard yelling and waving weapons around. If the weeds win that one, try an airstrike.
Napalm really does smell like victory.
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December 30th, 2008 at 10:18 am
I know what you mean Ash-bo. This morning the plows drover over my front lawn and now we have 2 foot tire marks across our yard. I am sure the housing office will make it our problem the minute all the snow is gone. “I will fight, I will fight I will fight”, as the retarded gov. of Michigan…Illinois (i think?) put it. 4-8 inches my ass… try 10-12!
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December 30th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Why-not Minot? lol
I actually got a counseling statement and corrective training as an E-3 from my d-head NCO because my (ex) husband, an e-4 and the one whose name was on the housing, didn’t feel like cutting the grass for a coupla weeks. When I tried to do it to avoid any more corrective training, I almost cut my foot off. :)
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December 30th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I am somewhat baffled by the dislike of snow. Where I live, we get out of school when they’re calling for flurries!
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Ash reply on December 30th, 2008 5:53 pm:
Umm.. yeah I still had to go to work and stay at work when there was a full out blizzard and white-out conditions…
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kat reply on January 1st, 2009 9:05 am:
Because if you happen to work in healthcare and it’s snowing hard enough that the next shift can’t get in, guess what? You get to stay. And if it’s still snowing hard after that, you get to have a nice slumber party with the rest of the trapped staff so that you can work later. But if you’re there, you’re on call which means that at some point someone’s going to come drag your ass out of bed (cot) and make you work anyway.
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Speed reply on January 1st, 2009 10:10 pm:
Down here in North Carolina it’s the same, everything shuts down. People buy up all of the eggs, bread and milk in eager anticipation of French toast for breakfast. Last year they cancelled school, etc., and then it just rained.
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Minty reply on January 4th, 2009 11:57 pm:
This past month, Seattle’s gotten way more snow than it’s used to. So, everyone goes nuts at the grocery store, buying five pounds of peanut butter and the like. Truly hilarious.
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December 30th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I am glad to hear you can grow something. If you can’t kill them smokem. Stop bitching about the snow, how would you like to 80 degrees and sunny. The weeds grow all year long! I think some of them have a cult following.
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December 30th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Ashley,
What you have in your lawn are immature triffids. The plant was a military experiment from the 1940s. The spores must have been leaked during secret transport onto your lawn. You are going to need to get away from that house. The authorities will not believe you until it is too late. No one has been able to figure out how to control triffids. The best manual for dealing with them is the excellent gardening book by John Wyndham, “Day of the Triffids”.
Good Luck and take care of your eyes.
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tzanti reply on December 31st, 2008 6:02 am:
The only advice in Day of the Triffids that I recall is “Run away!”
Bah, it was my CSE set book. Though did lead to lots of ‘If you don’t stop that you’ll go blind’ jokes.
Captcha: Drawing revolver – this blog’s exerting its right to arm bears.
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December 30th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I have a possible solution. Get a rabbit. My rabbit loves dandelions. Besides, dandelions aren’t weeds. They were brought over from Europe so we could eat them. There was a lot of effort put into making sure they survived. Have you ever had dandelion honey? Dandelion beer?
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paula reply on December 30th, 2008 5:16 pm:
Dandelion wine! Easy and cheap to make, VERY high alchohol content! (Lemme know if you want the recipe)
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December 30th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Ah, the Housing Nazis. The very worst thing about base housing. Just wait til check-out time!
Still remember the ticket we got in Hawaii for not watering our lawn often enough. The housing manual gave no specifications about how often to water it (just said to do so), but did have restrictions on things like watering in the middle of the day and watering so excessively water ran into the street. Guess what housing did on a regular basis?
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December 30th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
So as a non-military taxpayer how can I:
1. Keep this bullshit off the backs of the families who already are giving up their spouses for our country?
2. Save a bit of tax money by not paying some no-nuts, power hungry twat of a housing officer to hassle the fine folks from the previous point?
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Sabra reply on December 31st, 2008 3:46 pm:
You can’t. The military is a government agency at heart, and so the bureaucracy is ingrained thoroughly. Administrative Justification.
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December 31st, 2008 at 1:23 am
follow them home, cover their lawn in herbicide resistant weeds and then repeat as often as necessary ( all the while sending in anonymous complaints about their yard ) until they get replaced by someone acceptable…
Captcha: Rameses Word…didn’t he break it?
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CCO reply on December 31st, 2008 8:47 am:
My processing sergeant at Fort Jackson’s reception battalion said that was one good thing about the Army; if you didn’t like someone, in three years one of you would be gone. Of course in AF, particularly since there are fewer bases now, that may be different.
Rameses Word– would that be as in:
When the king of Egypt was told that the people had fled, the minds of Pharaoh and his officials were changed toward the people, and they said, “What have we done, letting Israel leave our service?” (Exodus 14:5, NRSV)
Which let to:
The waters returned and covered the chariots and the chariot drivers, the entire army of Pharaoh that had followed them into the sea; not one of them remained. But the Israelites walked on dry ground through the sea, the waters forming a wall for them on their right and on their left. (Exodus 14:28-29, NRSV)
Whereas my recaptcha is “passaic recently”? No, I celebrate Easter!
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December 31st, 2008 at 4:10 pm
We are non-lawn-people, too. We tried for a while, but when it became apparent that we suck at all aspects of landscaping, we just gave up.
Our first thought was to swipe one of the city signs that said “Wildflower area: DO NOT MOW” and stick it on our yard.
Our second idea was to put up a sign saying something like “We follow God’s plan for our lives…and our lawn.”
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January 4th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
At the college where my dad taught, they had “Grass Nazis” One time for their spring weekend they had a video were the guy holding the camera was pretending to be a Grass Nazi, and he would go around yelling at students for being on the grass instead of the sidewalk. There were several different reactions
GN: Hey! You guys! No walking on the grass!
Studnets: Okay (and begin skipping, running, and rolling across the grass:
GN: You! Get off the grass!
Student: (flips out) Y’know what, I have been staying off the grass for 3 years now!! I am gonna walk on this grass if I wanna #&%@ing walk on this grass!!!!!
And many others.
P.S. It’s spelled Herbacidal, with an a.
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skippy reply on January 4th, 2009 7:20 pm:
herbicidal
One entry found.
Main Entry:
her·bi·cide Listen to the pronunciation of herbicide
Pronunciation:
\?(h)?r-b?-?s?d\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Latin herba + International Scientific Vocabulary -cide
Date:
1899
: an agent used to destroy or inhibit plant growth
— her·bi·cid·al Listen to the pronunciation of herbicidal \?(h)?r-b?-?s?-d?l\ adjective
— her·bi·cid·al·ly Listen to the pronunciation of herbicidally \-d?l-?\ adverb
Learn more about “herbicide” and related topics at Britannica.com
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January 6th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
When I was growing up, I was an Air Force brat. I was somewhat lucky in that we never lived on base until my dad’s final assignment, at Homestead AFB in Florida (pre-hurricane Andrew). We lived in officer housing, just off of Colonel’s row. Yes, we had the lawn nazi’s there as well.
We lived in a corner lot, so our front yard was actually quite small, but the backyard was insanely large. Being in south Florida, the grass grew insanely fast, and kept growing year round. Add to this mix a huge banyan tree that dropped leaves, and it was a real pain in the ass for a teenage boy who only had access to a push mower that had been purchased before he was born (i.e. very early 1970’s). We only had a couple of notices about the lawn, fortunately. I think we were just lucky because the front lawn was so small and therefore was relatively easy to maintain.
I think the best part about living on base during that time was that the SP’s were so easy to avoid at night on a bicycle. Kids on bikes got to know the area better than any SP ever could, and if the lights went up to chase us down because we didn’t have a light on our bicycle or something, cutting through yards was a cinch. :)
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January 8th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Okay, I have a funny story myself.
My mother died two years ago, and she was buried in the same cemetery that almost the entire half of my entire Italian family has been buried in since the 1940s. It’s a mile from where we grew up. We’re kind of familiar with it.
But apparently, between the time that my stepfather died (in 1998) and my mother dying (in 2006), they got new caretakers. And “caretaker” is apparently a misnomer, because whatever else they are doing, it’s not that.
Fast forward a year and a half (to late August), and my mother’s grave has *zero* grass on it. Now, I understand she died in December and putting sod down at the time was perhaps impossible at worst and ill-advised at best. But at some point, SOMEONE (with the moniker “caretaker”) should have put down sod, or planted some grass seed, or *something*.
They did not.
The plot is *completely* overrun with weeds, except the spots where it’s bare.
So my sister and I go to Home Depot and we buy some grass seed, some planting soil, some weed-and-feed, and some hand tools. We diligently yank up all the weeds, spread the planting soil, spread the grass seed (by hand), spread the weed-and-feed (by hand), add another dusting of planting soil, and water it. And promptly left the state.
Apparently . . . being late August when we bought the seed . . . it was winter rye.
(You can see where this is going, right?)
So come December in New Jersey, everything is dead. Except the grass on my mother’s grave, which is BRIGHT GREEN and about four feet high. It’s visible, and completely obvious from the *STREET*. My great-aunt, in between fits of giggles, calls the so-called caretakers and says, “um, yeah, look out your window . . . see that waist-high grass? Think you might need to cut it?” They reply that the lawn service (?!?!) has already made their final trip for the year, and so she recommends they go out there with a weed eater or something, because by this point it really is patently absurd.
She went back a few days later, and she said it looked like they went out there and tried to cut it with SCISSORS, but apparently gave it up as a bad job and abandoned the entire plan.
My entire family is laughing about this.
(Captcha: greater Mischke? As opposed to lesser Mischke? Who the devil is Mischke, anyway?)
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