It’s time again for the Monday morning update. So just pretend that I wrote something clever as a lead-in and enjoy the humongous list courtesy of Tony.
101 Things You Should Not Do in High School
(Submitted by Tony)
1) “Completion” is not the same thing as “effort”.
2) I should not ask teachers to tell stories about how they accidentally told a student to sleep with them.
3) I cannot call my English teacher by his first name.
4) I cannot call my English teacher “Captain Canada”.
5) Flipping off a security guard behind his back only works when there aren’t any standing behind you.
6) I am not allowed to start any slow claps.
7) I am not allowed to stop any slow claps by shouting Communistic slogans.
8) An “oral examination” is no longer funny, so I should stop snickering at it.
9) When asked to copy a file to the hand in folder, I should not copy any file I want.
10) Writing “Magic = answer” is not an acceptable form of showing your work.
11) The song “Fuck the Police” is not required when discussing the American system of law enforcement.
12) The song “Fuck the Police” should not be sung when the friendly cop comes in to talk to us about drugs.
13) I should not ask cops if they remember me when they come in to talk to us about drugs.
14) Jokes about epilepsy are only funny when the kid who sits next to you has a boyfriend who doesn’t have epilepsy.
15) I should not refer to the security guards as “Die ScheissPolizei” whilst in German class.
16) No, as a matter of fact, you don’t have any rights as a student. Now open your locker so we can search it.
17) Stop fainting in class.
18) My Chemistry professor is “Mrs. Daugherity,” so I should not call her “Teach”.
19) Calling my teacher a “pussy” when he refuses a dare is not OK.
20) Even if the dare was really easy and only a little illegal.
21) I will not call out WASPs during class.
22) When a teacher asks if we have any questions, I should ask questions related to the material, not: “Is there a God?”
23) I may not worship the girl who sits in the adjacent table as a deity.
24) After my teacher tells us the story of how he hit himself in the face with a fire extinguisher, I should not call him a “dumbass”.
25) After my teacher tells us the story of how he hung up his dog’s favorite toy on the ceiling fan, I should not call him a “douche bag”.
26) I am not allowed to reference Lost anymore when writing programs.
27) “Best 2 out of 3” does not apply to essays.
28) When my teacher asks if I read the book over the weekend, I should not respond with raucous laughter.
29) “I can has pass?” is not how you request a trip to the bathroom.
30) Holding hands with a teacher when crossing the street for safety’s sake was my idea, so I should stop screaming when he calls my bluff.
31) I should not write “Vive el Che!” on everything I hand in to my severely anti-communistic programming teacher.
32) I cannot nickname my computer “Stupid bitch”.
33) I cannot suggest that referring to computers only by their numbers is reminiscent of WWII concentration camps.
34) When asked what I want to get out of a class, I should not say I want to learn how to dismantle an atomic bomb.
35) When my teacher comes around to check for homework, she is severely discouraged when I say “Haha don’t bother.”
36) When asked what I want to get out of a class, I should not say “Banana monkey coconut” in a high pitched voice until my teacher can’t make eye contact anymore.
37) There is no re-re-re-re test.
38) I should not expect teachers to receive work when it is slipped under a locked door.
39) Anything with my own blood on it is going to lose points in the future.
40) When my teacher tells us to do it on poster board, he means he doesn’t want it handed in on wrapping paper.
41) I should not keep a running tally of the number of times my teacher says “okay” in one lecture, and then read the results at the end of class, no matter how annoying she sounds.
42) “Happy 4-20!” is not something I should say into the PA at a pep rally.
43) My paper would score higher without all the racist humor.
44) There is only one Messiah, and I am not allowed to suggest that he is the lead singer from Rage Against the Machine.
45) I cannot call Sam Cooke a “badass” just because he was shot.
46) I may not pretend to be eating an invisible hoagie when the security guards check to see if we are eating when we’re not supposed to be.
47) I should not quote 300 in my essays.
48) I should not sing that part from the song Killing in the Name that goes “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” forty-one times in a row when our teacher gives us instructions.
49) I should not refer to groups as “nap circles”.
50) I should not refer to classroom debates as “angry sing-alongs”.
51) I should not say that the AP test was “the most expensive nap I ever took.”
52) I should not teach my English teacher any gang handshakes.
53) I should not suggest that my German teacher is older than God.
54) I should not sing “Fight For Your Right (To Party)” every Friday whilst in class.
55) When I make eye contact with a teacher, I should not mime the act of murder and narrow my eyes.
56) I should not interrupt class by saying “Look, the groundhogs are back!” whenever the cute little guys come out.
57) I should not threaten the students who chase the groundhogs.
58) My teacher cannot tell me why the revolution was not televised.
59) I should not name everything “Timmy the [adjective][object]”.
60) I cannot suggest that the security guards are attempting to steal Christmas.
61) I cannot suggest that the Asian-American Club is “up to something”.
62) I cannot accuse the Chinese Honors Society of racism when they do not let me in.
63) I cannot have a debate with another teacher about death metal when my teacher is giving a lesson.
64) Repeating a five-minute presentation does not mean I gave a 10-minute presentation.
65) I should not call the other redheads in my class “soulless gingers”.
66) I should not use the word “freshman” as an insult.
67) Freshmen are not “untouchables”.
68) During any hearing and sight test, I should not attempt to dig out my own brain with Q-tips.
69) There is no monster living in the Bunsen Burner.
70) During an oral presentation, I should not break into song.
71) It is never appropriate to attempt to tap dance like the penguins from “Happy Feet”.
72) I am not my teacher’s legitimate father.
73) I should not say that Odysseus was “a few soldiers short of a trireme” and expect my dumbass classmates to understand it.
74) I should not call my classmates dumbasses when they don’t get my joke about triremes.
75) I should not call a Poetry Club meeting a “Sadness-a-thon”, especially when I attend it.
76) I should not call Equestrian Club “My Little Pony Club”.
77) During school photographs, I should not ask for an action shot.
78) I may not use my Student ID as a badge for the fictional “Student Law Enforcement Society”, and I must now apologize to the freshmen I arrested.
79) When giving an oral presentation on The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, my classmates do not need to know what I think about Hannah Montana.
80) I should not use the Promethean board (Like a chalkboard that displays everything on the computer screen) to show that thing on YouTube where Barack Obama rickrolls.
81) The quote does not go: “Those who can, do. Those who teach, suck”.
82) When confronted by security guards, I should not go into “Crane pose”.
83) Standing very still does not stop teachers from seeing you when you are late to class.
84) I should not suggest that my Romanian math teacher will turn into bats and fly out the window.
85) I should not end any presentation with advice if that advice is: “Bro’s before ho’s”.
86) When you insult your teacher in another language, the advantage is lost if he speaks it.
87) I cannot tell teachers to “Meet me by the flagpole after school”.
88) I should not get into a freestyle rap battle while I am supposed to be working.
89) On a multiple choice test, there is no “shotgun” answer. (filling in more than one bubble in case you were wrong)
90) Shouting matches should not be held in front of police officers when massive amounts of obscenities are to be used.
91) I should not attempt to leave class every hundred and eight minutes to save the world. (Lost reference)
92) Should not mime shooting my teacher and claim that it is the only way to save him.
93) When taking a test, there are no “lifelines”.
94) Copying is not “comparing the answers he’s already written to the answers I’m about to write”.
95) Pretending to be going out of town the day a presentation is due and then skipping school…..works!
96) “Doctor Strangelove” is not a real doctor, so a doctor’s note from him won’t count.
97) Should not copy-paste lyrics to songs into the middle of any essay.
98) When my teacher says that boys and girls are the same, I should not ask him if he took a class on anatomy when he was in school.
99) Nor should I attempt to explain the vagina to him.
100) When filling in the section of the late note that says “Reason for lateness:”, I should not write “totally hammered”.
101) When writing an essay for Civics, I should not reference “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” more than seven thousand times.
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