Zombie Survival Part 1
To keep with the zombie theme that Michiel seems to have started, I would like to discuss some zombie survival techniques.
Say you are sitting in your living room, minding your own business, when you happen to notice what appears to be a pack of zombies standing on your front porch. Simply follow these easy steps.
Step 1 – Confirm The Zombie Infestation
Check the date. Is it Halloween? If it is there is an excellent chance that the zombies are merely some kids in make-up, and they want candy. It is generally considered bad form to shoot your neighbor’s children in the brain.
However movies such as CHUD 2, Revenge of The Living Dead, and many others have taught us that sometimes the flesh-hungry damned do rise up to attack during Halloween. And these movies always feature at least one suburban family that get ripped apart because they opened the door to what they foolishly assumed to be trick-or-treaters.
There are generally speaking only three ways to confirm the presence of zombies. The first is to open the door and see if they eat you. There is a rather large and glaring flaw with that test.
The second option for checking for zombies is to ask them.
“Excuse me, are you a zombie?”
If they drool, and reach for you while licking their chops, then its a zombie and you should shoot it in the brain.
If they answer “yes”, then thank them for their honesty and then shoot them in the brain. (But try to do it politely.)
If they tell you that they are not a zombie, then shoot them in the brain anyways. Because everybody knows that zombies are liars.
The third test I like to call “The Test Shot”. Shoot one of them in the leg. If they stay up, and just glare, moan, or scream for you tasty tasty brains, then it is clearly a zombie and you should follow up with a shot to the head.
If on the other hand, they fall to the ground screaming in pain and dropping candy all over, then its just a little kids wearing a costume, and you can go back to watching television. If it falls over dropping candy without the screaming, then congratulations. You just shot a pinata. And what kind of asshole shoots a pinata?
Follow
May 30th, 2008 at 7:26 am
How can you tell the zombie cockroaches? They wouldn’t have candy. Maybe squid pie?
Reply
May 30th, 2008 at 9:08 am
hey id shoot a pinata
Reply
GunnyHighway reply on May 30th, 2008 11:42 pm:
Asshole hahaah j/k I’d shoot one too, with a big freaking gun too!!! Blow it and the candy to hell!
Reply
May 30th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
And for Survival, Max Brook other book,”Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead”
It a basic military manual and you have read it?
Reply
Stickfodder reply on May 30th, 2008 12:33 pm:
Crap, you beat me to it. And i already have it its great. But remember he’s the son of Mel Brooks and a former SNL writer so take it with a grain of salt. Like the “Solanum” Virus, solanum is a genus of plant which includes potato’s and tomato’s. But it’s well written and has an insane amount of detail.
Reply
May 30th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Ok if you really want to know how to survive a zombie outbreak just read The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. Or in the situation stated above you could just throw candy out of a window in their direction if they scramble for the candy they’re kids dressed up, but if they ignore the candy and lunge for you in the window there is a good chance its a zombie or maybe just me trying to get in your house. in either situation…shoot to kill.
Reply
Snyarhedir reply on March 12th, 2011 2:25 am:
You will be sorely missed.
Reply
May 30th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I laughed during the entire thing.
But the last sentence involving the pinata? I HOWLED.
Reply
JessEm reply on May 31st, 2008 8:32 am:
Werewolf! WEREWOLF!!!
Reply
Analee reply on May 31st, 2008 8:42 am:
Hey, at least it’s not the full moon…
…and I’m not a zombie! :-D
Reply
May 30th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
heres a good suggestion keep a loaded shotgun in your hands at all times
Reply
May 30th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
I have often wondered how zombies know not to eat other zombies. As soon as someone is infected, they start to go after the living, to get some tasty brains for dinner- are the brains of fellow zombies no longer tasty? Can you pretend to be a zombie and fool them (obviously not). I propose the idea that it is a scent which the zombie virus exudes which tells other zombies to go elsewhere for dinner. Therefore, if we could get some of the major perfume houses to create and “Eau de Zombie” which we could spray on ourselves, it should keep them away. The marketing campain alone would be great to see…
Reply
Angelus reply on May 31st, 2008 2:20 am:
It’s possible, in some cases, to fool zombies into thinking you’re a zombie. Just watch Sean of the Dead.
Reply
Snyarhedir reply on March 12th, 2011 2:27 am:
Or The Mummy (1999).
Reply
May 31st, 2008 at 5:59 am
I’ve always been a fan of laser weapons. Put a few zombies on wheels, hampster style, with a nice helping of brains to keep them going, and hook that up to a turbine. With proper gearing and enough zombies, you could keep a Class IV CO2 laser going for quite some time.
Reply
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:14 am
not only do I have a goal to go and shoot a pinata now. I see no reason why that would make me an asshole…
also, what if that neighbor kid is a SERIOUS pain? could you use rubber rounds instead just to vent?
Reply
Stickfodder reply on June 2nd, 2008 12:41 pm:
You can DO what ever you want but just because it’s less lethal it doesn’t mean you wont have any consequences. Oh and from close distances rubber rounds can be just as lethal
Reply
Tony reply on June 2nd, 2008 8:15 pm:
yeah, a girl was killed in a riot here in boston a few years ago when a rubber bullet hit her in the head.
Reply
June 4th, 2008 at 9:22 am
you can always try:
Urban Dead – Zombie Apocalypse http://www.urbandead.com/
Reply
November 7th, 2008 at 9:38 am
The same procedure applies to dealing with Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, door to door saiesmen and politicians, not that there’s much difference between them and zombies, though in those cases finding the brains could be a problem.
Reply
February 15th, 2011 at 11:26 pm
If a real zombie answers the question, then it obviously is a more literal zombie–a soul recalled to its corpse–and is not necessarily a threat. I suggest checking out the webtoon Xombie and Krin’s Sonny on Armor Games if this in any way confuses you, although Jason Voorhees and Imhotep are technically examples as well.
Reply
Snyarhedir reply on February 15th, 2011 11:27 pm:
Excuse me, Xombie is not on Armor Games. I noticed that I implied it is with my faulty grammar
Reply