It’s that time of the week again, when I show off some more things that our various servicemen can’t do. This time the entire list is courtesy of SPC Jason Greco.
- Not allowed to order chloroform
- Not allowed to cut a lock because I’m too lazy to walk back and get the key
- I am not a Government Slave
- Not allowed to use privates to test the validity of an MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet)
- I should not barricade my Platoon SGT’s door with water bottles.
- No longer allowed to refer to Marines as “Targets”
- No longer allowed to call a deployment a “Field Trip”
- Hitting another soldier with a frozen fish in the Commissary will get you kicked out
- No longer allowed to tag things with the phrase “Army Smart”
- I am not allowed in areas that require a security clearance, even if I have one
- Not allowed to claim a crowbar as my weapon
- Not allowed to use military vehicles for an “Ice cream run”
- It is optional to participate in “Man Love Thursday” if you are higher ranking than I am
- I am not the juggernaut
- I am required to wear underwear to PT formation
- Not allowed to build anything without supervision
- Not allowed to order prosthetic testicles
- Not allowed to order things “just because I want one”
- Not allowed to run a sex toy business while deployed
- Not allowed to wear a cape to work
- Black Hawk mechanics are not “crash test dummies”
- The other 0.1% do not work here
- Snowball fights are not authorized on the flight line
- Not allowed to buy anyone, especially Local Nationals.
- I should not test how sharp my knife is on living things
- “I can find things to do” is not the correct response when asked what I’m doing
- Not allowed to shoot cigarettes out of soldier’s mouths
- Mardi Gras beads are not allowed in the Dining Facility
- No longer allowed to wear a cape while driving a convertible military vehicle
- My kevlar is not a pimp hat and I’m not allowed to put a feather in it
- A $1000 piece of equipment does not make a good ash tray
- Mohawks are not authorized haircuts
- I am not allowed to boycott our CSM
- Not allowed to attach mullet wigs to hard hats with super glue
- Not allowed to order a new aircraft from supply, even if the one on the flight line is broken
- “Playboy: The Mansion” is not an authorized military program
- Not allowed to build a statue of myself using Government resources.
- Not allowed to replace my rifle with a baseball bat, even if it does have the same serial number, butt number, a sling and a magazine attached to it.
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