Screaming Heebie-Jeebies
When our replacements arrived to spearhead OIF III, our medical unit in Kirkuk decided to hold a clinic-to-ramp mortuary affairs practice. I’m sure, in the TOC, it sounded like a very prudent idea. My NCO came over and told me I was volunteering for something. Having been on call in the lab the night before, I was exhausted, and the only thing I cared about was the fact that he said I could take a nap during the detail. I was immediately suspicious, but the promise of a nap, even in the middle of the duty day and even in full rattle, outweighed my concerns. I was to report to the LT, who told me to don my ABE and Kevlar with all my magazines and lie down on the litter in the expectant area. I had just tilted my K-pot to cover my eyes and began my little desert siesta when a flock of medics, new troops and seasoned vets, crowded to the area. My doc, a Major, began the lesson by demonstrating how to pronounce death in the sanctioned Army fashion (which, oddly, included very few acronyms).
[Begin heebie-jeebies.]
He found my ID tags and began filling out the necessary paperwork. It had my actual information written on it. That completed, I was hoisted and loaded into the FLA feet first (after 15 years in the civilian EMS world, that was more significant than almost anything else that happened that day). The medics checked me and removed all my UXO, and decided I was Episcopal (I’m not, but it was probably because the battalion chaplain was both Episcopal and present). She got about 6 words into the Last Rites, and I sat up. “Chaplain,” I said, “We’re training. Can’t you just say blahblahblah, amen? Seriously.” She laughed (I didn’t) and said, with all the solemnity she could muster, “Blah, blah, blah, amen.”
I rode with a medic to the Guest House, which was (conveniently) across the street from the Chapel, and was transferred to an odd sort of table with deep channels running down either side. My ‘ick’ factor was kicking into overdrive. This is the part where the MA enlisted got to train. They very carefully and precisely logged all my pocket contents (6 LifeSavers candies, colored 2 red, 3 pineapple, and 1 green- I’m not kidding) and put everything into a ziploc baggie at my feet. Then one E-2 started filling out the toe tag. Because he used the paperwork that accompanied me, and because my Major had used my dogtags to fill it out, the toe tag had my info on it. I shut my eyes to pray or something, anything to warn off the WAY bad juju, when the crack-head tied it to my boot and walked away. I LOST IT. I started screaming for the E-6 in charge, and when he arrived I grabbed him by his lapels and told him he’d better get that f-ing tag off my f-ing boot, and other choice words that I fortunately didn’t get in trouble for. I had just begun to calm down again when I heard the transfer case opening up behind my head. I leapt off the ‘yucky table,’ swore at everyone, yelled “train like you fight, my ASS,” practically flew out of the Guest House, and smoked an entire pack of local cigarettes (NOT the smooth American kind) in about 20 minutes, all while hysterical and barely coherent. I didn’t speak to anyone for days. I don’t know whose idea that was, but I was only 3 weeks from going home. With all of that bad juju floating around, I never wanted to leave the heavily-reinforced clinic. I was braced for something to call in that jinx all the way to Kuwait.
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May 2nd, 2008 at 8:39 am
Dude….that’s….fucked up. At least tell me they destroyed the paperwork after it was done? I would not have been okay with that, either; I’ve read Catch-22, and don’t need to be in the same predicament as the chaplain from that squadron lol.
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ArchaicDome reply on May 2nd, 2008 7:00 pm:
You know, in my state, I didn’t even think of the paperwork. I sincerely hope it made it to the burn barrel that night, and that I’m not legally dead in Iraq. :)
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SKD reply on May 3rd, 2008 12:49 am:
Well if they didn’t make sure to sock the insurance payout into savings so you can keep the interest when they come wanting it back.
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May 2nd, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Um, I am thinking that a loaded weapon would have been bad in this situation, because I don’t think I would have handled it as well as you.
Hope all is cool now man.
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ArchaicDome reply on May 2nd, 2008 7:01 pm:
Yeah, everything’s fine now. I can see the humor, but whoa was I jacked up for a couple days. And I’m a girl. ;)
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Dwayne reply on May 4th, 2008 8:54 am:
Beg your pardon, Ma’am, did not mean to offend.
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ArchaicDome reply on May 5th, 2008 6:06 pm:
None perceived. :)
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
This weekend, I am going to prominently add the names of any guest writers to the tops of their stories, to make it more obvious that I didn’t write them.
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May 2nd, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Kat, It was just as great a story the second time (yes, I read your LJ too)
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May 2nd, 2008 at 11:51 pm
… yikes. Someone REALLY dropped the ball there. I just hope that paperwork had “TRAINING” on it, like the example money sent out in the UK when they’re changing the banknotes (seriously, guys, give it a REST. It’s ALREADY the least counterfeitable money on the PLANET, you do NOT need to keep changing it and suggesting crap like putting RFID chips in it; that’ll just have people microwaving their money. But I digress…) has “SAMPLE” across it.
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May 3rd, 2008 at 12:48 am
Guess they couldn’t afford to use simulaids like the CPR training dummies. Or a false set of dog-tags for training purposes.
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May 3rd, 2008 at 1:15 am
There are so many reasons why that is wrong that even I can’t name them all…
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May 3rd, 2008 at 7:14 am
yeah, that was quite the day.
the shining light of my bus route (and my ‘lovely’ stay in kirkuk), traumatized.
(aside: it was actually kinda cute, but then, thats ArchaicDome for ya)
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May 3rd, 2008 at 9:13 am
Knowing Katie personally, (BTW, it’s okay to call or say hi, I promise I won’t tie your brother up and steal his bugle again), I can only say that her self-control was and is remarkable.
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ArchaicDome reply on May 5th, 2008 11:44 pm:
Please? I think my brother is modeling his officership after LT Steven Hauk… Reader’s Digest is even considering publishing two of his jokes.
Hohoho, Lt. Steve…
Hahaha, Frenchie…
Hohoho, Lt. Steve…
Because in his heart, he knows he’s funny..
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May 4th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
That is some good shit.
Did you get to nap at all during the training, or no?
I’d be happy with such a nap.
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ArchaicDome reply on May 5th, 2008 6:08 pm:
LT- would you have been able to nap, Sir? I was afraid I’d end up embalmed. I’d have gotten home, though. lol
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May 13th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Bah. Even the greenest of the green working in the mortuary knows that if your subject has a) a pulse, b) is breathing and c) screams in pain with the first incision, you are to stop immediately.
You’re gonna need more towels at the least.
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ArchaicDome reply on May 13th, 2008 6:27 pm:
Good thing I’m a hoopy frood who always knows where my towel is… :)
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