When I am king
New rules once I take over as supreme ruler of the United States.
Declaration #1: Being an asshole will be considered a form of violent assault. As such, violent retribution will be considered self-defense. In other words, as long as you can convince a jury of your peers that the son of a bitch had it coming, it’s kosher.
Declaration #2: All non-violent crimes will be punished with public flogging. Want to eliminate white collar crime? Start dragging crooked investment bankers into a public square and beat them. They’ll get the idea really fast. Particularly attractive female convicts may get a spanking instead.
Repeat offenders may have an implant installed into their ears that plays “Tom’s Diner” on a loop. Until they die.
Declaration #3: All juvenile crimes will be punished with use of the stocks. Nothing amends teenage behavior faster than public embarrassment.
Declaration #4: The definition of the crime of pedophilia will be amended to include all acts of terrorism. This way anytime a terrorist is named on the news, they will be described as a pedophile.
Declaration #5: If a news agency is caught telling, fabricating, or repeating information that it knows to be false, see declaration #2.
Declaration #6: People who go on killing sprees to get attention (See V- Tech, NIU, Columbine, etc.) will not ever be mentioned by name in the press. They will only be referred to by silly emasculating names such as “Darling Princess Poofiness the Third”. All pictures of them will be modified to put them in ridiculous outfits. Once a year there will be a holiday where small children gather to laugh at these people. This will do more to reduce school violence than any amount of dress codes or banned music.
Declaration #7: All proponents of intelligent design as science must give up their thumbs. (People that believe it as religion are fine…just as long as they stay the hell away from public schools.)
Declaration #8: The practice of dueling is will be reinstated. This will solve many of societies problems immediately, such as people who use cell phones at the movies, folks who don’t tip waitresses or the pizza guy, media pundits, and Andy Dick.
Declaration #9: Restaurants will be forbidden from creating their own sizes. Small, medium, and large are sizes. Venti is an invitation for an ass-whooping.
Declaration #10: Reality shows will be outlawed, unless they are arranged in such a way that 95% of the participants die. The Surreal Life/Running Man hybrid, alone, will make this one worthwhile.
Declaration #11: Seth Green will be publicly executed, by way of an elephant, a waffle iron, and a case of Thunderbird brand malt liquor.
He knows why.
Did I forget anything?
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February 20th, 2008 at 6:49 am
Survivor – Intelligent Design. “Your first task is to find any logic in intelligent design being a science. All those who fail will be publicly flogged and then executed.”
I believe I have combined 3 of your Declarations into one brilliant show that I would actually watch. I am sick now, but I’ll get back to you on more Declarations. P.S. you rock.
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Josiah reply on October 1st, 2014 8:09 pm:
Ooh, pick me! Similar to the Magratheans creating Earth to run a ten million year program with everything before that faked, the earth was created by God at it’s current age, and therefore while intelligent design did happen, all science describing how the universe was made also applies.
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February 20th, 2008 at 8:50 am
– Anyone is allowed to devour any child found to be screaming on an overnight flight. The airline staff is required to provide the gourmand with a crab mallet for this purpose.
– All candidates for public office must consent to having their picture taken during orgasm for use on election ballots.
– Within an hour before any negotiation, diplomats must achieve orgasm and have played with a puppy for at least 15 minutes.
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February 20th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
-I think any mention of school shootings in the media should be banned anyway, because all these losers are trying to do is get attention anyway.
-I think some juvenile offenses should be handled with a caning, like in Thailand, since I am willing to bet this would put an end to many vandalism cases.
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February 20th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Unsuccessful Darwin Award attempts shall get a consolation prize of immediate sterilization. If someone is too stupid to live, but somehow manages to survive, at least they should be kept from continuing their genetic legacy of idiocy.
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February 20th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Any resident over the age of 65 will be required to take a new Driver’s License test and if they fail, and are on more the 3 different kinds of medication, they will be summarily deported to Canada and all rights to citizenship will hence forth be revoked. (This will solve many problems such as Social Security and Medicare)
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February 20th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
SKIPPY FOR PRESIDENT!
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February 20th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
-All pedophilia, rather than treatment, shall be met with summary execution (please not that pedophilia is actually defined as love of the very young; gettin it on with teenagers is hebophilia, and honestly not as serious as buggering a four year old).
-All baby names must be approved both for spelling, context, and existence as an actual word in either the English language or a language of the submitted parents’ ancestors, ie, two parents come to name their kid “Skeletor”, it’s a no go; but if one of them’s Greek and wants to name him “Apollo”, it might get a pass….especially if their last name is Creed.
-Bluetooth earpieces are only allowed in vehicles, and while the person in question is driving. If you that big a bag of douche to to wear it around and talk like you’re big and important, prepare for a whippin’.
-People who talk, answer phones, or bring inappropriately-aged children into the theater I’m seeing a movie in will be sat down and tied to a chair for an entire weekend in front of a big screen television. Every channel will be showing “Howard the Duck”, “Battlefield Earth”, or “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane”, with every channel showing the same one. So at any given time, they will be tortured.
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February 20th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I agree with all of them ‘cept for Seth Green. He gave us Robot Chicken, let him live as long as he continues to do so.
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Snyarhedir reply on January 28th, 2011 3:53 pm:
Robot Chicken is anything but an argument for the commutal of the death sentence.
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Sicarius reply on January 28th, 2011 3:58 pm:
Some of it is okay? Plus the whole thing where he was on Buffy. That’s got to count for SOMETHING.
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February 21st, 2008 at 12:36 am
There will be strict age and weight limits for wearing spandex or lycra; offenders will be shot on sight.
Example: one of my coworkers rides his bike to work two or three days a week. While his dedication to biking is laudable, on those days he wears his bike shorts ALL THE DAMN DAY. Trust me, Skippy: you do NOT want to share an office with a 63-year-old in bike shorts. And fer cryin’ out loud, we’ll all been subjected to very fat and/or very old people in spandex, and it just ain’t pretty.
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February 21st, 2008 at 1:27 am
The dress code for all public establishments must be re-inforced by appointed Fashion Police. If you are caught wearing pajama pants, slippers, robes or any form of sleeping attire to a pubic shopping, eating or recreational facility the culprit must then be banned for life from all establishmennts and forced to watch a marathon of The Red Green Show for 3 days straight.
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February 21st, 2008 at 3:26 am
I love it, except I want an amendment to Seth Green’s death, we need him to finish voice acting for his character in Mass Effect first. Once that’s done, go ahead.
You forgot something to punish companies that outsource tech support or switch their headquarters to some other country for tax purposes.
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February 21st, 2008 at 3:28 am
exercise (such as P.E.) will be manditory and will not be taking over the computer. All able bodied (anyone who can move without dying) must get at least an hour of good old fashioned heart pumping, fat killing excersise like god intended. Anyone 15 or more pounds overweight will be subjected to walking everywhere they need to go (it wont kill them) . All people who could be considered anorexic or bulimic will be forced to eat until they are two pounds overweight (dancers and cheerleaders have no choice but to eat at least three meals and two snacks a day)
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February 21st, 2008 at 8:24 am
-anyone who believes that the customer is ALWAYS right will be forced too work in a low level public orientated job for at least a month-
-health & safety guidlines will be reviewed by a group of stunt actors, if they still think something is dangerous THEN it can be warned about-
-stupid warning labels will also be removed from said stunt actor’s….if you take your hair dryer in the shower you deserve too be electrocuted-
-prisons will be assessed by hotel inspectors and restaurant critics, anything that would achieve at least 1 star will be forced too lower its standards immediately…prison is a punishment people-
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February 21st, 2008 at 11:10 am
that all politicians put all of their wealth into the economy. that way, if they f@#$ up too much they will have no-one to blame but themselves!
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February 21st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Hmm after have taken over in USA could you help us to introduce some of these Rules in Europe?
Especially 2,3,5 and 10.
With regard to pedophiles I’d rather propose total castration as a suitable punishment.
And what is intelligent design?! Ah I’m gonna ask aunt Wiki …
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February 21st, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I’m in agreement with Sicarius here, that Seth Green has immunity while RC is still on the air.
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February 21st, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Convicted Rapists should be punished via castration with a cheese grater WITH OUT the benefit of anasthesia.
Abortion is not a method of birth control, if you get pregnant and terminate it that is your choice, once is an accident, twice may be an error but three times is a habit. There are plenty of methods to prevent unwanted pregnancy chose one or the third time you go in to have it terminated, you will be sterilized.
Welfare should be Workfare you want the Government to give you money, you need to give the Government some kind of work in return. I don’t care if you pull weeds at the old folks home or pick up trash along the highway or if you are incapable of that work at the DMV (very little physical movement there) but you need to be either training for a job or looking for a job at least 4 hours a day and giving the government something for its investment.
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February 21st, 2008 at 5:25 pm
The repeat offender clause of Declaration #2 is just so damned evil that you deserve a Nobel Prize in… something.
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February 21st, 2008 at 7:15 pm
You have now given my husband and son’s sword collection meaning! In our world, dueling with pistols is out, sharp, pointy things are in! Where can we buy tickets to the Seth Green execution?
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February 21st, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Fachists!….. i like all of these laws, but i thunk i’m first inline for execution….
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February 21st, 2008 at 10:10 pm
1. All airplane flights will have special seating for those over 6 feet tall.
2. People from Illinois must pass a driving test from every state, France, Germany, Belgium, U.K., and Ireland, to help improve their quality of driving. (no offense to those from Illinois who can actually drive in a polite and decent manner)
3. Serial murderers, serial rapists, and narcotics dealers shall be shot on site.
4. Affermative action shall be abolished. All those who are an American citizen shall be refered to only as an American.
5. The only people who are Native American are those who where born in America, are an American citizen, and have spent over 80% of their life living in America.
6. Green Day must publicaly disband.
7. The lowest passing grade in schools is a 70.01 percent.
8. No one shall one a car until they have graduated high school.
9. You cannot go to the next grade if you have less than 70.01% in at least one class, or are below the average reading ability for you grade.
10. Al Gore is exiled.
11. All things claiming Global Warming to be man caused and something other than part of the global cycle shall be rendered down into food for criminals.
12. The only liberty criminals have is reading and a visitor only on these days:Birthdays, Wedding Anniversaries, Christmas, Easter, or other religious event needing family.
13. A college education required to stay in America as a citizen if over the age of 30. Exceptions are if the person in question is still in college.
14. The official language is English, but shall furthermore be called Americ, for our version of English is not actually English anymore.
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February 21st, 2008 at 10:15 pm
I forgot one so here it is:
15. Anyone who insults your honor can be crushed by the offended. Insulting honor is questioning your word, not paying mony owed, insulting your family and religion, and being rude. The combat shall be unarmed and fought until someone yields, dies, or gets blinded.
Sorry about the length.
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February 21st, 2008 at 10:45 pm
-All unmarried attractive females shall go around topless. Only when on duty in the armed forces shall they wear a shirt.
-During winter in areas that recieve snow women can wear ,only while outside, boots, snowpants, winter jackets.
-All female sporting events are done nude. This includes wearing no helmets or pads.To tell teams apart, members are painted on their backs and stomachs only!
-Only female sporting events with helmets and pads are lacross, boxing (so they don’t mess up their face, aka they wear sparring helmets), rugby, baseball (helmets), hocky can be fully clothed (its cold and dangerous), skiing, snowboarding, and fencing.
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February 22nd, 2008 at 12:39 am
And that Wiener Schnitzel shall be followed around by fat women till he realizes his fault and that law is removed. Beauty is relative. Also pajama pants are great, fashion police are creepy and a hazard to themselves. If they went near my socks I would murder them.
As for a law…hmmm.
If you clone yourself, create some living thing, undead thing, or weird bacteria virus thing and it messes with the population you are required to hunt it down kill it. Donate its body to science and give a public apology. Then never speak of it again.
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February 22nd, 2008 at 4:58 am
All males must be proficient with fire arms by the age of 12 or be sent to France.
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February 22nd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Sorry Jack, but a college education is not relevant to the lives of the majority of Americans and is mostly a waste of time. Try matching the majority of degrees to any kind of gainful employment, other than Doctors, Lawyers and various scientific pursuits.
I propose the following amendments:
1) All ablebodied adults will serve a minimum two year stint in the Armed Forces by the age of 25
2) The military will stop being the kindler gentler Army/Marines/Navy/Air Force/Coast Guard and will return to its roots from boot camp on. Yes your drill sergeant is allowed to lay your *** out on the ground when you mouth off.
If your parents didn’t teach you how to be functioning adult member of society then that mistake will be rectified.
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February 22nd, 2008 at 6:17 pm
The United States Military will no longer go save some countries ass then Pay to rebuild/modernize that country just to be spit on and kicked out. If you Call for help be prepared to become an American Colony, to accept American Values, American Laws and all your people will be expected to abide by them. None of this Shari(?) law where women are treated as property, not allowed to voice their opinions or show their faces. Also State mandated religion will be outlawed and anyone persecuting some one else for their religious beliefs will be executed.
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February 22nd, 2008 at 7:33 pm
-All drug dealers and drug creators (illeagle drugs) shall be rounded up and lock in a cage with the people who are addicted to the drugs.
-Drug dealers locked in the cages will be allowed 5 minutes to pray if they wish before the addicts are released.
-Marijuana is no longer an illeagle drug due to the fact that it grows naturally.
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February 22nd, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Ok thought of another.
-The papparazzi as well as Movie/Music/TV/etc reveiw “experts” shall be made to watch Serial Experiments Lain Non stop over and over until their heads explode. You don’t know everything. And I don’t care about “celebrities” shut up and get the fuck off my tv.
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February 22nd, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Some further thoughts (and amendments)
a) Pedophiles will be chemically castrated, and have a large “P” branded on their foreheads. Attempted pedos (people who fall for sting operations) will just have the brand. Repeat offenders will be jailed for at least the same term as a murderer in the same class (molest a 6 year old = murder a six year old) and/or executed.
b) Politicians will have their pay changed to always be exactly that of a teacher. They will also have their job linked to the academic and/or economic performance of their constituency.
c) Further, anyone running for public office will be given a flat amount of money to campaign with. They are not allowed to spend any more than that to campaign. Period. Also, they will not be allowed to campaign more than 9 months before an election.
d) Any store or similar putting out holiday merchandise, decorations, or music more than 45 days before the holiday, or 15 days after the holiday, will be fined, mocked, and/or firebombed
e) Anyone who holds a patent, does nothing with it, manufacturers nothing related to it, is not developing it, and sues people who are will be flogged, stripped of their patent, and must explain to the world at large why they are greedy hateful bastards.
f) All laws will be examined by 12 year olds. If they do not think it is fair, it is too complicated, or is unnecessary, it will be removed.
g) Lawyers will be abolished in courtrooms, as will pre-written statements. If you want to press a lawsuit, YOU have to stand up and argue it. Since public speaking is the #1 fear of all Americans, this should cut down on courtroom clutter and frivolous lawsuits.
h) Anyone found guilty of initiating a frivolous lawsuit will be placed in the stocks and/or flogged.
i) News organizations will all be non-profit and funded by clearly-disclosed NGOs or special government funds. Any organization that is not must label itself as a “tabloid”.
j) All academic universities will abolish university-sponsored sports teams.
k) The entire population will be sterilized with nanites. You can bone all you like, but if you wish to actually reproduce, you must be found to be a more or less responsible adult with the probability of being a somewhat competent parent. Plus know a few basics: kids are messy, noisy, and expensive, and you shouldn’t feed a baby peanuts and ground beef.
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February 23rd, 2008 at 12:23 am
Thought of another one: anybody sentanced to death, regardless of their crime, will only be allowed ONE appeal per court level: one appeal to the circuit court, one appeal to their state supreme court, one appeal to the US Supreme Court. And whether or not they do appeal, unless the sentance is voided they will be executed no more than five years from their sentancing date.
(Ain’t gonna be another case like John Wayne Gacy, who admitted killing thirty-three people but was still appealing TWENTY-THREE YEARS after sentancing….. and his last appeal was, believe it or not, to delay his execution because he “hadn’t had enough time to write his will”!)
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February 23rd, 2008 at 11:28 am
-professional sport stars will no longer be paid millions they will be reverted too a standard wage packet set by an itelligent group of people [probably us] the millions saved this way will be donated too the third world.
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February 24th, 2008 at 3:12 am
Just puttin this out there….while in theory the pedophile plans of sterliziation are good, the practice has shown that the urge is still there, as shown by a level of aggression..ie, when they dont have the sexual compulsion, it gets turned into aggression, which results in violent crime. So I’m stickin with my execution plan, just cuz it’d prevent other crimes from happening. Oh, and anyone who can’t realize that global warming is in fact largely contributed to by human intervention, is freaking moron. Pick up a book, put down the beer, open your mind and shut your mouth.
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February 24th, 2008 at 3:16 am
Then what about all the climate changes before humans started burning fossil fuels and shit? Hell, the Earth is overdue for a fairly massive climate change. Should humans care more about the enviroment? Yes. Did we cause global warming? No. Did we contribute? Some, yes. But not all or even most.
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February 24th, 2008 at 5:02 am
Most is caused by us; even the natural ebb and flow change of climate pales in comparison to the changes that have occured since we took to using fossil fuels and coal and such things. I’m not saying that it isn’t partly a natural phenomenon, but if you look at the actual numbers of it all, we caused the lion’s share of it. And while some fluctuation of temperature worldwide is unavaoidable, to say that it’s mostly the world we live in and not what we know harms the environment, when what we’re doing is on just as widespread a level, and in greater quantities than the world at large can cope with, is just ridiculous.
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February 24th, 2008 at 5:40 am
http://www.reasons.org if you wish for an intelligent, scientific approach towards intelligent design (not to be confused with the unscientific, disillusioned 6 24 hour day, 10000 year old earth belief)
Otherwise, I agree with all the rules except I guess I don’t know enough about Seth Green and should consider myself lucky. Of the rule addendums, the rule dealing with spandex and lycra should be expanded to include two piece bathing suits, and bikini bottoms. ugh. I do like the suggestions dealing with politicians and those who say the customer is always right. hehehe
My addition? public and corparal punishment shall be returned immediately to schools, to be given at the teacher’s discretion. Even if it’s only to stop suspected behaviour.
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February 24th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Guys? This is not a forum for debating global warming. There’s plenty of those out there. But we should still remove the item about rendering down those who believe in it from the list because, true or not, that would establish a dogma, would prohibit anything resembling intelligent debate on the issue, and would be excessive in any case.
Furthermore, there still isn’t consensus as to exactly WHY mass shootings happen. Publicity may have something to do with it, and there ARE ‘copycat’ shooters out there, but often analysis of the writings of mass shooters reveals that they– in some twisted way– consider thier actions a form of heroism. And the fact that the US’ mental health care system is just plain broken might have something to do with that.
Furthermore, as for the ‘bluetooth while driving’ thing… that impairs you JUST AS MUCH as being drunk while behind the wheel. I think that cell phones shouldn’t come with bluetooth capability, but that cars should come with the ability to plug a cell phone into the sound system so that you can listen to it without having to have it next to/plugged into your ear.
As for executing the guy who does Robot Chicken… if you tried to kill off everyone who creates TV shows that dumb, you’d have a lot of killing to do. Even just restricting it to the cartoonists.
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February 24th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
For those dangerous people who drive while using cellphones: all cars will come equipped/be retrofitted with a legally-required zapper installed in the driver’s seat. Any driver who attempts to use a phone while driving (no difference if it’s handheld or handsfree) will be zapped: I like to call this the “jolt for the dolt” plan. The first phone-useage will cause a relatively mild zap, and there will be increasingly stronger zaps right up to the nice toasty ‘taser’ level.
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February 24th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Put simply, as we burn more things (wood, oil, gas, coal etc) it releases carbon dioxide. The more we burn the more CO2 in the atmosphere. If we are also cutting down large areas of trees, and poisoning the plankton that converts this carbon dioxide back into oxygen, the planet is going to get warmer. Just logic.
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February 24th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Hey, Skippy, instead of executing Seth Green, send him to live with me. According to my little sister, living with me is punishment enough…:-D
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February 25th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
The only thing labelled shall be food and directions, for those are the only things that should be labelled. Anyone attempting to label a person will be mocked and forced to watch little kids’ TV for the next year. To learn the lesson of ‘get along with each other’ all over again. Also, those people that try to make others feel bad will have all their belongings taken away except those needed for survival.
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February 26th, 2008 at 1:14 am
Any person who has contributed, or shall hereafter contribute, to this list any comment which contains any error in grammar, punctuation or spelling, shall have his citizenship revoked and be banished from the lands of the United States of America, its territories and possessions. The citizens of said United States, through their governments, have provided generously for the education of residents; persons too indolent to take advantage of such provisions should not be allowed to remain a burden on the body politic.
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February 26th, 2008 at 4:17 am
Execution? Exile? Torture?
It is surprising how quickly we turn to authoritarian dictators when we are offered complete control.
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February 26th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Rock on, Jama!
-Anyone who uses the words “like,” or “duh” with excessive frequency will be forced to wear a gag in public until they’ve learned to use the language properly.
-Anyone who cannot stop their phone conversation long enough to order a sandwich/pay for goods at a store will have their cell phone confiscated.
-Before you spout off about any conspiracy theory (no matter how plausible, interesting or culturally relevant) you must have at least one piece of corroborated data that supports your theory. This includes young-Earth creationists. Anyone breaking this rule will have their existence ridiculed on Wikipedia.
-Anyone caught reading “The Da Vinci Code” in public will be beaten soundly around the head with it.
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February 26th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I was with you up until the end, especially #8 … the world would be a much better place with #8. But what did my little brother Seth ever do to you? Sir, I challenge you to a duel!
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February 26th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I, too, have to ask that edict #11 be a bit more specific. I’d hate for my Seth Green to pay for the crimes of a C-list actor.
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February 28th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Nice! When are you going to start campaingning? If I may recommend a few more,
-Pedophilia & rape will be made Capitol crimes, punishment to be exaced immediatly after conviction.
-All Citizens will be held accountable for their actions.
-Chain Gangs will be re-instated.
-Gym, PE, PT, or whatever you feel like calling it will be madatory a minimum of twice a week from pre-school to high-school. And no pansy activities like throwing beach balls. Excersize you lazy-fat assed bastards! It won’t kill you!
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February 28th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
-“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” refers to actions of questionable legality more than anything else.
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March 1st, 2008 at 3:54 pm
-Anyone on tv who asks about a celebrity’s life shall be shanked/shanghaied immediately.
-Shanked: To be shot, blown up, crushed, lit on fire.
-Shanghaied:stabbed, frozen, molecularly ripped apart, anything else not covered by shanked.
-Abortion not allowed. If your dumb enough to get pregnant when you don’t want to be or before marriage, deal with it.
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March 3rd, 2008 at 1:01 am
excuse me, but the Jack? How about anybody who thinks he has the right to order me what to do with my body, be covered in honey and staked out on an anthill? “Dumb enough to get pregnant when you don’t want to”?!? Sheesh! Ya ever hear of GBH, the date-rape drug? Plain old rape or incest? The simple failure of either The Pill or a condom, both of which happen more than you seem willing to admit? How about the fact that YOUR religious beliefs are most definately YOURS, not mine! How about the fact that ANY pregnancy takes TWO people, and one of them should not be forced to risk her life if she does not want to?!?
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March 4th, 2008 at 1:36 am
“The official language is English, but shall furthermore be called Americ, for our version of English is not actually English anymore.”
..And by virtue of it’s long and sordid history of acquisition of parts of speech, any word from another language (or even one made up on the spur of the moment for technology etc.)that falls into common usage is hereby claimed as authentic Americ and the original language of origin will surrender all claim to said word or phrase. Comprende?
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March 5th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
skippy 4 prez!
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March 5th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
“Any person who has contributed, or shall hereafter contribute, to this list any comment which contains any error in grammar, punctuation or spelling, shall have his citizenship revoked and be banished from the lands of the United States of America, its territories and possessions. The citizens of said United States, through their governments, have provided generously for the education of residents; persons too indolent to take advantage of such provisions should not be allowed to remain a burden on the body politic.”
well! i? LOL. in. UR, FCE SO STFU I WILL USE ALL THE INCRECT LANGUAGE I WNT, I WILL USE PUNCUTION!,. WHENEVER SO FOR REALS WORD UP!!!!~
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March 10th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Mitch, there is no such thing as “scientific intelligent design.” It’s a lie. There are no potential falsifications. It’s a pseudoscience, at best. Usually, it’s not even wrong.
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March 10th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Please don’t send the previously mentioned senior citizens (failed drivers test/3 kinds of medication) to Canada – we don’t want them here either.
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March 13th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
You need to sync your thinking up with Mad Mike http://www.madmikein08.com/
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March 15th, 2008 at 2:41 am
-Anyone who claims that the Bible should be the basis of the legal system will be treated as though it WAS the basis of the legal system, regardless of whether or not they have actually read it. Ditto the Torah, Koran, and any other holy book.
-The legal code, and society in general, will no longer discriminate against gays, lesbians, intersex persons, and transgendered persons. Anyone proven in noncompliance with this edict will be revealed to be a pedophile on national television.
-Seeking the death penalty under any circumstances where a lesser penalty would be reasonable will be considered a form of attempted murder.
-The military will return to the state of affairs where Congress needs to reauthorize its existence every six years. Should it be dissolved, its members will immediately recieve one year’s pay at the rank above their current one and anyone fighting overseas (although unlikely) will be called back home as soon as is feasible.
-Wars will no longer be fought for any reason other than absolute self-defense.
-The evolution/intelligent desigh debate will take place in all high schools. However, before witnessing said debate, all students will be required to be able to pass the exit exams (see below) in science and logic.
-Rather than focusing on abstinence-only sex education as a form of population control, birth-control devices will be made easily available in most public places. And rather than using abstinence as a means of checking the AIDS epidemic in Africa, condoms will be dropped in job lots by parachute.
-Abortion will be made freely available, and the social stigma will be removed is the same manner as the stigma attached to LGBT people.
-An exit exam will be a requirement to graduate from any public or private school. Anyone attempting to homeschool their child will be required to demonstrate adequate knowledge of math, science, English, and any other standard subject covered by passing same test with a significantly better score than the average graduate.
-On the subject of education, logic and philosophy will be taught in middle school rather than made college subjects.
-Tax evasion will be punishable by exile. And using shell corporations to evade taxes will be punishable by massive tarrifs.
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March 15th, 2008 at 10:47 am
A suitable punishment for any crime, be it murder or vandalism, would be to strap the convict securely into a plastic school chair situated in a sound-proof room, complete with a giant plasma screen TV, surround sound, 2 giant bass speakers and a DVD player… which just so happens to be playing an hour-long episode of Teletubbies… on a loop… at an incredibly high volume that isn’t quite enough to deafen. If it doesn’t kill the convict, it will deter them from further criminal offences.
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March 15th, 2008 at 11:43 am
-All people applying for government possitions will have to pass an IQ test with 140 or above.
-Anybody wanting to posses or buy a gun will have to pass a rudimentary psychological exam testing for mental stability and take lessons on proper use and care for a gun, once passed they may buy a rifle or shotgun but in order to buy a pistol or any other concealable gun they must pass even more rigorous psychological exams. and fully automatic weapons will be outlawed to the general public.(background checks and waiting periods still apply).
-Racial and religious intollerance will be punished according to sevarity ranging from public humiliation and flogging to death.
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March 25th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
all past presidents will be assainated by a sledgehammer
Seymour butts will become the nations capital
The new saying for the US is i didnt do it
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May 21st, 2008 at 3:32 am
They still have corporal punishment at my old school. You get a choice: three whacks with a paddle or a day in ISS. Most people choose the paddle, or their parents say that they MUST choose the paddle, and there isn’t a lot of trouble at that school.
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August 11th, 2015 at 4:12 am
i think behr paint (behr.com) has something like that, but i belveie there is a $5 fee i’ve not used it, but i have looked at colors on the website before. also you can pick up the paint booklets/chips at home depot (from behr) and the booklets has complimentary colors and shows the paint in different rooms.i personally like the behr paint (semi gloss) because its wonderful for being able to clean it especially with kids and crayons, markers, finger paints, etc. it is a little costlier than most paints, but it covers great and last great also if you use the behr paint and there is something wrong with the paint itself a behr representative will come out and paint your walls for you (there has to be something
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