New rules once I take over as supreme ruler of the United States.
Declaration #1: Being an asshole will be considered a form of violent assault. As such, violent retribution will be considered self-defense. In other words, as long as you can convince a jury of your peers that the son of a bitch had it coming, it’s kosher.
Declaration #2: All non-violent crimes will be punished with public flogging. Want to eliminate white collar crime? Start dragging crooked investment bankers into a public square and beat them. They’ll get the idea really fast. Particularly attractive female convicts may get a spanking instead.
Repeat offenders may have an implant installed into their ears that plays “Tom’s Diner” on a loop. Until they die.
Declaration #3: All juvenile crimes will be punished with use of the stocks. Nothing amends teenage behavior faster than public embarrassment.
Declaration #4: The definition of the crime of pedophilia will be amended to include all acts of terrorism. This way anytime a terrorist is named on the news, they will be described as a pedophile.
Declaration #5: If a news agency is caught telling, fabricating, or repeating information that it knows to be false, see declaration #2.
Declaration #6: People who go on killing sprees to get attention (See V- Tech, NIU, Columbine, etc.) will not ever be mentioned by name in the press. They will only be referred to by silly emasculating names such as “Darling Princess Poofiness the Third”. All pictures of them will be modified to put them in ridiculous outfits. Once a year there will be a holiday where small children gather to laugh at these people. This will do more to reduce school violence than any amount of dress codes or banned music.
Declaration #7: All proponents of intelligent design as science must give up their thumbs. (People that believe it as religion are fine…just as long as they stay the hell away from public schools.)
Declaration #8: The practice of dueling is will be reinstated. This will solve many of societies problems immediately, such as people who use cell phones at the movies, folks who don’t tip waitresses or the pizza guy, media pundits, and Andy Dick.
Declaration #9: Restaurants will be forbidden from creating their own sizes. Small, medium, and large are sizes. Venti is an invitation for an ass-whooping.
Declaration #10: Reality shows will be outlawed, unless they are arranged in such a way that 95% of the participants die. The Surreal Life/Running Man hybrid, alone, will make this one worthwhile.
Declaration #11: Seth Green will be publicly executed, by way of an elephant, a waffle iron, and a case of Thunderbird brand malt liquor.
He knows why.
Did I forget anything?
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