Archive for February, 2008

Okay, I picked up a copy of 30 Days of Night on the way home. I didn’t get to see it in the theater, so I was excited by my purchase. I entered my house chanting “frosty vampire apocalypse!” while waving my new acquisition about. I even unleashed my patented “Vampire Apocalypse Dance” while my wife offered helpful suggestions such as “Sweet Jesus! Stop that horrible gyrating before I go blind!” and “At least put your pants back on!” But before I can watch it I have to write a post. So without further ado:

1. Vampires probably move slower on a full stomach. So make friends with at least one fat, slow person. Try to make it a vegan for increased irony. Important note: Take stock of your friends weight. If you are the fat slow one, you may need to make new friends. Order Levitra cheapest online at http://www.bantuhealth.org/levitra-generic-buy/ for good erection.

2. If cornered, try crossing your arms over your chest, with both hands making fists held at shoulder level. Some people think this means invisible to vampires.

3. If you hear the cat behind you, drop whatever you are holding (even if it’s a baby) and run. Remember. It’s not the cat. IT’S NEVER THE CAT!

4. I’m sure that you could probably wedge a wooden stake down the barrel of a shotgun to make a high powered stake launcher out of it. Furthermore I am sure that there is no way that such an improvised device could fail in a catastrophic manner.

5. Crosses don’t always work. I have always believed that this is because not all vampires started off as Christians. Thus try to have a symbol from every religion you can. Get a Crucifix, a Star of David, a Cresent Moon, a Pentagram, and an Eye of Horus. As soon as I figure out what the heck Scientology uses to scare off vampires I’m getting one of those too.

6. A series of underground tunnels connecting peoples houses through the basements will be a tremendous asset to everyone’s survival. Get started now. I’m sure the neighbors will thank you. Anyone who acts upset about the tunnels is clearly enthralled by some sort of evil undead master, and must be cleansed by fire. (Or, if you are in a relationship with them, you may smack them in the head with a gun.)

Does anyone else have other suggestions?

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New rules once I take over as supreme ruler of the United States.

Declaration #1: Being an asshole will be considered a form of violent assault. As such, violent retribution will be considered self-defense. In other words, as long as you can convince a jury of your peers that the son of a bitch had it coming, it’s kosher.

Declaration #2: All non-violent crimes will be punished with public flogging. Want to eliminate white collar crime? Start dragging crooked investment bankers into a public square and beat them. They’ll get the idea really fast. Particularly attractive female convicts may get a spanking instead.

Repeat offenders may have an implant installed into their ears that plays “Tom’s Diner” on a loop. Until they die.

Declaration #3: All juvenile crimes will be punished with use of the stocks. Nothing amends teenage behavior faster than public embarrassment.

Declaration #4: The definition of the crime of pedophilia will be amended to include all acts of terrorism. This way anytime a terrorist is named on the news, they will be described as a pedophile.

Declaration #5: If a news agency is caught telling, fabricating, or repeating information that it knows to be false, see declaration #2.

Declaration #6: People who go on killing sprees to get attention (See V- Tech, NIU, Columbine, etc.) will not ever be mentioned by name in the press. They will only be referred to by silly emasculating names such as “Darling Princess Poofiness the Third”. All pictures of them will be modified to put them in ridiculous outfits. Once a year there will be a holiday where small children gather to laugh at these people. This will do more to reduce school violence than any amount of dress codes or banned music.

Declaration #7: All proponents of intelligent design as science must give up their thumbs. (People that believe it as religion are fine…just as long as they stay the hell away from public schools.)

Declaration #8: The practice of dueling is will be reinstated. This will solve many of societies problems immediately, such as people who use cell phones at the movies, folks who don’t tip waitresses or the pizza guy, media pundits, and Andy Dick.

Declaration #9: Restaurants will be forbidden from creating their own sizes. Small, medium, and large are sizes. Venti is an invitation for an ass-whooping.

Declaration #10: Reality shows will be outlawed, unless they are arranged in such a way that 95% of the participants die. The Surreal Life/Running Man hybrid, alone, will make this one worthwhile.

Declaration #11: Seth Green will be publicly executed, by way of an elephant, a waffle iron, and a case of Thunderbird brand malt liquor.
He knows why.

Did I forget anything?

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Recently me and my wife were watching the Farscape series on DVD. One of the main characters went through a period where an evil alien had taken partial possession of his brain. This would manifest itself through bouts of crazy and irrational behavior. At one point when the evil alien’s forces were closing in on the good guys, the brain control made the hero try to surrender. His girlfriend realized what was going on, and rescued him. By hitting him in the head with her gun until he went unconscious.

Upon seeing this my wife turns to me, and sweetly informs me that if an alien presence ever took over my mind, that she would knock me out with a gun to save me.

I have a few problems with this. Firstly, we do in fact have a gun present in this house. A very large semi-automatic shotgun. So she has the tools at hand to carry out this idea.

Problem number two. My wife can be a bit “enthusiastic” at times.

The third issue is my belief that my wife will take a rather liberal definition of “alien presence takes control”.

“Hey! You’re looking at our waitress instead of me! Clearly some sort of alien mind-control is at work!” Bonk.

“The toilet seat is up! This smacks of alien trickery!” Smack.

“My husband would never lay on the ground having a seizure brought on by severe skull trauma! Release him you impostor!” Clobber.

So I’ve taken to hiding the gun, and wearing my Romance Helmet around the house.

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My Friend Dave Rodriguez’s web-comic has been taking off lately. He’s been doing so well that he is only a few votes out of the Top Web Comics Top 10 list.

So if you haven’t already checked it out, drugs please take a look, it’s pretty good. And if you like it, please click this link to vote for it.

(Or if you don’t care, click on the link anyways)

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One of my readers recently sent me an email, wanting some help with a problem. (Cool I’m an advice columnist now!)

Evidently this reader’s husband likes to screw with her mind. (In a good way.) Even while he is deployed overseas, he still manages to get the upper hand. So she would like help in coming up with ways to surprise him.

Because if there’s one thing this site has demonstrated is that I am good at surprising people.

Here are some ideas:

Send him photos of yourself wearing a sexy outfit. But construct the outfit entirely out of food. Bonus points: Use only un-sexy food-stuffs, like pizza, snow crab legs, or chicken McNuggets. Write a long letter to accompany it acting as if this is the most erotic thing a wife has ever done for a husband.

Get every woman you know to start sending him love letters. Creepy ones.

Go buy 101 of some small cheap disposable toy. Identical looking ones. (Erasers, toy cars, whatever) Then number them with a marker. (1 of 101, 2 of 101 ect) Then send them one per day, in numerical order. The first one will mildly confuse him. After the second one he will realize that there are 99 more of these things to come.

Act like he forgot something important, then refuse to tell him what it was. (Guys love that!)

Clown Porn

Send him letters that are responding to questions that he didn’t ask.

Fill his next care package with glitter. Because it’s pretty much impossible to handle loose glitter without becoming very very sparkly.

Tell him you found a woman to have a threesome with him. Send him a picture of a drag queen. One with stubble.

Does anybody else have any suggestions?

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