On A Serious Note (No, Really)
Last week I played a prank on my readers, by leading them along about an unpleasant subject, before turning it into a joke. If you just got here, go ahead and read it now, I’ll wait.
I’d say that I am sorry for doing that to my regular readers, but let’s face it. You know that I’m not, and that’s probably why you keep reading my site. Because you know that I have the capacity and the willingness to turn painful emotional turmoil into a bad pun. That’s just the kind of service I like to provide.
But it has been pointed out to me that this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed publicly more often.
We currently have a suicide epidemic amongst those that serve. Take a look at this article.
Over 6,000 veterans killed themselves in 2005. That’s more than we have lost in combat since operations in Iraq began.
And so I am going to talk about the same thing, but this time no jokes.
Pretty much everything I described about my problems coming home from Kosovo was true, with the exception of the model part.
I got back to the states and took leave right away. I was a little weirded out at first, which I just attributed to having been home for only a week or so. I noticed that I now had issues with being in crowded areas. And once a friend of mine tried to run up and hug me. I reacted by stiff-arming her hard in the chest with my left hand, while reaching my right arm to my side where my (now imaginary) rifle would be hanging, to make sure she couldn’t grab it. Which was a tad embarrassing.
Upon returning I was sent to language school.
Unfortunately I stopped falling asleep at night. I lashed out at my teammates, and I couldn’t concentrate or study worth a damn. Which made trying to study Arabic go from a rather unpleasant exercise in futility to nightmarishly unpleasant exercise in futility. I tried to talk about it with a few of the soldiers I worked with, but was mostly left with the impression that they thought less of me for bringing the subject up. So I quit trying to talk about it. And so I just got worse.
Maybe soldiers are better about this sort of thing now. I certainly hope they are. But if one of your buddies has started acting like an ass lately, talk to him about it. Make sure he’s alright. I know that it can seem like the sorta thing that rough-tough, high-speed, low-drag troopers shouldn’t worry about. He might even make fun of you. But would you rather suffer through an uncomfortable conversation, or find out that one of your pals was in serious pain, in need of help, and that you didn’t do anything to help?
Eventually my team SGT decided that something was seriously wrong and did send me to the medical center to speak to a shrink. And I was diagnosed with PTSD. And my treatment was Wellbutrin and sleeping pills.
Because if there’s one thing a soldier with PTSD needs, its a bottle of sleeping pills. Don’t worry though, he wasn’t completely irresponsible. He asked if I was suicidal first. Its not like a soldier would ever lie about something like that, and besides, I’m sure that the nearly half an hour he spoke to me gave him enough of an impression of who I was and how I was doing.
So let’s recap. Half an hour with a doctor. Two bottles of pills, and an appointment to come back in a few weeks to see how I was holding up.
Things did not improve significantly. Maybe Wellbutrin has helped some other people. But in my case, it just made me feel hyper, frantic, and hostile. Also, it made Dr. Pepper taste funny for some reason.
Fortunately I did happen to have a decent social support network outside of the military. I have a family that gives a damn about me, and I had plenty of non-military friends that I spoke to. And they also noticed I was acting different since I had gotten back.
And what turned out to work for me was talking about my issues with people I could trust. And it didn’t get better overnight. But over time, it did. I quit taking the pills and told Army mental health “Thanks I feel fine now all better!” for pretty much the same reasons. Because they weren’t doing a darn thing to make me feel better. And I talked it over with my friends a whole bunch more. After a few months I started to feel a little better. And after about a year or so I was pretty much over it for the most part. Although I’m still not all that comfortable in crowds anymore.
Now I’m not claiming that pills are always going to be bad for you. Nor am I saying that talking to your friends fixes everything.
There are good and bad doctors in the Army, and I think I just happened to draw a bad one. And the pills didn’t help me. But talking it out did.
So if you feel like you are having any trouble coping after a deployment, talk to someone about it. If you don’t feel comfortable talking with those you serve with, talk with your family, or friends outside of the service. Check with the mental health people in your branch of service. If you don’t want to talk about it with your chain of command, lie about having an STD scare and go anyways. If you do go with military mental health services, remember that they should be making you feel better, not worse. If they make you feel worse, speak to someone else, or try to find a private therapist or councilor. Talk you your Pastor, Rabbi, or High Priestess. Look online for support groups. Hell post anonymously in the comments on my site if you just can’t find anyone else to talk to, please just talk to someone.
And for everyone who has had any experience with problems like this, please share any information on any resources you happen to know about that could help.
Some Resources:
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Military One Source – Anonymous mental health care for people in the service.
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May 16th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
My PTSD, I learned to deal with in my own anti-social way. However, mine was completely in the civilian world…
A friend of mine spent some time in the sandbox, working as a convoy gunner. Not my place to say what exactly happened to him, but he was a bit messed up when he got back.
Actually, he’s still a lil’ messed in the head, but he’s getting better. and what helped him the most (so far) has been the support of folks close to him.
I can not stress enough the importance of getting this stuff off your chest, and airing it out!
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May 16th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
PTSD is no fun. You can get it from several places… different people suggest different ways of coping. Talking it out worked for me, perscribed drugs worked for my friend, etc.
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May 16th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
wow…3 AM typing…bad…uh…let me try that one again.
PTSD is pretty rough on a person. There’s several ways of coping with it- talking it out works pretty well, but I’ve seen prescription drugs do a good job on a number of people, so I wouldn’t toss the idea away out of hand, especially if one is removed from friends that he or she can talk to.
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May 16th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
As a member of the military health care profession i know about another method of talking about these issues outside of the military. There is a service called military one source. The website is http://www.Militaryonesource.com. (i hope you’ll make that a link or url whatever it’s called) this service offers military members who are afraid of retribution from the military or having a mental health record in their military health record an oportunity to talk to someone. It doesn’t go on any record anywhere and it’s open to all branches. Just go to that website and get the number to talk to them and they will give you a refferal off base to see a professional. Sorry the post is so long but i felt it really needed to be addressed. I only hope it helped someone even a little bit. Thanks for all the good work skippy.
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skippy reply on May 16th, 2008 8:27 pm:
Thanks, I’ll add that now.
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May 16th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
The drugs may help people level out, but the only real solution is to talk about it. By talking about your problems you are forced to examine yourself and even talking to people who have no understanding of your problems it will help you come to terms with it over time. Some people may adjust and adapt quickly and others may take years but given a chance and a sympathetic ear the cure is out there. The drugs are a crutches, much like when you break your leg they help promote an environment where the healing can take place but they are not meant to be nor should they be a permanent solution.
I hope I have managed to convey my thoughts well and that there are no misunderstandings. We all go through difficult times in our lives but the trick is to get up after being knocked down and keep on forging ahead.
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May 16th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Our Combat Stress Team in the desert automatically gave everyone a low dose of Celexa. I hated it, and I’ve told my VA-appointed PTSD therapist (woohoo disability payments) that I don’t want to go with medication if at all possible. He’s been really great, and my family and friends are all very understanding and helpful, too. They don’t invite me to fireworks, for instance. If I didn’t have my family support system, I’d probably be just like one of my dear friends and combat buddies- totally jacked up. I’m trying to be that for him, but I don’t think it’s working well.
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May 17th, 2008 at 12:27 am
The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the – Web Reconnaissance for 05/16/2008 A short recon of what’s out there that might draw your attention, updated throughout the day…so check back often.
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May 17th, 2008 at 12:57 am
I have an old army buddy who’s been to Iraq several times, and has had several friends killed. He is a different person definitely.
I’m just glad I didnt have to go there.
On the language school note, I had a question, was that at DLIFLC at the Presidio of Monterey? I was stationed there learning Korean right after BASIC, but I got injured during PT, and wasn’t losing weight fast enough for them, so they booted me out in June 2004.
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May 17th, 2008 at 3:32 am
My PTSD was not military, but was from an “at gunpoint” experience. I don’t even begin to think that what I went through is on the same scale as what our soldiers go through in a war situation, so I can’t even imagine what they have to cope with…
You’re right about the crowds thing. And what really surprised me was the reaction I had just going into places like WalMart or even the grocery store. Would have to up and leave the cart, right there. Thought I’d completely lost it… and would have, if it hadn’t been for the support network of friends I had, and everyone I kept talking to.
I guess, what I’m trying to say, for anyone who might be going through this… it does get better.
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May 17th, 2008 at 4:06 am
British Combat Medic, went to sand pit about a year ago did 6 months. When I got back I was working round base, still pretty tense, but worse of all armed. When my mate dropped a box of Rat Pack (what you yanks call MREs). Was cocked and locked within a second and kneeling weapon in shoulder within two. What stopped me firing I don’t know. But that scared the crap outta me and is ultimately what led me to leave the military and get help from outside, cause they are shite.
Am okay now. Still have to have some kind of comfort on me at all times (like a pocket knife or something) when i’m out of my house. Never relax in crowds. But I can watch films with shooting in now and not try and draw down and cover. Which is pretty cool.
The only thing that helped me was talking to my fathers grave about it all. Different ways suit different people.
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May 17th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
I did go to Kuwait between the wars, but I had much more difficulty with my tour in Bosnia. As an Air Force guy (Forward Air Controller) I was “limited” to 4 months, but was able to extend for two more and got out of Tuzla to spend time in Brcko.
Some stuff happened, nothing worth making a deal about, but I too have noticed that I’m relatively uncomfortable in crowds. I keep thinking what a single grenade or one good burst of a machine gun could do. I don’t know why that though keeps coming to mind. I do recall occasionally reaching for a non-existent side-arm from time to time and that’s where I carry my knife (I didn’t use a standard-issue holster).
I didn’t think that I had anything “wrong” with me, but there seems to be a recurring theme here, the bit about crowds of people.
Kind of wierd….at least for me.
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May 17th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
My dad has PTSD. He was deployed to Iraq for a year & came home a month early. It’s been almost a year now and he seems to be getting better but he does still sleep most of the day. I’m not completely sure what happened to him over there but from what i heard the vehicle ahead of his in the convoy got hit. He lost a good friend over there. Now that he finally retired hes not much better but you can see some improvements. Any way i can help him get past it?
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SKD reply on May 17th, 2008 9:32 pm:
Make sure to let him know that you are there if he ever needs to talk about anything. A good support network is the biggest keystone in any recovery. Personally speaking I would not bug him about it but just knowing you are there to listen while he works through whatever problems he has will significantly help.
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skippy reply on May 18th, 2008 12:51 am:
ArmyBrat
Try contacting one of the places I put the linked and ask them how you can help your father.
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May 18th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
My friends pointed out that I had the symptoms of PTSD for years after I got out of the Army (my wife says I still fight or run in my sleep and have been talking again but, a lot less then before. I did the “macho” thing for a while and ignored it by drinking heavily, but after a string of bad bar fights (never got arrested, but came DAMN close once), I learned to talk it out with friends and got a hobby that allowed me to get my aggressions out in a “constructive” manner; milsim airsofting.
As crazy as it might sound, it really did work wonders for me. Sure, you are running around shooting other people and acting tactically, but the trick is, you can LAUGH with the people afterwards about “yeah, that was me hiding behind the log that shot you in the butt”. Seeing the people you shoot get up after wards does wonders for helping you put the gad images out of your head, by replacing them with funny memories.
The bad memories never really go away, but it helps to lessen their hold on your heart, which is what really needs the healing the most.
May not work for everyone, but it worked for me, and lead to a career after my medical discharge, so kind of a “two for one” special.
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May 18th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
My story is kindof the opposite, I was injured in Basic and placed in a medical hold company. After about a month I started having screaming nightmares every night, waking up half the barracks. After about a week straight of this my Drill Sergent took me to Mental Health (she literally had to sit there and make sure I went into the office) Mental Health perscribed Ceroquil. One of my buddies made sure I took my dose that night, next morning I was completely unresponsive. Spent a couple days at Brooke Medical Center and a couple days in the Air Force hospital because it had a psych ward. When then couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, they told me I had PTSD and kicked me out.
The lesson here, find a civilian doctor.
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May 18th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Dad retired from the Army 20 years ago. Before retiring he had served for about 25 years.
Growing up, my sibs and I learned how to move and how not to move around military people. Making Daddy Jump was not a game we were encouraged to play. Nor was Bombarding Dad With Questions About Things We Learned in Modern History.
Dad still jumps at loud noises, and has asked the neighbors to give him a heads up when they go shooting in the woods. I have never asked him, but he doesn’t seem to like being in large crowds alone.
On occasion he will talk to my sibs and I about his time in the service. He tends to tell each of us different things, so later on, the sibs and I will get together and compare stories.
My immediate and extended family tends to be protective of those members that have served, to the point of sitting down those who have married in and going over what is and isn’t appropriate to ask.
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May 19th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Regarding the article:
Those suicides include all veterans from all wars, up to and including Iraq. A certain percentage of them would have occurred, deployment or no, based on the suicide rates for non-military demographics. It still is a big problem overall, because there is a huge stigma attached to mental illness in general, not just the military.
Military or not, having any sort of mental illness will destroy or damage many careers, especially any that have public relations as part of the package. It will destroy any future political career that you may want–all because of the unspoken perception of you being crazy.
PTSD aside, there are plenty of other reasons soldiers kill themselves overseas. I know one guy who shot himself while on guard duty because of how his platoon had treated him during the deployment (and that was less than three months in on a 15 month tour). His platoon sergeant was relieved for cause, but it hardly helps the soldier out.
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May 20th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Hi,
I fortunately don’t have PTSD and never was in the military. However, I do know people who have and who were.
My experience comes from a 1 year tour as a HEMS (helicopter emergency medical service) pilot, and we saw a lot of bad accidents.
Basically, if they call for you it is a big one..although we’ve had our share of not so bad ones that just looked bad initially.
Anyway, we were told in training that nobody leaves after shift until the incident was talked through and we all felt we could sleep that night. Because we were able to draw from the experience of civilian emergency workers, we were allowed to be “soft” and talk, and cry if we felt like it. And on occasion, I certainly cried.
I feel that was instrumental in now NOT having PTSD, and I try to be there for people who have. I feel fortunate that some of them trust me enough to share their stories and nightmares with me, lessening their impact.
But yeah, we are all social creatures and we need to share and communicate. Find people you trust and who are willing to listen and trying to understand. Whatever you feel is valid, and everybody has a breaking point, even the macho’s. It merely depends on speed, impact and quantity of the experiences, and whether you were given a chance to offload early enough like we were in the HEMS service.
Take care you all. You have friends out there, allow them to help you.
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November 5th, 2008 at 4:08 am
I read this article and believe me man the same stuff happened to me and all my friends.
I was back home on R and R, after a fairly rough 7 months of IEDs, weekly IDF attacks and snipers. I though I should go to a local baseball game. It was the opener for the season in Frederick, MD. Well I was pretty blitzed after about three pitchers (something else I have finally stopped using as a way to cope) and I was really enjoying the game. It was great. I was with friends, able to go where I wanted when I wanted and no one telling me that I “can’t do that!” Well the game was over and it must have been the alcohol and the lack of attention at the begining of the game – they had announced there was going to be a fireworks show afterwards. Well, I don’t remember much except the lights went out and the first explosion went off overhead. My friends told me that I just hit the ground and started crawling around in the dark trying to find my IBA and get to the nearest “goddamned bunker.” I used to like fireworks, but not now. That and my time spent with my family was less than great. My parent’s said that I had certainly changed.
Thank God I have a father who is a Vietnam vet. I would never have been able to sort it out if I didn’t have his help. I still have a hard time and after I get back from the second tour I’m sure I will be back to square one again, but at least I will know how to deal with it better.
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March 10th, 2014 at 1:54 pm
I have PTSD. That isn’t something that you would expect a locomotive engineer to have, but I have it. I got it from hitting several cars five times last month. I know, it sounds wimpy, but believe me, it’s traumatizing. No one was killed, thank God, but several people were badly injured, and one of them was 5.
There is 10000+ tons of steel rolling at 50 MPH or more and you are lucky if you have 3 miles of visibility. When you have that much steel traveling that fast, it can take several miles to stop. You can’t do anything but close the throttle, apply the brakes, sound the horn, and pray. Try going through that several times a month. Luckily, I’m a local engineer, so my trains were small. (“Small” being 20-30 cars or so)
Among engineers, it is said that if you’ve been an engineer for 1 year, you will have a grade crossing accident. If you’ve been an engineer for more than 2 years, you will have killed someone. These facts are true.
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