Archive for the ‘Smackdown’ Category

And this is how you deal with bigots.

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GTP iCommerce. “We haven’t been convicted of a sex crime against a customer in the past week!”

beats by dr. dre “Our products have never been conclusively proven to cause STDs.”

Flash Factory “We have not been successfully sued for in the past year!”

Kelly Case Law Firm “Still not disbarred for unethical conduct with farm animals!”

House Water Filters “We haven’t sold ours customers credit card information to the Nigerians yet.”

Feel free to click the links a bunch so they can see what’s getting them new traffic.
(edited because they keep trying)

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Note from skippy

I actually had a pretty decent post prepared for this week, but I felt that the following needed to take priority.

You see, last week one of my readers expressed some opinions about condoms and AIDS in the comments section.  And I had some doubts as to the accuracy of these ideas.

And even though I feel that most people are smart enough to not take medical advice from the comments section of a humor blog, I decided that I would feel bad if even one person did.

Heck, I would feel bad if the person who posted the questionable comment suffered due to a misunderstanding.  And so I let my friend EC, who is a RN, issue some corrections.

(more…)

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Normally I try not to engage in snark-fests with people who leave comments on my site. It doesn’t make me look particularly classy, and it rarely, if ever, solves anything.

But sometimes you get “one of those comments”. One of those ones that are so far out there that it is just begging for me to say something. A comment that just demands my attention, like a hot redhead in a mini-skirt wriggling coquettishly. And like a hot redhead in a mini-skirt, sometimes I just have to go “Man I’d like to get me a piece of that.”

And so I present morrogoth who responded to I’ve Been Wanting To Get This Off Of My Chest with the following:

to ward away evil summoned one must:
1. deny its exsistance, for a god is no more a god if no one believes in him any more
2. takes salt, silvers shavings and amethyst dust and create a circle and reverse that ritual, it will seal the creature again
3. dont believe that 2 con artists were able to translate texts from a people who barely left writings, into a full working spell book, and i know for fact that the rosetta stone has no sumerian text on it.
4. dont believe that 1 of said conmen mysteriously vanished leaving his house for sale to future led zepplin front man, his disappearance leads many to believe he messed with bad stuff, or he got caught in the cookie jar
5. cthulu was created when law and order seemed unbalanced, as many ancient religions. so if i recited fancy unintelligible words i can bring Sprague de Camps Conan the Cimmerian to life to pillage and loot?
or then the sexy red nails or Set?
remember my words
magic has no power over those who not give it power

Rebuttal by skippy

Thank you for you kind and timely words of advice. I do have a few issues with them that I would like to address

1. Deny the summoned evil’s existence.

This is potentially awkward, seeing as you just summoned him and all.

“WHY HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME, O SMALL PINK AND TASTY ONE?”

“I don’t believe in you! Now Piss off!”

Just seems kind of rude to me. Plus I kind of suspect that the Great Lord C’thulu doesn’t particularly care if you believe in him or not. The only thing that belief changes, as far as he is concerned, is your flavor.

I think that non-believers taste like zesty ranch.

2. Salt, silver shavings, and amethyst dust?

Dude, that’s pretty much seasoning for C’thulu. You might as well just soak in a marinade and lightly sprinkle yourself with 11 herbs and spices. You’ll be tentacle-licking good.

3. This whole thing you list seems awfully specific to ward of all evil. What if you summoned something from say, the Aztec pantheon? How is disbelieving in two random dude’s translation of Sumerian going to help you there?

I don’t think that Ahuitzotl even speaks Sumerian.

4. Again, not going to list that nonsense again down here, but I rather doubt that most people here believed that in the first place. Or where aware that it was a possibility.

But if I ever find myself confronted with some form of dark and eldritch being of darkness and evil, I will definitely inform it, in no uncertain terms, that I don’t believe that the future Led Zeppelin front man disappeared as a result of supernatural shenanigans.

Because I bet that shit works like Kryptonite.

5a. I’m pretty sure C’thulu was created when Howard Phillips Lovecraft had some bad hashish.
5b. Summoning Sprague de Camp’s Conan the Cimmerian would be a neat trick. Seeing as how Conan was a Robert E. Howard character and all.
5c. I’m pretty sure that I could probably summon Conan, Red Nails, or Set by reciting fancy unintelligible words. I’m just awesome that way.

I suspect that you, however, would probably be lucky to get two Pokemons and a Snork.

I appreciate the advice, but it is clear to me that you are no higher than a 3rd level pseudo-neo-pagan. Once you get enough XP to level up you’ll gain the new class ability called Joke. I really think if you manage to get that one it will help you out a lot.

I myself am a 9th level Sarcastic Asshole. (Its a 4th Edition Prestige Class)

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For those of you who are just reading for the first time check out this post from last week.

So I have been leaving comments in Amy Proctor’s site about this, and my feelings on the subject. I pointed out that nearly every argument that she made could be applied towards banning a religion from the post, provided that someone else objected to it.

She responded with:
“Right, Skippy, banning the sexualization of women for profit on posts and banning religion are one in the same. I don’t know why i didn’t see it sooner.”

Actually, it is the same thing.

It is the exact same thing.

It is allowing one group to look at another and say, “You can’t do that because I don’t like it”. It is saying “You shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions that I don’t agree with.”

And if religion gets a free ride, what then happens when someone makes a religion around porn? There is already one based around the Jedi Knights. So its more probable that you would think. I’m sure the argument would become “No, only real religions get protected status”. Call me on it if I’m wrong, Amy.

But the Army, for better or for worse, can and does limit religious expression on post. Rastafarian’s don’t smoke pot, Wiccans could barely practice and not have their sacred items confiscated, and I’m positive that no one will be sacrificing a POW to Tláloc to ensure a good rainy season and bountiful harvest anytime soon. Heck, I’m pretty sure that the Westboro Baptist Church wouldn’t be welcome on most bases.

Now, people have tried arguing with her on facts. The damage that she claims porn will cause has not materialized in societies where porn is accepted. Nor have these kinds of harm shown up in societies that have newly accepted porn.

But facts would not sway her.

And people tried logic. They pointed out that ink and paper can’t hurt someone. That magazines sealed in plastic don’t actually effect her simply by existing. The whole “they are harmful on post but safe if stored five minutes away” borders on superstition. That, or the belief that they are somehow radioactive. (Completely inappropriate side note: What superpowers would you get from a radioactive adult magazine? Defend your choices.)

Logic would not budge her.

And so I am left with my last, and perhaps strongest tool.

Farce.

A Modest Proposal…..For Military Bases

As Amy has pointed out, people who claim to support the military and our troops must also support the families of our soldiers. There are a growing number of soldiers who also have families. And our soldiers must be secure in the knowledge that their wives, and more importantly, their children, will receive adequate care and protection at all times. A soldier who is insecure about his family’s well-being is a soldier that cannot focus on his job. And when soldiers cannot focus on their jobs it can lead to unnecessary waste, accidents, and even death.

And so, I am forced to draw your attention to a growing danger facing our military families.

Catholicism.

“But Skippy”, you might say, “Catholicism is a religion. How can you accuse a religion of being dangerous to the military family?”

And so I will demonstrate the harm.

First of all, Catholics teach symbolic cannibalism. It’s right there during Mass, where everyone can see it. Now, if a consenting adult wishes to partake in such activities during their free time, that is their right. But it should certainly be limited to off-post, because non-Catholics shouldn’t have to have their children exposed to the idea that it is okay to eat people.

Secondly, Catholics drink wine as part of their religious services. Again, adults should be allowed to whatever they like, but there are children on Army bases now. And children shouldn’t be encouraged to drink. Because alcohol has been positively linked to alcoholism.

The current leader of the Catholic Church is a former Hitler Youth. An organization that teaches that Nazis are the infallible representatives of God’s will is on our Army bases? Goodness I should hope not.

And many people worry, justifiably I might add, that certain practices on base might harm our children. But who has time to worry about ink and glossy paper when there are children who have been irreparably harmed by Catholicism? By having turgid priest injected directly into their buttholes. Which the Church condoned by covering up. And then assigning the priests to go work with other children. I don’t think that child rapists, or their apologists, belong in the same places as our soldier’s families.

And this is just the modern, current era issues. Let’s not forget the Crusades, institutionalized torture, the Inquisition, witch trials, the selling of indulgences, religious suppression, the consumption of fish on Friday, and genocide. It’s like a laundry list of unacceptable behavior.

Now I’m not saying that soldiers shouldn’t be allowed to practice their faith as they see fit. After all, they are adults and their free time is theirs to do with as they please. I’m just pointing out that common sense dictates that the behavior of the Catholic Church is incompatible with military families.

And really, is it such a big deal to make all of the Catholics go off-post to spend their free time in the manner that they so choose? I would think that the well-being of the children should definitely come first, before the selfish desires of the Catholic Faithful.

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From the comments section of Cephalopod Surprise

“Someone send me this and stated that it was a must read, therapy “it kept me rolling”. Guess what, troche personally I saw nothing funny about this. Waht I saw was what appeared to be a lazy PFC (E3) that somehow joined or was drafted, pharmacy if he is that old, and fought the system the whole time he was there. He forgot that some of those “unemployable wives of military officers”, and by the way they also had the NCO and Enlisted wives clubs, served a very good purpose, and it seem that understood the “spirit of corps” that these functions whould bring, plus funds to help those in need.
Yes, I was a Private but did make a career of it and retired as an Officer, but through the struggles that military life always seem to bring, with the long separations plus two tours in Vietnam, I am gratefull that those wives did take the time to do thigs like this, as it help relaxed and at times help financialy. I know, we were one of those families that sought and were help.
As the old saying goes, the military is what you make of it, and takes special families to adopt. I am proud that I was able to served my country without complaining.”

I normally let comments like this go, but I am feeling crotchety today.

Tony, I pity any soldier that had the misfortune of serving under you. Your comment paints a picture of the very worst sort of Army leader.

To your credit, I re-read my post. And it does look like I am speaking about ALL family support groups, as opposed to the ones I have served with. I cannot accurately comment on every FSG in the service as I was only ever around PSYOP from 1996-2002. But I never once saw an enlisted family member involved. And it was a rare day that I even saw one treat enlisted as human beings. Most of the wives seemed to think that they possessed the same rank as their spouse, and that enlisted were there to serve them. As far as service to the families of soldiers, I never saw that as well. I always suspected that FSG was like the Army Emergency Relief. In theory it was an organization designed to take care of all the Army personnel. In reality it was just there for the officers.

In my post, I described mandatory fun activities, and mandatory volunteering. Since you mainly described me as the culprit I can only assume you endorse these practices.

Mandatory fun is an insult to the men and women who volunteer to protect this country. In this country children do not enlist. Adults do. As an adult I am quite capable of determining how I want to enjoy my free time without being led around to planned activities like an infant with a play date. I’m not saying that group activities don’t serve a purpose. I’m not even saying that all group activities need to be training related. I’m saying that if you have to order people to show up to it, at least have the decency to not pretend that it is for their enjoyment.

Next issue: the whole mandatory volunteering. Let’s just call it what it is: blackmailing soldiers into following orders that their chain of command cannot legally give. You talk about me bucking the system, yet how should this act be interpreted?

If my NCOIC was legally allowed to order me to purchase a pie why didn’t he just order me to acquire one? Because I wasn’t issued any damn pie, because we weren’t assigned to the 235^th Combat Pastry Division.

This is, in my opinion, bullying of the worst sort: taking deliberate advantage of those that you have a solemn duty to protect.

And it doesn’t say much about you as a human being or a military leader that you find such behavior acceptable.

Next the issue of “Lazy PFC … fought the system the whole time he was there.”

You’re reading an awful lot into this one army story. And you know what assuming does right? Just because I made my own fun on occasion, in no way means I didn’t do my job, to a high degree of professionalism. I’m proud of the fact that I served, what I did when I was there, and the people that I served with. I received no punishment more severe than a counseling statement the whole time I was in, and have been commended many times on taking care of the soldiers I worked with.

That’s not to say that I never fought the system. Sometimes the system is wrong and needs to be fought. Sometimes questionable leaders do questionable things to the troops, and thus they need to be questioned. But this isn’t even really about one of those times.

In this instant I was issued a questionable order, and I followed it. I just followed it in a way that brought me and my fellow soldiers more joy than the chain of command intended.

Most soldiers have a sense of humor. Hell, remember the LTC who took a squid to the face? He laughed his ass off once he got over the shock. Little pranks such as this, are part of what made the occasional insanity of military service tolerable. There is most assuredly a time and a place for such things, and in my opinion, they do more for the mental health and welfare of the troops than any number of “scheduled pre-planned enjoyment sessions” that the leadership can think up.

And lastly, as far as the claim that you were proud to serve without complaining. I’m going to have to call bull on that. You expect me to believe that you went through twenty years of service, during a war, and never had a reason to complain once? I’m sorry anyone who says that is either a very bad liar, dangerously insane, or was a trooper in the elite 397th Ice Cream Social & Hooker Regiment.

In summery, I’m glad I served. And I’m grateful that you served. But I think you might not have as much cause to be overbearingly proud as you seem to be.

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