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Archive for the ‘Skippy’s Silly Stories’ Category

Losing Face

Wednesday, May 9th, 2012

As I left the convenience store there was a woman behind me carrying a large pile of snacks and drinks.  Being the nice person that I am, I held the door for her.

She stopped partway through and gave me what I can only describe as “A look.”

“What do you think you’re doing?” she demanded.

“Um, what?” I replied, as a master of the retort, as my brain scrambled to figure out why this lady was suddenly angry with me.

“What are you doing?  I don’t need your sexist condensation!”

Ooooooh!  That’s why she’s mad.

“I don’t think holding a door is sexist.”

“Well it is! I don’t need a man to hold the door for me!”

“I’m not holding it because you’re a woman.  I’m holding it because your arms are full.”

“I DON’T NEED A MAN TO HOLD THE DOOR FOR ME!”

“Have it your way.”

I considered telling her to move, but I’m sure she didn’t need a man to tell her what happens when you stand in  a rapidly closing heavy glass door with no way to use your hands.

 

I Do Not Think it Says What You Think it Says

Monday, August 15th, 2011

In the late 90′s I got to take part in what at the time was the latest military escapade in Eastern Europe, the KFOR peacekeeping mission to Kosovo. My elements from my detachment went in the first wave, and I personally crossed the border within the first few days.

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The Battalion Dance

Friday, November 19th, 2010

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

Both of these events are part of the same story.
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Further Adventures With Pregnancy

Monday, October 5th, 2009

At the present my wife is large enough that walking around a store is very uncomfortable for her. And so when we go shopping, we usually get a wheelchair for her. It saves her the hassle of walking, and I can roll her around a lot faster than she can waddle on her own anyways.

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Adventures With Pregnancy

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Lately I have been spending most of my nights on the couch. Not because I have done something to anger my wife or anything. But because of one of the less pleasant changes that her body has gone through due to our impending parenthood.

She has started to snore.

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Pop Rocks and Coke

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

To say that I have a talent for languages would be like saying that the Hindenburg was fireproof.

Yes this get’s to Pop Rocks and Coke. It just takes a little bit, please bear with me.

Being raised Jewish, I attended Hebrew School from Kindergarten to the Seventh grade. That whole time I was given classes in how to speak Hebrew. I managed to get to the point where I could memorize the sounds enough to get through my Bar-Mitzvah. In Middle School, and again in High School I attended French language classes. I managed to learn to conjugate verbs, but that was about it. When I briefly attended college before joining the military, I took French classes. I managed to pass the first level, but couldn’t advance any farther than that, despite multiple attempts.

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Hey! I can put up stuff I wrote ages ago, and it’s new to you guys!

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

Several years ago I was a student at SMU, in the Dallas area. In fact, if you go to the home page of my site, you can see an ad for my old school.

So while I was there, I would occasionally read the student paper. And one day, upon reading the school paper, I found the following opinion piece.

A Warning Has Been Issued.

For those that don’t want to read it, in a nutshell it states: “The bible should be interpreted literally, and anyone who attempts to interpret it is going to hell for disagreeing with me.”

Also as per school policy, the article had a picture of her with it. She was not wearing a hat. This is significant later.

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Most Popular Story Suggestion

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

The Winner is Lord Enigma who suggested list item 198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.

At first I wasn’t sure if I should tell this story here.  I’ve always had a policy of not telling telling any stories that could easily be traced back to people who might reasonably still be in service.  And I definitely don’t want to tell any stories that might implicate someone in some sort of extra-legal shenanigans. (Which is, coincidentally, why many of the submitted stories don’t go up on the site.  I don’t care how funny you think the felony assault turned out. I don’t want to get involved.)

But I did promise that I would tell the whichever story got the most votes.  And this one was the clear winner.

So here it goes.  In Script Format.

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Of Mice and Men

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

Many years ago, I got to spend about six months living in tents in the Kosovo region.  Now, there are many many reasons why living in a large communal tent for six months isn’t much fun.  And one of the more annoying reasons is vermin.

See, our camp was located in what used to be a great big field.  And in the great big field there lived a great many mice.  Resourceful mice, with a taste for MRE’s, and a rather impressive set of rappelling gear, based on the places that they were able to get into.

At one point we had some candy stuck an large decorative tin can, on top of a television, on top of a plastic storage bin.  So this is a good four feet off of the ground, with every surface made of smooth plastic or metal.  And mice still got in.  I figure they were lowering themselves down from the roof, with some elaborate pulley system, like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible.

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The Pants Are Not Optional

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

More years ago than I like to admit I was stationed in Sarajevo, Bosnia. While I was there we lived in what had originally been some sort of office building, but had now been converted into a barracks.
Overall as housing during a deployment goes we had it pretty good. There was a cafeteria built into the building, which meant that we got hot food served to us three times a day. We had heat and AC. There was a television room with a VCR, pool tables, and it even had a bar.  It sure beat the hell out of living in a tent.

Of course, this place did have the occasional water problems, which have been discussed earlier.  One of the other problems was that there was generally enough hot water for maybe three people to take a shower in the morning.  Which meant that you got to take a lot of cold showers.

Now at this time people who haven’t been in the military are probably going “No hot water?  That sucks!”.  People who have been in the military, especially those who have been deployed to the Middle East over the past several years are probably going: “You had a bar and you are complaining about the water?  You can just fuck right off Skippy.”

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