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Archive for the ‘Skippy is going to hell’ Category

Horrible Things In My Head

Friday, August 13th, 2010

So I’ve spent a bit more time than I should be comfortable admitting to thinking about the sex lives of children’s performers lately.

Lately my children have developed enough to start forming their own opinions on entertainment. So now my wife and I have started doing some experimentation with different things to see what they like. So our house is currently coated in a thin layer of toys and books. And we even tried out some children’s TV programs.

After viewing a few different shows, we discovered that the kids really seem to enjoy The Wiggles.  For those of you who don’t have small children, this is a musical group that consist of four improbably cheerful Australian men.  They do all of these ridiculously catchy, and somewhat educational songs.  If you watch an episode, you will wind up with a tune or two floating around your brain for the rest of the night.  As children’s shows go, this one isn’t too bad.  At least my kids didn’t fixate on Thomas the Train, or Blue’s Clues, both of which are just painful to witness.

So my wife and I find ourselves inadvertently to be fans of this musical group from Down Under.  It struck me as prudent to look up information about these guys since my kids were so into them, and I discovered that they actually do worldwide tours fairly regularly.  Incredibly lucrative tours that frequently sell out.  These guys are rock stars for the pre-schoolers.

And so I began to think on this.  When I was younger, I inadvertently learned one odd quirk about how the human female mind works.  The part of women’s brains that go, “Aww that guy is good with kids. I find that sweet.”  is evidently right next to the part that goes “I am going to bonk the hell out of that guy”.  From a purely biological standpoint this makes sense I guess.  I figure the internal logic is something along the lines: “Hey that guy can handle kids well.  I should totally let him do things to me that may result in some of those.”

So the Wiggles go on these tours, where hordes of parents, usually youngish women show up.  Women whose sex lives have probably taken a turn for the worse lately since they now have young children.  And they see that these guys not only have the near superpower of being awesome with kids, they are also in a band.

Human nature being what it is, I am pretty sure that this group is pretty much swimming in groupies.  I’m talking Elvis at his prime  levels of groupiedom.  It’s like the Wiggles are a Pakistani coastal village, and there is a Tsunami made up of horny MILFs about to wash over  them.

Most men would actually have trouble conceiving of the kind of action that these blokes have tossed their way on a regular basis.  These guys are probably fielding so many proposals that things that would seem like the wildest of fantasies to you and me are just boring and pedestrian to them.

Horny Fan:  “Anthony Wiggle! Me and my two hot friends want to come to your hotel room and take turns with you all day!”

Anthony Wiggles: “Okay, but what’s in it for me?”

Horny Fan: “But…We thought…we’d kind of hoped…that  you’d be excited about this…”

Anthony Wiggles: “Look lady, I can see how for you, a Menage a Quatre with one of the Wiggles is the wildest thing you have ever tried.  But for me it’s just…Tuesday afternoon.”

These guys have probably already gotten bored with the sort of freaky sexual escapades the rest of us have only dreamed of.  Hell, to get them interested now, someone would probably have to go pretty darned far out of what most people would consider their comfort zone.

Like all children’s performers, occasionally they have kids up on the stage singing and dancing with them.  And I am pretty sure that the Wiggles extract a freakish sexual price from the mothers that want their kids in the spotlight.

Show Mom:  “So…I wear this outfit and do whatever Jeffy wants, and my little Melissa get’s to sing on stage?”

Seedy Stage Manager: “That’s the deal lady.”

Show Mom:”But… this outfit is just a bridle and a butt-plug with a horse tail on it.”

Seedy Stage Manager: “Jeffy Wiggles likes ponies. What’s the problem?”

Show Mom: “Well I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with this.”

Seedy Stage Manager: “Look lady, do you want your daughter to sing the Self Esteem song or not?”

It’s Wrong In My Brain

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

I caught a commercial for Charlie St. Cloud today. There’s a line they keep saying in every preview and trailer that airs for this particular film. The male lead makes his best “I’m deep and sensitive” face and says, “Every night, I play catch with my dead brother.”

And the viewer is supposed to go, “Awww….his brother is like an analogy for his inability to let go of his past. If only some woman could help fix his soul and make everything better.” Or they might intend for the viewer to go “Awww….he loves his dead brother so much that he is still in contact with him from beyond the grave….and he still plays catch with him…that is so sweet. If only some woman could help fix his soul and make everything better.”

What they quite probably did not intend is where my brain took this. “Awwww…. he dug up his brother’s corpse, and presumably stores in in a big jar of formaldehyde. And every evening he takes it out to the back yard and hurls it around for a while. If only some woman could…you know what? Never mind. Do not try to fix this guy, just back away slowly. And for Christ’s sake don’t go out on the water with him on your boat.”

Hate Male Part 2

Friday, June 18th, 2010

Well the results of the poll are in.

It looks like less than 3% of the readers here wanted me to take the high road. Evidently I do not attract the high road sort. That probably says something unpleasant about me.


Hate Male

Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

I just returned home after a long trip out of town to find the following email waiting for me.

Note: Hate Mail is not safe for work. Unless you work for a gay porn company featuring Marines.


Maybe I’m A Bad Person

Friday, May 21st, 2010

For a while the following message has been floating around Facebook.

While you SCREAM at your woman, there’s a man wishing he could talk softly to her ear. While you HUMILIATE, OFFEND & INSULT her, there’s a man flirting with her & reminding her how wonderful she is. While you HURT your woman, there’s a man wishing he could make love to her. While you make your women CRY there’s a man stealing smiles from her.

News Story

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010

I have a news story that I feel I need to bring to your attention. A 74 year old Canadian woman was recently extradited to the US to face a 30 year old marijuana charge.


This Means I’m Either Awesome, Or An Asshole*

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

So last week I received an informative email**. The kind of informative email that has been forwarded somewhere around a billion times, contains really big font, and contains almost nothing but lies.

You all know it. Everybody has one or two relatives, or workmates who send you this sort of thing. Well thanks to my website, my address appears in a great many folk’s email applications. And so I get dump-loads of helpful emails on a simply staggering variety of subjects.


I Should Work For A TV Network

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

I’ve had some ideas for reality television shows.

It has been pointed out that my ideas are more “elaborate and dangerous practical jokes on innocent people” than television shows. But on the other hand shows like Joe Millionaire and WB’s Superstar USA, and   Scare Tactics seem to indicate that elaborate and dangerous practical jokes are a valid entertainment choice.

My first idea is called “The Haunted Manor”.  A group of standard attention-whore reality show fodder are placed in an actual haunted house.  Last one to quit wins a fabulous and expensive prize.

Naturally the house isn’t actually haunted.  But it will be built, and controlled by a high end special effects studio.  All of the background, history and so on will be elaborately faked.  Given enough lead in time, and enough of a budget a fake special program about haunting could be produced, for the express purpose of convincing people that the house is a real place, with a long documented history.

Once the contestants are inside, it’s just a matter of screwing with them until they start snapping.


Too Far?

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

So the Pope has stated that he thinks that condoms do nothing to prevent the spread of AIDS.

I think he may have falsely arrived at this conclusion due to the fact that 9 year old boys are typically not a high risk for infection.

A Brief History Lesson

Monday, February 16th, 2009

I like history. I’m nowhere near a history buff, but it interests me enough that I take classes in it when I have the opportunity to do so. Anyways, with the recent global political climate, I thought it’d be appropriate to retell a story my professor related to us. It’s pretty easy to take this particular event and apply it to what’s happening today, so yay cyclical history. Forgive me in advance if I don’t have specific names or dates but I do not have a perfect memory.