This time the list comes courtesy of Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children.  Which is probably the only time in your life you will see the word courtesy used in the same sentence as a reference to the USMC.

(Submitted by Dale Fox)

• I am not authorized to make a superhero costume out of garbage bags, duct tape, m-16 mags and a poncho liner and then chase down and tackle another company’s radio man during a FINEX.

• I am not allowed to cut my old cammies into a “combat thong” and run through the other platoons squad bay during a briefing

• It is also not OK to shake my money maker for the company gunny in the same thong

• I am not allowed to fling my own poo at those who throw skittles at me while I’m using a slit trench

• It is not OK to chok the company gunny’s tires just to see what happens

• I am not authorized to ambush the chow truck

• I am not allowed to defecate on the furniture of suspected insurgents to “send them a warning”

• I am not authorized to set off 55 pounds of UXO near the battalion FOB just to show that they don’t check the grids I give them

• My humvee is not a “stunt car”

• I am not authorized to paint 24 inch tall skulls on all the doors of my MAP team’s vehicles

• The phrase “nega hachi chachi” is not the correct response when your CO asks if you “see anything”

• “I’m rockin’ ” is not a proper response to the question “how are you doing” during my XO’s barracks inspection

• It is not OK to call “controlled det” on the radio after the fact

• Sporks in the hair are not acceptable ways to mark EPWs

• “Wag bag” is not the proper title of the SgtMaj, even if he is one

• It is not ok to fire warning shots at the Battalion commander’s convoy when they do not recognize our right of way

• I am not allowed to sink a case of chow mein MREs in the Euphrates and then leave a treasure map

• Semper gumby (always flexible) is not the proper response to officers giving me orders to undo what they told me to do in the first place

• I am not authorized to tip government vehicles on their sides during training to create a road block

• Humvees are not authorized to go on beer runs, especially not to a drive thru

• I am not authorized to practice my WWF moves on Iraqis

• I am not authorized to pillage due to my Viking roots

• Playing Pantera over loudspeakers after a firefight is not Psyops

• Our patrol is not a bunch of MAMs sabotaging the power station (even though battalion told the tanks we were)

• It is not OK to disregard the smallcraft instructors and go over the side “with style”

• Going to Big Muj island is not to be referred to as going on a 3 hours tour

• I am not authorized to publicly display my picks of who would play members of my chain of command in a movie

• Farting into the radio handset is not a proper response, even if you do say “over” after you do it

Hooray for long weekends.  Now that we all have to go back to work on Tuesday, that makes it the new Monday, and so here’s the Monday morning “do not do list.”

This morning we have things that cannot be done while working for the Parks Department.

(Submitted by Ben Stewart)

1. I am not allowed to answer my phone while on the job

2. Even if it is the boss who is calling me

3. I am not allowed to edge a sidewalk from a moving vehicle, regardless of how good of a job I did

4. I am not allowed to kill ground squirrels near little kids

5. I am not allowed to make a shrine to the ground squirrel gods

6. Even if the city’s anti discrimination policy specifically mention religion

7. I am not allowed to point out every overweight women to my boss and say “wouldn’t you like to see her all sweaty?”

8. I am not allowed to bring fireworks to work
9. I am not allowed to throw little kids in the pond
10. Even if they did steal my trash grabber tongs
11. Not allowed to make up a gang name to cross out a real gang’s grafiti with
12. Not allowed to make spears out of the city’s tool’s to use for groundsquirrel hunting
13. Not allowed to use the excuse “It’s okay I work for the city” when not working to get free drinks at the softball fields
13. Not allowed to the excuse “Its okay I work for the city” when I drive non-road legal vehicles to go get tools from the hardware store
14. Not allowed to use the excuse “It’s okay, I work for the city” ever again
15. Not allowed to tell random women on the street that my coworkers would like to go on a date with them
16. Not allowed to give my coworkers’ names and numbers to butch looking softball players
17. Not allowed to look at the boss’ daughter
18. Not allowed to put broken glass on top of the bathrooms to keep people from climbing on them
19. Not allowed to go swimming in the pond
20. Even if it is to save a duck that has fishing string wrapped around its leg

Blah blah it’s Monday, blah blah, new list, blah generic smart-assed comment.

(Submitted by Chooses to Remain Nameless)

The “PHARMACY LIST”

1) When making a service call, I may not refer to the Un-interruptible Power Source as the “Zed-PM.” It confuses the tech support staff.

2) I also can’t call it the “Power Battery.”

3) Even though we ARE haunted (I just can’t prove it), I am not authorized to contract with local psychics to exorcise our computer-haunting ghost(s)…

4) When there is talk of “trouble-shooting” some equipment, it does NOT involve 9mm, or any live ammo for that matter.

5) Talking to the computers will not make them go faster.

6) Beating on them only makes them go faster sometimes.

7) Even if you’re using something dull like a counting spatula, playing that “game” where you spread your hand and try to stab the table in between your fingers? It still hurts if you miss….

8) I may not play “frisbee” with the dozens of leftover birth control compacts from the Health Department’s stock (they usually give out a year’s supply at a time, and patients don’t want all 12 compacts)

9) If a printer is scheduled to be replaced, I may not take it home with me the night before and use it for target-practice.

10) I may not swear in Chinese (even made-up Chinese) when faced with a stressful situation.

11) Doing the Ric Flair strut and yelling “WOOOOO!” after fixing an insurance rejection may only be done sparingly!

12) “Tuning up the band” (See Shawn Michaels, the WWE Wrestler) BEFORE fixing an insurance rejection - ditto.

13) When someone says “I have a strange question”, the answer “That’s OK, I’m a strange PERSON!” is best reserved for people you know.

14) Even if I DO hear sirens in the distance, I may not rip open my shirt Superman-style and jump out the drive-thru window to save the day.

15) A bonfire out back is NOT an acceptable way to destroy old pharmacy records.

16) I may not use “dry ice” to chill my drinks, especially when I’m at Drop-Off waiting on a customer!

17) I may not play “lazer tag” with the telexon unit.

18) I MAY use the telexon to practice proper trigger-finger placement, but it annoys my coworkers when I do so while humming the James Bond theme.

19) I may not roll heavy boxes of labels from the storage area, downstairs to the stockroom, when the stairs have OTHER things on them.

20) …Even if I yell “PLINKO!” when I do it.

21) I may not follow the lead of Dr. Hawkeye Pierce and drink my beverage of choice from the graduated cylinders.

22) When mixing 2 ointments into a compound, I may NOT borrow my boss’ electric mixer he uses on his protein shakes.

23) I am NOT Doctor Cox…

24) I may not refer to the new hires as “newbie,” “Barbie,” or other nicknames.

25) New hires are not “fresh meat”.

26) “Abandon all hope ye who enter” is NOT an acceptable way to greet staff coming in for a new shift.

27) Neither is “run while you can!”.

28) Even though we REALLY want new flat-screen monitors, I may not gain access to the roof and “accidentally” drop all of the old monitors off of there….

29) Grunting “over there” and pointing in the general direction of a shelf with 200 different bottles on it is NOT a helpful enough answer when a new tech asks me where a medicine is located.

30) In the event of a catastrophic plumbing emergency like a large water pipe bursting, humming the “Mario Brothers” theme while trying to find a red or green cap should NOT be my first priority.

31) Carrying a samurai sword on your back and threatening to invoke Islamic law (IE, chop someone’s hands off) is not the most politically-correct way to deter shoplifting.

32) When a helium balloon gets loose and is stuck on the ceiling, there are better ways of dealing with it than trying to pop it by “shooting” the cap of an oral syringe at it.

33) Goose-stepping, doing the Nazi salute, and ranting in faux German is not an appropriate way to try to explain how “Loss Prevention” works, when newbies ask.

34) ESPECIALLY when LP due for a visit at any moment…

35) I may not answer the doctor’s line by pretending to chew a carrot and saying, “Ehhhh…what’s up, Doc?”

36) Or by breaking out into Bugs Bunny’s “What’s up Doc?” song.

37) I may not jury rig a cell phone jammer and deploy it in the store (ESPECIALLY at the drive-thru). Because SOMEONE’S gonna be the first person the FCC brings charges against for doing it…

38) Large chef’s hats are not in the dress code - even if I only wear it when I’m adding FlavoRx to a medicine.

39) I may not falsely claim Scottish ancestry in order to get away with wearing a kilt at work.

40) If handed a bill I suspect is counterfeit, I need to use the currency-checking pen on it. NOT pretend to examine it by going over it with my electronic Sonic Screwdriver toy.

After a brief hiatus we’ve got more military items again.

(Submitted by Andrew)

• I am not “God and King” over the base networks Electrocons and will not wage war on the Protocons
• The computers are not spying on the junior enlisted
• The computers are not spying on the senior enlisted
• The computers are not spying on the officers
• Computers of and in themselves are not capable of spying at all
• Will not use Photoshop to enlarge a SNCO’s head
• Will not email above picture to all lower enlisted on base with the subject “Real photo of <name omitted>’s Ego”
• Will not rename the SIPR as SIPpy so the officers will feel “More at home”
• Will not use official government computers, spare parts, tools and parking lots to build a battle robot
• *Will not use above battle robot to “enforce parking regulations” on other branches of the service
• *Will not attach a fully loaded M16A2 to above battle robot to “make it more imposing”
• Will not use forklifts to “re-park” unauthorized vehicles
• Will not use government assets to build a “beer trebuchet” even if it is really cool to fling a can of beer over 200 yards
• Will not feed the badgers left over meat from the barbeques
• Will not post fake warning signs on government devices
• Will not use above beer trebuchet to fling bottled sodas
• Will not play “CD Frisbee” between the 3rd floors of separate buildings
• Will not write my ex-wife’s name on weapons qualification targets
• Will not bring my own “M16A2″ for weapons qualification
• Will not use government assets to build a “fully functioning scale model of a WWI gatling gun”
• Will not test the “armor capabilities” of occupied vehicles with scale model WWI gatling gun.
• Will not test the “armor capabilities” of unoccupied vehicles with scale model WWI gatling gun.
• Will not use the Howitzer as a drum, ever if it has “great acoustics”
• Will always check direction of fire from T-Shirt cannon to ensure it does not fire a baseball through the Base CO’s closed window.
• Will not smile and shakes everyone’s hand thanking them profusely for demoting me a rank after scale model of WWI gatling gun incident
• Will not tell the psyc evaluator “I’m loony as Canadian money”
• Will not build my own bunker with flood sand bags and declare all land in it as ceded from the union and shall now be called Blargistan
• Will not use Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes as my name on official forms

It’s that time again, when I print a list of things that someone has learned that they are not supposed to do.

Here’s my list of stuff I’m not allowed to do while working for a summer youth program (SYP) at a large university (to remain nameless). The class I teach is mountaineering and orienteering. If you post this, please include only my first name, no last name or email address.

So no last name or email is included, so that he will now blend in with the hundreds of other SYP rock climbing instructors.

Things Dan Can’t Do While Climbing With SYP Students

1. Throw students off cliffs

2 Even if they are tied off

3 Even if they are tied off and want to try it

4 Bring a banjo to play during the out door climbing session….it makes the city kids nervous.

5 When the instructor in charge (IIC) says to bring all my usual climbing gear, that does not included my .44 magnum, a playboy and 3 cans of dip….its scares the city kids.

6 Tie the students into the belay line with a hangman’s noose….

7 Even if I promise to tie the noose through the harness and not around their necks

8 Even if the noose is a stronger knot than the figure 8

9 When the IIC gives permission to ride my motorcycle to the climb instead of in the vans with the students that does not imply that I get to ride lead, motorcade style….

10 Especially if I plan to get to the lead position by passing the vans at over 100 miles per hour….in a wheelie.

11 Throwing large pebbles off the cliff is not an acceptable way of enforcing the no P.D.A. rule….especially if the offender is the IIC and his significant other.

12 The IIC’s admonishment to “Be sure to rig strong anchors” does not imply the need to rig 150′ of tubular nylon on a single anchor point.

13 When the IIC requests you to “tie off” a particularly clumsy student, 15′ feet of tubular nylon, a pair of locking ‘biners and a rock bolt anchor is sufficient….no need to “Spiderman” the student to a tree with 50′ of tubular webbing….

14 Even if it is “for their own good”.

15 Its considered “unsportsmanlike” to occasionally add rocks to other instructors packs through out the day….even if it’s funny to see the look on their faces when their pack that started at 20lbs, weighs 45lbs at the end of the day.

16 If an idea makes me giggle for more than 5 seconds, consider it banned.

17 If an idea makes me smile, think it through again before trying it.

18 Replacing the standard climber/belaying communication phrases with other phrases containing double meanings is not allowed.

19 When instructed to “keep it PG”, that does not mean I go surf the web for the dirtiest PG movie ever and then watch it to see what I can get way with.

20 Its not funny to place small rare earth magnets under the IIC’c compass and inside his GPS battery compartment in order to make him look like a jackass.

21 Just ’cause the IIC made me hump the 5 gallon water cooler around, as a form of punishment, does not mean I get to call myself “the water bitch”.

22 Its considered impolite to challenge the IIC to an uphill race while I’m humping the water cooler….especially if I beat him.

Here it is, the now traditional list of things that you should not do. This one is medically themed. And by the way, if any readers happen to have any items for the do not do list, either military or other, by all means send them in.

Things you should not do in a medical office.

(Submitted by Sicarius)

1. When filing charts, don’t exclaim to the rest of the department, “Who wants to play dead patient bingo?”

2. Don’t play dead patient bingo. It violates HIPPA laws.

3. Especially when patients can hear you.

4. Don’t threaten to bring everyone in the office an individual dessert (I love to bake, don’t judge me.) when they all go on Weight Watchers and then start a ‘who can lose the most weight’ competition. (I’m the only male in the office aside from the doctors, and in good shape. I need no contest.)
5. Don’t follow through on that threat.
6. Don’t remove the balls from the mice of people who are at lunch. It makes them late when they try to punch back in.
7. Don’t threaten to poison the water cooler when the people whose mouse balls you stole find your car keys, move your car to the hospital across the street’s parking lot, and then turn your radio up to full blast.
8. Don’t pick up a frog that’s found its way into the office and show it to the people who are afraid of frogs.
9. Don’t complain when people find out you’re afraid of spiders and put a live one in your hair. The horror.
10. During office emergency training, don’t answer with “By way of the evil light shining from Doctor X’s eyes” as an answer to “How do we escort patients places if the power and the backup generator go out?”. For the office manager will have to reprimand me.
11. No matter this particular doctor has made every secretary and half of the receptionists cry because he’s so cruel.
12. Especially when the doctor is at the meeting.
13. Even if the office manager made the same joke a few days before.
14. Don’t answer “Because the entire office is PMSing today” when someone asks why you’re going to the basement if there’s no work to be done down there today.
14. “What the fuck?” is never an appropriate answer to any question.
15. Even if it was in response to a co-worker seriously asking if you were listening to white power music. (It was Nine Inch Nails.)
16. It is not appropriate to draw pictures of penises on your lunch in the office refrigerator instead of writing your name.

This time we have a list of things that should not be done if you work for an anti-drug non-profit organization. The original author asked not to be credited, as she would like to still work for the anti-drug non-profit organization.

(Submitted by I.M. Employed)
1. When working for an anti-drug association, refrain from making “Cheech and Chong” references.
2. When working for the above, don’t “Talk shop” with those seeking help.
3. Refrain from judging people by “where they get their shit”.
4. Do not give people “better guys” to get “shit” from.
5. Do not refer to the “War on Drugs” as “Vietnam for Society at large”
6. When viewing a slideshow about drug references in media, do not say “That movie’s fucking awesome!”
7. Especially when they show the “bat country” monologue from Fear and Loathing.
8. No matter how you supervisor may act, do not make allusions to the fact that they may be the only person in America who would benefit drug and alcohol use.
9. When hearing a presentation about the state of the drug trade in the United States, try to avoid “correcting” the nomenclature used for street drugs (i.e., “No one calls it “dope” anymore!”).
10. Refrain from mentioning that your friends find your work “ironic” given your past.
11. Attempt to not discuss favorite drinks and new concoctions with your superiors.
12. Especially if they mention they’re in recovery.
13. If one of your superiors is a “stage parent”, do not mention that many child stars fall into substance abuse and ill ends.
14. Even if it is apparent that the kid is pretty much doomed to Dana Plato territory.
15. Never under any circumstances mention that your superiors “drive you to drink”.
16. Especially if the Alcohol Board of Control is in town.
17. When viewing a Powepoint presentation on drug references in the media, avoid laughing at the drug and alcohol jokes when the room is full of drug counselors who will sooner be shocked than funny.
18. If they show Dazed and Confused, Half Baked, Superbad, or Beerfest, just leave the room. Despite how strong you think you are, you will not last.
19. When discussing music with co-workers, never talk about how “Dark Side of the Moon *totally* synchs up with Wizard of Oz”, or how “The Wall movie totally changed my worldview”.
20. Y’know what, just follow the guidelines that Robin Williams gets in “Good Morning Vietnam” from Lt. Haupt regarding musical tastes.
21. Never offer tired-looking co-workers “hair of the dog that bit ‘em’ ” on Monday mornings. It just looks bad for everyone involved.
22. “OSHA would have a field day with what I know about this building” is not a good bargaining chip in any circumstance.
23. Especially when your supervisor is on a first-name basis with the people at OSHA.
24. Try to avoid mentioning that your superior might just remind you of a certain character from Rain Man, no matter how compulsively they may repeat some of the same words, over and over again.
25. Never mention that you own any, and especially not all, of the movies mentioned in number 18.
26. Don’t talk about how much you, your cousins, uncles, aunts, siblings, parents and friends are able to drink in a single sitting without passing out; especially if the aforementioned are all together, with what can only be described as an “alcohol topiary”.
27. Taking naps when you’re four years old is okay; taking naps at work on your lunch break will get a piss cup handed to you.
28. Being the only person in the office who knows how to work the big screen in the conference room will bite you in the ass when you come back from lunch and leave “The Marijuanalogues” on.
29. When working for an anti-drug organization, your thoughts on drug legalization are moot.
30. If you are tired and someone offers you a cup of coffee, the proper response is “Yes, please”, not “Put it in my veins!!”, “Can I just snort the grounds?” or any references to a “caffeine speedball”.
30. Cigarettes are apparently a drug, regardless of legality. Therefore “I was nic-fitting like crazy” is no excuse to leave work for a “cancer run”.
31. Incidentally, if a co-worker has a family member they’ve lost or who has recovered from some form of cancer, calling it a “cancer run” will not win you any favors.
32. If a co-worker levels baseless and just untrue accusations against another co-worker who isn’t you, and they really are just ludicrous accusations, you are still not allowed to openly laugh at the concept.