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Archive for the ‘Brick’ Category

Walk It Off

Tuesday, October 7th, 2008

Being deployed for over six months is way too long.  Being deployed for over six months in 130 degree, dry heat with no running water, is fucking criminal and should only happen to murderers and rapists.  And when I say that, I’m talking about people who have committed BOTH murder and rape, not just one or the other.

Having been in these horrendous conditions for so long, you can imagine how excited I was to see rain for the first time.  I look outside, and see that it is raining pretty hard, so I think to myself, “I haven’t had a good shower in a long time”.  So I grab my soap, and I run outside bare-assed and jump up on top of one of my tanks.  The rain is pouring down on me, and I’m soaping up and just loving every minute of this “natural” cleansing process.

I so wish the story ended there.  So I get my entire body all lathered up, and I’m ready to just let the rain hit me and wash it all away.  Instead, right at the moment, the rain stops abruptly.  So here I am, standing on top of my tank, butt-naked with soap all over my body.  I had to jump down off of the tank, walk back into the building, and up to my room in those exact conditions.  I guess this has brought a brand new meaning to the phrase, “Walk of Shame”.

C.Y.A.

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

So over here in Iraq, there are a lot of similarities to a fraternity house.  Our days are pretty much filled with getting buff, getting some work done, and making constant homo-erotic comments.

Well one thing that you learn fast is that you should never look forward to your birthday.  It is filled with nothing but practical jokes, and if you ever fall asleep during your birthday, you can pretty much count on waking up with another man’s penis in your face.

Now, with that said, I had a very unfortunate encounter on my Squadron Commander’s birthday.  Everyone was trying to figure out the best way to truly “get the boss” as it were.  Being the king of mischief as I am, I decided to moon him.  Unoriginal, I know, but a tried and true prank that is always good for a laugh.  So I go up to my Commander’s door, a little nervous, being that he can court martial me, and I knock three times, turn around and wait for him answer.

As soon as I hear the door open, I pull my shorts down, scream out “THAAAAAAAAAAT’S MY BUTT!!!!!!!” and I start to run away.  The problem is, I didn’t pull my shorts up all the way before I start running, and my feet got caught up, causing me to fall flat on my face with my pants down.

As a result, my Commander is laughing his ass off at my follies, clearly not even bothered by the fact that he just got mooned, and I had to go see the medic for a cracked nose and bruised cheek.  I still feel as if I won that round though.

Does that make me stubborn, stupid, or just a Soldier?  You be the judge.

Bee is for Brick

Tuesday, July 8th, 2008

This is SGT Brick. Not only is he an soldier currently on deployment, but he is also a stand-up comedian who has a pretty good act that I managed to catch a few years ago.

Of all the dangers that exist for those of us Soldiers who are currently deployed to Iraq, defending your freedoms which you cherish, yet take for granted, there will always be dangers that I could never even fathom to think existed.

I had such an encounter recently.

My unit is stationed in this super-secret ninja location in the outskirts of Baghdad, where we have no running water and what little electricity we have, we get from a generator that we keep out back. In order to take showers we basically just lather up with a bar of soap and then pour bottles of water over our head.

There are these tubes sticking out of the ground, and those are what we pee into. And there are these steel buckets that we shit into, and then we burn all the excrement at night when the sun goes down. So yeah, living conditions would be classified as “sub-par”.

Recently, I was walking over to the pee-tubes because I had to “do my thing”. I step up, whip out my junk, hold it up to the tube, and before I begin urinating, a BEE comes out of the tube and stings me right on the tip of my “man-business”.

As I’m sure you can all imagine, this really freaked me out, but it gets worse, believe me. For some reason, the good Lord in his infinite wisdom decided that this would be the time and place to inform me that I am allergic to bees, because it swells up to over twice it’s normal size, for all the wrong reasons.

So here I am, in agonizing pain, but still wishing that wasn’t in this combat, all-male environment which was preventing me from showing off my new 15-inch penis to any lady that may cross my path. Although, it was pretty cool to be the “big man on campus” as it were, even if it was only for a day. The medics had to give me a shot and some pills, but in spite of the pain and suffering that it caused, I think I’m gonna carry some honey with when ever I go out on dates from here on out.