181% funded. Woo!
Captain’s Log
Space Date 20120210
The GSC Incautious left the Alpha Centauri system to transport Admiral Taylor to a diplomatic conference of Arachne IV. There were some minor incidents between the diplomats, prostate but my skilled and capable crew were able to smooth them over. Naturally there were casualties.
Casualty Report
CPO Fowler: As it turns out “Nibbled to death by ducks” is not just an idiom.
CPO Buckmaster: Disappeared on a planet of filthy simian humanoids.
Petty Officer Harvey: Found a strange alien puzzle box. Then he opened it.
CPO Maelic001: Radiation suits. They’re not for show people.
CPO James: Attempted to reconfigure the engines for more power. It worked significantly better than anticipated.
CPO: Thomas: Witnesses claim he was eaten by an invisible dinosaur.
CPO Tretter: Arachnid diplomat laid eggs in his brain and frankly, ailment he’s being a bit of a baby about it.
CPO Simpson: Death by Snu-Snu.
CPO Spurlin: Last seen yelling “Hey y’all. Watch this!”
CPO Amelia: Attempted to solve a non-euclidian geometry problem.
CPO Hall: Was found flat, inside of a giant footprint.
CPO Flemming: Was measuring the angular vector of a black hole and, well, he fell in.
CPO Page: Debated ethics with an omnipotent space being, with predictable results.
CPO Trnavsky: You know how there’s that latch to stop your helmet from coming off your hostile environment suit? Well neither did Trnavsky.
CPO Bruce: Contracted an exploding tumor.
CPO Mills: “It’s standing right behind me, isn’t it?”
CPO Furman: It turns out there was something in his closet after all.
CPO JohnB: From now on crewmen will only be allowed into alien lavatories in buddy teams.
CPO Akin: After the 319th vers of “Henry the 8th I am” he committed suicide.
Ensign Pascoe: Tested the new experimental Teleporter Array. Died upon being teleported inside another object.
CPO Allard: Died upon having Ensign Pascoe teleported inside of him.
CPO Hahn: Attempted to repair the exhaust port. Died when some redneck dropped a torpedo down it.
Ensign Zahniser: Poked some slime with a stick.
CPO Foley: Turns out that space station was abandoned for a reason
CPO Downing: Space Cooties
CPO Maghouin: Murdered and eaten by space grammar nazis. In the maintenance room.
CPO Surface: We’re not really sure, but boy was it hard to clean up.
CPO Kidd: Taunted a happy fun ball.
CPO Van Horn: Accidentally damaged the duplicator, and drowned in cream of mushroom soup.
Space Merchant Hendrickson: Brought small furry and perfectly harmless creatures aboard the ship with predictable results.
CPO Payawal: Was sent to see what happened to the last six teams to investigate the alien device. Has not yet reported back.
CPO Strack: Attempted to perform science on an energy being. The energy being was not enthusiastic about this development.
CPO Cruz: Was hoisted on his own Pikkard.
Ensign Wilson: It turns out Remulan doomsday devices are not as easy to defuse as you might think.
CPO Gulick: Visited the planet of beautiful, utopian and totally not suspicious women.
CPO: Carpenter: Crushed by a plummeting whale.
CPO Viar: It turns out the air on that planet wasn’t breathable after all.
CPO Odean: Sold to a crime lord to cover a gambling debt. My bad.
CPO Expendable: Really? Do I even have to explain what happened to this guy?
Commander Berezansky: Died at the hands of a previously unknown alien species. More details will be available as soon as his records tell us what they are.
CPO Ferry: Disintegrated by what appeared to be a salt shaker with a toilet plunger glued on.
CPO Shelky: Fell into a chocolate river, and then fell into the filter.
CPO Collard: The ship’s computer turned evil. Again.
Space Merchant Grimzag: Sometimes the shiny jewels are eggs. Just saying.
CPO Lovejoy: Was two days from retirement, with predictable results.
CPO Hanna: Went up against a Sicilian when death was on the line.
CPO Brown: Tragic goldfish incident. We don’t like to talk about it.
CPO Lynch: Some rocks can explode. You know because of science and stuff.
CPO Markosky: Murdered by some guy with a machete and a hockey mask, and who had no reason to be in space.
Space Merchant Twitchell: Was yanked screaming into an air duct in an incident that we are almost positive as not related to the previous two air duct deaths.
CPO Biernesser: The enertia dampener didn’t.
CPO Fabbi: Was accidentally sent to the dark mirror universe. It’s okay we like evil Fabbi better.
Petty Officer Kelbaugh: Some aliens trapped him in a crystal for no suitable explained reason.
Crewman Plunkett: The mission to deactivate the smash-bot 3000 did not go as anticipated.
Assume all subsequent crew died from falling rocks. I’m tired.
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