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A Conversation For Sunday Morning.

May 18th, 2011 by skippy

*Ding Dong*

Hello Sir? My name is Skippy. I couldn’t help but notice that you are still here, despite the fact that the rapture was supposed to be yesterday. Yes sir. Yes. I understand how you might find it comforting to believe that a guy who incorrectly predicted the Apocalypse previously and in direct defiance of stated biblical position might be wrong. But Mr. Harold Camping has assured us that he was correct this time, and he used math and everything. Why no sir. I am not at all here to make fun of you for falling prey to the ravings of a mad man. Nothing could be further from the truth.

You see, I know that he was right. Completely and totally.

Well that is a valid question sir. After all, given that the rapture occurred a little under twenty-four hours ago it would stand to reason that a fine upstanding gentleman such as yourself, not to mention your lovely family, should have been whisked away to paradise. Unless, and I hesitate to put it this way sir please do not think of me as rude, but unless, well, you haven’t been quite as virtuous as you would like to have believed.

I know sir, and I apologize. I assure you, I am not judging you, the Bible has made it quite clear that is not my prerogative. There is but one judge, and well…it seems he has rendered a verdict.

Yes sir, I believe that you have done many charitable deeds. I understand that you have spent time in Church, and worked to spread the gospel. Unfortunately, the Bible is quite clear that these are not sufficient conduct for the celestial VIP section. I beg your pardon? Oh fine, that’s Matt 7:21, 7:22, and 7:23. What do you mean you’re not familiar with that part? Isn’t that rather like complaining that your car didn’t work when you never even bothered to try reading the manual? Of course sir, we’re all busy, but that’s between you and your maker I’m afraid.

Well yes I can see how a priest or two along the way might have given you another idea. But let’s go back to my car manual analogy. If a man told me he was a car expert, and as a car expert he felt that my used KIA mini-van was able to launch Marine Corps style amphibious landings, I might just feel the urge to consult the manual for a bit before I tried to drive it off an aircraft carrier. And we are not talking about a mini-van here, we are talking about eternal salvation. Which is frankly more important even if it is a very nice mini-van.

Well gosh, I don’t know what else you should have been doing. I mean, it’s not like you acted, or even felt in your heart that your faith and special place in the universe as one of God’s followers made you superior to any of your fellow men right? Because that would be- oh. I see. Well yes I can see how that’s an easy trap to fall into. But unfortunately “What you do to these, the least of my creatures, you do to Me.” was spelled out quite clearly.

Had you considered, at any point previous to now, just living your life in a way to be the best person possible to each and every individual you met regardless of their circumstances? I mean, that described in detail as well. In the red letter parts in fact. Perhaps the problem was that only those who were great in their faith got to ascend to Heaven. People who treated faith as a guide to all of their behavior, knowing full well that they had almost no chance of getting it right but trying anyways. Instead of just a series of boxes to be checked off. Perhaps you were simply too meek in your faith.

Yes sir, I know that Psalms says that the meek shall inherit the earth. But under the circumstances perhaps you can appreciate the fact that this wasn’t a promise, so much as a warning. You have inherited the earth, but you don’t seem too pleased by it.

I don’t mind the question at all sir. In fact i am glad that you asked. I know all of this because I am a representative of the local Satanic commune. Yes sir. Yep, you guys were right in the eighties after all. We were hiding out in every town in America. Any-hoo, I’ve been assigned to your family for the Tribulation. You know the period of strife, terror and pain following the Rapture. I just figured it would be polite to introduce myself and see if there was any way that I could ensure that you have the best Tribulation experience possible. So are there any cherished family pets that would render you horrified to see dismembered? Perhaps you have a phobia? Ideally for a locust with the face of a man and a scorpion’s tail because between you and me, we have more of those than we know what to do with.

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22 Responses to “A Conversation For Sunday Morning.”

  1. Michiel Says:

    I think on Sunday the whole world needs to point at these idiots and do a collective Nelson Muntz “Ha Ha.” Seriously, they have been on the news and billboards and driving around telling everyone that Jesus is coming back, and they need to be publicly ridiculed when it doesn’t happen.


    Michiel reply on May 18th, 2011 5:13 pm:

    But, if we can pull a good prank… any ideas?


    Squab reply on May 18th, 2011 5:37 pm:

    I kinda like Skippy’s idea…

    I am Christian, but there is the whole thing in the bible about not even Jesus knowing when his return will be, so how the deuce are we? Personally, I still expect the apocalypse to be related more to nuclear way then anything else.


    snRNP reply on May 19th, 2011 12:34 am:

    Your pointing to the bible to make a point about an article that seems to mock the bible is particularly funny. I suppose that is the way of the bible wielding Christian warrior, to diffuse religious incredulity with bible speak. Jesus is just alright with me.

    Prodigal reply on May 20th, 2011 3:02 pm:

    You might want to reread both Skippy’s post and Squab’s comment a bit more closely than you originally read either…

  2. SPC Hyle Says:

    I’d ask about his daughters, rather than pets. And no dismembering. If he falls for that…


  3. Valerie Says:

    It’s the Beatitudes in the Gospels of Matthew and Mark, not the Psalsms. And the full verse is, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” If inheriting the earth means being stuck for the tribulation, the meek wouldn’t exactly be called blessed, would they?


    Valerie reply on May 18th, 2011 6:06 pm:

    Sorry. That’s Matthew and Luke. Looks like I’m starting my tribulation early with the bronchitis and all.


  4. Joe Says:

    Not my idea, but I’ll pass it along.

    We should get all of the atheists to stay hidden away for 3-4 days.


    Ziggy reply on May 21st, 2011 6:50 am:

    This needs a ‘Like’ button!


    Rick reply on May 30th, 2011 1:59 am:

    I know, right?


  5. Ihmhi Says:

    Skippy, have I told you lately that I love you?


  6. Aaron Says:

    Dr. Who marathon. That should do it for a few days… know anyone in programming at BBC America?


  7. kat Says:

    There have been several articles recently about people who have spent their entire life savings “spreading the word” or have given away all their belongings. I want to know, why couldn’t they come find me? I’d have been happy to take some of that unwanted money off their hands.


    Stonewolf reply on May 19th, 2011 1:20 pm:

    Just think how they’ll feel the day after when the realize not only have they not been raptured, they no longer have any wordly possetions. Weee!


  8. Consumer Unit 5012 Says:

    Sadly, this probably won’t ruin Camping any more than the Great Disappointment ruined William Miller.


  9. Sean Says:

    Not the first to suggest it as a prank, but…let’s leave random outfits on sidewalks, complete with socks and shoes, come Saturday morning. That way, the dumbasses will think they got Kirk Cameron’d and the Rapture happened without them.


  10. Susan Says:

    “The best possible Tribulation experience…” Oh Skip, you are one sick puppy. So’m I, ’cause ROFL.

    Would type more, but cut my left forefinger badly on Monday while doing yard work. Lesson: Kids, don’t let your attention waver while using electric hedge trimmers. So what if a hot guy wearing only wearing *very* brief running shorts & shoes jogs by? Thank goodness I’m righthanded and didn’t cut the fingertip off.

    PS: When I’m World Dictator, hot men will be required to wear shirts when running. Who decides hotness? Well, it’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it…


  11. jmireles Says:

    Win. So full of win. Love the passages. I love it. How many crackpots have to predict the end of the world before people realse that we won’t know it’s coming, and can’t predict it.


  12. Ian M Says:

    My teenage daughter actually raised a rather interesting thought concerning this nonsense.

    Specifically, if ‘The Rapture’ ever did happen, what would happen to people on the International Space Station or on other worlds?

    She looks forward to posing this question to her mildly over-earnest religious studies teacher at school.


  13. Jenn Says:

    Usually when a fellow human acts like a dummy and it seems to be related to something I have in common with them (female, Canadian, etc) I apologize on their behalf. However, I’m a born-again Christian and I just CANNOT bring myself to do so in this case. This is a case of “a bad apple spoils the whole bunch” and so on… I agree with Skippy, and all of the funny posts on this; I really liked the idea of leaving clothes on the sidewalk randomly! The best part is that we get to repeat this insanity in 5 months, because Mr. Should-Really-Get-Eaten-By-A-Bear While-Camping has October as a backup date. *bangs head against wall*


  14. Andrew Says:

    OK… so the current plan is as follows:

    In October, we sneak out and leave complete, weather appropriate, outfits lying in random places.
    The next morning we knock on the “believers” doors and present ourselves as the hidden Satanic Cult who was promised 1000 years of total domination.
    LOLZ out as they panic and try to hide from their own ineptitude.


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