Army Grunt Owns a Child Play Center; Moms Do Not Get His Humor.

March 7th, 2011 by ldaxndr

(Submitted by ldalxndr)
After 10 years in the military as an infantry soldier, I took that experience and did what anyone with my skills would do. I opened a Child Play Center…weird…I know. Still, I love my job and my shop. However, I have found my sense of humor (Army Grunt) is different from most of the moms who are my customers. So, for you few moms and those of you with “grunt” humor, here is a list of things I am no longer allowed to say in my Child Fun Center:

When asked what I do by a cop I cannot answer, “I blow shit up”
When asked, “What are you buying next for the kids” I cannot answer, “Ritalin”
When asked, “Do you know what the worst part about my children is?” I cannot answer, “You can’t return them”
When talking to a father who has a NASCAR shirt on I cannot say, “Let me break this down into something you can understand. In car terms you child is like a flat tire on the last turn of the indy 500. There’s a big problem and I am pretty sure someone is gonna beat him”.
When asked, “What do you think the fastest way to get a child’s attention is?” I cannot respond, “sit down and look comfortable”
When overhearing a LeLuche meeting (breast feeding group) and someone says, “Do you what the most appealing feature is of breast feeding?” I will not interrupt with, “The attractive containers it comes in?”
When asked by a little brat, “Will Santa be here this year?” I will not respond, “Yep, but he told me he doesn’t want to see you”.
When asked by a parent if I know if there any problems with a particular play pen, I will not reply, “Yeah…it only works if you use it upside down”.
When asked by a mom, “Can you help me catch my child?” I will not respond with, “Yeah…let me go get my pepper spray.” And then run off to the back of the shop laughing wildly.
I will not call fathers who come into my shop, “Puff Daddies”
When a 4 year old little girl keeps taking her shirt off I will not tell her, “You must keep your shirt on until you are in college hun…those are the rules here.”
After being told by a very old fashioned woman that working at a child play center is not very dignified work for a “Trained killer” such as myself and that to always remember dress for the job I want, I will not start taking my clothes off and tell her, “Well hell, I have always wanted to work in porn”.
When asked what kind of plants we have hanging from the ceiling I will not respond with “Boston ivy, English ivy and some Cannabis Sativa way up there where the cops can’t see it”.
I will remember that “Bone us” and “Bonus” sound the same. (It’s too long a story to write, but I am sure you can come up with your own joke that is just as funny).
I am not allowed to hand a hammer to someone who says, “I just don’t know what to do with him”.
I am not allowed to spray children with Febreeze
I am not allowed to perform mock exorcisms on bad children…or real exorcisms.
I am not allowed to wear stickers I find at Albertson. Especially if it says, “Take Me Home, I’m Delicious”….nor am I allowed to apply them to my customers
“The worst STD you can catch” is not pregnancy and I am not allowed to tell pregnant women that a little Motrin will clear that swelling right up.
When asked where the party room is by white trash mom and her hoodlum child, I am not allowed to point toward “Pump-it-Up” (my competitor).
There is no such thing as a bouncing baby boy…they just kind of splat
I am not allowed to ask husbands with bitchy wives , “What bet did you lose?”
I am not allowed to tell small children who just grab food off the counter that I am Islamic and now, “By the Law of God, I get to cut off your hand!”
“A little childhood trauma builds character.” Is never the answer.
After a child slips on the tile floor from water he poured on it, I am not allowed to say, “So I guess your vote for the new indoor skating rink is no?”
I am not allowed to hand sales calls to my 2 year old son.
I am not allowed to offer to teach detestable children how to smoke
I should not tell the bitchy office worker to put her child’s photo on her computer and then hand her a few magnets to hold it in place.
When people ask me for a discount before they ask how much it is, I am not allowed to say, “Sure!” and then add $2
I am not allowed to mouth bad words at children….or insults….or threats
Hand sanitizer does not “Keep Satan out”
I am not allowed to offer a child money to kick the crap out of another child
I am not allowed to take pictures of children and their parents and send them to epicfail.com
I am not allowed to tell children I don’t like that hand sanitizer tastes like ice cream
I will not shuffle around in my socks on the carpet and prove to children that I am “THOR, GOD OF THUNDER!”
When asked by women what I would do with their snotty 2 year old brat I will not respond, “Send him to Tailand, business class, and let him make some real money”.
When asked for my vast experience in childhood behavior as to what will help her child calm down, I will not respond “Exorcism”
Children are not Satan’s greatest gift to man
I may not raffle off children whose parents are not watching them
I will not refer to men who come in by themselves with children as having “Feminine Issues”
I will not tell children I don’t like that Santa hates them
I will not trip running children to help explain to Jayde the principles of gravity
I will not answer the shop phone as “Child Protective Services” and when they say they called the wrong number say “No, no, I was calling you”.

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This entry was posted on Monday, March 7th, 2011 at 5:16 pm and is filed under New List. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

GoHskrs Says:
March 7th, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Too funny. I forwarded to my wife, who watches a “little darling” (we call her the Beezelblonde), as more of a list of suggestions … 8^)

SKD Says:
March 7th, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Can I come work with you? I would much rather babysit actual babies than adults with the mental maturation of one.

Susan reply on March 12th, 2011 4:53 am:

Good one! Wonder if we’ve worked at the same companies?

CBob Says:
March 7th, 2011 at 8:34 pm

And once, some woman wasn’t sure if I needed yelling at or laughing at when I used to call my then 4 year old “scheisskopf”. He’s 14 now & I still call him that at times.

Squab reply on March 7th, 2011 11:31 pm:

How the hell do you say that word…

Von Krieger reply on March 8th, 2011 8:48 am:

Shy-za-Cough.

It’s German for Shithead.

steelcobra reply on March 8th, 2011 9:02 pm:

No, you pronounce it shy-(the ss sounds like the end of vise)-cop and tack the ffff sound from fuck on the end.

Ian M Says:
March 7th, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Good stuff.

There are times when I can ALMOST understand why some parents might strangle their children.

And some other times when I think that having and raising children should be license-only.

jmireles reply on March 14th, 2011 7:37 pm:

My thought is, the reason why babies are so damned cute is so that the parents aren’t tempted to strangle the little buggers in their sleep. As for my kids, I’m doing good to keep them from sacrificing each other to who knows what gods…

Adam Says:
March 8th, 2011 at 7:55 am

So then… what ARE you allowed to do?

I’m glad I work at a Boy Scout camp, where parents drop them off and say “He’s your problem now! Just make sure he’s exhausted or unconscious when I come back in a week.”

Force-marches with noise-discipline rules at the nature lodge (your noise, my discipline)… good times :)

Captcha: “Proco would” – Who the hell names their kid “Proco”?

Von Krieger Says:
March 8th, 2011 at 8:47 am

How the heck did this get down here? It was meant to go a few comments upward. :P

steelcobra reply on March 8th, 2011 9:04 pm:

It’s still wrong. :P

Matt Says:
March 8th, 2011 at 9:53 am

What, nothing about chidren and hundred mile and hour tape?

TX Detritus reply on March 8th, 2011 2:21 pm:

That’s probably amoung the things he CAN do…

Anonymous and STILL Employed Says:
March 9th, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Just laughed til I almost threw up.
My parents owned a playcenter briefly when I was in my teens and I can remember a few similar things happening. Just of the top of my head:

1 Sleeping drunk in the ballpool is bad – even if you come in at night to do it when nobody is around

2 Small and impressonable children left in your care should not be referred to as “minions” or given pointless menial tasks to distract them

3 Rigging up a Nintendo 64 in your stepdads office and then letting some of the kids know about it is a quick way to get yourself yelled at

4 Responding to stupid comments with “I weep for the future” in front a kids parents is bad

5 There shall be no officechair rally during the day

6 There shall be no laser paintball during the day

7 There are to be no foodfights and – if there are, no using the slushy machine for ammunition

8 Pulling mean spirited pranks on your trusting younger brothers is bad – pulling them on trusting kids you don’t know is even worse

9 Chuckling evilly is never an appropriate response

10 The day before the playcenter goes under new management it is wrong to come in after dark and take everything you can (furniture, doorhinges, cutlery, etc) and put it on eBay – unless you tell somebody first

Laughing-in-class Says:
April 1st, 2011 at 10:22 pm

What, nothing about duct tape? I’m impressed at your restraint!

cmdr. crashlander Says:
April 18th, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Silence is golden.
Duct tape is silver.

Jodie Says:
May 16th, 2011 at 4:07 pm

My mom would’ve probably paid you extra to do half that stuff when I was little >.>”

Ray Says:
August 7th, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Daaamn, I need to know where you work- I would definately send a few kids!

Reese Says:
October 24th, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I have five kids all my own, and I have to say that I would probably laugh if I heard anyone say or do any of those things to any of them. Then again their uses sarcasm as normal speach. My 3 year old already looks at me and says “I know, I know, I know” in a sarcasitc way.

Kat Says:
April 4th, 2013 at 9:16 am

well done on not locking them in the bathrooms! i used to do that when i actually was in daycare myself.

also;
1. blow-horns and babies do not mix.
2. the preschoolers’ gullibility should not be abused to make them my servents
3. do not teach toddlers how to curse
4. explaining to 3rd graders why their dad is spending so much time with “auntie” is a no-no

insurance plans for self employed Says:
June 3rd, 2013 at 6:08 pm

Wow, this article is terrific. My younger cousin has
been asking questions about this stuff, so I’ll definitely be sending her over to check this out.

Frank Says:
February 27th, 2016 at 3:27 am

I would recomend a new attraction called the jump and stick with prizes for the the highest contestant.

Basically a midget toss wall, and you won’t even have to alter the suits much. they have to take a running jump. then figure out how to get themselves down.

Hours of uninterupted amusement…I’ll let you decide for who