So, as I’m sure you may have figured out, my wife has recently given birth, via cesarean, to multiple children. But before I get into the sleepless nights, the endless cycles of feed/burp/sleep/poop, and all the other wonders of being a parent of newborns, I thought I’d like to catch you up on the recent pregnancy.
It was not an easy one, for my wife at least. Since finding out she was pregnant with multiples she has had to quit her job, quit school and spend 22 hours a day laying in bed. The other 2 hours were bathroom breaks and showers. If this wasn’t bad enough, she only spent about a week at home doing this before the hospital moved her to a room so they could bet better observations. Now normally this would be a time of stress and worry for both parents, and for her it was. For me it was a time of sports and beer, two things which I have to curtail when the wife is home. Six weeks of watching what I wanted to, when I wanted to. Granted I spent a good portion of my time with her at the hospital, but at home I was able to enjoy those rare treats that only come once in a blue moon. However I did come up with a list of things that you really don’t want to do, or to cover up before the wife comes home.
Things to do, or not to do, while the wife is away:
- Never forget that even though it is your wife’s cat, YOU are the one home and the litter box does not magically change itself. If you forget this the cat WILL remind you with a wonderful wet spot in YOUR laundry. It will leave the wife’s laundry alone.
- When longing about the house, do not neglect to do the dishes. When your wife gets home, and you’ve found that you procrastinated too much, she really doesn’t like to hear “Well, I meant to do them but <insert inane excuse here>.”
- Yes it is your house. Yes you are king of the castle. No, the neighbors do not want to see you in your underwear when you receive a delivered pizza.
- The stove is your friend. The fridge is not. If your wife is going to be gone for more than a few day be sure to clear out all the health food she stocked it with. Otherwise when you reach for that frosty one, something else may be reaching for you at the same time.
- Canned tuna is not a viable substitute for kitty food. Unless you like to be woken up by tuna smelling kitty breath in the middle of the night while the cat vomits on you.
- Just because the wife isn’t home, you still can’t do all the things that she says you can’t. Like flying. Even though your wife is gone, you still can’t fly.
- In your wife’s mind, fishing is just another word for “slacking off.” Even if you fill the freezer with fish, and win a $1000 prize for catching the most fish in an 8 hour period.
- Your wife will not call you unless you are doing something against her rules. Then she will always wait until the most inopportune moment and then she will call you. All wives have ESP and know precisely when this moment is.
- Just because your wife is isolated from your world, does not mean she is isolated from the world. She has friends with 40x x-ray binoculars that can see China through the Earth’s crust. They will see all, and they will tell all. Don’t be surprised when she gets home and says “Honey, Mary told me about something you did. <Insert bitching session here>.”
- While the wife is away you are concerned only about which team is winning and when the beer will run out. While away she is thinking about what color the new nursery is going to be, where the beds will be positioned, how many diapers a day you will be going through, what type of food they will be eating, how the laundry should be done, reading a book on being a good mother, getting a manicure, and curing cancer… simultaneously. And that is all before lunch. Don’t be surprised if she comes home with a list of things to do.
- If you cook for your wife, cook for everyone. As a matter of fact a good way to get rid of all that health food in the fridge is to make a huge meal and take it to wherever your wife is staying. You will not be bringing home any leftovers anyways.
- Using visits to your wife as an excuse on why there are goblins living in your overflowing trashcan is not a good idea. Having the goblins telling her your were a lazy and incompetent husband also doesn’t help, as your wife will tend to believe the goblins over you.
- When the wife comes home, make sure that you have wiped all the pornography from the DVR.
- Even though you may know how to find any place in the hospital via the shortest routes, people don’t want to hear it. They’d rather walk a mile any a half then take your shorter 30 second shortcut. Having practically lived there for the last four months is not reason enough for them to trust you either.
I’ve also discovered a few truths in this time. Like when your wifes water breaks, NO ONE will get out of your way despite the fact you are doing 100 mph on the 40 mph highway, your hazards flashing and you leaning on your horn the entire time. However, when doing 125 mph down the highway people get out of your way in a hurry. Or maybe it was the cop chasing me they were moving for…