It’s been forever since I posted one. here we go.
(Submitted by MSG Pleads The Fifth)
I should start by saying none of this ever happened, I was in no way responsible for any of these occurrences, but most importantly these stories can be told because the statute of limitations has run out on all except the ones that occurred while deployed.
Things I have been made to promise:
1. I will never again fill the salute gun on Ft Rucker with 300 ping pong balls.
2. I will never brand an official web site with the company name of QLBHCTS (Quick Look Busy Here Comes The Sergeant Major). This site still exists even though I did it shortly before I retired in 2006. http://www.armyhooahrace.army.mil/armyhooahrace/ click About, scroll to bottom.
3. I will not have all 2000 Official Race T-Shirts emblazoned with *designed by QLBHCTS LLC* again.
4. I will not use a M1 Abrams main gun and propane to shoot softballs.
5. I will not refer to softballs shot from an M1A1 as *less than lethal tank munitions*.
6. I will not use railroad ties and a chainsaw to fashion a stock for an M1 120mm gun tube.
7. I will not have the Allied Trades shop make a bayonet for my M1A1 main gun.
8. I will not take M88 through the post car wash because its closer than the wash rack.
9. While Range OIC I will not command the firing line to *fix bayonets and charge* during weapons qualification.
10. I will not swap blanks for live rounds in the CO’s magazines during weapons qualification.
11. I will not yell *I don’t give a rats @$$ what the commander wants you’re going to ….* while the commander is standing right behind me.
12. I will not trade my flight suit to a Polizei motorcycle cop for his leathers.
13. I will not refer to the CO as *The Antichrist* in official correspondence.
14. Inshalla is not a proper response to the FORSCOM commander during a Battle Update Brief.
15. While acting as ACTF NCOIC I will not direct all troops boarding through the front to exit through the rear and all troops boarding through the rear to exit through the front.
16. While acting as ACTF crew chief during infantry false insertions I will not call for a *Chinese fire drill*
17. I will not repaint the Ft Benning infantry slogan on my ACTF to read *swallow me* instead of *follow me*
18. I will not paint a giant pig with wings on the side of my UH-1H immediately before shipping the aircraft to a predominantly Muslim nation.
19. I will not paint the sole of a giant shoe on the bottom of my aircraft immediately prior to deploying to a predominantly Muslim nation
20. During morning formation after announcing a random urinalysis I will not ask to have all *Pecker Checkers* fall out when referring to the urinalysis monitors.
21. In official correspondence I will not refer to urinalysis monitors as *pecker peepers*
22. I will not tie 8 Plebes naked to a laundry cart, duct tape a red chemlight to one and have them pull a naked *Santa Claus* across the diagonal during Christmas dinner at USMA.
23. I will not instruct my squad to practice room clearing using a Porta John as the objective.
24. I will not dress 8 Plebes in yellow t-shirts, overalls and swim masks and then begin referring to them as *my minions*
25. I will not swap a CS grenade for a white smoke grenade during the Ft Rucker Post Commanders annual tactical fun run.
26. I will not give the CO a 16 oz glass of Ouzo and tell him its mineral water.
27. I will not fill the CO’s HMMWV defroster vents full of paper assholes, then place the blower on high.
28. I will not moon the East German border guards.
29. I will not moon the Czechoslovakian border guards.
30. I will not moon any foreign dignitaries.
31. I will not moon anyone while on duty.
32. I will not moon anyone from my barracks window while off-duty.
33. I will not moon the CO from my POV.
34. I will not moon anyone, ever (clarification of previous 6 entries).
35. I will not refer to anyone in the Chain of Command as *that loser* in official correspondence.
36. I will not use Photoshop to alter the commanders appearance in any official photo’s.
37. I will not use a grenade simulator as an alarm clock for the CO.
38. I will not refer to our new WO1 as *spot* when addressing the company in formation.
39. I will not inquire as to the color of the snow on a soldiers planet after being told that purple is the soldiers natural hair color.
40. I will not tear up a soldiers stress card while performing corrective counseling on a trainee.
41. I will not refer to the CO’s injuries as being a *mortal flesh wound*
42. I will not inform a soldier that he has *terminal hypochondria*.
43. I will not inform any soldier that has been diagnosed with terminal hypochondria that they only have 3 months to live.
44. I will not call the chaplain to have him administer last rights to any soldier that has only 3 months left to live after having been diagnosed with terminal hypochondria.
45. I will not put on a red nose and Bozo wig before going out on patrol.
46. I will not trade ANYTHING for a camel, again.
47. I will not tell the new 2LT PL that a Sheppard’s crook is his official symbol of office and have him carry it during a Bn formation.
48. A *Hello Kitty* pin is not an official award for kitten herding. And will not be worn on the ACU’s during an inspection.
49. I will not refer to poodle as *the other white meat* in any menu, in any DFAC, in any theater of operations ever again (this CO was covering his bases).
50. When leaving for the day I will not inform the CO *I’m leaving, I guess that means you’re in charge* while the BN CO is in his office.
51. *Because the little man in my thumb told me to* is not considered a viable reason for any command decision you make.
52. Telling the commander that you do not hear voices in your head, that they are coming from the little man who lives in your thumb is not an appropriate response.
53. I will not show up to formation wearing a ACH with flip flops in the camo band and nothing else.
54. An ACU thong with a SAPI plate is not considered IBA when worn as the sole uniform item.
55. *Penis Jousting* is not an approved exercise during unit PT.
56. 1D10T is not a valid MOS to put as your primary MOS
57. Changing the commanders password in SAMS to B1T3M3 will not make him happier than when it was UR3T@RD.