Hey Americans, it’s 2010. That means there’s another form to fill out in addition to your tax extension– the Census.
If you think a Census is just an inconvenience that wasn’t in the Founding Fathers’ vision for this great land of ours, think again! The first Congress established a process for counting every American to determine a states’ number of representatives, figure budgets and score digits from any hot chick gullible enough to put them on the form. The first census was taken in 1790 and has followed every 10 years since. Its methods have never been above controversy, as seen in these transcripts of the Congressional record in the year 1787.
Thomas Jefferson: I just don’t see what business it is of the government’s how many slaves I have. The form might as well ask how many horses I have, or chickens.
Benjamin Franklin: Sir, you’re talking about people.
Jefferson: Mr. Washington, may I approach the bench?
George Washington: Counsels, come forward.
Franklin and Jefferson walk to the bench.
Jefferson (whispering): You see, the thing is, I designed this dome — No, designed is too strong a word, doodled really. Anyway, Martha just fell in love with it and wants it put on the house, so we’re really depending on our next few harvests to fund it and if we count slaves as people, well, we just wrote this whole thing about what he have to give people — it could really leave me in a spot. You know what I mean.
Franklin: That’s not the problem of these United States.
Roger Sherman: Mr. Washington, if I may…
Washington: The chair recognizes the distinguished gentleman from Connecticut.
Jafferson: Who the hell are you?
Sherman: Roger Sherman, Connecticut. I helped you write the Declaration of Independence.
Jefferson: If you say so.
Sherman: Tom, have you ever had sex with any of your horses?
Sherman: Your honor, I assure you it’s relevant.
Washington: I’ll allow it.
Sherman: Have you ever had sex with a horse?
Sherman: What about chickens? Have you ever–
Jefferson: Sir, I am outraged at your insinuation and will have my satisfaction–
Washington: Just answer the question.
Sherman: Why not?
Jefferson: Because that’s disgusting, an abomination. They’re animals.
Sherman: Have you ever had sex with any of your slaves?
Jefferson: I don’t have to answer that.
Washington: Who says you don’t?
Jefferson: Oh! Well, when we’re done with this, we should make a rule where we don’t have to answer questions like that.
Sherman: I’ll move on. Mr. Jefferson, is it safe to say you have never or would never commit bestiality?
Jefferson: Absolutely not.
Sherman: Well, how about we only count the slaves you’ve had sex with as people?
Franklin: Wait a minute. We only count the slaves Thomas Jefferson had sex with? That’s still not right.
Sherman: Proportionately. Assuming Mr. Jefferson has only an average hunger for sex with his slaves–
Jefferson: Less than average, I promise.
Sherman: We could say the fraction of slaves he’s had sex with over the number he has not would apply to how we count slaves in our census.
Franklin: Sounds reasonable.
And that’s how the infamous three-fifths compromise was reached.