On Video Games and Sexual Orientation
The other night I had decided to blow off some steam by hoping online and killing zombies in L4D2.
The problem with this plan is that the Left 4 Dead public games are more or less a collection point for emotionally impaired teenagers. And my gaming session proved to be filled with the sort of people that make me want to consider giving up online game entirely.
There were three kids, clearly in their mid-teens, who decided to engage in what could best be described as epic levels of smack talk. Normally smack talk is just part of the game, but these guys pushed it to a whole new level. Every single event in the game was met with commentary that heavily featured violently graphic descriptions of non-consensual homosexual acts. I’m not normally much of a prude when it comes to language use, but even I was beginning to find it tiresome. It wasn’t even like they were in an argument with someone and just got carried away. Nobody else was even speaking all that much, they just felt that the game really benefited from a non-stop litany of disturbing, and granted, highly creative verbal imagery.
This had been going on for some time, and I was beginning to think about trying to find another game when a lovely young Southern belle activated her microphone, and destroyed them. For the record, I know she was young and Southern from the drawl in her voice. I know she was lovely because any woman that plays online zombie shooters and can come up with this sort of verbal beat-down is automatically beautiful.
“Y’all do know the difference between gay and faggot, right boys?” she asked, interrupting a spirited, and uncomfortably specific discussion about what horrors they would like to visit on my teams’ sphincters.
“Gay is a man that likes to have sex with other men. A faggot is a little boy who uses gay sex to insult people because he’d secretly really like to try it.”
The spastic kids started to sputter in rage when she continued.
“And you boys sound like you’re about two wine-coolers away from really angry experimental butt-sex.”
I wound up missing an easy kill because I was busy trying to mop my drink up off of my keyboard instead of playing, but the closet kids all wound up leaving, presumably because one of them had found some wine-coolers.
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March 31st, 2010 at 9:25 am
This girl is my new hero. If I weren’t a woman, I’d ask her to marry me. Heck, I might ask her anyways.
recaptcha: agreement trashes
Even the captcha agrees that her trash-talk kicked some major booty.
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Minty reply on March 31st, 2010 5:24 pm:
Hey, as far as anyone knows, it’s still legal in Iowa. Go for it!
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March 31st, 2010 at 10:20 am
I just very nearly LOL’d in my cubicle. Fortunately, a couple of my co-workers play L4D2 and will probably understand why I’m smothering my giggles…
Captcha: machine themselves, which is another entirely worthwhile suggestion.
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March 31st, 2010 at 11:12 am
I’ve never played l4d, but I really want to meet this girl. And how come though that i’m the only person that no matter what he hears, never gets to the point where he would spit out perfectly good soda?
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March 31st, 2010 at 11:24 am
Guys like this are a big reason why I don’t play online at all because the tedium factor is just way too high. I am just in awe of this chick. She wins teh internets.
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March 31st, 2010 at 1:47 pm
lol that is awesome.
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March 31st, 2010 at 2:46 pm
This chick wins at life. I think I’m in love with her a little bit. I’m sure my fiancée’ won’t mind if I bring another girl home…
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March 31st, 2010 at 2:54 pm
EPIC. WIN.
But yeah, for every reasonably mature adult you find online, there’s about ten or so people who need a good beating.
My hat is off to the Southern Belle, though. Ma’am, if we ever meet? The drinks are on me, no foolin’.
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March 31st, 2010 at 3:20 pm
Southern Girls are the best. :)
(Shady is about to ramble..)
Some years ago, I went to San Antonio to meet a guy who I’d hit it off with in my writing group. Long story short, he was also woo’ing another girl in the group at the same time, I said &@^# this, and went home early after waking him up to tell him I was leaving. (Needed a key to get out of the condo complex.)
My dear friend in Atlanta, Georgia, upon being told “I metaphorphically kicked him awake..” said, in that delightful southern belle way, “Well, hell honey, I would have mailed his balls back to him, I think he got off lightly..” I’m PRETTY SURE she was kidding..
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March 31st, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Whoever this charming belle is, she deserves to join the ranks of The Pro for their tireless efforts to eliminate douchebaggery from online gaming.
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March 31st, 2010 at 3:56 pm
CLassic! Oh and Skippy, you owe me a new keyboard. I don’t think espresso comes out of ths one.
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March 31st, 2010 at 4:19 pm
That was absolutely perfect. All my praise is directed at this bad ass gamer-girl.
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March 31st, 2010 at 4:23 pm
Nice! Though, I must say that L4D is best enjoyed when playing with friends instead of random people.
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March 31st, 2010 at 4:36 pm
I bounced a cough lozenge off my monitor screen, and my assistant thinks I was coughing spasmodically.
captcha: marbles strengthen
Perhaps, but I’ve lost all of mine. Can you spot me a pair?
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March 31st, 2010 at 10:16 pm
Nice, that beats the sorry bastard that got tossed on my bon fire this past weekend over some petty shit. Nicely done.
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Adam reply on April 1st, 2010 6:11 am:
Wait what? Story?
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Podmunki reply on April 2nd, 2010 9:56 am:
I concur, this definitely CANNOT be left without a explanation…
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gologi reply on April 4th, 2010 12:02 pm:
To keep this as nondescript as possible to avoid any implications on myself or others the story is as follows. On a Friday night following being released for the weekend myself and some others head to the mountains to have a bon fire and drink some beer. A few hours in some other people show up with more beer and ask if they can join us. A few more hours goes by and a few of these people start to get rowdy as the alcohol in their system overrides any common sense they may have. As I am returning from relieving myself in the bushes, I am surprised to see one of these uninvited guests throwing another onto the fire and repeatedly beating him on the head until the fight is broken up. When all was said and done with the victim was bleeding pretty good, and had a number of burns on his body. Shortly after, they left and I haven’t heard anything about them since that night.
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March 31st, 2010 at 11:06 pm
I worship this woman.
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April 1st, 2010 at 4:18 am
Just beutiful.
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April 1st, 2010 at 7:38 am
God-DAMMIT!
Why can’t I meet any of those girls? I know, what, 3 gamer girls? And none of them are nearly as badass as that one.
That is one awesome gamer-girl. I have had way more than my fair share of douchebaggery on the internet, and people like her are the answer.
Am I the only one to notice that all of the gamer girls are the most skilled, most level-headed gamers?
Captcha: She Carmack: Sweet heaven. CAPTCHA just said that she is the cofounder of id Software.
Is it just me, or has Captcha gotten really prescient about topic?
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April 2nd, 2010 at 11:32 pm
I was engaged to a gamer girl.. it’s not all fun and games. They can grow a pair any time they want, and usually when you find it inconvenient.. However.. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am dating yet another gamer girl.. previously a clan leader for Jedi Knight Academy, and a self professed “Whore-lock”.. aka level 80 Warlock on WoW who’ll join any group on a raid for choice of drops. She’s also a professional chef, and knowing she carries a bag full of very sharp knives is just part of the charm. They are lovely.. but spirited, and independant.. respect it.. or pay the price.
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