I was running early this morning. I hate running early, because it means that i could have been sleeping, but instead for some ungodly reason I woke up the first time my alarm rang. God bless the snooze button!
Since I was running early I decided to stop and get my guys some doughnuts,
cause I’m a nice boss like that because my fiance said let’s stop and get doughnuts for our employees. We weren’t running real early, maybe 10 minutes or so. I told her that if the doughnut shop was busy we couldn’t stop.
When we got to Fresh Doughnuts (I love the Vietnamese, they always pick the least complicated names for their shops, like Nails II at the mall), there was only one customer at the counter, so I stopped. I assumed we would be in and out in no time. You know what they say about assuming.
This woman in front of us ordered 3 dozen doughnuts. Nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is picking each of the fucking 36 doughnuts out individually while mentally laboring for 5 seconds with “uuuuuuuummmmmmmm….. I’ll take one of those………” between selections. My fiance was rolling her eyes and obviously annoyed. I think I did a good job of hiding my annoyance.
After the first dozen, another worker came out from the back to take care of us, while the other lady continued to help the indecisive bitch. My fiance starts out with “ummmmmm…….. I’ll take one of those……, and hmmmmm….. one of those…….. and ohhhhh I like those……. give me two of them……. hmmm……”
At this point I had had enough of this hypocricy, and yelled at my fiance:
“Honey, I love you, but don’t be THAT DOUCHEBAG who picks every single doughnut out individually! How many doughnuts do you expect to eat from that dozen? one? two maybe? the rest are going to be eaten by your coworkers, who will be happy just to have a free treat, and not give a damn what you picked out. Are you going to eat the whole dozen like some Rosie O’Donnell on a bender? No! So pick out the one or two doughnuts you like, and tell them to mix the rest, so that we, and the other people in line behind us can go about our day, and not be late because you take a god damned half hour to order a dozen doughnuts. Thank God you’re not getting 3 dozen and doing that shit because then I’d want to shoot you in the fucking face with a shotgun.”
At that point the other woman told the lady helping her, “Please just mix up that last dozen for me, Thank you!” and hurried out the door.
Now it was my turn to order:
“2 peanut butter filled and 1 strawberry creme filled, and a mix of whatever else to make a dozen, just be quick about it”
My fiance just had to chime in:
“Honey they didn’t put any boston cream ones in there, people like boston cream, you should make her put in some boston cream”
(Now commentors, at this point I pose the question it is 630 am, and i am now running late, my running early has been completely eaten up, and I will be late to work. Am I wrong for the following tirade?)
“Fuck Boston Cream pie! Fuck my employees! Fuck Doughnuts! Fuck people who make other people late for work by picking out each individual doughnut with the care of picking out an engagement ring! I hate Boston Cream pies just because they have the word Boston in it. This is because I hate Boston! I hate the Sawx, I hate the Pats, I hate the Bruins and the Celtics! I hate the accents, I hate the people! I hate everything about Boston except the Boondock Saints! I just want to get my doughnuts and get to work because now I am late, and I hate being late, and it is all because of people like you and Bostonians that I am late! Fuck Boston!”