Tips for Skippy
I don’t know everything about raising kids, but through the years I have learned a few things. My Dad never passed anything on to me or my brother about raising kids, he’s really old school: beat your kids, don’t ever hug them, tell them they stink. Most of what we know we had to learn the hard way. I do have some brothers-in-law that are very smart, and were kind enough to pass on very important information from time to time too. I like to think that I’m a nice guy too, so I’ll pass some on to Skippy and anyone else needing guidance.
Disclaimer: These will not work if your wife reads this.
(Note from Skippy: You are aware that she knows about this site, right?)
First, a fact, just in case you didn’t know:
As long as your wife is breast feeding, baby poop really doesn’t stink.
This is important, because this is your window to rack up a lot points. Change as many poopy diapers as you can during this phase. Change as many diapers as you can regardless during this phase.
When your wife begins using formula and such, grab every wet diaper you can to build up points. At this time, stop cutting the grass, or stop doing a common chore that is “yours” that won’t totally make the wife mad or bring in the health department. When the little ones have a totally messy, spilling out of the diaper, crap, that’s when you go out and cut the grass. Always check down the back of the diaper, pull it out really far, because sometimes it can seep around to the front and the back will look clear.
In the last trimester take on extra jobs, the ones that the wife considers to be hers, to let her know that you care. My wife doesn’t like me to be in the kitchen (no! I did not burn anything, it’s just her thing), but I did step in and do the work. I got paper plates to help me out too.
My wife was green before Al Gore was in government, so it was a bit of a struggle, but I got her to give in by agreeing to toss the paper into the fireplace – she likes a romantic fire and I know fire isn’t green, but she’s my wife – and then toss the ashes onto the compost pile. Save the environment!
Always do the dishes as soon as you finish dinner and make sure the kitchen is clean, etc. I would get the “You’re so good to me…” line followed by hormone filled tears.
Do the laundry before she runs out of clothes. “Oh, how sweet…”
Insist that she stretch out on the recliner, or the couch if you don’t have a recliner. Get her her favorite cool or warm drink, depending upon the season. Record her favorite show so she can watch it at her leisure. This should get you the hormone filled tears, and provide her with lots of happy memories.
Vacuum a lot too, especially if she’s stretched out on the couch so she can see you doing it, even if she insists you don’t have to do it. Just let her know that you want to do everything you can to help her out. More happy memories for her.
The happy memories are very important for when you skip out to cut the grass.
Another tip is when your kid looks like he/she’s going to puke, they are. Don’t ask them, just take immediate action. A buddy of mine picked his kid and held her above him while asking the little one if she felt sick. She puked onto his face and into his mouth. He immediately returned the favor. Just get the kid into the bathroom and near any of the toilet, sink or tub as that will make clean up soooo much easier.
Toilet training: girls do it quickly, but boys are all slow. My mother thought my brother and I would graduate high school wearing diapers, at least that’s what she always said. It’s not out of the ordinary for a boy to go to three years old in some sort of diaper. Boys just don’t seem to care. My own son followed in my footsteps. It got so bad, and I ran out of grass to cut, so I went to Bosnia. My wife still says I had something to do with the breakup of Yugoslavia.
Once your boys get to a certain age, they will start watering the trees outside. My wife surprised me when she decided it was okay. About the age of four is when boys start marking their territory.
When your kids recognize the McDonald’s sign and proclaim they have to go to the can, you can quickly determine if they need to go, or just want a happy meal and/or play in the hamster maze. I did this by pulling over onto the side of the road and telling my son to pick out his tree. If he didn’t want to pick a tree, then it was apparent he just wanted to play or get a toy.
If they say they have to take a dump, go to the dirtiest gas station. If he makes like he’s going to get out, then he really does have to go and take him to the cleanest restroom you know of.
On second thought, none of these will work for girls as most of them won’t go in public and refuse to go to a restroom that has not been hermetically sealed. At least that’s how it works in my family.
I’ll cut it off at this point, there are more tips and such, but I’d rather not overwhelm the new father to be.
Follow
October 20th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
more?
round 2 please
Reply
October 20th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
American gas stations scare me.
Reply
air farce dude reply on October 30th, 2009 5:20 am:
I’m gonna have to go ahead and second this statement. Even though I’ve never been to any gass stations out of this country I have to admit that I have NEVER to my knowledge used a gas station bathroom to take a crap.
Reply
jebbers12 reply on November 26th, 2010 10:59 pm:
NEVER NEVER use ones in central america you wipe and have to throw the paper in a buckert nasty smell dude
Reply
October 21st, 2009 at 12:27 am
My son was FAR easier to potty train than his younger sister. So not all of these universals are accurate, fair warning. Very true on the scentless poo when breast fed.
Another tip- if mom is breast feeding and you are watching the baby for her and he seems hungry, never EVER give it a bottle of formula unless she told you to. Chances are that she will get home painfully full and will kill you if she finds the baby isn’t hungry. Those things HURT when overfull.
Reply
Maven reply on November 8th, 2009 10:21 am:
Get her a breast pump. Man-up and pop for the $300 model. I was putting out 92oz every 24hrs for the first 6 months whether the kid was peckish or not. I tried to donate it, but the nearest site was 2 hours one way, and they required I pump it on site.
The boobs woke me up in the night more often than the kid did! Thank GOD for Medela.
Reply
JoAnn reply on November 8th, 2009 10:40 am:
I had to pump when I was back at University classes or on my guard weekends, but it was always always far easier to hook the kid up than to use the blasted thing! End results were two very healthy kids though, so it is totally worth it.
Reply
bdrlen reply on February 18th, 2010 5:07 pm:
Rent a pump from a drug store for $15/month instead. The handheld breast pumps will ensure_both_ of your hands are strong enough to crush coal into diamonds.
Reply
Maven reply on February 18th, 2010 10:11 pm:
Broke 3 Avent Isis handhelds before buying a friend’s used Medela pump. I milk dairy goats on our farm. My grip is already formidable.
That said, the electric pump was way faster to empty me and I could go back to bead that much quicker – a BIG bonus when you’re seriously sleep deprived.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:10 am
good tips… to batch I already finished round 2 (I have to girls a 14 month old and a 2 month old) this tips would hae save me time money and people yelling at me….
Reply
October 21st, 2009 at 8:41 am
Note: Pennsilvania apparently has the worst public restrooms, at least according to my dad, who was a truck driver at the time.
Reply
Minty reply on October 21st, 2009 6:40 pm:
Also the worst drivers, according to truck drivers. As a former Pennsylvanian, I’m both proud and ashamed of these facts.
Captcha: “McCarthy vexes.” Yeah, he ruined a lot of people’s days.
Reply
LT Ronald reply on October 22nd, 2009 4:37 am:
Not even with BBQ Napalm in a can?
Reply
LT Ronald reply on October 22nd, 2009 4:38 am:
Wrong spot for this comment!!!! Stupid no comment deleate button!!!
Reply
Grayson reply on October 26th, 2009 3:47 pm:
Gotcha, Lieutenant. I want DETAILS. Anything involving BBQ and napalm tends to get my attention in a hurry. Details, please.
Reply
LT Ronald reply on October 27th, 2009 5:27 am:
http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/bbtrix/4.html
Should be here
Grayson reply on November 11th, 2009 12:41 am:
HOLY THUNDERING F**K.
THIS STUFF IS SCREAMING AWESOME.
WHERE WAS THIS STUFF WHEN I WAS A KID?
got to stop and look over the rest of this website…
Lieutenant, Thank You ever so much.
I owe you a beer. Or a skippy (the drink). or a six-pack of whatever. If ever there is a Skippyslist convention and we meet, the first drink is on me.
Shadowydreamer reply on November 11th, 2009 10:02 am:
Skippy list convention.. what city would be safe to host it??
Nikki reply on December 1st, 2009 12:53 pm:
Siz may not be on the market but hair mouse works just about the same.
Reply
October 21st, 2009 at 10:34 am
My mother has decreed I am going to have twins, one of each, so believe me i am taking notes. However the father knows he is on nappy/vomit duty permanently.
Reply
October 21st, 2009 at 11:01 am
Not only does breast milk poop not stink foul, but breast milk spitup doesn’t stain foul either. Formula spitup, on the other hand, will require clothing to be burned to get rid of the stains. Then you’ll be left with a stain-shaped piece of carbon in your BBQ grill. Formula is evil! Though, for some it is a necessary evil.
Reply
Matt reply on October 21st, 2009 3:50 pm:
As bad as regular formula is, the non-allergenic Soy Formula is hideous! I’m not sure it’ll even burn in the grill.
Reply
LT Ronald reply on October 22nd, 2009 4:41 am:
Not even with BBQ Napalm in a can?
Captcha: Floppies 1 1/8, the amount of time, in years, it takes from birth of a child until the mother’s… well you know.
Reply
October 21st, 2009 at 11:49 am
I’m a pretty young guy and don’t plan on having kids anytime soon. However these are both very entertaining and very informative for when i will.
Please please moar!
Reply
October 21st, 2009 at 3:48 pm
1. I learned early on to recognize the signs of imminent vomiting in infants. Having cute kids made it easy to hand them off to family, freinds, trusting strangers and watch the fun. If you feed them and shake them they will pop almost as good as a warm can of beer.
2. Never, ever feed a child under 2 canned chili. Especially if they are also teething! They will blow their bottom out so it makes the burst radius of a hand-grenade look tame. They will take out the diaper, Onsey, Infant Seat, car seat and select portions of the mother-in-law sitting next to the little darlin’. You will get extremely strange looks from the Japanese when you are hosing down all of the above in a Japanese gas station.
Reply
Minty reply on October 21st, 2009 6:44 pm:
Obviously, you never saw “Mr. Mom.”
Reply
Matt reply on October 21st, 2009 8:03 pm:
You mean it wasn’t a training film? I actually saw it when it came out in the theater.
Reply
ShuttleZ reply on October 21st, 2009 7:18 pm:
I just snorted coffee out my nose when I read number 2 (oh dear!) and started thinking about that one.
That has just conjured up the most horrible image in my head. It gives “explosive decompression” a WHOLE different meaning. O_O
…am I a horrible person for laughing at that and thinking that maybe I’ll try it on my wife’s cousin’s baby boy (after I’m at a safe distance)?
Reply
Matt reply on October 21st, 2009 8:04 pm:
Some babies, really like chili. I’m not sure there is a safe distance, just keep pointed away from your face and flammables.
Reply
October 21st, 2009 at 4:11 pm
LOL
Reply
October 21st, 2009 at 9:06 pm
If your wife is breastfeeding, watch her boobs like a hawk, if they get very tender or really hard or red she needs antibiotics. If she decides not to (which is understandable with twins) watch out for those first couple days or engorgement and remember this tip… ready… Frozen Cabbage leaves on the boobs. Sounds wierd but it works, you will thank me later.
Reply
CCO reply on October 22nd, 2009 9:57 am:
Are talking about mastitis?
Reply
CCO reply on October 22nd, 2009 9:58 am:
^you
Reply
Billy reply on October 22nd, 2009 3:50 pm:
Is this where the guy is supposed to just stop at “watch boobs like a hawk” and say “OK!!!”?
Reply
bdrlen reply on February 18th, 2010 5:29 pm:
REally with breastfeeding wives, watching them like a hawk is not something that needs mentioning. I’d say it is more along the lines of a biological impossibility to not do it.
Reply