Lately I have been spending most of my nights on the couch. Not because I have done something to anger my wife or anything. But because of one of the less pleasant changes that her body has gone through due to our impending parenthood.
She has started to snore.
And the word word “snore” doesn’t really cut it here. It really is too small and innocuous a word to truly convey the cacophonous splendor that is generated each night.
To understand the sort of sound that is produced, imagine if you will the sound made by a dying warthog. Now imagine that it is dying because it is being prison raped to death. By an asthmatic moose. With a chainsaw. I can actually hear her from the opposite side of the house.
At first I tried to just tough it out, but the problem is that I kept finding myself awake, at ohgod-why-am-I-awake-thirty in the morning listening to the lovely woman I married loudly produce some of the most horrible sounds I have ever heard.
I also briefly tried ear plugs. But then I can’t hear anything at all. And then the subsequent paranoia would keep me awake for just as long. You know that the night that I fall asleep with earplugs, will be the same night that something horrible happens, and I won’t be able to hear it in time to save myself.
Evidently I am terrified of irony.
And while I am lying awake, I would try to come up with a way to make the sounds stop. Or at the very least make them quieter. At one point I came to the conclusion that I just needed something to muffle the noise. Something soft so that I wouldn’t hurt my wife. Like maybe a pillow or something.
And then I realized that if I woke my wife up by putting a pillow on her face, she would probably think I was trying to murder her. And then I realized that my wife sleeps with a broadsword next to her side of the bed.
And so I decided that sleeping on the couch might be quieter, and significantly less stabby.