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Adventures With Pregnancy

September 30th, 2009 by skippy

Lately I have been spending most of my nights on the couch. Not because I have done something to anger my wife or anything. But because of one of the less pleasant changes that her body has gone through due to our impending parenthood.

She has started to snore.

And the word word “snore” doesn’t really cut it here. It really is too small and innocuous a word to truly convey the cacophonous splendor that is generated each night.

To understand the sort of sound that is produced, imagine if you will the sound made by a dying warthog. Now imagine that it is dying because it is being prison raped to death. By an asthmatic moose. With a chainsaw. I can actually hear her from the opposite side of the house.

At first I tried to just tough it out, but the problem is that I kept finding myself awake, at ohgod-why-am-I-awake-thirty in the morning listening to the lovely woman I married loudly produce some of the most horrible sounds I have ever heard.

I also briefly tried ear plugs. But then I can’t hear anything at all. And then the subsequent paranoia would keep me awake for just as long. You know that the night that I fall asleep with earplugs, will be the same night that something horrible happens, and I won’t be able to hear it in time to save myself.

Evidently I am terrified of irony.

And while I am lying awake, I would try to come up with a way to make the sounds stop. Or at the very least make them quieter. At one point I came to the conclusion that I just needed something to muffle the noise. Something soft so that I wouldn’t hurt my wife. Like maybe a pillow or something.

And then I realized that if I woke my wife up by putting a pillow on her face, she would probably think I was trying to murder her. And then I realized that my wife sleeps with a broadsword next to her side of the bed.

And so I decided that sleeping on the couch might be quieter, and significantly less stabby.

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55 Responses to “Adventures With Pregnancy”

  1. Arcanum Says:

    1) A wife who sleeps with a broadsword next to the bed probably means you win at life on some level.

    2) This post is to get her to make you sleep on the couch so you have an excuse, isn’t it?


  2. Gnr. Walker Says:

    your wife sleeps with a broadsword next to her!? Where do I find a girl like that?


    David reply on October 1st, 2009 10:15 am:

    Obviously: Skippy’s place!

    Captcha: leprosy veteran – explains a lot!


  3. Catherine Says:

    Wait, is a woman sleeping with some sort of pointy stabby object by her bed/ on the wall over her bed/under her pillow/all of the above unusual? Or are your wife and I the only two?

    Nine years of martial arts training for me, twelve for my fiance, and we both love knives, swords, and other shiny pointy fun toys more than is strictly healthy…our apartment looks like a an armory from the Middle ages in Europe and an armory from sixteenth century Japan met and had a bastard love child. And yes, one or the other of us knows how to use pretty much every weapon we have.

    I pity the poor, bled-out soul who ever decides to break into our place.


    gEiStToG reply on October 1st, 2009 12:18 am:

    Gotta be careful there ;) thiefs who find themselfs hurt in other peoples homes either accidently or by the home owner end up filing lawsuits and in some cases win lol…


    Shadowydreamer reply on October 1st, 2009 1:14 am:

    I haven’t heard about such in Canada .. but that’s okay, he probably thought I was gonna kill him anyway so he’d be unable to sue.


    Tim Covington reply on October 1st, 2009 5:30 am:

    Skippy and I both reside in Texas. We have a law saying that if you injure or kill someone who has broken into your home you can not be sued.

    BTW, not only does my wife sleep with a sword on her side of the bed, she also has a 9mm semi-auto and a 38 revolver. In some ways, I would really feel sorry for anyone who broke into the house while she is at home.


    David reply on October 1st, 2009 10:20 am:

    I think the only caveat to this is that you have to finish ’em off before they leave your property.

    Chasing them down to recover your property is okay.
    Hunting them across your property, Dick Cheney style, is okay.
    Hunting them down across county lines is out.
    Hunting them down across state lines is way out.
    Hunting them down across the border to Mexico is traditional. But also an international incident.

    Tim Covington reply on October 1st, 2009 10:30 am:

    Actually, the way the law now reads, chasing them down could get you sued (and lose). You are no longer defending lives or property, and have stepped outside the bounds of the law. This is the reason you should practice (preferably in a way that stresses you). If you just wound them, you are increasing the cost to yourself and other taxpayers. If you kill the perpetrator, there actually is a fairly cheap investigation, and it most likely doesn’t even make it to the grand jury.
    Also, you don’t attempt wound, or kill them (nor, do you fire a warning shot or try to shoot the weapon from their hands). You are trying to stop the threat they pose to you and/or others. This means you shoot until they are no longer a threat.
    Ah, this is fun. Did I mention that I have a Bachelor’s in Criminal Justice and hope to one day teach personal defense and concealed carry licensing classes.

    David reply on October 1st, 2009 11:35 am:

    Chasing them is one thing, and might be a bad thing; chasing someone who has your property in an attempt to recover it is another. Its my property.

    Texas law and Alaska law are likely rather different on the fine print details of all of this, so it is advisable to figure out what the “game rules” are in advance.

    The one line that seems to be clear in all of this is that if you stop to reload after the intruder has already been de-listed as a threat, and continue to shoot, you’re probably in the wrong. This seems to be an argument in favor of high capacity magazines.

    skippy reply on October 1st, 2009 11:41 am:

    Get a long barreled weapon with wooden furniture. Keep it loaded.

    Don’t fire it, but rather use the buttstock as a bludgeon to beat your target to death.

    You won;t face murder charges, as you clearly weren’t trying to kill him. Otherwise you would have just shot him.

    Kat reply on October 1st, 2009 3:08 pm:

    I was once told that if you keep shooting and manage to kill the person after they are out your door, you’d better drag their ass back into your house.
    Wasn’t there recently a news article about college student who cut a thief’s hand off with a sword when the guy broke into his house (which I think is a totally fitting punishment), the guy bled out and now the kid is facing charges.

    Tim Covington reply on October 1st, 2009 5:15 pm:

    If you kill someone, don’t move the body. Moving the body will be detected and you will go to jail.
    The student in Baltimore is a victim of the attitudes of the local law enforcement, DA, and laws. They are probably hoping to get an easy conviction through a plea bargain. However, it will be very hard to get a jury to convict him.

    StoneWolf reply on October 2nd, 2009 4:31 am:

    A lot of places have this stupid part of self defense law that basically says kill them. Not that I’m against it, but their reasoning is retarded. They basically say that if you shoot only to wound instead of using deadly force, then clearly you didn’t feel in that much danger did you so we’re going to award the victim (the burgler you kneecapped) your house as compensation for you assaulting him with a deadly weapon.

    Captcha: Ordnace beloved-well, yes, I do love firey explody things.

    JoAnn reply on October 3rd, 2009 9:30 pm:

    Whatever else you do, don’t ask to have the head stuffed and mounted so you can add it to your trophy wall. Deer are ok, human heads are just a leedle tacky…

    Capcha: aneurism nonmedalion- you won’t win any medals for creativity in the use of blown out brains either.

    Minty reply on October 5th, 2009 4:35 pm:

    Kat–Skippy posted the story. And the latest update is the kid is not going to face charges, which means the “victim’s” family is now whining on television about how unjust it is.

    Catherine reply on October 1st, 2009 1:19 pm:

    In the immortal words of my Kuk Soo Won instructor;

    “Corpses can’t hire lawyers.”


    TheShadowCat reply on October 2nd, 2009 10:00 am:

    Unfortunately, their relatives can.

    Sequoia reply on October 2nd, 2009 12:06 pm:

    Not if you get to the relatives before any lawyers are contacted.

  4. Shadowydreamer Says:

    I once chased a would-be thief out of my apartment with a claymore. Apparently a 5’7 redhead is scary when carrying a 35 inch sword and screaming?


    StoneWolf reply on October 2nd, 2009 4:33 am:

    Scary? I would have gone with hot.


    Shadowydreamer reply on October 2nd, 2009 8:09 am:

    LOL I guess it depends if the sword is pointed at you or not.. :)


    Caine reply on October 2nd, 2009 9:28 am:

    No no HOT is still definitely the word to describe you, regardless of who you’re point that sword at. =)

    Shadowydreamer reply on October 2nd, 2009 9:32 am:

    <3 You may have a cookie. :)

    Captcha : Impy shelled. Hope Impy shelled the bad guys.

    StoneWolf reply on October 2nd, 2009 9:38 am:

    Nah, either way. If its pointed at me then I just add “is this a game or should I start running from the hot lady?”

    Shadowydreamer reply on October 2nd, 2009 11:00 am:

    M. Wolf, that would likely get you smacked for not taking the angry woman with a pointy object seriously. You must be a marine. (Okay, THAT was an attempt at troll points. ;)

    Captcha : Two barrels. Apparently Captcha says the sword won’t work and I should just get a shotgun?

  5. Tzanti Says:

    It probably shows I’ve been in the LRP scene too long when the thought of swords in the bedroom doesn’t bother me until I read the comments and realise other people might find it unusual. Our flat is also something of an armoury.

    In fact, as long as the Zombie Apocalypse is LRP-safe then we’re sorted.


  6. ltc_insane Says:

    lol i have a bastard sword, battle axe, viking longsword and a katana not to mention a Kukri all within easy reach of my bed. :P sadly only the Katana and Kukri are sharpened.


  7. TheShadowCat Says:

    So, let me get this straight. You’re sleeping on the couch because she snores…not because a pregnant woman (who’s mood swings make riding that rollercoaster on top of that Vegas hotel without restraints look calm) sleeps with a broad sword within easy reach?


    Sicarius reply on October 1st, 2009 8:10 am:



    TheShadowCat reply on October 1st, 2009 8:57 am:



    Caine reply on October 2nd, 2009 9:29 am:

    He agreed with you.

  8. lukazaz Says:

    O_O sleeps with a sword beside her… skippy that sword is in case you screw up… be carefull oh skippy one!!!

    I had the same problem twice (the oldest is 14 months old and the youngest is 2 months old… dont ask) I slept on the couch BUT I plugede in my ipod with some low music that way I could hear her snore LESS but by awaken if something happened… like getting to the hospital… also when is she due???


  9. CCO Says:

    Gee, Skippy, I think my wife’s snoring is romantic. Then again, hers is more of the gentle waves breaking on the shore sound whereas she thinks mine is the cold diesel trying to start on a cold morning type noise.


  10. Chris Says:

    Skippy, you’re going to be a dad, as a new dad myself (9 months), just get used to the going without sleep now….it will make things much much easier.

    And I hope you are allowed to keep your sword after the little one comes. I had to get rid of many of my “toys” after our little one started becoming mobile. (the loaded garand under the bed made her nervous for some reason….)


    StoneWolf reply on October 2nd, 2009 4:40 am:

    The former Marine here at work was required to secure all his shit when his wife caught the kids fencing with his bayonets.


  11. L3D Says:

    I think some people here need to watch the Cautionary Tales Of Swords series


  12. CCO Says:

    Are broadswords stabbing weapons or slashing weapons?


    Sequoia reply on October 1st, 2009 4:36 pm:

    Killing weapons…

    Hmm, it could probably work as both, but I think it’s more of a slashing weapon.


    Rainewolf reply on October 1st, 2009 6:36 pm:

    Actually, a broadsword, traditionally, is more of a bashing weapon…Europeans back in the day weren’t too preoccupied with keeping their weapons exactly /sharp/, so the burrs and chinks that dull a sword blade – while probably taken care of when one thought about it or opportunity allowed – took the slashing away from the weapon. They’re more bludgeonary, with slashing as a side effect. ^^; the Japanese katana, now, /that’s/ a slashing weapon :D

    captcha: flay two – not with a broadsword, you can’t…


    StoneWolf reply on October 2nd, 2009 4:40 am:



  13. Kat Says:

    I slept with a knife under my pillow for a long time, until my daughter learned that mommy keeps toys (like the cell phone) under her pillow and started reaching under it. Oh yea, and that one time my parents took it away from me because I almost killed my sister…
    she woke me up at 2 a.m. what the hell was she expecting?
    Also, skippy, have you tried rolling her onto her side, it’s better for her anyway as being on her back will make the weight of the baby press down on the spine, constricting the arteries that bring blood to the baby… and, you know, everything else.


  14. Susan Says:

    I’m a wimp – I only keep a Tball bat under the bed. And a knife in the nightstand drawer, and there are usually big heavy hardcover library books on the nightstand…And I have a dog who doesn’t like men much. A problem for my social life, but a security boon.


  15. Matt Says:

    I got more “toys” as my girls got older, the further in teen years, the longer range the weapons. I figured if the boy never even got close to the house, it was better than shooting him with the shotgun. after reading all of this, I feel underarmed. Only got the shotgun, M4, handguns, machete and a couple of tomahawks in the bedroom. Yes, all loaded and/or sharp. Second thing I taught my daughters, the guns are always loaded, the knives always sharp.


    Shadowydreamer reply on October 2nd, 2009 8:32 am:

    Isn’t it a little dangerous to have loaded weapons around the house? I’m asking as an ignorant Canadian, not some anti-gun person, honest!!

    Captcha : unlace the .. .. the what?? I’m waiting in an-tic-i-paaaaa-tion!


    StoneWolf reply on October 2nd, 2009 9:42 am:

    Yes and no. Loaded does not necissarily mean there’s a round in the chamber, just that the magazine is loaded. So if you need it, grab it, rack the slide, pump it or whatever and you’re good to go. However, if you store with the chamber loaded, hammer back and saftey off, yeah, that’s dumb.
    Besides, if he was teaching his kids saftey you always assume every weapon is live until you confirm otherwise, be it blade, bang or boom.

    And about captcha, its unlace the corset.


    Matt reply on October 2nd, 2009 10:39 am:

    by loaded I did mean, magazine loaded, chamber empty. I learned early on that if you could teach kids not to play with knives, matches, poisonous chemicals, you could teach them no to touch the guns. My daughters also got to help me assemble, disassemble etc while cleaning, and when big enough to handle them, started to shoot. Exposure took most of the “forbidden allure” away from guns. One daughter loves them, the other just isn’t interested. I’ll caveat the whole thing with what works for me and my family might not work with someone elses, and is probably illegal somewhere else. I’d rather slide my hand under a pillow and feel a pistol, than the sharp edge of a knife. Although I truly love and appreciate edged weapons too.


    Shadowydreamer reply on October 2nd, 2009 10:45 am:

    Thanks Stone & Matt – I was hesitant to ask on fear of sounding like a troll.. My knowledge of guns is VERY limited.. other than being shot hurts like (*^@#$.

    (My corset doesn’t get laced till the end of the month.. So Captcha will have to wait!)

    Maven reply on October 2nd, 2009 8:46 pm:

    If you’re raised right with guns, all firearms ~potentially~ have a round in the chamber and are handled as such, empty or not. Even if Daddy keeps the ammo in the sock drawer. It’s just good sense.
    (Daddy was (is forever?) a Marine)


    Shadowydreamer reply on October 2nd, 2009 11:07 pm:

    I may be an ignorant Canadian, but even I know .. once a marine, ALWAYS a marine. :)

  16. Alexandra Says:

    Unfortunately, I’m a student, so I’m not big on money for toys. So, I’ve only got two pocket knives, a baseball bat I know how to handle and very sharp ‘kitchen knives’ that I don’t exactly use for cooking, if you know what I mean.
    And echoing TheShadowCat, your wife, is pregnant, hormonal, and moody and has weapons within easy reach, and you’re only out of range because she snores? WTF are you thinking?!?!


  17. Sequoia Says:

    All I need are some spoons and Frank (my piece of 3 or 4 foot long pvc pipe). Occasionally the ax.


  18. Mike Says:

    You need to thank the Gods that her affliction is just snoring. She could also have gastric malfunctions all night. Yes, I mean farts, Then you would be awake while suffocating. Pregnant farts are really bad. Never walk into a small air tight room with a pregnant woman. Unless you want to be dissolved by room air.


  19. CCO Says:

    Then, there’s the really adventurous pregnancies as discussed on See The Body Odd’s discussion of TLC’s program I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

    AKA: Life is still stranger than you think.


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