Lessons Learned
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I thought about this before I read a recent post of Skippy’s. Actually, I thought about something similar a while back (see the entry on boiling gasoline). This is an attempt to remember and pass on my own lessons learned the hard way.
- Dogs and people both die. Love them anyway and be nice to them when you can so you don’t regret it when they die.
- Always wear long pants. This is because white athletic socks can get snagged on barbed wire electric fences. This is bad because you can wind up face down trying not to get shocked. There are also briars out there; also, it’s gross when hogs sniff your bare legs.
- It’s better to put feed on the ground and lead a hog to where you need it to go than to get behind it and beat it with a stick. This may be applicable to people as well; said application is probably more complex.
- “Pick up leaves, children. Pick up leaves.” I’m going to generalize this saying to: we should be productive and not let valuable resources go to waste.
- Lightning is bad. So is pumpernickel bread. I group these together because my daddy was afraid of lightning and refused to eat pumpernickel bread. He wasn’t afraid of a whole lot and ate almost everything else–including pig’s feet.
- So you don’t want to cut the grass. “What’s wanting to do with it?”
- Bad jobs put off only get worse. (Didn’t say I obeyed all these rules.)
- I’m sure I have no clue what Heaven is like, but it must it some way resemble being four years old and having nothing to do but play in the yard.
- Never do anything half way.
- Conan the Barbarian famously said something to the effect (as in no, I’m not tracking down a copy of the novel) that the best thing in life is to see your enemies dead at your feet and to hear them being mourned. I myself prefer them dead than me, but I also think a better thing is to listen to your spouse snoring and watch your children sleeping.
- Remember the lesson General Sherman taught the South: it’s better to fight your wars in someone else’s backyard.
- Going to the doctor early is better and cheaper than later (coughs are cheaper than bronchitis which is cheaper than pneumonia)
- If you don’t know how to get home “this way”, then don’t let someone try to drive you home “this way”–go the way you know. You can get very lost going someway you ALMOST know.
- On the other hand, go home a different way every now and then. It makes for a more interesting drive.
- Every time you look at a credit card remember the lesson of the mouse trap: There’s no free lunch.
- Cordelia Naismith Vorkosigan taught Miles this rule: “If you choose an action, you choose the consequences of the action.” I’m sure my mother told me something similar, but probably more specific, such as, “Do your homework.”
- The old rule about saving your computer work every fifteen minutes is still good.
- People make mistakes. If people didn’t make mistakes, some of us would not have jobs.
- People don’t like it if you splash them with concentrated acid.
- People don’t like it if you almost splash them with acid, particularly in the face.
- If you wake up in the middle of the night with a headache, take something. If you don’t, you’ll wake up in the morning with a worse headache.
- If you have pets and children, you will have drama.
- Fish can survive for over a minute out of the water.
- Tired dogs are well behaved; so are tired children. Get large dogs and fence in the back yard or at least walk them together.
- DO NOT kill your wife’s horrible boss or annoying co-worker. It’s almost certainly illegal and immoral, and her net stress will be increased. She’s just venting. (Not mine, per se.)
- Don’t try to defraud your insurance company by burning your house down; particularly don’t remove relatively trivial items to a friend’s house prior to committing arson with copious amounts of gasoline. (My neighbor was arrested in about 72 hours.)
- Do not boil gasoline by accident–such as on the engine case of a lawnmower.
- Don’t brake IN a curve unless your last name is Andretti or Petty; perhaps anti-lock brakes have made this rule obsolete.
- A 60-watt bulb can keep your dog or your water pump from freezing. (Okay, so almost everyone has county water, but still…)
- The four leadership factors are: the leader, the led, the situation, and communication. Always communicate to your spouse to make sure that you said what you thought you told them (like the check you wrote yesterday on the joint account). Co-workers the same (like the boss came by looking you).
- What did I l learn in the Army? Do it now! What else? You probably have no idea what you’re capable of.
- Rule #1 applies to you.
- Life is unfair. This actually is to your advantage. Position yourself to take advantage of it.
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September 3rd, 2009 at 6:51 am
Wait wait, don’t tell me… farmer right?
So was it you or someone you know that ended up face-down in a briar patch with hogs sniffing your legs? Or are those three separate incidents?
Captcha: lambskin about, is this a new kind of condom?
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CCO reply on September 3rd, 2009 7:00 am:
It was I that got caught by my sock on the barbed wire fence. I didn’t get shocked if I touched the ground, only if I touched a piece of junk metal sticking out of the ground. My dad came and unhooked me. My uncle was the farmer.
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September 3rd, 2009 at 9:38 am
So, does this make you the Robert Fulgham of Skippy’s List?
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CCO reply on September 3rd, 2009 9:49 am:
If you stipulate that Skippy’s list requires an adult, perhaps.
I really want someone (else) with ant-lock brakes to help with #28.
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Matt reply on September 3rd, 2009 3:11 pm:
It works okay with anti-lock brakes, but not really well when the road is really wet and the curve banked kind of funny…
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CCO reply on September 7th, 2009 5:00 pm:
Wired.com says they took a Ford Fusion Hybrid through “a freeway cloverleaf at 60 and the 17-inch tires didn’t even squeal.”
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:50 am
Add to the list:
stand well back when the dog whizzes on the live electric fence. So long as you are far enough back when the bugger takes off over the field it is frickin hilarious.
Accept the goats are more intelligent than you (to my australian friend who sent them back one week after getting them)
Never ever get in the way of a heifers tail when she is being milked, it hurts.
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September 3rd, 2009 at 10:23 am
I thought only cows could lactate, not heifers (just to be pedantic).
(speaking of pedantic, Captcha wants umlauts?)
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September 3rd, 2009 at 11:31 am
Here’s one:
If you know you’re doing something the right way, don’t switch to doing it the way somebody else just told you because they will inevitably come back in five minutes and tell you that you’re doing it wrong.
Captcha: 5 1/2 Gaffes – if that’s all the mistakes I make today I’ll be a happy man
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CCO reply on September 3rd, 2009 4:20 pm:
That’s the truth (to both)!
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September 3rd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
You do not own a cat, you co-habitate with a cat.
Cat Anatomy-They have five pointy ends and they can all be applied simultainously to a single target.
Do not be the guy yelling “Hey guys, watch this!”. Be the guy with the camera.
Helmets are good. Doubley so when explosives are invloved.
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Raven Prometheus reply on September 3rd, 2009 4:10 pm:
If you’re close enough, all the helmet is good for is carrying your head in. :D
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Stonewolf reply on September 3rd, 2009 5:44 pm:
On the head or carrying, either way its a brain bucket. ;) Incidentally, a standard issue PASGAT will deflect a near direct hit with a round from those firework cake thingies.
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Anonymous and STILL Employed reply on September 4th, 2009 4:36 am:
“If cats looked like frogs, we’d all realise what evil, selfish bastards they are.”
Lords and Ladies
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September 3rd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
#29, Be careful with that 60 watt bulb, they might acuse you of using harsh interrogation techniques and making your dog suffer sleep deprivation.
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CCO reply on September 3rd, 2009 4:27 pm:
Yeah, like dog’s can’t sleep in broad daylight.
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Matt reply on September 3rd, 2009 6:40 pm:
I know, but it’s not about the truth, it’s how you spin the story.
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September 3rd, 2009 at 5:04 pm
#10, it’s “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.” I’m pretty sure it was only in the movie, though.
…I have no idea why I know this, I’ve never been in to Conan.
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John Stephens reply on September 3rd, 2009 7:45 pm:
The original quote was attributed to Gengis Khan, and was considerably more graphic with regard to the handling of captured womenfolk.
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September 3rd, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Huh. 31 applies to band too.
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September 3rd, 2009 at 8:47 pm
It’s considerably easier to plow around the stump
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September 5th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Cats are really just little women in cheap fur coats.
Cordelia Naismith Vorkosigan was a tuff bitch…and would have been the coolest MOM ever!
Conan was right.
Famous last words: Hold my beer and watch this.
A good dog and a good friend are two things everyone should have at least once in life.
captcha = Baltimore granular…new form of coke/weed?
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September 8th, 2009 at 5:33 am
#13 – never follow my wife’s directions unless you have a lot of time and nowhere to be as she still can’t tell her left from her right. The trip is always interesting.
#16 – when my nephew was 6 and got in big trouble for one of his death defying acts, he told my sister that the it was worth the punishment. He now works for the FBI and I sleep well at night in that knowledge.
#28 – let off the gas going into the turn & press back down about halfway thru.
#31 – a corollary is never ask permission when you know the answer is ‘no.’ KP ain’t so bad, even in the field. There’s a finite number of crappers to scrub and someone’s gotta do it.
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