This was sent to me by a longtime reader. The same guy responsible for this mess earlier in the year.
I just got a mild kick out of seeing another culture’s old jokes, and decided to share it. Also I leave for GenCon in the morning and need to pack still, so this saves me the effort of writing something.
Short analysis of WWII Tactics
Standard task – Attacking a hill defended by an enemy infantry company
Germany, early and mid-war:
An hour before sunrise a battalion of troops has breakfast and prepares to attack. At dawn the hill is softened by dive-bombers and battalion mortars, then infantry moves in, throws grenades, charges into the trenches. By afternoon the Germans have already built their own defensive positions on the hill.
Germany, end of the war:
Because there is no gas for the dive-bombers and the battalion has 47 men remaining (including three HitlerJugend kids and two VolkSturm men who didn’t take part in WWI because of poor health), the attack fails. The attempt to reinforce the the battalion with a tank company fails because one of the tanks had engine trouble, two were destroyed by enemy bombers on the move, and the last one started to advance, but was knocked out.
A cavalry squadron charges the hill and goes down in a hail of bullets.
The troops retreat across the nearest sea and start the naval blockade.
USA in Europe:
A regiment moves near the hill, and the hill is bombarded by 150 strategic bombers for two weeks. Sometimes they miss and hit their own troops. In two weeks the remaining battalion occupies the giant crater.
USA in the Pacific:
An island (10 sq.mi) is attacked by five battleships, four heavy carriers, and 150 supporting ships. After three days of bombardment, the troop transports enter the bay that used to be Japanese fortifications and land everything needed to take the island: Marines, beer, and a movie theater.
USSR, early war:
The regiment assigned for the attack is disorganized because of air strikes, so it starts the attack three hours too late and attacks by companies. The retreat order is late by eight hours, the remains of the regiment (about a hundred men) go into the forest, form a partisan unit from the locals, and the Germans have to keep that company on the hill for the next 3 years.
The regiment assigned for the attack is disorganized because of contradictory orders, so it starts the attack three hours too late and attacks by companies. The retreat order is never comes, after the regiment is wiped out the hill is attacked by three penal battalions. By the third battalion Germans run out of ammo and remaining convicts take the hill in fierce hand-to-hand combat.
USSR, late war:
The hill is bombarded by dive bombers, then heavy artillery, then Katyushas. The battalion assigned for the attack, along with supporting tanks and SP guns, finds only a smoldering plain where the hill was supposed to be. The commanders bitch about being given the wrong maps again and decide to take another hill 5 miles to the west, punching through the second line of German defenses. Everyone gets awarded.
Italy, early war:
After losing all tanks in a frontal assault, an Italian regiment surrenders to the defenders. Mussolini asks Germans for help (see above).
Due to horrible cold (2 degrees below freezing), Italians don’t attack. Then the entire battalion surrenders to a Soviet scout platoon.
Italy, late war:
While Italians try to figure out if they’re supposed to attack, some of them are disarmed by the Axis, some by the Allies, and the rest go home.
Plan the attack until the Germans get tired of it and attack them.
Japan, early war:
Soldiers with bayonets fixed and officers with swords drawn do a human wave assault on the hill. The English shoot a couple volleys and retreat across the nearest sea.
Japan, late war:
Soldiers with bayonets fixed and officers with swords drawn do a human wave assault on the hill. American sentries start shooting at them, they are supported by American company HMGs, battalion mortars, regimental howitzers, battleships and heavy bombers. None of the Japanese make it past the barbed wire.
Romanians, Bulgarians, etc.:
Massive desertions after rumors about an attack order.
Translated by Daniil