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Healthy People Are Freaks

May 7th, 2009 by Minty

Seriously. Every single one of them needs to have their head examined.

Before any of you start rattling off statistics at me, allow me to explain. I’m not talking about people who purposely avoid food that make your arteries break down and cry. I’m well aware that one meal alone at your local Crack in the Box is enough to kill an entire herd of elephants.

Nor am I talking about moving your body until you work up a fine sweat, rather than just getting off the couch and waddling over to the refrigerator (although, and let’s be honest here, a lot of Americans do work up a sweat doing that these days).

I’m talking about the perspective healthy people have about getting and staying healthy.

All this became apparent to me when I, myself, decided it was time to get healthy. Now, I’m not writing this to receive your praise or catalog the calories I burned in one afternoon. I consider this whole “lose weight and get fit” business my own and no one else’s. I’m only bringing it up here because, well, I want some answers, damnit. Someone please, please explain the reasoning behind a few of the comments I’ve gotten from friends who’ve noticed my sudden lack of Hostess Cupcake intake.

Food:

Just to clarify, I like all food, so the idea of cutting unhealthy food out of my diet isn’t so nerve-wracking as it might be to some. In other words, I have been known to eat rice cakes of my own free will. My problem is that I eat six of them in one sitting.

“Isn’t oil and vinegar on your salad boring? They make Ultra-Lite Lo-Cal Non-Fat We-Dumped-A-Ton-Of Sugar-In-It-So-It-Tastes-Good Ranch for dieters, you know.”

“Lettuce is just a vehicle for salad dressing.”

“Why don’t you buy those bags of pre-shredded lettuce? I get tired watching you do it by hand.”

“Fruit is so bad for you!”

“Milk? Do you realize how unhealthy that is? If you’re worried about your calcium intake, why don’t you just take supplements?”To be fair, I did do extensive research about this issue. Guess what? Organic skim is perfectly safe. Did my friend believe me? No. . .

“Just eat power bars—you don’t have to put any thought into it, and they’re the healthiest food available.”—Dirt tastes better than power bars.

“Hey, I’m on the way to the supermarket, and I saw t-bones were on sale. You want me to pick you up a few while I’m there? You can’t beat beef for protein! For gods’ sake, it’s only 32 oz.”

“Is that salmon? What, are you Catholic, now?”—From my Catholic father. To be fair, I think he was trying to be funny.

“What’s that, water? Why don’t you have some Gatorade instead? It replenishes your electrolytes.”

“You should do that no-carb diet! You can eat a pound of bacon and still lose weight!”

“You should look into getting one of those gastric bands. So much easier than dieting.”—From my skinny mother, who I swear secretly wanted me to be a teenage anorexic.

Exercise:

My biggest problem with the following is that, aside from one or two who are physically impaired, my friends are supposed to be so gung-ho about being active. Insert whining where appropriate.

“It’s a nice day. We should do something outside. . . hiking? No, I don’t want to go hiking. Let’s go see a movie.”

“Skiing? Isn’t it dangerous? Oh, no? Um, well. . . you know, I think I’m too old to go skiing.”—He’s 40.

“It’s so far to walk downtown! Let’s take the bus.”—It’s a 20 minute walk and all downhill.

“Why don’t you join a gym?”—In response to various things, but mostly when asking for ideas for free ways to exercise. I’m cheap. I also got it once when complaining that I get bored very easily at gyms because there’s nothing but exercising to focus on, which discourages me from going. Oh, and they smell.

“Sweating? Ew.”

This last scenario is the most confusing to me:

My one friend alternates bike riding and jogging every day, and as such is pretty fit. I, on the other hand, am in terrible shape and smoke like a chimney. Nevertheless, whenever we walk home from the downtown area (about a mile up a moderately steep hill), he’s acting like his lung just collapsed, whereas I’m only slightly out of breath.

So, based on the above examples, I can but draw one of two conclusions—either I’m missing something, or healthy people are all wackjobs. Is that what’s going to happen to me? Maybe I should just stay fat. It’s easier being fat. See a cheesecake, eat the cheesecake, feel guilty about the cheesecake, have some chocolate to boost endorphins, be happy. None of this “it’s actually healthy, because the strawberry topping has antioxidants in it” shit.

Ah, fuck it. Ending up a chain email horror story isn’t my idea of a good time. Self-delusion, here I come!

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79 Responses to “Healthy People Are Freaks”

  1. Phelps Says:

    Electrolytes are what plants crave.

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 8th, 2009 4:21 am:

    Oh, god! You’re one of them! Leave me alone before you get me all covered in stupid.

    Reply

    ashley reply on May 8th, 2009 4:32 am:

    welcome to cosco, I love you

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 11th, 2009 4:48 am:

    Ahhh! I need the time machine!

    Reply

    Kurt reply on November 5th, 2010 10:00 am:

    It’s spelled Musheen, duh.

  2. HardNose Says:

    Gatorade is only good for you WHILE YOU’RE EXERCISING. It has a lot of sugar in it, to keep you going. Water is best after exercising or during periods of low to moderate activity. No, I’m not one of the whack jobs, justv educated.

    Reply

    Tony reply on May 8th, 2009 8:49 am:

    I could never drink Gatorade (or Powerade or whatever) while exercising. At least my body just will not absorb the stuff fast enough to keep me hydrated, so I would just end up with a whole bunch of the stuff sloshing around in my gut as I try to work out while dehydrated. Puking Gatorade is not a happy fun past time for me…

    Now, for serious sweating, sufficiently diluted Gatorate might be a good idea and that I’ve occasionally done when expecting a longer period of activity during a hot day, for example. Besides, plain old water gets real boring, having a little taste in it helps me drink enough to keep hydrated.

    (…Damn. Now after I’ve sounded off like some sort of an expert on all matters regarding exercising, I suppose I should start doing it again and try to decrease the size of my gut… :P )

    Reply

    Pte Walker reply on May 12th, 2009 11:36 am:

    For me, when I’m sweating exausted and dehydrated theres nothing I love more than slighly warm, salty water, no added salt mind, just that taste you get with warm tap water. Screw the health propaganda and they’re false promises! Lol, drink water, you’ll live longer…if your into that

    Reply

  3. Billy Says:

    I perfer the “try to drink diet soda instead of regular, and walk more often” version of getting healthier, it seems to work, a little.

    captcha monte pottiest, the new Monte Python!

    Reply

    ashley reply on May 8th, 2009 4:37 am:

    cept the part where the fake sugar and empty calories in diet soda actually makes you want to eat more to make up for the lost calorie intake.. just eat in moderation and walk more. and eat an apple before you eat a full meal, you feel fuller and dont eat as much during the meal itself.
    drink less soda.. make it a treat, you can only have one a day/week whatever floats your boat with that one.

    Reply

    Billy reply on May 8th, 2009 9:19 am:

    I would, except for unknown reasons, apples make me hungry, soda makes me feel full (even diet), and water does nothing to hydrate me, ironic, I know. Now try to figure out how the hell I got through Basic Military Training drinking only juice, pretending to drink water when told to hydrate, and still not pass out from dehydration. I always found that funny, I would be running, watching the water guzzlers pass out from not getting enough water, and I would keep on going.

    Reply

    Kurt reply on May 13th, 2009 9:17 am:

    It would take an enormour amount of soda to float a boat, therefore I will continue to drink it at a rate of 2 cases/week.

    Reply

  4. paula Says:

    I vote for the ‘healthy people are wackjobs’ option.

    One of my sisters is uber-healthy: an exercising, sugar-avoiding healthy-eating vegetarian. You know the four food groups? Protein, dairy, grains, fruits & veggies? This healthy sister would be one who once expounded on the four TRAVELING food groups: apparently when you’re on the road, the food groups are salt, sugar, coffee and donuts!

    captcha: eroded Hilary — what happened when Hilary decided to cut her food intake

    Reply

  5. StoneWolf Says:

    No no, heathy people aren’t wack jobs. Ok, we are, but not because of the health thing. What you’re dealing with are the over-reaction to a very unfit population. The Organic-Vegan-weird diet people. Healthy people, the real ones, eat meat, veggies, dressing if you like that stuff, soda, chips etc. We just eat less of it and also happen to work out more. Last night I sat around watching TV and eating chips and soda. Last weekend I hiked a mountain with no problem. The trick is, avoid the worst stuff, eat what you want in modest proportion, and excersize. Oh, and decide how healthy you want to be. That helps. I’m 6-0 and can almost make 160 on a good day. By buddy is 5-8 and 170. We’re both pretty healthy, but just built different. If you want to be able to do a three hour hike in an hour and fifteen minutes, eat like me. If you want to be able to do the same hike in a day, figure out what it’ll take to do that. Find what works for you and ignore the uber-healthy organic vegans who, by the way, are often badly anemic because they don’t replace the protien their veggie diet lacks. Because nine for ten, these so called “healthy” diet people are on fad diets and have not idea what they are talking about.

    Reply

    Cris Picado reply on May 8th, 2009 5:44 am:

    I dunno about the wackjobs thing. Seriously…I see some people just be frigging moronic. They order a Fuddruckers Big Ass Burger with no bun, a salad with bacon and light ranch and a diet coke. WTF!! Personally I started trying to get healthy for three reasons. 1) I was unhappy being a fat ass after I got out of the Army and 2) Wanted to look good nekkid and lastly 3) Health reasons. I had borderline high blood pressure and all.

    For me I needed to make a few changes. I set a goal…something small. I want to lose X amount of weight by three months. Start off small like 10 or 15 lbs at a time. When you do it…do it again. Repeat until you are down to something you are happy with. For me I did had to do this.
    * No more soda. I just don’t drink it. Water, Ice Tea, Lemonade and Arnold Palmer’s for me. If it’s not water then in moderation. Sugar is okay…too much bad.
    * Moderation in sweets. I can have Ben & Jerry’s. Ben & Jerry’s didn’t make me fat. Me doing too much of it did. So I can have some…I just don’t need to kill the whole thing in one sitting. I can have a few Oreos…once in a while. Junk food is a “sometimes food”.
    * Cut back on alcohol. It is a hard habit coming from the 3rd Alcoholic Criminal Rangers Regiment. A beer every once in a while is okay. For me I don’t drink at all unless I am at a party or something. Even then it’s just one or two
    * Exercise. Just do it. For me the gym was NOT the answer. I felt like a hamster doing the treadmill thing. Even with an iPod and a TV…I got bored. So what do you do? Something YOU like. For me it’s martial arts. I have in two years or so gone from 380 lbs or so to 280 lbs or so. I feel better, I look better.

    Bottom line take all the crap you hear and do what you think is best. Eat balanced. Veggies and fruit are good. Cook when you can rather than eat out. Don’t ban food. No foods are evil. Just some you don’t need as much all the time as others. Get active. Do something you enjoy and it doesn’t matter what…run, bike, skip, hop, karate, Hashing, hiking, whatever.

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 8th, 2009 11:55 am:

    Hmm, you said what I was trying too, but better. Stupid language skills. About the Big Ass Burger, I was at “Insert Fast Food Store Here” and ordered a burger, “just the meat, cheese and lettuce please.” I don’t like pickles or onions and that crap. It never occured to me that I had to specify I actually wanted the bun too, so I had to go back up and get one. The funny thing is, though I am slim, I’m still decent sized for my height (6-0/160). People at work think I’m anorexic or something just because I don’t gorge myself at lunch. Overeating actually makes me feel really bad and sickish for a couple to three hours.

    Captcha: English hunger-perversly appropriate

    Reply

    Cris Picado reply on May 8th, 2009 12:04 pm:

    I agree Stonewolf. Since I been starting this “diet” when I can’t eat crap food or gorge myself like I use to. I went to this place that has these GIANT sized burgers…seriously…like a whole friggin cow on a bun…anyhow I use to be able to polish off a couple of the “regular sized” ones or about a dozen “small ones” which are the size of a normal burger. Now…I can’t I eat a quarter to half of a “regular” and I am stuffed the rest of the day and maybe sick because of all the grease and crap. Basically I can’t eat like I use to and like you people are wondering why I am not “eating like them”.

    Kurt reply on May 13th, 2009 9:21 am:

    My favorite when I worked at a movie theater was the people who ordered the five gallon bucket of popcorn with enough butter flavored oil to lubricate the engine of a 747 and the bladderbuster size diet coke. I sorely wanted to inform these waddling masses that the two don’t cancel out, but I liked my job because it meant free movies.

    Reply

    Tony reply on May 13th, 2009 10:18 am:

    Eh. I often have a diet Coke when I’m eating pizza for lunch. A) The pizza might not be healthy but a pizza plus sugar-based soda is still more calories (and more sugar – I tend to do a wee bit too much of that stuff :P ) than a pizza and a sugar-free soda. B) A regular Coke is just too damn sweet for my tastes. Now, if pizza places here would regularly have Dr Pepper, that would be a different issue. :D

    Kurt reply on May 13th, 2009 6:18 pm:

    I’m guessing though that you’re not one of the waddling masses. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no toothpick. I’m 6′ and about 250 lbs. I’m not fat but I have a bit of a gut. But if you’re really intent on losing weight, then maybe cut back on the pseudobutter a little bit. And maybe just get one uber-bucket of popcorn to split with your spouse instead of one each. As a disclaimer, There’s nothing wrong with being fat. Maybe it’s a medical thing, maybe you have poor metabolism or whatever. It just entertained me when people would get the denial value meal.

  6. Jordan Says:

    Eh I prefer the ‘go back to Iraq’ method.

    Go someplace where all there isn’t alot to do besides go to the gym, work, sleep and eat……..Makes me want to avoid soda due to dehydration, and gets me wanting to add muscle/burn fat beacuse I hate getting worn out in the 145 degree heat.

    Got me to go from 5’10 and 199 lbs down to 175lbs and damn near cut.

    Reply

    Minty reply on May 8th, 2009 9:18 am:

    I’m too fat to enlist :(

    Reply

    paula reply on May 9th, 2009 8:28 am:

    I’m too mean…. Geneva-convention-forbidden mean.

    Reply

    Chuck reply on May 13th, 2009 11:41 pm:

    “Eh I prefer the ‘go back to Iraq’ method.”

    Have you been here lately? Hory clap, Batman! I’ve never seen so much food in one place at one time. Fill your plate. Want more? Here you go!

    Pretty much everyone is riding around in air-conditioned MRAPs, and as the mission draws down the number of folks humping around outdoors every day continues to drop. It’s a crisis response if the A/C in any building, including hooches, quits. Fast food restaurants abound…pizza, burgers, fried chicken, donuts, you name it, many open 24 hours a day.

    This ain’t your daddy’s diet deployment anymore! If you want to lose weight here these days, it will take just as much (maybe more!) willpower as it does back home. You can still lose weight here (I have, a little) but it takes focus and control.

    C

    Reply

    Minty reply on May 14th, 2009 10:18 am:

    Yeah, but don’t you just have to drink the local water and you lose about 20lbs in a week?

    Reply

    Chuck reply on May 14th, 2009 10:33 pm:

    Well, that IS a technique. Not a recommended one, but it will work. The trick is to stay away from the medics until you have lost the desired amount of weight, without staying away so long that you require hospitalization or embalming. It’s a balancing act, but if you feel lucky (and fat)…roll the dice!

    C

  7. Tim Covington Says:

    F@#$ healthy. To me, it’s a choice between dieing early and happy, or dieing old and miserable. I don’t want to live long enough that I can’t take care of myself and forget who my loved ones are. There is something to be said for quality over quantity of life.

    Reply

    Billy reply on May 8th, 2009 5:58 pm:

    To quote Dennis Leary, “You know, smoking take ten years off your life. Well its the ten worst years isn’t it! Its the ones at the end!”

    Reply

  8. Jim A Says:

    â??Isnâ??t oil and vinegar on your salad boring? They make Ultra-Lite Lo-Cal Non-Fat We-Dumped-A-Ton-Of Sugar-In-It-So-It-Tastes-Good Ranch for dieters, you know.â? I have to dispute this, that low fat salad dressing still tastes like crap even though the main ingreedient is corn syrup. Once I discoverd that, I decided to go back to the real stuff.

    captcha: weaning 20 I think 19 is a little old for breast feeding, at least if they’re your moms. bleh bleh bleh.

    Reply

  9. Maj Mac Says:

    Had a buddy of mine lose a nice gut by simply dropping any soft drinks in favor of water. After that he started working out and eventually found he still had abs.

    I wouldn’t mind seeing my abs again before I die. But aren’t Army Majors supposed to have a bit of belly?

    Reply

  10. Speed Says:

    Actually it’s all a govt plot – put your tinfoil hats on everyone. Back in ’94 or ’95 the USA went on the “UN standard” for determining bodyweight and percentage of bodyfat. For example: I’m 6’1″ and I am overweight at 205lb.s, and obese at 226 lb.s, compared to a starving Indian, Bangladeshi, Somali, etc.

    The army has to play by these rules, so I’m officially a fat bastard as I average about 230 – nevermind that I max the PT test every time I take it – and barely make tape.

    The US population IS heavier, but not as much as the govt would have you believe. They ignore the fact that the average height of Americans is taller than it was in years past, plus the WWII generation was considered to be malnurished due to the Great Depression.

    I pump weights in the AM and do cardio in the PM. I drink water and have cut out most carbs. At this point I say do what you want because doing the “right thing” hasn’t done jack for me.

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 8th, 2009 12:01 pm:

    Thats a good point about comparing average weight around the world with the US. It doesn’t work as we are better fed (partially leading to the current discussion). I had a buddy just fail the Air Force physical because he was “overweight”. He’s about 5-9, don’t know how much he weighs but he’s built like a giant Dwarf (I know, I know, don’t say it). The point is he is stocky, but in the muscle and bone, not lard way. So he fails. Now he’ll have to lose muscle mass or something to pass the physical, which is stupid. Somebody’s “right” weight is not a number, but the weight at which you are healthy. Beanpoles are just as unhealthy as whales.

    Reply

    TeratoMarty reply on May 8th, 2009 1:54 pm:

    I get exactly what you mean about a “giant dwarf.” All torso, little arms and legs, right? My kid brother is built like a humongous toddler. He’s six foot two, and about half of it is forehead.

    Reply

    BlueCanuck reply on May 9th, 2009 7:32 am:

    Back in my day, almost twenty years now, up here in the Canadian army they used to preach the gospel of BMI. Hated that system. I was a little chunky mind you, could have stood to lose a few pounds. According to the BMI chart at 5’10” and 182 pounds I was overweight. According to the scale I should have weighed 170. Try arguing that with the medics and stuff. Scary thing is that now I am two hundred pounds. A bit older but with no health problems really. Starting to walk more so should melt that stuff off in no time.

    (eat less walk more. Diet is die with a t.)

    Reply

    Cat reply on May 9th, 2009 10:57 pm:

    and it doesn’t account for different bone masses. I’m actually big boned, at least when compared with my sister, but I have a great deal less fat, though neither of us are seriously over weight. Almost of all of my “extra” weight is weight that I literally cannot lose. At least I’ve never heard of any safe way to lose bone mass, and to weigh what I they say I should my other option is anorexia. Which now that I think about it would get rid of bone mass as well.

    Reply

    TehLurker reply on May 16th, 2009 2:41 pm:

    Here, here. I’m 5’4″ and built such that I look *damn* good at 180lb. According to the medical community, I’m supposed to be 150lb.

    Uh-huh.

    Reply

    compgrokker reply on November 3rd, 2010 4:24 pm:

    Same, I’m 5’3″-ish and 155-160lbs, which is considered ‘overweight’, but most of my weight is muscle mass. My mom is the same way, she never got below 150lbs, and she used to work out like crazy when she was my age (20’s). I’m actually trying to keep my weight under control now, I was losing, lost 20-30lbs, and I think I’m at a decent weight now. All I do is just move around as much as I can at work, I happen to live in a 2nd floor apartment which helps, I don’t stuff my face, and I keep soda/sugar/non-whole-wheat breads/pastas to a minimum. Back when I was 19 I’d actually gotten down to 130lbs, but despite that being the ‘optimal weight’ for my height (going by BMI), I started feeling constantly slightly unwell until I put on 10lbs or so. So yeah, BMI is BS, it’s more about what weight makes you look and feel best, imo.

    David B reply on March 5th, 2014 5:26 pm:

    Hell, my 11 year old sister is around 4’6″-4’8″ and can’t even be over 120 soaking wet, and she is considered “overweight!” Yeah, she’s so overweight, you can see her goddamn ribs!

    Reply

    David B reply on March 5th, 2014 5:29 pm:

    Sorry, mistake. I have two sisters, 11 and 15. The one I’m talking about is 15.

    Reply

  11. TeratoMarty Says:

    I used to be roommates with a full-bore health food freak. Organic everything, supplements, that homeopathic crap, the whole nine yards. She was the most dried-out, scrawny, hair-falling-out wreck of a woman I’ve ever seen. She looked like Keith fucking Richards, and lectured me constantly on my eating habits. Which didn’t stop her mooching my food, I noticed.

    Reply

  12. Shadowydreamer Says:

    My brother turned 35 and decided to start running marathons. From there he decided triathalons are fun. I live vicariously through his insanity. I eat what I want, when I want, and exercise to balance my calorie intake. I am happy. He is happily insane.

    Reply

  13. Chris Says:

    It’s fun watching the health/diet/supplement fads come and go. You’ve been around slightly longer than me, so you’ve likely seen even more of them.

    Meanwhile, the doctors will just tell you to eat moderate portions, try to eat more veggies, try to eat less freebased sugar, and to get more exercise.

    I have acquaintances who are gung-ho on supplements. As far as I can tell, these amount to a fancy marketing scam (convincing you that you have a problem, then selling you a product that allegedly fixes said problem). Promising to “detoxify” you is my favourite marketing line, with “giving you more energy” being the second. Medical and/or measurable claims, on the other hand, are suspiciously absent.

    Reply

    TeratoMarty reply on May 8th, 2009 1:51 pm:

    Ah, yes, the “detox” scam. One of my friends swears by homeopathic ayurvedic (trademarked, expensive) detox formulas. I asked her for the biological basics: what are the toxins? Are we talking urea, lactic acid, what? Don’t we get rid of all that by pissing, anyway? Of course, she couldn’t tell me.

    The bad news for all y’all veterans: she works at a VA hospital.

    Reply

    Stickfodder reply on May 8th, 2009 3:12 pm:

    I don’t use supplements. I just keep a well balanced diet. Works just as well. But then again I just plain can’t take some supplements because they might give me kidney stones.

    Reply

    Courtney reply on May 8th, 2009 8:48 pm:

    Personally, I think the “detox” scams are right up there with auditing the engrams in Scientology.

    Reply

    johnny reply on May 10th, 2009 6:49 am:

    I love freebasing sugar
    im the type who eats everything works out, marginally pt test once a year and im good and im still in what the army considers good shape. Im 6’2″ and 198 most i ever weighed was 209 and that was in iraq going to the gym for two and three hours a day.
    so yes i got lucky on the metabolism, I work a fairly active job, and eat what i like and feel good doing it
    but I have to say goodluck and dont listen to the other nutjobs find what works for you

    Reply

  14. GraveOne Says:

    what chease cake…..were!!!!!

    and yes Mr Skippy we like cheese cake…. join the dark side we have cookies and its nice to be fat :D…

    ok less meme’s I agree witht your point of getting in shape but sometimes you just have to eat the 32 oz T-Bone….

    Reply

  15. ash Says:

    I can honestly say I almost hit someone today, because the twiggy bleach blonde oompa loompa had the gall to tell me that I am fat because I was eating a ham sandwich and a cookie ” You wouldnt be so fat if you ate salads” … my coworkers grabbed my arms and half carried me out the back door. Side note here, I am 5’10”, 170lbs and my belly sticks out a little because I am pregnant!! Stupid oompa loompa bitch.. go back to the tanning bed and locate your brain before you speak again
    okay i feel better now

    Reply

    Freiheit reply on May 8th, 2009 5:01 pm:

    Aren’t you allowed to kill one person as a justifiable homicide while you’re pregnant?

    Reply

    ash reply on May 8th, 2009 5:09 pm:

    hmmm.. judging by the looks on the other customers faces, they were tempted to kill her for me. some of them actually know me and know of my condition.. not to mention my terrible temper. i actually did call her a freaky little oompa loompa wannabe as the boys were strugling to drag me out of the building. lucky for her, they ran to grab me when the chair i was in hit the floor behind me..

    Reply

    Minty reply on May 8th, 2009 5:38 pm:

    That and stabbing your husband with a fork when he tries to take the last piece of anything. Watching my step-sister-in-law while she was pregnant was way more fun than it should have been.

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 13th, 2009 6:41 am:

    My system of dealing with pregnant women. Lie low, wear carhart or leather (+AC), keep my Kpot handy (yes, I bought one after an fireworks “incident”), and keep my damn mouth shut! I have yet to suffer serious bodily harm with this system.

  16. tenhigh Says:

    Many people are just as idiotic about losing weight as they are about each and every portion of their lives.

    Me, I just cut out the fast food when I can and I drink my whiskey straight up instead of mixing it.

    I wasn’t actually going to say anything, but then this happened:
    Captcha- juicy Saunders- I can’t actually remember the last time anything of the Colonel’s products was “juicy”. Lardy, yeah. Juicy? No.

    Reply

  17. Susan Says:

    Reminds me of the time I was as a cafeteria for lunch, and the man behind me chose to comment on my choice of lemon meringue pie as a dessert. I was really hungry,and I went off on him. Fortunately, there were 2 police officers there having lunch also, so I didn’t hit him.

    Guys, make a note: never fool with a hungry woman unless you want to be hit by a 6 lb purse.

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 13th, 2009 6:45 am:

    6lbs? What do you have in there?

    Reply

    paula reply on May 13th, 2009 7:54 am:

    Shucks, some of the women I’ve known have carried purses bigger than luggage I’d use for a weeks’ vacation — and some gents STILL call us “the weaker sex”!

    Reply

    Kurt reply on May 13th, 2009 6:21 pm:

    Not too many still use that term though. Most of the ones who did have been beaten to death with 6lb purses.

    paula reply on May 14th, 2009 3:16 am:

    Death by purse: when some sweet little old granny smacks the sh** out of ya…..

    Susan reply on May 19th, 2009 5:49 pm:

    I carry my phaser and communicator, of course. And other technology I need to deal with your primitive civilization. Sorry, can’t go into detail. Prime Directive, you know.

    Reply

    Cally reply on May 22nd, 2009 11:33 pm:

    Your purse only weighs 6 pounds… how did you manage that? Mine weights at least 20!

    Reply

    David B reply on March 5th, 2014 5:33 pm:

    I’ve been waiting for an excuse to use this here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OIvuLVxkLw

    Reply

  18. Gunrunner Says:

    Eat a little less.

    Walk a little more.

    Laugh like you haven’t a care in the world. May not help with the weight…but you’ll feel a helluva lot better.

    Captch: were guzzled = lycanthropes on a drinking binge?

    Reply

    Minty reply on May 8th, 2009 7:37 pm:

    They’d have to–damn metabolism turning them into heavyweights. . . unlike me, hic! :D

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 13th, 2009 6:47 am:

    Ahh the glory of a werewolf kegger. Thirty wolves, at least 30 kegs. We recommend keeping your children and livestock secured for this, or they will be eaten.

    Reply

  19. Tekno Says:

    We took a sports nutrition seminar when I was with the combat engineers, and was doing some pretty hard running training. For all the Gatorade haters, there is a valid option available:

    Take any real fruit juice, and cut it half and half with water. Add a pinch of salt to help replace the salt you lost while sweating, and taadaa, you’ve made your own gatorade, without the added sugar, and at a much lower cost.

    Reply

  20. TheShadowCat Says:

    And it’s easier to chew.

    CAPTCHA – 8) weakened

    Reply

    TheShadowCat reply on May 9th, 2009 1:03 pm:

    Let’s try that again.

    Minty said:

    “Just eat power bars—you don’t have to put any thought into it, and they’re the healthiest food available.”—Dirt tastes better than power bars.

    I say:

    And it’s easier to chew.

    Reply

  21. dylan Says:

    Okay, i would consider myself a health freak. Well, not really if you think about it. Okay, when you eat cooked food, your body goes through a process called digestive leukocytosis, which means it attacks the food with white blood cells, thereby FUCKING your immune system. When you get stressed out, your body fucks its supply of vitamin C to produce cortisol + adrenaline. My general rule of thumb is this: I eat only raw foods. Sushi (no rice), veggies, nuts, seeds, fruits, etc. Its all good. I feel like im on drugs all the time i feel so good when i eat healthy. And i dont get sick. BUT I have been known to get really stoned and eat like a pound of mickey d’s. And then i feel like shit and get sick. Eating healthy isnt very hard, or expensive, and it does not require you to be a health “freak”. I see no reason to broadcast my dietary choices to anyone in my immediate vicinity, it just makes me look like a jackass. Stay healthy, skippers!
    (yes, i do believe i have just coined a new phrase for the userbase here.)

    Captcha: One-inch rustier. ITS THE POPES DICK LOLS

    Reply

    Minty reply on May 9th, 2009 11:38 pm:

    I’ve read a couple articles about this, and nowhere does it explain why this is dangerous to your body, or how severe the danger is (beyond the “leaving the rest of your body exposed! argument, which a) hasn’t been substantiated by evidence, b) is contradictory to the original research done in the 1930s showed an increase in white blood cell production (and the only danger is the immune system becoming confused and attacking its own body, which is extremely rare, btw), and c) offers no scientific evidence of how this can go wrong–i.e. number and types of infections contracted by people).

    Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that the diet you adhere to is, without a doubt, good for your body. However, I’m not entirely certain that it’s any better or worse than a sensible, well-rounded cooked diet, because, being a Doubting Thomas, I want solid research performed first that covers all the bases.

    Reply

    Kurt reply on May 13th, 2009 6:24 pm:

    I kind of like the sound of his diet though. Mainly because it’s an excuse to eat sushi.

    Reply

    Minty reply on May 13th, 2009 7:43 pm:

    Why do you need an excuse to eat sushi?

  22. Devil Doc Says:

    Minty?? marry me?????

    Reply

  23. dylan Says:

    how’s this: When you cook vegetables, more than 50% of the enzymes are completely destroyed, and a variable amount of vitamins destroyed by intense heat. I’m not saying you should go eat raw pork (DOOO IIIIT), but cooking your vegetables fucks them right up. Theyre supposed to be eaten raw, for maximum nutritional value. Oh, and the whole food pyramid thing is fucking bullshit, we shouldnt really be eating any grains or dairy products (or oils)

    Got you some info on digestive leukocytosis, seems reputable. Apparently the problem is, when you eat cooked food, the lack of enzymes makes your body do a shit job of digestion, so it sends down some enzyme-laden leukocytes (white blood cells) to finish it off, thusly temporarily increasing your susceptibility to illness. This does not contradict the evidence shown in the 30s showing an increase in white blood cell production, it actually substantiates it. I couldnt find any studies on exactly what your body uses to make white blood cells, but i am assuming the problem here is an avoidable deficiency in the vitamins your body makes white blood cells from.

    Oh, and you might be interested in some studies these scientists did in the 40’s on extremely high cancer cure rates (like 50%) using MASSIVE injections of vitamin C (up to 250 g a day). But the government tells us not to take it because well get “kidney stones.” I take like 25g a day, and have been for the last 5 years, never a single kidney stone. In fact, im a healthy pisser.

    Reply

    dylan reply on May 10th, 2009 1:19 pm:

    i find this ironic that i am writing this as i smoke a cigarette. Heh. *COUGH* *WHEEZE* *COUGH* heh.

    Reply

  24. Jinn Says:

    Fuck health nuts. I’m fat and happy. I enjoy eating- I don’t eat till I’m full- I eat until I don’t feel like eating anything else.

    I may be fat, but I can run a mile in 9 minutes or so, and lift my own body weight.

    Why should I give up eating what I want, and be miserable? If I really want to lose weight, I’ll keep the diet, and exercise enough to make up for it :P

    Captcha- fitziu Analysis- I think captcha thinks I need my head examined :P

    Reply

  25. Kristen Says:

    All I thought of with the “electrolytes” is that “But Brawndo is what plants crave. It’s got electrolytes.” Maybe Brawndo needs to become a real product in order for everyone to have no fertility issues, live for a fairly long time, and yet be able to eat all of the fried and unhealthy crap they want!

    Reply

  26. Cally Says:

    Okay I will be the first one to admit that I am fat and have tried to diet… I have tried the no carb diet (I NEED BREAD AND I NEED FRUIT AND VEGGIES TO LIVE) did not work so well and I have tried WW 3 times none worked too many points to eat in a day for me! I use to make myself sick trying to eat all of that junk in one day.

    I don’t eat food because it is healthy or unhealthy just because it tastes good… so I eat fruit, veggies, bread, a little meat but not much and some snack food. I do order diet pop with an unhealthy fast food meal mainly because they really don’t give you a lot of options and most of the time regular pop tastes too sweet (but yet I can drink sweet tea…).

    When it comes to weight that really is not everything as I had a really good friend in college who was probably about 5’8″ and over 200lbs but was in great shape. She put on most of her additional weight (with the except of what she carried on her chest) when she was injuried playing either basketball or soccor in high school screwing her knee up. Even with a bad knee and being a fat girl she could run 5 miles without a problem after swimming for an hour.

    Reply

  27. David B Says:

    I spend most of my day sitting on my ass in the locomotive cab, with nothing else to do except drink a *hell* of a lot of rootbeer because I can’t stand coffee (About 1 18oz per hour. Doesn’t sound like much, but consider I’m in that cab for up to 12 hours at a stretch) and eat quite a bit of food (I can go through 3 foot longs before my hours are up). I’m around 5’9″, 150lbs soaking wet, with a small belly.
    Yet, I can run a 5 minute mile, and bike three miles uphill without running out of breath, yet a buddy who has a gym membership and uses it three hours daily, is puffing like a steam train, and he calls me fat!

    Reply

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