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Homicidal Tendancies

March 31st, 2009 by LT Ronald

Having been in the military for quite a while I have heard some of the best “how I am going to kill you” lines out there. I am curious as to what some of yours are.

Some are cliche from some of our favorite movies:

I will gouge out your eyes and skull-fuck you to death.

I’m going to rip off your head and piss in your dead skull.

Some cover mass murder:

The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers.

Anything referring to My Lai

My personal favorites are:

I will murder you with the white hot rage of 1000 jealous OJ Simpsons.

I will beat you to death with a Nerf football.

I will stab you in the temple with a sharpened MRE spoon.

and my personal favorite:

There will be nothing left of you, but a strange smell in the trunk of my car.

 

What do you got?

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187 Responses to “Homicidal Tendancies”

  1. Vittles Says:

    “Imma shove that keyboard so far up your ass, you’re gonna taste it!”

    Reply

  2. Strange Says:

    I personaly like the skull fucking one. Just think how well that line works in HE-MAN.

    Reply

    steelcobra reply on April 1st, 2009 7:52 am:

    Robot Chicken, He-Man to Skelletor:
    “You know what you need? A good skull-fucking!”
    “Wh-wh-what!”

    Reply

  3. Stickfodder Says:

    “I’m gonna shove this crutch so far up your ass that you’ll be coughing up splinters!”
    People really shouldn’t piss me off when I have a broken leg.

    “…I could make a sword in the face look like an accident.”
    Mr. Blank from Sam & Fuzzy, comic 914, panel 5.

    But MAN I really expected something for April fools day from you skip! And am I ever glad to be wrong.

    Reply

  4. Lindsay Says:

    A conversation between me and a coworker about a decade ago:

    Them: When i’m done with them, there won’t be enough left to do a DNA test.
    Me: Can you DNA test a grease spot?
    Them: Yes.

    Reply

  5. HT1 Says:

    From another movie
    I will carve your heart out with a spoon.

    I will beat you to ddeath with my weak hand.

    Reply

    CCO reply on April 1st, 2009 8:07 am:

    “I’m going to cut his heart out with a spoon.” The sheriff of Nottingham, Robin Hood 1992 (Kevin Costner version). See ref.

    Reply

    Minty reply on April 1st, 2009 9:21 am:

    “Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe, or a–”

    “Because it’s dull, you twit. It’ll hurt more.”

    Reply

    Weatherbabe reply on April 4th, 2009 12:09 pm:

    Along the same lines as the spoon me and few friends always had fun with “I will stab you with a rusty spork”

    Reply

  6. Stonewolf Says:

    “I’m sending you to a better place soon. But between now and then, there will be pain.”

    “Back the fuck off or I will disapear you!”

    “I have a shotgun, a shovel, and 145 acres of the ass end of nowhere. Don’t test me.”

    My favorite though, was about me but I only overheard at the lunch table. We were discussing eliminating a hated fellow student.

    Student one: “Well, if we ever did kill we could just blame ‘stonewolf’.”

    Student two: “No that would never work. If ‘stonewolf’ ever killed anyone they’d never find the body. And if they did, it would look like someone else did it.”

    I’m reasonably sure that is a compliment.

    Reply

    paula reply on April 1st, 2009 11:13 am:

    on the bright side, at least ‘student two’ knows better than to ever tick you off!

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on April 1st, 2009 12:17 pm:

    Yeah. He was my roomate. We actually got along pretty well.

    Reply

  7. Jim A Says:

    I’m a fan calmly saying “They will never find the body.”

    Reply

  8. Ben Says:

    I’m gonna cut off your head and send it to your family in a popcorn bag

    I’ll stick your ass in a woodchipper

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 4th, 2009 11:20 am:

    Instead of a woodchipper, if you live on a farm just toss their ass in the silage pit. No one will ever find it. Trust me, a cow went missing for three years until the pit was moved and they found the skull.

    Reply

  9. SKD Says:

    One simple phrase:

    “Gator Alley, Your body”

    Reply

  10. Sicarius Says:

    I heard a long one that disturbed me. I thank the FSM that it wasn’t directed at me.

    One day, as you’re going about your normal day to day activities, someone will put a rag over your mouth. When you wake up, I will be busy jamming salt covered, lemon juice soaked and red hot needles under each and every one of your fingernails and toenails. There will be a boiling pan of oil nearby. I am going to skin you, flake by flake with a potato peeler, fry up the peelings, and make you eat them. It will be long and painful.

    Reply

    Stickfodder reply on April 1st, 2009 12:35 pm:

    That person would die of shock long before the feeding part.

    Reply

  11. James Cook Says:

    A friend of mine worked in the egress shop (ejection seats for B52 bombers). His favorite parting comment was “Make sure you check your chair for wires in the morning”.

    Reply

  12. Tim Covington Says:

    Go ahead and run. I want you to die tired.
    (Jokingly said by a friend who is former Marine Recon Scout Sniper)

    Reply

  13. Anna Says:

    “. . .betray us, and I will fong you, until your insides are out, your outsides are in, your entrails will become your ex trails I will w-rip… all the p… ung. Pain, lots of pain. . .”

    Though my personal favorite I got to hear every time I went out on a date,
    Daddy:”If she’s not back in time, and in exactly the same condition as she left. . . ”

    That was all he ever needed. :P

    Reply

    Phantom reply on April 1st, 2009 1:27 pm:

    …My dad threatens to get out the shotgun. He says I’ll be walking out the door and he’ll come out with it. “Hey, here’s that shotgun you said you’ve never seen!”

    Reply

    ShuttleZ reply on April 1st, 2009 5:28 pm:

    That “I’ll fong you” line, what movie is that from? It is so damn familiar but I can’t remember. For some reason, I’m thinking Firefly.

    My favourite is the line my brother gave to both his daughter’s boyfriends.

    “When you’re watching a movie or parked up somewhere secluded and things start to get a little hot and heavy I want you to remember something. Did you know that if you stab someone in the gut in the middle of winter outdoors, steam rises from the wound.”

    The one I gave, in the same circumstance – “I want you to remember something, I own a shotgun and I’m not afraid of going back to gaol”.

    And finally – “I won’t kill you. What would be the point? The lesson would be better learnt if I just cripple you. That way, every day you would remember what you did wrong.”

    My nieces say that we cramp their social lives……Good >:-)

    Captcha: still dreads – the current boyfriends when they hear I’m coming over.

    Reply

    stmercy reply on April 1st, 2009 7:57 pm:

    I’ll fong you comes from A Knight’s Tale starring Heath Ledger. Great fun, especially the medieval tournaments with Queen playing in the background…

    captcha: lecture compete… okay- so what’s the prize?!

    Reply

    ShuttleZ reply on April 1st, 2009 8:28 pm:

    That’s right! The actor is the same one that plays the pilot in Firefly/Serenity. I KNEW there was a link.

    jones reply on April 7th, 2009 6:10 am:

    the fonging is from A Knight’s Tale

    Reply

  14. ScotchDave Says:

    “We can do this the easy way, or the really easy way.”

    “Do you want me to send your parents or your wife your liver?”

    Reply

  15. SGT Hay Says:

    As an overprotective older brother, I told each and every one of my little sister’s significant others (including her now husband, my brother-in-law, who is by far the best of that bunch) the following:

    I won’t kill you, but I’ll make you beg for it.

    Reply

  16. Sean Beattie Says:

    “I live where the Mafia hides THEIR bodies. You don’t think I picked up a few things growing up?”

    Reply

  17. Schwal Says:

    Prospice tibi–ut Gallia, tu quoque in tres partes dividareis. (Watch out–you might end up divided into three parts, like Gaul (southern France).)

    Reply

  18. SPC Hyle Says:

    I will rape your ears until my dick is covered with your brains, you miserable excuse for flesh!

    Reply

  19. Billy Says:

    I got better, the song ex lover’s lover, by voltaire,
    “what if I were to cut you up and mail each part to a different town, it would take the most brilliant private eye, the rest of his life just to put you together, a piece in each mailbox all over the planet from moscow to tokyo to guatalahara!”

    as for me, I never have to say anything, I just tend to sing the above song and a song called “slaughter your world”,
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcbazH6aE2g
    I hope that gets through correctly.

    Reply

  20. Billy Says:

    “things told by parents: if life gives you lemons, make lemondade.
    “things learned from Sweeney Todd: If life gives you a**holes, make meat pies.”

    Reply

  21. Minty Says:

    “By the five Furies, if I was not a gentle woman, I would have you flayed, and hung from a bracket at the door!”–Rome, S.1

    Please take note of the following quotes; I think they prove I’m anything but a “gentle woman” ^.^

    “The only way you’re ever going to see me naked is when I skin you alive and nail your worthless hide to my bedroom wall.”–Me to my then-boyfriend, about two seconds before we broke up.

    “I’ll bury my foot so far up your ass you’ll be flossing with my shoelaces for a month.”

    “You’re over-thinking this. All you do is take a common fireplace poker, aim for the head, and then let the rage flow.”

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on April 1st, 2009 12:22 pm:

    I don’t know who was over thinking what, but I love your solution!

    Reply

    Minty reply on April 1st, 2009 1:57 pm:

    I honestly can’t remember what exactly was going on other than myself and a college roomate were hanging out on the stoop and she was going off about someone, saying the typical “I’m gonna take a screwdriver and then I’m gonna do this and then this. . .” To which I, in a pleasant whiskey-induced glow, said the above, complete with “smooth sailing” hand gestures.

    Reply

    Former Spc. 19K reply on April 3rd, 2009 7:57 am:

    “The only way you’re ever going to see me naked is when I skin you alive and nail your worthless hide to my bedroom wall.” That sounds like something my GF may have said… (thankfully not to me) and she laughed when I quoted it to her and decided she liked you.

    Reply

    jebbers12 reply on September 30th, 2010 1:40 pm:

    Tell me your name so i can tell everyone i know to stay away from you and never piss you off

    Reply

  22. Al Li Says:

    My middle school band teacher said this to a drummer: “If you don’t cut that out they’ll find your body somewhere in Mexico twenty years from now.”

    Reply

  23. Jo_Canadian Says:

    “I’m going to eviscerate you, then rape half of you. I’m going to leave Which half I rape up to your imagination.

    Reply

  24. ineedhelpbad Says:

    Captcha: locked gravely
    What do you call someone who has been buried alive?

    Reply

  25. Kiity Says:

    Something I once said to someone who was really hacking me off:

    “I’m goign to kill you slowly. Then when you are finally dead, i will take an old milk bottle with its rotten contents and trap your worthless soul inside it, then brick it up in a wall so you’ll rot in there.”

    Reply

  26. TeratoMarty Says:

    “I will personally have you thrown out of the University, pursued to the rim of the world by the finest demons thaumaturgy can conjure up, torn into extremely small pieces, minced, turned into a mixture reminiscent of steak tartare, and turned out into a dog bowl.”
    From Reaper Man, by Terry Pratchett.

    Reply

    Minty reply on April 1st, 2009 11:20 am:

    I don’t remember that one; what was the context?

    Reply

    TeratoMarty reply on April 1st, 2009 11:28 am:

    It was when the wizards were going after the mall-creature. The Dean kept saying “yo” and the Archchancellor ordered him to stop, on pain of this.

    Reply

    Minty reply on April 1st, 2009 12:10 pm:

    Oh, yeah! I remembered Ridcully yelling at the Dean (when isn’t he?), just not the specific words.

  27. Shadowydreamer Says:

    “All I’d need is the woodchipper.”
    “And then the coroner will wonder ‘How exactly did he sit down on a claymore?'”
    “Death by exlax IS possible. Have a cookie.”

    Reply

  28. Shift Says:

    I’ll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant, fuckin’ cannon, okay? And when we get back, you’re
    gonna crawl into it, okay? I’m gonna put two pounds of gunpowder in there, I’m gonna light it up and I’m gonna shoot you right out into fuckin’ Jersey, okay? And then I’m gonna steal a car and drive to Jersey and pick up all the little fuckin’ pieces of your body, put ’em in a big plastic bag, bring it back to my house, put ’em in the fireplace, and light ’em on fire. I’m gonna sit there with a glass of whiskey and watch the Charlie Brown special with your ashes heatin’ my fuckin’ house!

    Reply

    TGOBG reply on April 2nd, 2009 1:01 am:

    if you cap the cannon with a mesh of razor wire you could have briquete sized chunks that would be easier to use and give a better burn resulting in less ash and a more even temperature over the course of the evening.

    Reply

  29. paula Says:

    From me to a guy who just would NOT take no for an answer, and kept asking me out, and asking me out and….

    The A**hole (and this was his actual idea of a first date): “We could spend the weekend in a puptent, and I’ll teach you how to gut a deer.”

    My response: “I’d rather spend the weekend in the puptent with the deer, and gut you.”

    Reply

    Maj Mac reply on April 1st, 2009 6:43 pm:

    Hey Paula! Remember me? Far out! What are you doing this weekend?

    Reply

    paula reply on April 2nd, 2009 3:26 am:

    (note to self: inventory sharp/pointy implements)

    Reply

  30. laughing-in-class Says:

    A few of my faves:

    I’m going to make your death so slow and painful it’ll make the Spanish Inquisition look like a mercy killing.

    I’m going to unleash God-awful smackdown on your ass.

    Do that again and they’ll be tracing you with chalk.

    Do that again and I’ll rip out your spleen and present it to you.

    hehe…I collect quotes, I have a ton of ’em.

    captcha: Varnish of… varnish of what?

    Reply

    laughing-in-class reply on April 1st, 2009 11:35 am:

    Just thought of another one:

    I’m going to knock your teeth so far down your throat you’ll be shitting molars for a week.

    Reply

    Billy reply on April 1st, 2009 1:24 pm:

    What about hitchikers guide to the galaxy, “you tell her, and i’ll pull your spleen out your throat.”

    Reply

  31. laughing-in-class Says:

    Yet another one…

    Would that still count if I smashed a man’s face into a hot stove, hold him down while he sizzles and crack him over the back with a barbed pole?

    – Throw in a beaver and a bag of broken glass, and I think you’ve got yourself a felony!

    Reply

    Shift reply on April 1st, 2009 8:34 pm:

    Throw in a beaver and a bag of broken glass, and I think you’ve got yourself a felony…I can’t stop laughing…

    Reply

  32. Tamara Says:

    I always read the posts but never post. This is by far the best (and I loved the adoption one)- love LT Ronald. Can I just sit down and talk with him, maybe have a few beers?

    Reply

    LT Ronald reply on April 2nd, 2009 4:28 am:

    I have a few beers every night. If life ever brings you by FT. Indiantown Gap Pennsylvania shoot me an email, you can never have enough drinking buddies.

    Reply

    Dasky reply on April 2nd, 2009 6:02 am:

    Wait, you are at Ft. Gap? I did my National Guard duty there!

    Reply

    LT Ronald reply on April 2nd, 2009 6:08 am:

    I run the Ammunition Supply Point here at the Gap. I’m a WO1 now, took a bust from Captain. Life is much better in the WO world.

    Adam reply on September 14th, 2009 2:15 pm:

    You don’t happen to know about a bunch of Johns Hopkins cadets planning to spend the weekend up there in October, do you?

    Reply

  33. Chris Says:

    My favorite: “If you do not stop that, right now, I will rip out your skull and beat you to death with it.”

    Reply

    Pom Rania reply on April 7th, 2009 5:37 pm:

    “This doesn’t seem physically possible!” ~Red vs Blue

    Reply

    adminoflife reply on July 13th, 2009 4:54 pm:

    thats it, your ass is haunted.
    -Pvt Church

    Reply

  34. Em Says:

    I’m surprised no one’s listed the Penny Arcade one yet.

    “Don’t say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I’ve been polite. If you say anything else – word one – I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one.

    When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming – as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth.”

    http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2006/04/10/

    Reply

  35. Phantom Says:

    In eighth grade, my personal favorite was, “Are you sure you want to do that again?” *glare* “You know I will kill you, right?” That usually got the munchkins to settle down.

    Now, a simple threat of “OMG LAZER TONE IN UR EAR, MAN, IN UR EAR” gets people to stop whatever they’re doing. (Band thing, trumpets play loud, high notes that can sound pinched off like lasers, we call it a laser tone. Those things are LOUD.)

    What’s sad is I collect random quotes but don’t have any for killing. *tear*

    Reply

    laughing-in-class reply on April 2nd, 2009 1:35 pm:

    Dude…I collect random quotes too, and I have quite a few for killing.

    Reply

  36. Sequoia Says:

    Fuck with me and I’ll show you the reason the rusty cheesegrater is the most dangerous thing on the planet.

    Reply

    hellcat reply on April 2nd, 2009 7:23 pm:

    I like this one!!!

    Reply

  37. Corp. Scurvy Says:

    I’ve got a good few. Some are from Dilbert, some are from me.

    I am gonna rip your leg off and beat you to death with it.

    I assume that you don’t like your face the way it is, otherwise you wouldn’t be doing that.

    Since I guess you are wondering, I do in fact do amputations, although long painful deaths are cheaper.

    Stop that or so help me I will tear open your stomach, pull out your guts and strangle you to death with them.

    Your (random body part) hurts? Well I know something that can take your mind off it. Give me your hand, now you’re going to feel a little pressure… (10 points to whoever can tell me what that is from)

    I can kill you with anything in this room.

    Reply

    Corp. Scurvy reply on April 1st, 2009 2:06 pm:

    Another 10 points to whoever can name the book this comes from:

    “I’d love do dig his heart out with a dull hairpin and feed it to a pig.”

    And we can’t forget Skippy’s solution to the oil problem:

    “Your deaths will be described as ‘spectacularly unfortunate.'”

    Reply

    iain reply on April 1st, 2009 4:20 pm:

    dude its major payne easy

    Reply

  38. Ihmhi Says:

    “Sean: If you ever disrespect my wife again, I will end you. I will fucking end you. You got that, chief?”

    Robin Williams as Sean in Good Will Hunting.

    Absolutely one of my favorites… and I’ve used an abriged version (“If you fuck with me, I will end you.”) to great effect before.

    Reply

  39. Minty Says:

    That would be Major Payne. Now you tell me this: who should feel dirtier, you for asking, or me for answering?

    Gah.

    Reply

    Minty reply on April 1st, 2009 2:48 pm:

    Damn, that was supposed to be a reply to Corp. Scurvy.

    Reply

  40. Twan Says:

    “Leonidas has a giant pit of doom; I have a stairwell. Do you want to get this over now or do you want to wait until the pit filled with flaming wolves is installed in a few days?”

    “If ye dun’t ge’off mah propertah, Ah’m a’gunna tek dis haer shotguun, shuv et up yer ass, en’ unload fuer runds uf buck-shot in yer anoos!”

    Reply

  41. Raven Prometheus Says:

    As an EOD tech, the most effective one I’ve found is: “What kind of car do you drive? Is it parked outside?”

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 4th, 2009 11:32 am:

    I knew a girl who got her tires slashed once. I did not like her much either, so I remarked, “Hey, at least they were stupid. If they were smart they’d have put thermite through your engine block.” She stopped bothering me after that.

    Reply

  42. Alexandra Says:

    If you don’t quit pissing me off, I’m going insert exposed copper wires from an extension cord into your skin, plug it in and watch the goddamn fireworks.

    I was pleasantly reminded of when me and friends of mine would bandy about death threats. Good times.

    Reply

  43. Captain McCheese Says:

    I think I was hyper when I said this one “If you do not shut up I will come in the middle of the night with a knife and disembowel you”

    Reply

  44. Casey Says:

    In my mind, simplicity is best. All you need is an evil glare and a handy-dandy friend to sight and say resignedly: “Oh no, not again. Try not to make th is one so messy.”

    Also, is everyone forgeting the Princess Bride? How dare you.

    “Westley: It won’t be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
    Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight.
    Westley: I wasn’t finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.
    Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand let’s get on with it.
    Westley: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. “

    Reply

    Twan reply on April 1st, 2009 6:13 pm:

    Oh God! Repressed memories!

    Reply

    ShuttleZ reply on April 1st, 2009 6:27 pm:

    You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

    Reply

    Stickfodder reply on April 1st, 2009 7:46 pm:

    INCONCEIVABLE!

    Tzanti reply on April 3rd, 2009 3:08 pm:

    Now…Drop…Your…Sword!

    Captcha: 07 Curran – Captcha knows the England squad by heart, you know.

    Reply

  45. Mercer Says:

    1. I’m gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.
    2. Hey accidents happen, you might be walking down the street one day and you’ll trip and fall on an icepick 10, 11 or 12 times.
    3. Be careful, you might fall down an open elevator shaft and land on some bullets.
    4. You ever notice how there’s no correct way to land on a fire hydrant?
    5. I’m gonna throw you down the upside of an escalator so you fall on jagged metal stairs for eternity.
    6. I’m gonna give you coal for Christmas. It’s gonna be on fire and thrown into the bed you’re sleeping in along with some gasoline.

    Reply

  46. Sabra Says:

    As a mother, my personal favorite is the old Bill Cosby line: “I can have another one who looks just like you!” (Followed, in my family, by pointing at the youngest daughter and saying “See, I’ve already got a spare!”)

    Reply

    murphy reply on April 1st, 2009 10:10 pm:

    Followed by Bill’s famous, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.”

    Reply

    M578Jockey reply on April 5th, 2009 10:07 am:

    I always Like Eddie Murphey’s (I think) “I will knock the black off of you!”

    Captcha: In Ewing – they ate Sir Robin’s minstrals….and there was great rejoicing!

    Reply

    JRGuinness reply on April 20th, 2009 8:01 pm:

    The best use of this line was in “Blackbelt Jones”. A large black woman says to Scatman Crothers:

    “Boy, I will slap the black off you!”

    StoneWolf reply on May 4th, 2009 11:34 am:

    My mother used to tell me when I was sick or injured “Oh die quietly!”

    Reply

  47. SFC TC Says:

    “I do not envy jail. I can dig a hole 6 feet deep, bury your rotting carcass in it, and be back before the Land Nav time has expired. You’ll be dead, I’ll be drinking a soda, they’ll never find you, and fuck it, we’ll all be happier.” – During an FTX in North Carolina

    “I will beat you to death with this breaker bar and dump your body off the ship.” – While supercargo somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic

    Captcha – Democratic Devore (interesting)

    Reply

  48. the gee man Says:

    doesn’t make sense with out the preceding line so:

    James Bond: It won’t look like a suicide if you shoot me from over there.
    Dr. Kaufman: I am a professor of forensic medicine. Believe me, Mr. Bond, I could shoot you from Stuttgart und still create ze proper effect.

    Reply

    ShuttleZ reply on April 1st, 2009 9:29 pm:

    If you’re going there, then:

    James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
    Auric Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.

    Reply

  49. FalseProphet Says:

    I will stab you in the eye with a T-Handle (Allen key with a long ass pole)

    Reply

  50. Fairest of All Says:

    Do you know why you dont mess with a bear cub in the woods?
    Cause his Mama is not far behind.

    I will rip out your still beating heart and eat it while you watch!
    ( some one was messing with my kid)

    Reply

    CCO reply on April 2nd, 2009 9:20 am:

    John Ringo likes Kipling. At the head of one of the chapters in When the Devil Dances he quotes (I found the CD online):

    When the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride,
    He shouts to scare the monster, who will often turn aside.
    But the she-bear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail.
    For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

    —Rudyard Kipling
    “The Female of the Species” (1911) as quoted in Chapter 31, When the Devil Dances

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 4th, 2009 11:36 am:

    I am firmly convinced, regardless of other factors and normal behavior, that the most dangerious creature on earth is an enraged mother when you mess with her kids.

    Reply

  51. TheShadowCat Says:

    (said in a pleasant voice)

    Let’s go sailing and get *chummy*.

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 4th, 2009 11:37 am:

    Great, now my sides hurt.

    Reply

  52. murphy Says:

    My mom’s favorite was “knock it off or I’ll rip off your arm and beat you to death with the bloody end of it. “ Man I miss her. Good times, good times.

    A personal favorite, “Keep it up, I got a shovel and no one would miss you.”

    Reply

    paula reply on April 2nd, 2009 3:23 am:

    hey, that was MY mom’s favorite line! I wonder if she’s off with your mom, the pair of ’em comparing notes…..

    Reply

  53. Kieran Says:

    “I’m going to eviscerate you and then rearrange your organs alphabetically.”

    Reply

    Stickfodder reply on April 1st, 2009 11:09 pm:

    The first time I read that I thought it said “ravage your organs” I personally that would be a much better threat.

    Reply

    Pom Rania reply on April 7th, 2009 5:40 pm:

    I LIKE that one!

    Reply

  54. TGOBG Says:

    If i had had daughters, my threat would have been” If you touch my daughter, I will castrate you with a cheese grater with out the benifit of anistethisa”

    Reply

    Sabra reply on April 2nd, 2009 2:45 pm:

    I have three daughters. I’m taking notes.

    Reply

    miss kitten reply on April 2nd, 2009 7:25 pm:

    my daughter used to tell her dates “mama knows how to use a sword. very well.”

    ;)

    Reply

    paula reply on April 3rd, 2009 10:10 am:

    My brother-in-law used to like to wait in the living room with the boys who’d come to take out one of his three daughters. He’d sit there, friendly as all hell as they’d wait for the girls to come downstairs. Bro-in-law never threatened, never even gave the boys an evil glare: of course, he DID just happen to be cleaning his shotgun. And he said it helped to also have a box or two of ammo on the table.

    Reply

    CCO reply on April 3rd, 2009 10:42 am:

    So he’s the one Rodney Atkins wrote “Cleaning this Gun” about?

    CCO

    paula reply on April 3rd, 2009 11:10 am:

    Yeah, I heard that song and thought, ‘gee! bro-in-law never told me he knows a songwriter!’

    ps- bro-in-law said he used to favor playing with a butterfly knife when the boys came over, but the shotgun cleaning was WAY more effective…..

    random person reply on July 15th, 2009 8:27 pm:

    Haven’t had my family threaten any boys yet, but a friend of mine did tell one recently “you know how bad we (my friends, most of which he knows fairly well) will f*** you up if you hurt her right?”
    Boy: yeah
    Friend: good, now if her family catches wind of it you’ll be wishing to be thrown to us *creepy smile*
    captcha: blankest mall – did anyone else think of dawn of the dead?

    Reply

  55. Squid Vicious Says:

    I wrote a 2500-word essay last summer for a forensic biology paper I was taking about how I would dispose of a dead body without getting caught. The professor’s marking response was “A little unsettling, but factually accurate and well written. 95%”.

    One I’ve personally used to freshmen in the dorm I work in was “there’s eight flights of stairs in this place, I can push you down them on a Saturday night and everyone will think you were drunk and fell. Now do you REALLY want to get smart to me and try to steal my radio?”.

    Other ones I like are:
    – “I want to skullfuck you with a crowbar”.
    – “When I’m done with you, the biggest piece they’ll find is a toe”
    – “Are you planning on walking to your car alone tonight?”
    and a variation on that one “Do you regularly park your car in a dark secluded area?”

    Captcha – “STUMP excellent” – nice clean cut, this killer knew what he was doing.

    Reply

    Pom Rania reply on April 7th, 2009 5:41 pm:

    Do you have a copy of that essay? I’d love to read it.

    The best thing I came up with was to dress them in old clothes and leave them in the middle of some big city. By the time anyone notices or cares, I’ll be long gone.

    Reply

    Squid Vicious reply on April 7th, 2009 5:48 pm:

    It was all about decomposition. I think I concluded that the best way to do it was to beat them post-mostem with a shovel, leaving wounds for flies and bacteria to congregate in, and then leave their body in a really warm humid secluded place. Like Florida, I guess.

    Reply

    Pom Rania reply on April 7th, 2009 5:57 pm:

    But do you still have a copy of it? It’s pretty hard to find that information in the school library.

  56. Dasky Says:

    Since I work in an oil refinery right now

    “I will process you and let your body run my truck. The only people who will complain are hippies trying to save the enviroment.”

    “I love oil. It hides the bodies so well”

    “Remember how castles would pour boiling oil on their enemy? I think we should do a re-enactment”

    Reply

  57. Judgeferis Says:

    (said after your a**hole boss leaves earshot)

    “I swear if he yells at me again, i will slowly cover his body staples, leaving no skin showing, then slowly rip each one out with a rusty and broken fountain pen, then feed whats left of him through the fax machine to the Owner.”

    captcha: expose after; maybe with a little salt and lemon juice…

    Reply

  58. Grayson Says:

    Back in my misspent youth, I made a threat at a party that made quite the impression. Some ignorant bloody fool announced, while drunk, that he was going to drive home, and get away with it, and I wasn’t about to let it happen. So I told him (loudly) to hand over his keys, and he laughed as he turned to leave.
    I never thought, for a second, about what I was doing. I proceeded to arm-bar this idiot down a short flight of stairs; he landed face first at the bottom of the stairs, with my knee between his shoulder blades, and blood was dripping from his nose. Then I told him to hand over his keys, and made it clear that if he tried to get into his car, he would be found in a much larger pool of his own blood.
    Idiot boy didn’t take it very well, and he started to make some threats of his own.
    Bad Mistake.
    I got up off of him, opened the door, and waited for him to get to his feet (none too quickly, mind you), and then drove him out the door, down 3 steps, and onto his back on the concrete walkway, and me kneeling on his chest. Then I made THE threat: “If you get in a car and drive off, I’ll find you. And when the nice policemen find what’s left of you, they’re all going to PUKE THEIR GUTS OUT!”
    I pulled Idiot boy’s keys out of his trouser pocket and threw them up on the roof of the building. Turned around, and about 15 people are looking at me, and every single one of them are smiling and trying not to laugh. THEN I look at Idiot boy on his hands and knees, starting to retch loudly.
    I remember asking for someone to call a taxi for Idiot boy and reaching for my wallet. One of the ladies present forbade me to pay, and loudly ordered everyone present to throw in a buck or two for the taxi. Then she turned to me and said, “That was so entertaining! and I thought your threat was awesome!”
    (Exit Grayson, Stage left, feeling very confused and sober).
    Turned out that Idiot boy smartened up a lot after that night. He made a habit of drinking much less, and also of keeping a $20 bill in reserve just for taxi fare. So did a few other people that saw my actions that night.
    Remember these words, people: making threats is never a nice thing to do. In Canada, you can be charged, convicted, and put in jail for doing so. But where the law and I part is here – if you have to threaten someone to stop them from drinking and driving, DO IT. NOW. And then be prepared to back your words with action. INSTANTLY.
    Lieutenant Ronald, I salute you for this amazing, awe inspiring, horriffyingly excellent post. And, a tip of my cap to all of you Skippyites (holy hot crap, there’s that word AGAIN!) contributing to this post.
    May you never have to use any of these threats, ever. But IF you do, make them count!

    Reply

    Judgeferis reply on April 2nd, 2009 3:44 pm:

    Unholy bloodflies buttman. that was bloody BRILLIANT!!!!! And i concur, threats are a serious business. I never threaten for just anything, unless its OBVIOUSLY a joke. When I do give threats, most people tend to listen…could have something to do with that moron that tried to steal my laptop and ended up having to learn to write with his other hand….naaaah

    captcha: neglect Easily; OKAY!

    Reply

    Former Spc. 19K reply on April 3rd, 2009 7:42 am:

    I love you, you need to know that.

    Reply

    CCO reply on April 3rd, 2009 11:15 am:

    Oh, it’s a crime in this state too. Particularly if you spray paint it on the person’s house like one of my former co-workers did.

    Reply

  59. Billy Says:

    guy at bar “I got paid today”
    bartender “yeah, I know what thats like”
    guy “No, you don’t understand, I got one of these” (shows pink slip)
    bartender “yeah, I know what thats like”
    guy “you know what I’d like to do?”
    bartender “yeah, I know what you’d like to do, you’d like to find the guy who did it, rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face, so he can see how black it is before he dies.”
    guy “actually, I was thinking of filing a grievence with the union.”
    bartender “well the worlds a twisted place…”

    waynes world

    Reply

  60. hellcat Says:

    “I am going to reach down your throat and rip out your testicles.”

    Reply

  61. Ronin Says:

    “look out the window, you see all that sand and all those cacti? that would be a desert, we’re 500 miles from the nearest town, now ask yourself, do you really want to annoy me?”

    Me and some friends were driving back to new mexico from california, when one of them decided to mess with me while I was driving.

    Reply

  62. LT Ronald Says:

    Really pretty suprised this one got so many awesome responses.

    Maybe i should make all my posts this short and sweet.

    Reply

  63. Alex Says:

    One of my favorite threats, which I am guilty of using:
    “I’m going to drown you in your blood!”

    Reply

  64. Former Spc. 19K Says:

    the death I have planned for you would make Vlad Tepes start to cry and the Marquise de Sade blanch. run, run fast.

    captcha:(47)ja bound just what the hell is that?

    Reply

  65. Billy Says:

    I got a new one, “I will kill you until you die to death”

    Reply

  66. kat Says:

    My dad used this one to great effect with a guy who kept coming to my house trying to get me to date him.
    “Let me show you something boy, you see all these training certificates here on the wall? (dad had his pride wall with his airborne, ranger and some other random army training stuff) The army spent alot of time and money teaching me the right way to kill people. One of my greatest regrets is that I never really got to use that training.”
    That boy left my house and never spoke to me again.

    Reply

    CCO reply on April 3rd, 2009 11:10 am:

    Good one! I may have to file that one away for future use.

    CCO

    Reply

  67. Smith Says:

    I’ve never posted her before, but had a great deal of fun reading this, and felt the need to add one more. Unfortunately I have to paraphrase since I don’t have the show in front of me:

    “I’m going to rip out your spine and use it as a hat!”

    Reply

    Weatherbabe reply on April 4th, 2009 1:35 pm:

    Isn’t that from “Buffy”? I thought the phrase was the ribcage instead of the spine.

    Reply

    Smith reply on April 7th, 2009 4:11 pm:

    most likely. I was trying to remember from memory. Sadly I haven’t seen it in many years. It just happened to stick with me. I may have twisted it quite a bit…

    Reply

  68. Stickfodder Says:

    OOHH OH OH! I just thought of a good one from Leprechaun! “I’ll bite your ear off and make a boot out of it.”

    Reply

  69. SPC Randall Says:

    my fave
    “To bad the took all my guns away, o well i still have my knifes.”
    one my friend said to me
    “I work on a deep sea fishing boat, and sharks like raw meat.”
    another one i like
    “Why use a gun. Knifes are so much more personal.”

    Reply

  70. JessEm Says:

    “Roses are red, Violets are blue, They’re going to need dental records, To identify you! xxx” – Best when written on a valentine’s card.

    “Do that again and your chalk outline is going to cover the whole damn room.”

    This is an awesome thread – we need to be violent more often.

    Reply

    Sgt. Spooky reply on April 5th, 2009 10:38 pm:

    “Do that again and your chalk outline is going to cover the whole damn room.”

    Out of the whole damn post and all the replies so far, (75 plus replies to replies and so on and so forth) this has got to be by far my absolute favorite

    Captcha: to ignorant>>>the type of people these quotes are directed to.

    Reply

    JessEm reply on April 6th, 2009 5:20 pm:

    Heehee, thanks. Please, take it out into the world and use it to great effect.

    Reply

  71. Jeremy Says:

    Few of my favorites from different sources:

    “I am going to slit your throat and fuck the wound.”

    “I should split your nuts from your chin to the back of your ass.”

    “why don’t you go slide down a razor blade into a vat of rubbing alcohol?

    Reply

  72. Gunrunner Says:

    Keep annoying me and I will cut you from asshole to appetite!

    Captcha – Chisholm but…my friends call me John.

    Reply

  73. Devil Doc Says:

    two words, Pig Farm

    Reply

    SPC Randall reply on April 5th, 2009 5:00 am:

    dirty lol

    captcha hours letting…

    Reply

    Devil Doc reply on April 5th, 2009 11:53 am:

    I have a 20 year old daughter, a 17 year old daughter, and a 16 year old daughter. I always make sure to tell their boyfriends, “I know a pig farm and nobody will ever find the body”.

    Works every time

    Reply

  74. M578Jockey Says:

    I have a scar just below my Adam’s apple from an accident when I was a teenager. Once while at a pawn shop outisde of Ft. Polk a buddy grabbed a Rambo knife and jokingly held it to my throat. I told him he’d better do a better job than the last guy and raised my chin so he could see the scar. I quietly told him the last guy spent a month in the hospital but he wouldn’t be that lucky. The knife hit the floor about a second later.

    Reply

  75. bindoverbindo Says:

    I will make you swallow razor wire, pull the end out of your ass, and floss you to death.

    Reply

    Stickfodder reply on April 5th, 2009 5:07 pm:

    Wouldn’t swallowing razor wire and having it pass all the way through your digestive tract kill you? Wouldn’t the body flossing just be redundant?

    Reply

    SPC Randall reply on April 5th, 2009 6:34 pm:

    yeah it would but it would be fun

    Reply

  76. Crutches Says:

    My boyfriend is 5 years older than me so the first time he took me on a date my mom had my dad dangle his military issue handcuffs on the arm of his chair and leave their case of plyers open on the table. He did give them credit for being original though.

    Reply

  77. Icehawk Says:

    This entire post is epic. I’m going to have to save it for later use. Here’s a couple that popped in to my head:

    (Sean K talking about a woman who he had some business doing tech support for) “Someday, late at night, when her family is asleep, I’m going to quietly slip into her house and kill her entire family at which point I will go downstairs and calmly sample her wine and admire the artwork… whilst her children seep.”

    (One that slipped from my lips in the heat of a moment)”You know, people like you are why god invented piano wire.”

    Reply

  78. jeff Says:

    im going to stick razor wire up your ass, pull it out your mouth and floss you to death with it, all while playing the barbie girl song on full blast

    Reply

  79. Kaigun Says:

    I used this only once, to great effect:

    I will string you up like a piñata, gut you like a fish, and meditate to the sound of your blood dripping on the hardwood floor.

    Reply

  80. Billy Says:

    The grinch, “if you so much as utter one syllable I will hunt you down and gut you like a fish! If you’d like to fax me, press the star key.”

    Reply

  81. Tzanti Says:

    Nice one from Law & Order: UK last night.

    (Harriet Walter to Jamie Bamber) “As a woman? Oh, as a woman I’d like to cut off his dick with a rusty hacksaw and shove it down his throat!”

    captcha: PAINTED cooling-off – probably a good idea, under the circumstances.

    Reply

  82. Mispeld Says:

    I Will Stab You In The Eye With A Hot French Fry. – Foamy the Squirrel.

    I Will Cut Out Your Eyes And Rip Off your Balls Then Stuff Your Balls where you eyes where and your eyes in to your ball sack. – Dude from the Pick Of Destiny

    and my fav which my mom used on my older brother all the time.

    When Retroactive Abortions become Legal I will be first in line.

    Captcha: “And Simply” the greatest thread

    Reply

    StoneWolf reply on May 4th, 2009 12:01 pm:

    I love the retroactive abortion one. I’ve used it myself once.

    Reply

  83. Pom Rania Says:

    “I have a sharp pencil and I’m not afraid to use it.” Generally, that’s not threatening death so much as pain; I still have some graphite embedded in my knee where I was stabbed by a teacher six years ago. However, when I’m REALLY mad at them, I make it clear that their eye socket gives relatively easy access to their brain.

    “You know how many common plants are poisonous? I have easy access to three lethal varieties that I know off the top of my head, and can probably discover more if I care to look. Some day, when you’ve forgotten all about this, and especially who I am and what I look like, I will add an extra spice to your food.”

    Reply

    Maven reply on June 1st, 2009 9:43 am:

    I told my DH before we were married that:
    I didn’t believe in divorce. I knew enough botany to kill him quick, and enough good ole’ southern cooking to kill him slow. I would keep all his stuff, not just take half, thankyouverymuch.
    Now eat your wild green salad, your chicken fried steak and STFU!

    Reply

  84. Tiandu Says:

    Does “I’m going to SHRED you!!!” count? How about, “I’m going to hit you everywhere that child had a bruise/injury, starting slowly/making sure you don’t slip into shock and die, then I will give you the same head injuries you gave that child, giving you an hour of pain for every minute (over an hour) you beat that child to death for!” will that work? That’s what I thought as I read about another brutal child murder recently, while gazing at the mugshot of the brute, anyways.

    Reply

  85. Tiandu Says:

    The second example above should also add: “And then I will kill you, as slowly and painfully as possible, being careful not to let you slip into shock or go numb.”

    Reply

  86. Pom Rania Says:

    “If anyone touches my books/computer/food/whatever I’m going to kill them quickly and painfully; quickly so I have time to run away before anyone figures out it was me.”

    Reply

  87. Crutches Says:

    “I kill you… I kill you til you’re DEAD! That’s worse…”

    Reply

  88. sparkey17 Says:

    my parents and I always used to tell my little brother he was only born for spare parts…in case something happened to me.

    Reply

  89. SpaZzy Says:

    My personal used killing phrase:

    Im going to lock you in a small closet with an Epileptic person and a strobe light until he FLAILS you to death!

    -SpaZzy-

    Reply

  90. Jack Says:

    I am going to castrate a horse in the middle of mating season and use his giant, throbbing, bloody member to make you stop talking.

    Reply

  91. Andrew The Pear Says:

    I’m going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

    I’m going to shove my boot so far up your ass the forensics team will be taking the treadmarks off the inside of your skull!

    ‘…Close your eyes, don’t let this face be the last thing that you see as the lord may hold it against you’ (Badly paraphrased, Smoking Aces)

    I’m going to bury you in a grassy field and use your neck as a tee and your head as a golf ball!

    Unfortunately for you, our society has been greatly desensitized to violence, and as such your death will not be widely reported.

    Ever play the new GTA4? No? Wait here, I’ll go grab your car and demonstrate it to you…

    Thats all folks!

    Reply

  92. Jenn Says:

    One of my favorites is:

    “I’m going to rip out your rib-cage and use it as a hat!”

    Or,

    “I will strangle you to death with your own small intestines.”

    And recently,

    “I wish I had a belt on me, because you can never strangle someone with your hands as beautifully as you can with Italian leather.”

    Reply

  93. JMireles Says:

    One of my favs is, “I’m gonna rip your arm off, and beat you to death with the bloody end of it!”

    Reply

  94. Maven Says:

    I love The Ref. It’s on my x-mass movie must watch list.

    Reply

    Maven reply on June 1st, 2009 8:43 am:

    Why the HELL didn’t this go in the right spot? It was supposed to go under the cannon/Charlie Brown quote.

    Reply

  95. rhia Says:

    Back, years ago, when I was still in school, I told another student that if he Ever touched my (4 of 5 classes) computer (in the best comp lab on campus) again, I would rip his lungs out so that he could see his dying breaths. For the next year until I graduated, he actively _protected_ that spot for me.

    Reply

  96. adminoflife Says:

    i do not remember what exactly prompted this response from my girlfriend but
    “I WILL SHAKE YOU!”

    my friend was terrified because it might actually happen.

    i used this in high school

    “i will strap you down, force feed you a 2 liter of coke and shove a king size of mentos and watch you explode.”

    Reply

  97. Cash Says:

    I have no guilt, nor reservations, nor inhibitions that will prevent me from slowly taking your life. In fact, the pure pleasure of seeing the light fade from your eyes, the color drain from your skin, the ultimate collapse of your chest should be drawn out. Thus, here is your descision: how would you like to die? By paper or plastic?

    Reply

  98. laughing-in-class Says:

    Something I hear recently:

    God created the backhand for bitches like you!

    Another one:

    It’s amazing what one can do with twelve rolls of duct tape and no sanity whatsoever.

    yet another:

    Keep it up you bastard and I’ll rip your kneecaps off!

    captcha: weisber surprise…the name of the technique used to rip ones kneecaps off.

    Reply

  99. Silverwolf Says:

    How about these:
    “We can do this the easy way, or the FUN way.”

    “I will rip off your head and show it to you. I leave it up to you to imagine how THAT will work without a mirror.”

    Reply

  100. Excessively murderous Says:

    This one is from a song and it kicks ass

    “There’s something about you, meaning everything you do,that makes me wanna grab you by the throat and cut through.”

    This is one i just came up with

    “F**k guns and knives, i’m gonna bash your skull in with a rock until your brains cover the roof”

    and this

    “Bullets just seem so… well… overdone… so i think i will mix things up by turning your chest into pulp with the butt of my luger.”

    Reply

  101. AFP Says:

    I’ve had a couple of good ones aimed at me for various reasons, in varying degrees of seriousness:

    “I will smack the flavor out of your mouth.” <– Friend of mine in college

    "I will throw you out that second story window, then jump out that window so I can land on you and hit you again." <– Some folks had very short tempers (and evidently a lot of idle time) in the Medical Hold flight at Basic Training. (my response to this was to laugh, it was funny even as serious as he looked about it)

    A friend of mine was fond of jokingly threatening to Refenestrate me (throw me in through a window) so he could Defenestrate me (throw me out of a window).

    Captcha: Afghans cut (you if you do anything to my sister…)

    Reply

  102. rdrjunkie1 Says:

    “Shut that bitch up before I over there and fuck start her head”

    Way of the Gun.

    Not the best movie but one of the best lines ever.

    From a friend of mine

    “I will fuck you up with a rake”

    Reply

  103. Hysteria Says:

    I like to be all nice about my threats, so while smiling sweetly, I’ve become particularly fond of this on.
    “How about you open that mouth one more time. Or how about I chloroform you and when you wake up, you’ll be chained by large hooks up to your bathroom. I’ll make sure that you stay awake long enough for you to feel you skin slowly stretching and ripping. When I’m finished up there, I will chop you up slowly, bake you into cookies, and send them to your family. What do ya think about that, huh?”
    I love it!

    Reply

    Laughing-in-class reply on March 12th, 2010 7:47 pm:

    ::snickers:: nice. Here’s something I said to a particularly large pain in my ass once: “If you don’t leave me the HELL alone I swear to God I will castrate you with your own teeth, use your scrotum as a change purse and your nuts as a hackey sack!” Needless to say, he left me alone.

    captcha: Yeps Are…yeps are particularly violent today.

    Reply

  104. Hysteria Says:

    I bet he did!
    My captcha is Dustyman Flamingo
    ???

    Reply

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  107. David B Says:

    If you make my daughter cry, my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it’s gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring!
    Whatever you’re thinking, you’d better think again! Otherwise I’m gonna have to head down there and I will rain down in a Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You’re gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I’m talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

    I’ve found SO many of those for when I have a child. Thank you all!

    Reply

  108. David B Says:

    Another couple are:
    I have access to an M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank. What route do you take to work again?
    OR
    You see that thing covered by a tarp in my garage? That is my personal Sherman. If you hurt him/her, make him/her cry, etc, I will use your body as grease for the treads.
    Even better:
    Son, I am a Civil War reenactor. So you know what that is? No? That means I have access to black powder, field artillery, antique rifles, cutlasses, and one foot long bayonettes. If they find your body, they will pity you for having crossed me.
    And finally,
    Son, I work for the railroad. I have access to several tons of locomotive. Do you really want to tick me off?

    Reply

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