AFJORTC List
First of all I want to thank Michiel for filling in for me last week, while I was attending GDC. Especially that last post of his. That was from the heart man.
Second of all, here is a giant list from a prospective future officer.
(Submitted by Lauren Fox)
1. Not allowed to insinuate that Cadet Ass molests computers
2. Or drill rifles
3. Or Christmas trees
4. Even if everyone else thinks its funny
5. Can’t claim ownership of freshmen
6. “Now we can do an armed takeover!” Is not the appropriate response when informed that the Air Force trusts us with air rifles.
7. Can’t show Air Force why we shouldn’t be trusted with air rifles
8. Can’t take bets on when someone will shoot Cadet Ass
9. Drill rifles are not blunt weapons
10. They are blunt objects
11. Lizzy Borden is not a jody (Lizzy was bored and took an axe/she gave her father forty whacks/and when she saw what she had done/she gave her mother forty-one)
12. Cannot go to movie theater in uniform for the military discount
13. Cannot appear old enough to buy alcohol/tobacco by wearing uniform
14. We are high school students, we can’t place anyone under military arrest
15. Or citizen’s arrest
16. Can’t fall out to go “kindly correct” little kids who say “look at the army people” while marching in a parade
17. If it’s from Full Metal Jacket we can’t imitate it
18. Or Parizhilton.com
19. Or “that awesome video game where I shot that zombie’s head off”
20. Cannot threaten to neuter Cadet Ass with a pencil
21. Or a flare gun
22. “Because I said so” is a good reason coming from an officer
23. Not allowed to tell Corps Commander to go f—- himself
24.. Even if he is a poser
25. We cannot “Screw politics and claim the moon as ours so we can colonize it”
26. No space colonies
27. “What’s that thing on your face?” Is not the proper way to greet Chief
28. Cannot enforce the policy “Silence is golden but duck tape is silver”
29. Will not point out that this is Air Force, not Marines, when doing PT
30. Will not taunt the Marine JROTC cadets because they do Marine PT
31. Stupidiyicy is not a word
32. Neither is Truthyness
33. Adding –ness of –y to the end or beginning of something doesn’t make if a word
34. Will not question Cadet Fox’s in-depth knowledge of European lingerie from the Middle Ages onward
35. Cannot tell Freshmen the grog is fruit punch
36. Cannot put anything that will ferment in the grog
37. Seriously, the PTA will want an explanation about a bunch of drunk Cadets
38. “My foot up your ass” Is not a good solution
39. The proper solution is “My foot so far up your ass you’ll be spitting out nails for a week”
40. Cadet Fox is the only one qualified to lead in case of zombie and/or vampire uprising
41. Can’t scare the Goths
42. Can’t ask Cadet Fox about The Flasher Pants
43. Can’t re-label everything in the fridge
44. F does not stand for fabulous
45. Code Fuchsia does not refer to the color of Colonel’s face
46. There is no Code Fuchsia
47. It doesn’t mean war when the school board threatens to take away our microwave
48. Or when they want to put an intervention math class in our lounge
49. Or when they say no to a new couch
50. No declaring war on the school board
51. No hostile takeovers of other portables
52. No friendly takeovers of other portables
53. Stay away from the other portables
54. Kindergartners are not cannon fodder
55. No forming kindergarten militias
56. Can’t buy tanks on eBay
57. Can’t buy grenades on eBay
58. Can’t buy used underwear on eBay
59. Can’t buy Iranian organs on eBay
60. No eBay
61. Can’t buy hookers on Craigslist to come sing happy birthday to MSSQ
62. Stay away from Craigslist
63. The Tide Bleach Pen to Go © is not a sacred item
64. Cannot petition local priests to have the Tide Bleach Pen to Go © blessed
65. The portable is not haunted
66. Can’t dig a bunker under the portable
67. The Russian immigrants are not out to get us
68. Can’t trade souls for food
69. Can’t gamble with your soul
70. The French do not owe us
71. No cursing people out in French
72. Or German
73. Or ASL
74. Or Spanish
75. English is OK
76. “I think I was high Sir” Is not a good answer during inspection
77. The above is not a good answer to anything
78. Can’t ask a Cadet Officer “What are you on?”
79. Even if they take painkillers
80. There is no Master of Awesome
81. Can’t sing dirty limericks at drill comps.
82. Even if the judges applaud
83. Can’t threaten to stick a cat down someone’s pants
84. No stripteases
85. When Chief asks us what our future plans are, “Porn star and the other one is illegal”, Is not an answer
86. It’s ma’am not “Mrs. Chief and Mrs. Colonel”
87. We are not Vikings
88. Or Celts
89. This is not Sparta
90. We cannot enter the Matrix
91. It’s not up to us to lead the revolution
92. “We’re high school students” is not a reason of excuse
93. Can’t march around town singing Teenagers (They say that teenagers scare the living shit out of me/They could care less so long as someone will bleed/So darken your clothes and strike a violent pose/Maybe they’ll leave you alone/But not ME)
94. No one owns Michael Jackson’s blackness
95. Captain Jack does not involve condoms, lube, toasters, boxers or lesbians
96. We are not Ghandi’s warriors
97. Mother Theresa was not a “smoking hot babe”
98. The numbers aren’t out to get me
99. Sputnik is not funny
100. The flight lockers are not for solitary confinement
101. Community service is to do the world some good, not get laid
102. Batman is not our master
103. Batman vs. Superman is not a relevant use of flight time
104. Can’t tell the recruiters the number of key chains I receive will determine which branch I join
105. A male cadet can’t get pregnant by two women
106. Tigger from Winnie the Pooh is not our mascot
107. “The Song that Never Ends” Is over when Chief or Colonel walks in the room
108. Can’t bribe my way to captain of the air rifle team with cookies
109. No one is to sexy for their shirt
110. Its not racist when a certain Asian cadet sings “Secret Asian Man”
111. Miley Cyrus is not a form of psychological torture
112. None of the male cadets want to know about my vagina
113. That includes Chief and Colonel
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March 29th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Lucky me, I got stuck with the navy ROTC, and they kept telling me to join the Air Force. I am not kidding, that is also where I found out that air craft carriers never come back with all the people that boarded. And yay! I got first post!
captcha majority blizzard, sounds like upstate NY allright.
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March 29th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
“40. Cadet Fox is the only one qualified to lead in case of zombie and/or vampire uprising
41. Can’t scare the Goths”
Those Goths should be scared.
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March 30th, 2009 at 12:55 am
in highschool i was confronted by an Navy recruiter. i was asked what i wanted to be when i grew up. i responded with “porn star.” they asked me what my asvab and GT score was and i told them ’85 and 116′
they followed me around campus that entire day trying to get me to sign.
capcha : 3/4-inch sprung; cause that’s all i have when i am “sprung”
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Billy reply on March 31st, 2009 10:44 am:
In my high school, the marines were banned, they kept trying to recruit people w/o parental permission before they were 18. and that just sounds like a joke on a marine anyway, marines not allowed in the schools.
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March 30th, 2009 at 1:46 am
95. Captain Jack does not involve condoms, lube, toasters, boxers or lesbians
Torchwood contradicts this statement.
Captcha: cars Hertel – Piquet’s explanation after leaving the track yesterday in the Grand Prix.
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Courtney reply on March 31st, 2009 2:57 pm:
Toasters? Talking about the bot on Satellite 5?
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March 30th, 2009 at 5:45 am
“71. No cursing people out in French
72. Or German”
I had a job where my boss applauded me for cursing at someone in German. I was working at a small computer parts reseller. I get a call from a guy in France insisting that we were the manufacturer of his external CD-ROM. I explained that we were only a reseller and only took returns from people who had purchased from us. He kept on arguing with me, and my boss said to get him off the phone. So, I called him a stupid cheese eating surrender monke in German. He then hung up on me.
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David B reply on February 25th, 2014 10:53 pm:
And EXACTLY how does one say that in German. I need to get in touch with my German roots, you know. Plus, I have a french exchange student who is a total douche in several of my classes.
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March 30th, 2009 at 6:54 am
I lol’d at a good deal of these. :D
Captcha” Wight Type: of weapon to catch that wascally wabbit.
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March 30th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I fail to concur with item 111. If I was holed up in a bunker somewhere, blasting Miley Cyrus would have my ass out of there. Rap and heavy metal would just have me hollering requests, but Miley Cyrus… brr.
And I think a Code Fuchsia was what I got when I was in high school and went to talk to that National Guard recruiter. He took one look at me and was all, “no, mama’s boy, go home to your Broadway soundtracks.” Or maybe that was a Code Lavender.
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paula reply on March 30th, 2009 2:16 pm:
Look at it this way, Marty: you’d have HATED their lack of style. Olive drab or all-beige? Boring! Their loss, man, their loss.
captcha: Triaca delivers… delivers what, fer cryin out loud?
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March 30th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Aw, I missed so much attending my crappy suburban public high school. We didn’t have anything cool there.
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March 30th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Regarding number 11: that IS a jody. It’s just not an APPROVED jody. But it is a jody. You might try Irene though (Irene, Irene she’s one of the best/ and every night i give her the test./ She looked right just like I knew she should/ and when I got in I knew she was good./ I rolled her over on her side/ and even on her back I tried./ Irene, Irene she’s the best in the land/ she’s an F-16 in the fighter command.)
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TeratoMarty reply on March 30th, 2009 1:10 pm:
HAH! My old man used to have my brother and I holler jodies on our morning run, he would have loved this one.
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Billy reply on March 30th, 2009 8:26 pm:
I still like (little bird, with a little bill, was sitting on, my window sill, I lured him in, with a piece of bread, and then I smashed his, little head. A bigger bird, with a bigger bill, was sitting on, my window sill, I lured him in, with a piece of bread, and then I smashed his, little head. The moral of, the story is, to get some head, you need some bread.)
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March 30th, 2009 at 10:38 am
When I was in CAP I spit in my 1SG’s canteen during encampment. I wouldn’t recommend that, either.
Captcha: per Luzie- she was there. She could tell you. It didn’t go well.
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March 30th, 2009 at 11:23 am
JROTC- what a joke
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March 30th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Duct tape comes in a lot more colors than silver, and it is spelled with a ‘T’ not a ‘K’. Unless you also spell light as ‘LITE’.
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Jon reply on March 30th, 2009 12:03 pm:
Not necessarily correct. There is a brand of duct tape called “Duck Tape” which does happen to be silver on the backing.
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David reply on March 30th, 2009 12:08 pm:
Like I said, if you spell light “lite” then you can spell duct with a “k”.
The tape is DUCT tape, irrespective of the fact that there is a brand by a company that plays on the illiteracy and poor enunciation of the general public.
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Tzanti reply on March 31st, 2009 2:51 am:
Over here we call it gaffa tape…and yes, mate, that’s a corruption of gaffer – meaning electrician – before you start.
Billy reply on March 30th, 2009 8:28 pm:
I perfer bear tape myself.
captcha 1/5 compiled, sounds like an XKCD comic
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D G reply on April 1st, 2009 12:22 pm:
It is so called duck tape. It’s used for sealing quacks.
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AFP reply on August 3rd, 2009 1:01 pm:
How do you think the ducks stay afloat?
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March 30th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
#11: It goes mother then father. But tis still good.
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March 30th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Yeah, everyon sings jodies their own way. most of them are completly devoid of an actual way-they-should-go. But thanks for trying.
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March 30th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
My favorite is most likely 1-3 because there’s a very nice story that goes along with it.
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March 31st, 2009 at 2:00 am
Ahhhh…… this takes me back to my Marine Corps JROTC days. Of course after a few rounds of Model-A Ford and a tank full of gas, our Instructors wouldnt let me sing cadence anymore. This resulted in one of the first rules on my personal list:
If I see it on Heartbreak Ridge I’m not allowed to do it.
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March 31st, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Our school has Army JROTC. Here are some for us:
Must not head-slap the color guard.
Just because Colonel gave him a wedgie for not doing pushups does not mean you can.
Must not remind a freshman to Brass-o his (plastic) name tag.
(same freshman) Brass-o does not burn holes through your hand.
Must not give freshman to my squad leader as a birthday gift.
His proper title is 1st Sergent, not Task Master.
The cardboard cutouts of officers in our classroom cannot replace the company commander when they are sick.
I cannot take the cardboard cutouts to Military Ball with me as my date.
The parade rest position does not involve anal masturbation.
Chewing gum in class every day of the school year is a great way to develop your triceps and pecs.
I do not push the world down every time I do a pushup.
If a National Guard recruiter asks you if there is such a thing as a dumb question in the military, do not respond by asking if the pants are optional.
Do not show up to inspecion without your pants.
Even if the recruiter answered with “well, that depends upon what you’re doing”
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April 1st, 2009 at 6:23 pm
In my officer basic course, we had a young female lieutenant that was a little too prepy. We were preparing for a combat patrol when an instructor asked her what kind of patrol we were about to go on. Completely serious and with that slight limp wrist gesture, she replied “Oh, it is just a casual patrol”. From that point on, everything we did as a group was “just casual”. We had “casual” formations. We would be “casually” late for class. We “casually” walked when we were supposed to march in formation.
The best thing about being a non-conformist with a sense of humor? Being a member of a large, like minded group in an organization like the military!
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April 3rd, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Skippy, please transpose the fifth and fourth letters in the title. It’s really, really bugging me.
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August 3rd, 2009 at 1:11 pm
From my own AFJROTC days:
Not allowed to sing “Sniper’s Wonderland” during parades in town.
Not allowed to teach the younger cadets the lyrics of “Sniper’s Wonderland”.
When we go to march in the Veteran’s Day parade in downtown Dallas, we will invariably stop at the greasiest, messiest place to eat while wearing Service Dress uniforms.
(During Summer Leadership School) Nobody can see when our Tac Officer walks into a fence post while attempting to chat up a female Tac Officer.
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July 28th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
ah, i remember the good old days of being in air cadets… or “RAFCCF” as our arsehole commander insisted on calling it.
he was called Mr. Hill, and we once went to RAF Rheindahlen, where at the end of the week all the different units that were there had to make skits about the week. the winning unit had a villain in it called “Herr Hillter”, complete with officers cap and toothbrush mustache. the other officers found it hilarious. Hill, less so.
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November 16th, 2011 at 9:29 pm
…I want to transfer to this high school… So badly…
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January 11th, 2015 at 5:10 pm
71. No cursing people out in French
72. Or German
73. Or ASL
74. Or Spanish
When I get pissed, I talk/cuss people out in a combo of Croatian, Irish, Scottish, German, and English. (I have a very diverse family) Mom says it reminds her of when she was in College. There were a pair of guys who’s dad was a Foreign Language teacher. When they would get excited, they would go into Chinese, Japanese, English, German, even Latin!
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