Redshirt Zombies

March 16th, 2009 by Stickfodder

A note from the author:

SKIPPY just as a warning I was drinking while writing this so you may want to proof read and maybe edit for grammar.

A note from skippy:

You know what? No. I’ve had a bad day, and I don’t want to mess with it. It’s going up as is. Everybody, feel free to mock his grammar.
I often have random thoughts. Like why did the Red Shirts always have to die on the original Star Trek? Why couldn’t they have their day in the sun? Why can’t they get some love? Or better yet why can’t they get some revenge?

Then I thought about all those dead red shirts. What happens to their bodies? Do they just get left where they die? Or do they get beamed up to the Enterprise and put into some sort of morgue?

Here’s the scenario Kirk Spock McCoy and ensign Ricky are beaming down to the planet everything is going fine until ensign Ricky scratches his arm on some strange plant. After a few minutes he starts coughing and acting feint. Then a giant monster appears and with one swipe of its claws sends poor little Ricky flying against a rock wall. With his head bashed in Ricky’s body falls limp to the ground blood pouring out of his wounds.

Meanwhile Kirk is shooting the creature with his phaser and doing summersaults for no apparent reason. Spock is coming up with a cunning well thought out plan to kill the creature. And McCoy is running around franticly shouting, “Damn it Jim I’m a doctor not an exterminator!”

Then after a long and climactic battle of wits and brawn they kill the creature and return to the ship and discuss what they learned. But in the bowels of the ship (or wherever the hell the transporters are) Scotty beams up the mangled corpse of poor ensign Ricky and brings it to the morgue and leaves him in his new home cryogenic chamber number 734. His duty done Scotty heads to the bridge to partake in the lessons learned from today’s adventure, which his fat ass once again didn’t get to go on (again).

But unbeknownst to the rest of the crew poor little Ricky had before his death picked up a yet undiscovered microbe that when introduced to a living creature causes a sickness that is similar to the flu and easily recovered from. But when introduced to a corpse that is in the early stages of decomposition, it feeds on the body infesting every last cell heating and reanimating them.

As his body sat there in his cold forgotten tomb the spores released from his mangled body finding new homes in the hundreds of other deceased in the morgue. Many levels above and far forward in the ship the officers are enjoying a nice relaxing drink reminiscing. Regaling each other with tales of their youths. When all of a sudden the computer automatically sounds red alert.

Kirk confused and outraged that he didn’t get to get to say “Red Alert” demands that the computer tell him who ordered the red alert. To which the computer replies that it sounded the alert in response to a biological crisis occurring in the morgue. Upon hearing this Dr McCoy demanded to know what kind of “biological crisis” could possibly be occurring in the morgue! The computer gave only one word in response “ZOMBIES” Once the crew had gotten over the shock that there were real zombies on the ship, they began to panic. All except for Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura,. These few crew members stand alone against the onslaught of the REDSHIRT ZOMBIES!

Sulu for some unknown reason runs to his cabin and grabs his rapier to fight the undead red shirts. When he sees just what Sulu plans on fighting with Kirk grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him as he says, “Sulu… are you… mad? You need a… sword capable of cutting off their heads!… Whereas that…… rapier is only… good for stabbing and giving small… cuts! Put that away and….. take this.. Katana!”. Sulu takes the Katana and immediately starts dismembering zombies. In the meantime only feet away Spock is using some sort of ancient Vulcan hand-to-hand zombie fighting techniques and snapping their necks. And the rest of the group is doing the smart thing and blasting zombie heads with their trusty phasers.

After hours of exhausting combat and the loss of no living crew members (or at least nobody worth mentioning) all the zombies have been dispatched and shoved out of air locks. Once things have calmed down Kirk considers making a report on the incident but decides that it nobody would believe him and only sends a recommendation to Starfleet that in the future all members of Starfleet that die while away from their home world should be given a burial at space.

And this is why Spock was ejected into space, and we all know what happened to him don’t we. He became a fricken zombie! Albeit a rather well behaved zombie, but he was a reanimated corpse nonetheless.

I’m sorry this sort of turned into a bit of a fan fic/psychotic rant. I guess that I shouldn’t have written this while drinking but I just cant write while sober.

Stickfodder had a web-comic here, that he would probably like you to look at.

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This entry was posted on Monday, March 16th, 2009 at 8:06 pm and is filed under Zombie Survival. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

Stickfodder Says:
March 16th, 2009 at 8:55 pm

AWESOME! Oh and for the record I may have been a little drunk when I wrote this.

Stickfodder reply on March 16th, 2009 9:22 pm:

Did not realize that Skippy left that little Preface on there. Or added his own note. I kinda just saw that something I wrote was up and I just had to jump and get the firs comment. So feel free to mock me for that too. ^_^

Sequoia reply on March 17th, 2009 1:08 pm:

MOCK!

Mr. Lostman Says:
March 16th, 2009 at 10:14 pm

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of me mocking you.

Stonewolf Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 4:12 am

Mock mock mockity mock mock. Now lets go get a camera and film this wonderful “lost episode”.

LT Ronald Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 4:27 am

Captcha
Blade $3.304-billion, That is one expensive zombie dicing Katana, but with inflation the way it is I guess that isn’t too bad for the future.

CCO reply on March 17th, 2009 5:23 am:

Maybe it’s referring the Alliance Space Ship Vorpal Blade? The price would be about right then.

Lit Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 4:41 am

You know, I was confused and I was going to mock, but then I checked out your webcomic and found something that explains so much…

http://www.drunkduck.com/STICKFODDER/index.php?p=531120

paula Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 5:03 am

And ya know, no matter HOW dumb some new-kid-on-the-ship was, you’d think they’d know better than to EVER wear a red shirt.

oh yeah, and stickfodder? what stonewolf said: mock mock mockity mock mock!

CCO reply on March 17th, 2009 5:26 pm:

Maybe that’s why by the time of ST: The New Generation the colors had changed; security was gold shirts. Command was red shirts. Jordy LaForge’s shirt was gold, so I guess they still had security lumped in with engineering or the meaning of the colors was entirely different.

StoneWolf reply on May 7th, 2009 6:42 am:

I shall now reveal my unmitigated geekdome. In Next Gen, Red/Crimson was for command staff. Captains, Admirals, big brass, etc. Yellow/Gold was for Operations staff. Engineers, security, basically anyone who actually does shit. Blue(later green) was for all the “Intellectual” shit. Doctors and scientists basically. I figure the color coding, as opposed to wearing an identifing patch and issuing the same unis to everyone, was that so, in an emergency you could quickly figure out who to talk to. If you needed a decision, find someone in red. If you need something thought about, find blue. If you actually want something done, find a guy in yellow. The colors continued into DS9 and Voyager, but around the time they switched to the black/grey uniforms they switched blue to green for medic/scientist. No idea why.

Captcha: 791 Swallow-a measure of airspeed based off of the averarge airspeed of an unladen Swallow.

CCO Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 5:26 am

Shoot, other that starting a sentence with “and” and leaving out an apostrophe or two, it looks OK. Maybe I’m not awake yet.

M578Jockey reply on March 17th, 2009 5:44 am:

Awesome idea. As a trekkie from way back that was great.

As for macking except for feeling feint instead of faint, there is not too much to mock.

Captcha Leutnant Mans… The new German security officer on the Enterprise

M578Jockey reply on March 17th, 2009 5:45 am:

It is too early. Please feel free to mock my macking…

notsomuchactually Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 6:22 am

Loved it. You should drink more often. I always knew the red shirts would get their revenge eventually. As for mocking, I’ve seen worse grammar, spelling and sentence structure in most anyting written by lawyers.

notsomuchactually reply on March 17th, 2009 6:22 am:

Including the above comment.

Maj Mac Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 9:25 am

Well done! But still… mockity, mock mock. Have a few drinks then do something with Tribbles, Zombies and James with a green nymphomaniac.

Stickfodder reply on March 17th, 2009 9:53 am:

I’d prefer to keep things a little cleaner then how I imagine that would be.

ArchaicDome Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 9:55 am

And all I could think of was that there’s no morgue- they’re shot out the airlock as a “burial at sea,” and also that the transporter biofilters would probably remove the zombie bacteria before it got on board. :)

Wow, I’m a dork.

Stickfodder reply on March 17th, 2009 10:14 am:

I like to imagine that all this (the lack of morgue, shooting bodies into space as “burial”, and the transporter removing bad things) is the result of this incident.

Captcha “$5,000 subdued”- Why yes $5,000 would calm me down.

Anonymous and STILL Employed Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 9:57 am

Can I ask, was the reason that there were no loss of living crew members because redshirts are absolutely shite at their jobs, even when their dead?
And also some form of Vulcan Zombie-Fu would probably be the preferred martial art of all Skippites, wouldn’t it? – Well done Stickfooder, we grow in strength.

Heavenly Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 10:40 am

Tooo funny.

Warning – I may have been a little drunk while READING this!!!

Heavenly Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 10:41 am

Too funny!

WARNING – I may have been a little drunk while READING this! LOL

Stickfodder reply on March 17th, 2009 11:32 am:

GAH! Double post!

Sequoia Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 1:58 pm

I’ve got a question. How many times has Ensign Ricky died? I mean, he dies in every episode, and yet in the next episode he’s alive to die again!!! Is this a sign of cloning in the Star Trek universe? Or does this mean that they keep the Ensign Ricky zombie so nobody important dies?

Stickfodder reply on March 17th, 2009 2:31 pm:

Hmm I like that last idea. Maybe since he was the original infected for some reason he doesn’t hunger for living flesh. And since Red shirts duties are so mindless he has no problem completing them.

ArchaicDome reply on March 17th, 2009 4:55 pm:

He’s like the Kenny of inter-stellar travel.

captcha: orvis doesn’t… what?

CCO reply on March 17th, 2009 5:15 pm:

Orvis doesn’t sell boats, perhaps. (Overton’s used to, but not anymore.)

Captcha: (7) Christopher edged: Is that a knife order?

Billy reply on March 17th, 2009 7:55 pm:

“You killed Ricky!”
“You bastards!”

captcha States defect: sounds like rhode island…

David Says:
March 18th, 2009 at 5:15 pm

Don’t you know? The bodies are incinerated and the carbon recovered for use in the food replicators.

Soylent Green FTW!