Skippy (or enslaved staffer), (Note from skippy: Enslaved staffer! I want one of those!)
What follows is my meager attempt at adding a few items to your list. As in the original, everything on this list either happened to myself, or to a close friend (the two of us have a bit of a rep). Spreading a little bit of insanity every day while deployed to Afghanistan actually kept us sane. Most of these list items have stories that go with them, and I will gladly share them with your readers if you and they ask for it.
So anyways, here goes. A list of things I’m no longer allowed to do in a Canadian Army Weapons Maintenance Shop:
(Submited by Tekno)
1.) “It’s a device to make you ask stupid questions. I see it works well.” Is never an appropriate answer when someone asks me what I’m doing.
2.) A hammer is very rarely the appropriate tool to use when fixing small arms.
3.) A sledge hammer is never the appropriate tool to use when fixing small arms.
a.) Especially if the operator is watching.
4.) The “Weapon Gods” to not exist, and we do not need to sacrifice a pistol before range practice.
5.) Pants must be worn in the vehicles at all times.
6.) “Self-Gratification Wednesday” does not really exist, and cannot be considered a holiday.
a.) Time off will not be given for Self Gratification Wednesdays.
b.) Extra socks will not be given out for Self Gratification Wednesdays.
c.) Not allowed to ask to borrow socks on Tuesdays.
d.) Not allowed to return socks I stole, they don’t want them back. Just burn them, you sick, sick bastard.
7.) Fuzzy dice do not belong on a combat vehicle.
a.) Neither do custom shift knobs, seat covers, comical license plate frames, or LED valve stem caps.
b.) Spray painting “PIMP MOBILE” on the bumper next to the tactical symbol does not count as camouflage.
8.) Ether can NOT be sprayed into the intake snorkel of the new Mercedes light truck to make a poor man’s nitrous kit. (The mechanics hate that question)
9.) “Operator Headspace” cannot be the official fault listed for a weapons malfunction.
a.) Even if it was his stupid fault.
b.) Especially if they’re still in earshot.
10.) Not allowed to try to mail an AK-47 home, piece by piece.
11.) When I go to the Camp Sergeant Major’s office, and he asks who I am, I am not allowed to look at him dumbly, and point at my name tag, and my rank.
12.) Not allowed to make, demonstrate, instruct in the use of, or write about making the following weapons during working hours:
a.) Fertilizer and diesel fuel explosives.
b.) Styrofoam and Gasoline Napalm.
d.) Bleach and Floor Cleaner Mustard Gas.
e.) Sword, knives, shanks or any other bladed or other pointy implements.
13.) Not allowed to make splice cable for my vehicle intercom to patch in an mp3 player. Slipknot, Rammstein and Drowning Pool are not appropriate music for deployed operations.
a.) But goddam, that was the best drive through Kabul ever.
14.) “Next time duck, fucker” is not an appropriate inscription in a get well card for a friend who hit an IED.
15.) Grenovia is not a real country, just a made up place to use as OPFOR (the bad guys) during exercises.
a.) I am not allowed to claim to be a Grenovian.
b.) I am not allowed to fly the Grenovian flag off my truck.
c.) The Grenovians do not have a battlecry, and I don’t either.
d.) The Grenovians are not oppressed people, and do not have a Liberation Front.
e.) I am not a member of the Grenovian Liberation Front.
f.) I cannot recruit for the Grenovian Liberation Front.
16.) Helicopter Door Gunners are to be called by their official title “Mission Specialists”, and not as “Gun Monkeys”.
17.) Not Allowed to Combat lock vehicles to take naps in them.
18.) Not Allowed to Lock the weapons vaults from the inside to take naps in them.
19.) The Army does not have a “Siesta”, and no, you cant ask for one.
20.) Not Allowed to use Airsoft guns during 0 Groups.
21.) Not Allowed to use Airsoft Guns on Parades.
22.) Not Allowed to use Airsoft Guns against Snr NCO’s as they walk across the shop floor.
23.) No Longer allowed to bring airsoft guns to work, PERIOD, what the Hell is Wrong with You?
24.) As military-related as it is, Skippy’s List is not an official publication, and cannot be disseminated during 0 Groups. Skippy’s List also does not count as On Job Training for Apprentice Technicians.