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Things I’m no longer allowed to do in a Canadian Army Weapons Maintenance Shop:

February 22nd, 2009 by skippy

Skippy (or enslaved staffer), (Note from skippy: Enslaved staffer! I want one of those!)

What follows is my meager attempt at adding a few items to your list.  As in the original, everything on this list either happened to myself, or to a close friend (the two of us have a bit of a rep).  Spreading a little bit of insanity every day while deployed to Afghanistan actually kept us sane.  Most of these list items have stories that go with them, and I will gladly share them with your readers if you and they ask for it.

So anyways, here goes.  A list of things I’m no longer allowed to do in a Canadian Army Weapons Maintenance Shop:

(Submited by Tekno)

1.) “It’s a device to make you ask stupid questions.  I see it works well.”  Is never an appropriate answer when someone asks me what I’m doing.

2.) A hammer is very rarely the appropriate tool to use when fixing small arms.

3.) A sledge hammer is never the appropriate tool to use when fixing small arms.

a.) Especially if the operator is watching.

4.) The “Weapon Gods” to not exist, and we do not need to sacrifice a pistol before range practice.

5.) Pants must be worn in the vehicles at all times.

6.) “Self-Gratification Wednesday” does not really exist, and cannot be considered a holiday.
a.) Time off will not be given for Self Gratification Wednesdays.
b.) Extra socks will not be given out for Self Gratification Wednesdays.
c.) Not allowed to ask to borrow socks on Tuesdays.
d.) Not allowed to return socks I stole, they don’t want them back. Just burn them, you sick, sick bastard.

7.) Fuzzy dice do not belong on a combat vehicle.
a.) Neither do custom shift knobs, seat covers, comical license plate frames, or LED valve stem caps.
b.) Spray painting “PIMP MOBILE” on the bumper next to the tactical symbol does not count as camouflage.

8.) Ether can NOT be sprayed into the intake snorkel of the new Mercedes light truck to make a poor man’s nitrous kit. (The mechanics hate that question)

9.) “Operator Headspace” cannot be the official fault listed for a weapons malfunction.
a.) Even if it was his stupid fault.
b.) Especially if they’re still in earshot.

10.) Not allowed to try to mail an AK-47 home, piece by piece.

11.) When I go to the Camp Sergeant Major’s office, and he asks who I am, I am not allowed to look at him dumbly, and point at my name tag, and my rank.

12.) Not allowed to make, demonstrate, instruct in the use of, or write about making the following weapons during working hours:
a.) Fertilizer and diesel fuel explosives.
b.) Styrofoam and Gasoline Napalm.
c.) Catapults.
d.) Bleach and Floor Cleaner Mustard Gas.
e.) Sword, knives, shanks or any other bladed or other pointy implements.

13.) Not allowed to make splice cable for my vehicle intercom to patch in an mp3 player.  Slipknot, Rammstein and Drowning Pool are not appropriate music for deployed operations.
a.) But goddam, that was the best drive through Kabul ever.

14.) “Next time duck, fucker” is not an appropriate inscription in a get well card for a friend who hit an IED.

15.) Grenovia is not a real country, just a made up place to use as OPFOR (the bad guys) during exercises.
a.) I am not allowed to claim to be a Grenovian.
b.) I am not allowed to fly the Grenovian flag off my truck.
c.) The Grenovians do not have a battlecry, and I don’t either.
d.) The Grenovians are not oppressed people, and do not have a Liberation Front.
e.) I am not a member of the Grenovian Liberation Front.
f.) I cannot recruit for the Grenovian Liberation Front.

16.) Helicopter Door Gunners are to be called by their official title “Mission Specialists”, and not as “Gun Monkeys”.

17.) Not Allowed to Combat lock vehicles to take naps in them.

18.) Not Allowed to Lock the weapons vaults from the inside to take naps in them.

19.) The Army does not have a “Siesta”, and no, you cant ask for one.

20.) Not Allowed to use Airsoft guns during 0 Groups.

21.) Not Allowed to use Airsoft Guns on Parades.

22.) Not Allowed to use Airsoft Guns against Snr NCO’s as they walk across the shop floor.

23.) No Longer allowed to bring airsoft guns to work, PERIOD, what the Hell is Wrong with You?

24.) As military-related as it is, Skippy’s List is not an official publication, and cannot be disseminated during 0 Groups.  Skippy’s List also does not count as On Job Training for Apprentice Technicians.

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53 Responses to “Things I’m no longer allowed to do in a Canadian Army Weapons Maintenance Shop:”

  1. Thrice I Lose Says:

    Not allowed to tell your Team Leader, when given a tasker, to “get back with me in 5 minutes and I’ll let you know, Sergeant.” This makes veins in their foreheads pop out in places never imagined.

    Reply

  2. L.B. Says:

    … Actually I wouldn’t mind hearing about Self Gratification Wednesdays and being from Grenovia ^_^

    Nice list lol

    Reply

    Tekno reply on February 23rd, 2009 5:56 am:

    Ask and ye shall receive, my friend.

    Reply

    cmdr. crashlander reply on May 13th, 2011 3:26 am:

    actually, I have the black star on my right shoulder as well and
    OPFOR on my left pocket.
    LONG LIVE GRENOVIA!!!
    P.S. PSYOP is still a blast after all these years.
    (well, Fuck. Some one has to do it)

    Reply

  3. Nuchtchas Says:

    The stories for each of these are nothing but LOLs waiting to happen :)

    Crazy Canucks!

    Reply

  4. Xavie Says:

    Dear Tek,

    As a Host of the Self Gratification Wednesdays in Grenovia we are deeply saddened by your list of nono’s. Please accept this package of tube socks as a peace offering.

    Col. Mustard

    Reply

    Judgeferis reply on February 24th, 2009 1:59 pm:

    Oh!!!! Can i has tube socks? XD

    Hail from Grenovia!!!!!

    Captcha: Take Madam – …take Madam Grenovian here, FINE specimen for explsosives! :D XD

    Reply

  5. Thrice I Lose Says:

    A buddy of mine actually had a note left in his clothes bag from KBR telling him to never to leave “soiled” socks in his bag again. Apparently they could have walked themselves to formation.

    Reply

  6. Phelps Says:

    Who the fuck gave the Canadians weapons?

    Reply

    Sweet Sister Morphine reply on February 23rd, 2009 2:30 am:

    The Grenovians.

    Reply

    Schwal reply on February 23rd, 2009 2:31 am:

    Wild guess here, but maybe Canada?

    Reply

    Anselm reply on March 2nd, 2009 9:24 pm:

    Figures…

    Reply

    Ozman reply on February 23rd, 2009 2:32 am:

    Not real weapons didn’t you read, they get Airsoft guns. Well I guess not even that now.

    Reply

    TheShadowCat reply on February 23rd, 2009 7:22 pm:

    Just proves that ‘Weird’ Al was right, we need to do a preemptive strike before they see it coming. ;-)

    CAPTCHA – Bayard ing – I think Bayard lost his ing.

    Reply

  7. Speed Says:

    I bet the Grenovian Liberation Front has Self Gratification Wednesday.

    Gun Monkeys! I’d forgotten that one. Kinda like trunk monkeys – last gunner in convoy, formation, etc.

    captcha: stringfellow mecca – on 2nd thought, I’d better not comment.

    Reply

    Tekno reply on February 23rd, 2009 6:00 am:

    Indeed they do, lol.

    I’ll have to get busy and write that story for you guys.

    Captcha: 1,3:20,5:40 goals – If they think I can run the mile in those times, they can keep thinkin.

    Reply

    David B reply on February 26th, 2014 2:07 pm:

    10.) Not allowed to try to mail an AK-47 home, piece by piece.

    Were you inspired by Radar, and how far along did you get?

    Reply

    paula reply on February 23rd, 2009 8:57 am:

    And wouldn’t the world be a better place if we ALL had Self Gratification Wednesdays?!?

    Reply

  8. Kieran Says:

    4.) The “Weapon Gods” to not exist, and we do not need to sacrifice a pistol before range practice.

    weapon gods may not exist but war and forge gods do ;) you just need to invoke Ares, Tyr, Thor, Hephaestus ect :P

    Reply

    Sicarius reply on February 23rd, 2009 7:43 am:

    Ares, Tyr, and Thor were just ancient versions of Khorne, my friend. Hephaestus was obviously the Omnissiah. Get with the 41st millenium.

    Reply

    Tekno reply on February 23rd, 2009 8:12 am:

    BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!!!

    Reply

    GBlair reply on February 23rd, 2009 10:52 am:

    Sorry but Hephaestus sounds like the name of a sexually transmitted disease!

    Back on topic nice list.

    Reply

    SKD reply on February 23rd, 2009 6:15 pm:

    Hephaestus – Crippled Greek God of the Forge

    Kieran reply on February 23rd, 2009 4:50 pm:

    lol brother i am devoted worshiper of the blood god. i just used those examples so i didn’t leave some people scratching their heads as to who the hell Khorne is :P

    Reply

  9. Dave Van Domelen Says:

    12e) What about pointed sticks?

    Reply

    Tekno reply on February 23rd, 2009 7:59 am:

    I believe that pointed sticks fall into their “STOP MAKING WEAPONS AT WORK, DAMMIT!” Clause. I had an apprentice technician working with me, and during a lull in work, I just told him to keep busy. By the end of the day, he’d made himself a hand-held crossbow. After firing a few bolts across the shop, I told him to quietly take it home, and not tell anyone.

    The next day, I find out he put pictures of it online, on a social networking site. I was pissed, I was ranting, and I was overheard by the Sgt. We were told to stop making weapons at work, and got the whole “you should use your years of experience to know better” speech. God I hate that speech.

    Reply

    Kieran reply on February 23rd, 2009 4:55 pm:

    truthfully i would of thought your years of experience were best used in maintaining and making weapons to begin with :P

    Reply

    Tsume reply on February 25th, 2009 3:13 pm:

    Yeah, we got that speech when my buddy (a 38 yr old spc) decided to carve a broadsword from a 2×6 in Iraq.

    Reply

  10. Alex Says:

    This was awesome.

    Harbors Pies: I’ll hide 10-25 at a time from federal agents.

    Reply

  11. SGT Hay Says:

    That’s a good list!

    They always make us use a made up name for whatever 3rd world country our OpFor guys are portraying this month, and I’m no longer allowed to suggest “Asskrakistan” (stolen from AFBlues, but still hilarious) during training meetings.

    Reply

    Speed reply on February 23rd, 2009 1:38 pm:

    I almost got away with naming a town Assendofnowhere, Iraq for an exercise. The warrants got a laugh out of it though.

    Reply

  12. SPC Johnson Says:

    13.) Not allowed to make splice cable for my vehicle intercom to patch in an mp3 player. Slipknot, Rammstein and Drowning Pool are not appropriate music for deployed operations.

    I was actually ordered to make one for the first convoy in our new MRAP.

    Reply

    Judgeferis reply on February 24th, 2009 2:03 pm:

    holy shite…can i listen in?! :DDDD

    captcha: Merriman tional – …*tapes mouth shut*

    Reply

  13. Lee Says:

    13.) Not allowed to make splice cable for my vehicle intercom to patch in an mp3 player. Slipknot, Rammstein and Drowning Pool are not appropriate music for deployed operations.

    Hmm im told the 3rd ID guys do that all the time.
    Forget the Canadians if they have a problem with Rammstein. Them and Disturbed are the only good music for waging war. Blast that out the top of a humvee and watch the OPFOR scatter like roaches.
    Forget Khorne. Can you really follow a god of war named for a veggy?
    No paladins in power armor….thats fun.

    Reply

    SKD reply on February 23rd, 2009 6:19 pm:

    Don’t forget Wagner

    Captcha “10 Bulgaria” close but he’s actually German

    Reply

  14. Kitty Says:

    God I love the Canucks. Just the right amount of insanity for the commonwealth. I WANT BACKGROUND STORIES DAMMIT!

    Reply

  15. Jordan Says:

    We had a few Canadian’s show up here for some training. They were told to go to the range to qualify. Well being the bearded smart asses you Canadians are instead of asking what they would fire, they showed up with hockey sticks. The CSM laughed so hard he freakin cried.

    J

    Reply

  16. Al Li Says:

    A few things

    4. isn’t the response, “better safe than sorry”?

    6d. you are a VERY, VERY, VERY sick person

    10. how far mdid you get with that?

    12. what about maces, flails, a cat-o-nine-tails, morning-stars, nuchucks, etc.?

    16. what do the GUNNERS think of the term gun monkeys?

    Captcha — an evidence – of what?

    Reply

    Tekno reply on February 23rd, 2009 1:06 pm:

    4. I’m sure the weapon’s gods were angry at my refusal to offer the proper sacrifice…so in the future i just do my dark rituals in the privacy of the vault before leaving for the range. I know its not the same, but at least the chain of command doesnt wonder why I’m talking about sacrificing pistols over a fire while I do my “Mugu Mugu” dance.

    6d. Why thank you!

    10. Not very far actually, we were shut down in the idea phase by an eavesdropping Snr NCO.

    12. All fall into the Pointy weapons category, sadly enough…read above reply posts for background.

    16. I havent been brave enough to call one of the gunners a gun monkey to their face. I’m sure they’d take it well in context, but I’m just not that willing to have my arms broken in case they dont.

    Captcha: The Dreamed – the disillusioned.

    Reply

    Al Li reply on February 23rd, 2009 2:11 pm:

    Neither a cat nor a pair of nunchuks should fall into the pointy weapons category. Not unless you were putting pieces of glass through the knots on the cat.

    Reply

    Judgeferis reply on February 24th, 2009 2:06 pm:

    what about a cat-o-nine-tails…? i has one if you wants it…:3 XD

  17. Tekno Says:

    Well a cat’s claws and teeth are pointy, and nunchuks i’d never bother with because with the level of skill and co-ordination they’d be more of a hazard to me than any enemy.

    Now…if you tied two cats together to make a pair of furry clawed nunchucks….hrmm….

    Reply

  18. laughing-in-class Says:

    Next time use Licorice whips and Mentos. They aren’t sharp, they aren’t pointy, and you can eat the evidence before getting caught! Sure, they may not cause mutch damage, unless you manage to hit a dude in the eye, the the WTF factor is great. Same with rubber bands and paper clips.

    captcha: Monkees Teddy- Davy’s dirty little secret

    Reply

  19. Sequoia Says:

    12: You know, you could always just use my friends and I’s weapon of choice, KALI-MAH.

    Reply

  20. Compu-scout Says:

    Not allowed to splice??? That’s just no fair. I did that number back in ’87 at NTC. Hooked in a boom box and loudspeakers to my platoon’s commo net. 6 Bradleys all with loudspeakers and amps in California High desert. Now imagine the fun when my LT said NOW! over the ‘net while letting the 82nd ABN come to within about 300 meters at night. 1200 watts of “Scotland Forever” = 1 captured company of infantry and an request for 120 pairs of clean underwear. Good times.

    Reply

  21. knight owl Says:

    10.) Not allowed to try to mail an AK-47 home, piece by piece.

    they frown on that, prolly cuz too many people making deals for war trophies in the past. i’m the mail clerk for my company, and they have quite teh collection up at the APO of collected items.

    1200 watts of “Scotland Forever” = 1 captured company of infantry and an request for 120 pairs of clean underwear. Good times.

    that would be a sight to see, indeed.

    Reply

  22. John Stephens Says:

    Re: Item 12d

    Bleach and ammonia produce Chlorine Gas, not Mustard. Mustard Gas is a vesicant (blister producing) agent, and Chlorine is a choking agent. I spent two weeks of my military career learning all about these things, and this is the first time I’ve ever had a chance to use that knowledge.

    Which is probably a good thing.

    Reply

    Jim A reply on February 25th, 2009 6:42 am:

    Yeah, for mustard you have to react sulfur dichloride with ethelyne….

    Reply

    Tekno reply on February 25th, 2009 8:34 am:

    picky picky picky…. still, Lol, story stands.

    Reply

  23. Grayson Says:

    Magnificent list, Tekno!! However, I feel compelled to add a few comments….
    2) A hammer should not be used for repairing small arms; it should actually be used on people who BREAK small arms.
    4) We should all make the occasional sacrifice to the Weapons Gods; firing off a full case of ammo is considered to be very acceptable. Not to mention lots of fun.
    8) Ether is sometimes sprayed into the air intake of a diesel engine to give it a boost for cold weather starting; it is NOT used for regular operation. Overusing ether tends to make diesel engines do really bad things. In fact, using ether on a gasoline engine may make parts of said engine fly in unexpected directions, at suprisingly high speeds (and PLEASE don’t ask how I learned this).
    15)B) Just what does the Grenovian flag look like anyways? I think somebody should send in a picture for Skippy to post on the website.
    15)C) I have been notified that the Grenovians DO have a battle cry – It’s pronounced, ‘UUPYAARS!!’
    19) The reason the Canadian Army does not have anything resembling a ‘Siesta’ is that there is no French word for Siesta, and usage of this word is therefore against Canadian law (thanks to the jackbooted Quebec language police).
    Ah, just remembered something very important…..
    16) NEVER EVER call a helicopter doorgunner a ‘gun monkey’. For any reason. They will offer you flying lessons: you go out the helo door at 100 kph, at 100 feet off the ground, and if you learn to fly before planet Earth smacks you, you’re doing very well indeed.
    Instead, you should address them by their proper title: ‘Aerial Death Technicians’. Not only is this much better sounding, it may someday get you a free beer (or more) in the enlisted ranks bar. Or possibly a free helicopter flight, the kind you enjoy.

    Cheers!

    Reply

  24. Mlynnr Says:

    Heh. Does this mean you have joint Grenovian-Canadian citizenship? And was Self-gratification Wednesday part of the Citizenship Test? If you skipped the pointed stick and just used the paper bag you’d be able to recycle instead…

    I dunno, ‘Weapons Gods’ make as much sense to me as any of the others on offer out there (and how do they KNOW there ain’t any such thing? It’s a conspiracy I tells ya!) and the altar sacrifice is a lot more reasonable!

    Capcha: 7.8 holder – God, I hope it fits

    Reply

  25. Dainis Says:

    So what airsoft guns were you using? You wouldn’t happen to be an ASC member, would you? And finally, I am officially making a request for the backstory on the airsoft ones…as an airsofter from Canada I’m curious to know what our valiant troops are doing with 6mm BBs.

    Reply

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    Reply

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