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Things That You Should Not Do In A Family Owned Retail Store

February 8th, 2009 by skippy

Note from submitter:

I have done most of these, but those that I have not personally done others have. I retain my job because I am polite to the customers (within their hearing) and “dementedly funny” the rest of the time. (I quote my department boss there.) Some insanity is, I firmly believe, absolutely vital for surviving a 9 hour shift with a bunch of people that you might not spend time with if you were not forced to work together. Most places I have worked are worthy of lists like this, and I believe that every employee ever could put a list together. Unless you are a sad, dull, boring horrible person. In which case do six to eight tequila slammers and then try again. You might not do any better, but at least it will seem more amusing because you are drunk.

(Submitted by Catherine)

  • Not to build forts with empty boxes
  • Not to build castles with empty boxes
  • Not to leave a list of employee names for the manager with the heading “need firing”
  • Even if they do.
  • I am not allowed to declare martial law.
  • Not to refer to the stockboys as “grunts”
  • Not to destroy the self-esteem of any stock guy by loudly whispering “oh my god, look at his acne!”
  • Even if I do hate him.
  • Even if he deserves it.
  • When training a new hire on register, not to insist that they refer to me as “Drill Sergent Ma’am.”
  • Not authorized to fire managers.
  • Not authorized to fire stockboys
  • Not authorized to fire office staff
  • Not authorized to fire register staff
  • Not authorized to fire anyone, period.
  • If I am promoted to manager, I can fire any of the above save other managers.
  • Just because the hardware manager shoots paperclips at the clothing manager does not mean that I can.
  • Same holds for candy
  • Same holds for paper airplanes.
  • If I win the lottery, not allowed to buy the store simply to “fire all the assholes.”
  • Not allowed to test the sexual orientation of anyone with blow-up dolls.
  • Or blow up sheep
  • At least while on the clock.
  • Not to purposely slash bags of candy with my box cutter so that we can eat it.
  • Same holds true for Little Debbie snacks.
  • And peanuts
  • And trail mix
  • Not allowed to carry a box cutter in the snack department any longer.
  • Not to act like a concert pianist when ringing up a customer.
  • May not make myself a name tag that reads “Maestro of the Register”
  • My box cutter is not a weapon
  • We acknowledge your skill as the best register runner. Should not laugh and smile condescendingly when managers need my help to get the damn things to work.
  • It is rather silly to use my 10% employee discout on a 10 cent piece of laffy taffy.
  • Even if I do have 11 years of martial arts experience, if commanded to give over my drawer by a robber I really should not “shove his feet up his own ass and pull them out his mouth.”
  • Also not to stab any robbers with a pen.
  • Or a pencil.
  • Not allowed to see if I can kill him with a paperclip.
  • Or a safety pin.
  • Or a teacup
  • If my martial arts instructor (a retired Green Beret who fought in Vietnam) is particularly fond of a technique, not to attempt it on anybody while on the clock.
  • Even if it is a criminal intent on rape and murder.
  • Because no one deserves to die that way, that’s why.
  • Not allowed to refer to customers as “fat, stupid sheep.”
  • Even if this is true.
  • Not to speculate on the sexual habits of the company’s owner and his wife.
  • Not to insinuate that ball gags and rubber catsuits play any role in the above.
  • Even if they do.
  • Not allowed to fire up one of the grills on the sale floor and “cook up some steaks”
  • Or burgers
  • Even if I do make delicious burgers.
  • Not allowed to have a bonfire in the parking lot
  • Even if it would be a cheaper method of cardboard disposal than having the bales trucked away to the recycling center.
  • Not allowed to toast marshmallows over the toaster in the break room any longer.
  • And I’m the one who gets to scrub the burnt sugar bits off of the table.
  • Not allowed to play with the muzzle loaders in the sporting goods section
  • Not allowed to play with the longbows in the sporting goods section
  • Not allowed to play with the knives in the sporting goods section
  • Not allowed to play with the machetes from the sporting goods section
  • Particularly not allowed to do this while wearing a hockey mask
  • Not allowed to play with the hatchets from the sporting goods section
  • Especially not while singing the Lizzie Borden song under my breath (She gave her father forty whacks/and then when she was finally through/she gave her mother forty two)
  • Generally, not to touch anything in the sporting goods section.
  • Tent camping is not for “smelly goddamn hippies.” I should not tell customers so.
  • When a customer asks where we keep the lengths of chain, not to raise eyebrows and say “oh, so you swing that way, do you?”
  • Even if I know him and he’s a good friend.
  • Even if he does swing that way.
  • Not allowed to strip-search hot customers whom I suspect of shoplifting.
  • Even if they want me to.
  • Even if it is true that it is possible to kill a man with his own knife without physically touching it, I should not demonstrate this technique to any coworkers or customers. (It is possible. My martial arts instructor taught us (my class). He even told us that it saved his life once in Vietnam.)
  • Not supposed to eat the food that my coworkers have stashed in the break room.
  • Even if the managers do it.
  • Just because we are a small buisness and the owner of the store has his office upstairs, does not mean that I can go over the store managers head.
  • Except when I do.
  • And I did convince him to shell out for new credit card machines, so hahahahaha.
  • Not allowed to “purge” the clothing department of taper-legged jeans, sweatshirts with blinking trees on them, flat square-toed chunky shoes, elastic waists, anything with “juicy” written across the tits or ass, and similar crimes against good taste and aesthetic sense.
  • Especially if this plan involves a bonfire.
  • Even if the gay manager from housewares offers to help me.
  • We don’t care if they look horrible, they sell, dammit.
  • We don’t care how people look, no. We care about sales.
  • No, you can’t take over the clothing manager’s job.
  • Not to go down the toy aisles and push every button on every toy to make them all sing at once.
  • Not to do the cheerleader dance while doing this.
  • Even if you learned both of these behaviors from the clothing manager.
  • OK, if she starts it you may join in.
  • Not allowed to play good cop/bad cop in the backroom when detaining shoplifters. The police do that when they get here.
  • Not allowed to use any Dirty Harry quote in the backroom while detaining shoplifters
  • Not allowed to touch the police officer’s gun.
  • Not allowed to “touch the police officer’s gun”, if you know what I mean.
  • I may do this after my shift ends when the officer offers to take me back to his place.
  • Also may utilize handcuffs, as long as it is in his place after my shift.
  • I shall not set up the gay housewares manager with any of my gay friends.
  • Unless they hit it off and start dating (SOOO cute together J)
  • May not demand my paycheck “in shoe form”
  • I may however cash my paycheck and then return to the store and buy 20 pairs of stilettos.
  • Not allowed to wear stiletto slingback open toe pumps during my shift.
  • Even if they are completely fabulous.
  • And sexy sexy sex in patent leather form.
  • Even if I can walk in heels for 8 hours without discomfort
  • Look, just change into the heels after my shift is over, ok?
  • Fine, closed-toe heels are acceptable, but don’t be whining that my feet hurt, dammit.
  • Not to construct a working scale model catapult from paper clips, glue, and rubber bands.
  • At least, don’t fire it at coworkers.
  • No giggling when customers ask where the condoms/lubes are.
  • Superglue does in fact fix everything.
  • At least, in conjunction with duct tape.
  • Customers are not always right. In fact, most customers could not locate their ass with both hands and a map.
  • The bitchier the person, the less likely that they will receive good service.
  • The nicer the person, the more likely I am to “remember” that special sale that we don’t have listed in this week’s ad.
  • The owner does, in fact, own me. At least while on the clock.
  • Bringing cookies when the office lady who processes raise eligibility is in the process of employee evaluations is a winning strategy.
  • Especially the double chocolate drops with walnuts. Those are her favorite.
  • Breaks are 15 minutes, not 45.
  • Not allowed to clock out for break 15 minutes before the store closes and “forget” to clock back in before I leave. I will not be paid for a 17 hour break.
  • Not to buy a bullwhip and leave it on the hardware manager’s desk as a gag gift for his birthday. He might decide that the stockboys do need a little extra goading.
  • Not to leave the same on the owner’s desk. He might decide that the department managers need a little extra goading.
  • The owner’s blackberry is strictly off limits.
  • Not allowed to know any of those credit card numbers.
  • Not allowed to threaten blackmail with said credit card numbers.
  • Not allowed to sell the souls of my coworkers on eBay.
  • Not allowed to sell the souls of any managers on eBay.
  • Not allowed to sell the owner’s soul on eBay.
  • In this case, because he does not, actually, posses a soul.
  • I did not hear the sporting goods manager say that.
  • That comment had nothing to do with the sporting goods manager’s salary. Absolutely nothing. Nope. Not a thing.
  • Not allowed to take out credit cards in the owner’s name.
  • Even if his gross income after taxes is in excess of 7 million yearly.
  • Wait, how did I learn that, anyways?
  • When watering the greenhouse in the summer, not to take spontaneous showers.
  • We don’t care how hot it is out there.
  • I am forgiven if the cheap hose that the seasonal manager makes us use and has repaired 20 times with duct tape explodes.
  • Particularly if the owner laughed hard enough at that scene on the security tape to fall most of the way out of his chair.
  • I am however not allowed to go home and change. I will change into a new uniform in the employee bathroom. Even though my undies are soaked and soak through 3 uniform shirts by the end of the night.
  • Though that was rather nicely refreshing, to have nice cool undies.
  • No, I have no sense of shame.

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29 Responses to “Things That You Should Not Do In A Family Owned Retail Store”

  1. Sicarius Says:

    …damn, I wish I worked at your place. That sounds like so much fun.

    Reply

  2. Stickfodder Says:

    What kind of psychopath asks for lengths of chain?

    Reply

    Sean Beattie reply on February 9th, 2009 2:03 am:

    When rope just won’t do the trick?

    Reply

    Thomas reply on February 9th, 2009 2:36 am:

    Go to rural alabama/florida and it’s fairly common. “Hey der boy, ken i git sum dat der chane. i need me bout 6 foot, tryin to huk up my trailer hitch”

    i worked at Ace Hardware for a long time.

    Reply

    Sequoia reply on February 11th, 2009 12:49 pm:

    That’s more like urban UP.

    Reply

  3. Anonymous and STILL Employed Says:

    Damn, It’s like looking in some kind of weird female mirror. I need something to drink.

    Reply

  4. GBlair Says:

    Why were my co-workers never like this when I worked in a shop dammit!

    Reply

  5. Billy Says:

    And to think, everybody at Target thinks it’s bad that I belive that the solution to every problem there is either fire or explosives.

    Reply

    Minty reply on February 9th, 2009 12:08 pm:

    Well, of course, it’s Target. It, Wal-Mart and K-Mart are “The Man” of retail, and “The Man” forbids its slaves to possess a modicum of humor and/or fun.

    Captcha: “Accused worker.” Damn, so many fun things to come up with, so little time. . .

    Reply

    RivCA reply on February 10th, 2009 1:23 pm:

    I work at Target, too. To be honest, though, I work in the backroom. I can “conveniently” make stuff “disappear,” and fire/explosives can solve just about any problem.

    As long as you made the stuff disappear when you get off the clock. Once you’re no longer in uniform, you’re no longer their problem.

    Captcha: Roses absorption. As our new list-giver can attest, underwear seems to be quite absorbent…

    Reply

    Raven Prometheus reply on February 9th, 2009 12:12 pm:

    EOD addage: There is no problem too big that it cannot be solved with the proper application of High Explosives.

    Reply

    David B reply on June 28th, 2014 3:57 pm:

    Don’t forget about thermite!
    In senior year of high school, we (the metal shop class and I) cut our district superintendent’s Yamaha rice-grinder in half with 2 lbs of the stuff. (It was cut the short way, just behind the gas tank so the thing wouldn’t go off. We siphoned the gas out, though, just in case.) He had cut the budget for the metal program, and we needed new welders and a new furnace for the foundry. We had to do a damn brat fry to raise the money to get more acetaline for the oxyfuel torches.

    Reply

  6. Raven Prometheus Says:

    Sporting goods, housewares, hardware, clothing, shoes, candy, the owner right upstairs…? This stored didn’t also have a military surplus and be in Norhtern Utah, did it. All of that sounds disturbingly familiar to a place I worked in High School….

    Reply

  7. Lafay Says:

    Anyone else turned on by this woman? Haha

    Reply

    Dave in NC reply on February 10th, 2009 8:14 am:

    :Raises Hand:

    Reply

    Judge reply on February 12th, 2009 5:43 pm:

    *raises both hands, then puts down the one with the bullwhip* :D

    Captcha: Souvlaki Counter…dont know what a souvlaki is…but i dont think i wanna be counting them

    Reply

    Dave in NC reply on February 13th, 2009 12:11 am:

    Souvlaki are delicious Greek dishes w/pitas filed with cheese, meat, veggies and sauce. If you don’t wanna count ’em I will (as I eat ’em!)

    Kasterborus reply on August 9th, 2009 8:04 pm:

    *raises both and hands and center leg*

    -Kaster

    Reply

    PNWComputerGuy reply on April 7th, 2012 1:17 pm:

    Turned on? Hell, I’ll marry her, sight unseen!

    Reply

  8. Jordan Says:

    I worked retail before too and must add some

    Not allowed to tell the new people to go fetch carts in -5 degrees with 6 inches of snow in the parking lot, and tell them “coats are not allowed”

    Throwing spoiled produce at co-workers you don’t like who smell so they might actually shower will get you a stern lecture.

    Diming out the frozen foods manager for nailing the owner’s underage daughter at the christmas party is not a good way to get a raise/out of trouble

    Breaking 3 beers in a case of 24 is a good way to get a free 21 pack

    Mistakingly putting black olives on a cheese pizza will not get you a free pizza.

    Informing your boss that you saw someone key his car 2 hrs after it happened is not the right answer.

    Even if he was in a meeting

    Even though its a beat ass pontiac sunfire

    Telling customers “Those pants are too small for you” doesnt make sales

    When over hearing a ‘robust’ woman was once Bulemic telling her she needs to go back to Bulemia is a way to make her cry.

    Lastly, putting the door locks on so you dont have to do shit is a good way to make the phone ring alot

    Reply

  9. Catherine Says:

    Paul’s, in rural Iowa. Cross between a department store, an Ace hardware, and a Cabela’s. We sell Silver and Lucky jeans right next to the catfish bait.
    It’s a fun place to work.

    Reply

  10. CCO Says:

    You mean y’all don’t make your own pull chains?

    (ReCaptcah: might from — Y’all not might not be from around here, huh?)

    Reply

  11. TheShadowCat Says:

    My husband works for PayPal which is owned by ebay. I’ve sent this to him.

    CAPTCHA- clung 8)Rex Humbard – I swear I didn’t make that one up.

    Reply

    Dave in NC reply on February 10th, 2009 8:13 am:

    I can only imagine what a PayPal list would be…I want to read that list.

    captcha: consent savings — ooooo creepy

    Reply

  12. Rio Says:

    Not allowed to use those little cardboard price tags to make a full deck of cards.

    Not allowed to cut fun shapes out of gift cards.

    Not allowed to make jewelry out of those fun shapes.

    Also not allowed to cut gift cards into a makeshift knife.

    Not allowed to draw graffiti on the stock room walls, even if no customer will ever see it.

    Even if it’s behind shelving where even the workers won’t see it.

    Not allowed to call coworkers “my inmates” in front of customers, even if they laugh.

    Not allowed to throw things at my boss, even if he throws things at me.

    Reply

  13. Frank Says:

    Wow…That’s a funny list. I think that some of those shouldn’t be on the list though.

    Reply

  14. SeaBiscuit Says:

    … I… I think I love you… I WISH I had thought of that much fun stuff at my job.

    Congratulations on staying sane!

    Reply

  15. Kasterborus Says:

    This is gonna get used…

    -Kaster

    Reply

  16. David B Says:

    I am forgiven if the cheap hose that the seasonal manager makes us use and has repaired 20 times with duct tape explodes.
    Particularly if the owner laughed hard enough at that scene on the security tape to fall most of the way out of his chair.
    Anyone else want to see the tape?

    Reply

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