The Petrol Station Part 2: Electric Bugaloo
Last week I got the following email:
Hey after the first petrol station list and the amount of replies it got, I figured you might want this one, there’s been a few management changes were I work and a couple of policies got altered, so without further ado, here’s the Anonymous and Still Employed list Part 2:
(Submitted by Anonymous and Still Employed)
1. Staff can’t take items from the lost and found home to their new puppy
2. Price tags do not belong on important equipment such as the cash register, coffee machines, or the automatic doors
3. The shift ends when the clock on the wall says so, not when my wristwatch does – Especially when my watch stopped three days ago
4. Not allowed to change the time on the wall clock
5. Not even when I point out that it changes anyway
6. Not allowed to hold out on my staff training until the manager offers to pay me for doing it
7. Our new manager is not the She-Hulk
8. She-Hulk is not to be used as a verb when talking about our new manager
9. None of my co-workers are called “Weird Murderin’ Steve” or “Crazy Man Dave”
10. Not allowed to compare mental conditions with my co-worker’s fiancé
11. Just because there are no customers doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be doing something
12. Not allowed to use work time to tell other staff were they can find free booze
13. Not allowed to sing
14. Especially if the song contains threats to our customers (“Remember when you’re being rude/ We’re the ones that cook your food/ So just take care”)
15. In case of staff searches, leave all nonessential items at home, that includes chicken bones on a string and tablespoons
16. It should not be possible to trap your genitals in the cash register (and it looks really awkward on an accident form)
17. If another staff member is dealing with a difficult customer, I should help them, not point and laugh
18. Not allowed to speak in Smurf
19. Awkward customers are not “MotherSmurfers”
20. Not allowed to play “the Bruce game” while working (replace every name, place, object and verb with the word “Bruce”)
21. If the company asks me to do something that is technically illegal, I should politely inform them of this fact and refuse to do it. I shouldn’t make a record of the occurrence and use it to try blackmailing my way to higher pay
22. I’m not allowed to use rude words when talking about the territory manager
23. The correct term is “call head office” not “take it to the head-bitch”
24. Buffalo teeth on a string are not part of the dress code
25. Antisocial (allegedly) slogans are not part of the dress code
26. There are no gremlins in our store
27. “This place is cursed.” Is not a helpful comment
28. Chanting “Im-Ho-Tep” is unproductive
29. Whatever it is you’re quoting, it’d better stop right now
30. Not allowed to reminisce about my shady past during work hours – even if the manager did it first
31. Not allowed to discuss fetishes with the other staff in front of customers
32. Not allowed to greet staff at the beginning of my shift with “Right, what’s broken today then?”
33. The coffee machine does not have “some real bad voodoo”
34. When the coffee machine is stripped for cleaning, no one should shout “Kill it! Kill it dead!”
35. Wearing no name badge doesn’t free me from blame
36. Not allowed to alter the uniform by burning it
37. Not allowed to threaten to run away with a full stock trolley when refilling the alcohol cabinets
38. Not allowed to build forts on my lunch break (It just kinda happened)
39. If I don’t know the answer to a customer’s question, I should ask someone who does, not just make up a snappy answer
40. Not entitled to severance pay if I quit
41. Not allowed to fire myself so I receive severance pay
42. What the hell is severance pay, anyway?
43. Most of the coffee equipment can be cleaned in the dishwasher, it does not require that I spend an entire shift in a quiet corner washing it by hand
44. Not allowed to administer staff discounts to myself
45. Not allowed to purchase pie on company time
46. If a customer threatens me, I’m not allowed to laugh at them or take them up on it
47. Not allowed to spread rumours about store closure
48. The manager does not appreciate cheering after telling staff about rumours of store closure
49. If it included Will Ferrel, I should assume I can’t quote, discuss or re-enact it while working
50. Customers do not appreciate Chuck Norris facts
51. (Related to the above) My drunken friends / Relatives / Associates / People like me don’t count
52. (Related to the above) If Chuck Norris ever comes to this store, I will not say anything
53. Not allowed to have customers sign my chest
54. Even though I can’t see it, there IS a difference between the coffees we sell
55. Mr T. voice boxes do not need to come to work
56. Not allowed to purposefully damage stock so that it can be bought at a discount
57. Not allowed to skid around on the icy floor in the freezer
58. For the last time, the freezer is not a toy
59. Not allowed to complain when the kinder surprise display is moved away from my register
60. “FLAMES!” Is not likely to be considered as a solution to anything, so I should stop suggesting it
61. The word “Scum” should not be used when serving customers
62. Screaming and grunting are not forms of communication
63. Communication with customers should take place using a language in which they are fluent
64. When we said “in which they are fluent” we actually meant English, dammit
65. Slang is not a language
66. Pirate is not a language
67. Drunk is not a language
68. Pagan (see the Thief series of video games) is not a language
69. There are no communists here
70. Company environmental policy is not a bunch of empty promises to keep the green freaks happy
71. Not allowed to rewind the security cameras to watch funny things happening
72. Even if he is, it is inappropriate to greet a customer by saying “Daddy!” in a weird voice
73. Not allowed to break down laughing when giving vital information to customers
74. Not allowed to give customers dirty looks when they purchase adult products
75. Not allowed to laugh when customers purchase adult products
76. Not allowed to give advice on use and application when customers purchase adult products
77. No conversations relevant to work include a discussion on Frankenstein’s combat capabilities
78. “Bastard can try it” is not an appropriate response when told the Territory Manager can confiscate money found on your person
79. The Territory Manager is diplomatically immune to beatings
80. Not allowed to hit the manager with a trash bag full of meat
81. Hurting yourself when you (purposefully) headbutt a stock trolley does not mean you can write up an accident form
82. There is no such thing as First / Last Day Immunity
83. It is neither my first or my last day
84. The new guy is not my bitch
85. “No purchase of Alcohol before 8am” applies to staff as well as customers
86. Not allowed to make paper aeroplanes while working
87. Not allowed to make paper aeroplanes out of vital paperwork because it flies better
88. Not allowed to test the lighters behind the register
89. Not allowed to dispose of a lighter that doesn’t work by throwing it at the floor
90. Not allowed to sit down while working
91. Not allowed to stand on one leg while working
92. If I had a fake leg, it wouldn’t count
93. When told by the manager that our store can’t hire disabled people, I shouldn’t automatically volunteer for the more dangerous tasks
94. Just – no
95. When customers (behind me) in a queue complain about the long wait, I shouldn’t deliver a lecture about the rights of man to have a lunch break
96. “The customer is always right” doesn’t apply to statements such as “The sky is green”
97. In fact, the customer is not always right
98. If it was said in the Worms Series of video games, then I cannot say it at work
99. No, “Good morning, how my I help you?” has never been said in the Worms series of video games
100. No matter how fast I need to go home, breaking into a run as soon as my shift ends is bad
Follow
February 1st, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Is it bad when you have done more than half of the things on this list?
Captcha: culinary 1953 – Retro cooking?
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cmdr. crashlander reply on May 14th, 2011 2:09 am:
Eat in your Chevrolet in the USA
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February 2nd, 2009 at 1:20 am
eh seemed kinda strained
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February 2nd, 2009 at 5:39 am
Pagan (see the Thief series of video games) is not a language – I thought I was the only one who ever played that series.
16. It should not be possible to trap your genitals in the cash register (and it looks really awkward on an accident form) – …what?
Captcha: Moses Committee. If they had one of those maybe they wouldn’t have ended up wandering for forty years.
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SKD reply on February 2nd, 2009 8:53 am:
“Captcha: Moses Committee. If they had one of those maybe they wouldn’t have ended up wandering for forty years.” Of course they wouldn’t have wandered for forty years, it would have been closer to a century.
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Sicarius reply on February 2nd, 2009 1:37 pm:
Hey now, I never said they’d end up shortening the time spent being lost.
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cmdr. crashlander reply on May 14th, 2011 2:22 am:
and they would have added a hump.
“a camel is a horse that was designed by commity”
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Anonymous and STILL Employed reply on February 3rd, 2009 9:15 am:
On number 16: Low down cash register + Long legs and tight pants = ouch
I could explain in further detail but I think that covers it
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February 2nd, 2009 at 7:56 am
Man and I thought being a Security Agent was fun. Kudos dude! It was funny as hell!!
Captcha: Dive York: DIVE INTO A YORK MINT PEPPERMENT PATTY!
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February 2nd, 2009 at 8:02 am
This list made me laugh.
Captcha: namely called. What did he want?
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February 2nd, 2009 at 9:10 am
lol…I got a dirty look from my Prof. when I snickered. By Skippy, I WILL convert him to a fellow Skipper? uh…what WOULD you call a Skippy follower? Oh well, he WILL be converted!
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Raven Prometheus reply on February 2nd, 2009 11:22 am:
I like Skippers. Or are we the Skippites? Skippians? That one sounds pretty good….
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Ozman reply on February 2nd, 2009 12:08 pm:
I vote Skippians
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Minty reply on February 2nd, 2009 12:42 pm:
“Skippians” sounds good to me, though you could make “Skippers” work as well. . . nah. Skippians.
Sean Beattie reply on February 2nd, 2009 12:35 pm:
“Skippites” sounds like an ancient Middle Eastern religion or group, like “Hittites” or “Sumerians”. I do like it, though.
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Minty reply on February 2nd, 2009 12:44 pm:
Ooh, I didn’t think of that! Yeah, “Skippites” is the best one. And all good Skippites must go out into the world and spread the word of Skippy!
Shit, we already have commandments, so why not?
laughing-in-class reply on February 2nd, 2009 2:37 pm:
They all work for me! Although, I have to agree with the consensus and say…Skippites of the world…UNITE!
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Sanity Thief reply on February 6th, 2009 4:20 am:
Skippiopians?
February 2nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
you should NOT swear at the drunk customers – sometimes they remember when you tell them that you don’t give a shit how much they think they need that beer after sales end.
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February 3rd, 2009 at 7:43 pm
What was that about free booze?
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