How to give your CO a shower in Ramadi
Let me tell you a little bit about my old HHC commander. He was by all means a Renaissance Man, a Tom Hanks from Saving Private Ryan type character, but his unfortunate lot in life was not to command Rangers, but to command an HHC (Headquarters and Headquarters Company), usually full of staff officers and NCO’s and some support people.
In order to preserve his own sense of honor, to lead by example, and to keep from getting bored he would volunteer to do just about anything to get outside the wire, no matter how dangerous the mission. He would harass me about missions, and remind me every time that I had an open position on a dangerous mission that he was available.
I would always try to fill it with someone else, not because he wasn’t a good soldier; he was, but you don’t want your boss to be standing over your shoulder all the time, and if he were to bite it, it would mean I would have had to take command again. Fuck That!
On one of the more dangerous missions that we had run, we wound up coming back through the roughest section of downtown Ramadi at dusk, which is the worst time to go through that section of paradise. It was too dark to see well, but too light to switch to NVGs, and headlights were a no-go in this part of town. My CO had opted to gun in the lead gun-truck, which I was leading from.
Since the time of evening made this area even worse than it already was, we decided to follow our protocol, and speed through this area. We came upon a section of road that had been blown up from a recent IED, and had filled with local sewer water. Instead of slowing my vehicle down, I told my driver to speed up (If I were an insurgent, that is where I would place an IED, and since there was no going around it, doctrine suggests going quick as shit through it). Luckily there was no IED, but the hole was much deeper than it had appeared: what looked like 2-4 inches turned out to be closer to a foot. This sewer water splashed up over the windshield, and soaked the gunner. He was spitting out poop water, and swearing the rest of the ten minute ride home, and he smelled something fierce, along with the rest of our convoy!
When we finally rolled in and got out of the trucks, I saw that he was covered from head to knee in brown, the wind of driving fast had blown off most of the water, but it left him looking like the bowl of a toilet that had only been flushed once after a “Two-Flusher”. Except for his eyes, where he had been wearing goggles.
Not many people can say that they have showered their company commanders in shit and got away with it, but I can proudly say that I have!
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January 29th, 2009 at 1:30 am
Geeze I don’t even like opening my septic tank. That’s one of the nastiest things I’ve heard in a while.
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January 29th, 2009 at 3:39 am
I don’t know which would be more correct, that he sounds like a cool CO or that he sounds like a glory hound trying find his moment in the spotlight.I hope he immediately went to medical and got his shots for Hepatitis and such.
I probably could have phrased that better but its too early for my brain to fully engage.
Captcha “lb prisoner” – I got nothing at this hour of the morning
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January 29th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Well, after that he could honestly say he understands what the average guy in the field has to go through. . .
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January 31st, 2009 at 2:08 am
It should be pointed out, Lieutenant, that tradition dictates that generous quantities of alcohol should be involved when getting a higher ranking officer shitfaced. On the other hand, I would, were it in my power to do so, award you an Army Commendation Medal in consideration of all the money you’ve saved (yourself and the taxpayers).
Magnificently done, sir!
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February 1st, 2009 at 5:55 pm
I canhonestly say that I laughed my ass off. Having been the lead gunner in several trucks, on several convoys, I thought I had it bad. Now, however, I can see that I never had it THAT bad!
Captcha:
“city creditors”
who on earth forgot to pay the bill on the whole damn city?
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