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Archive for December 29th, 2008

Herbicidal Maniac

Monday, December 29th, 2008

Ok so I am not exactly in the military. Actually, I am a spouse… living in base housing. This particular blog is about last spring. Right now, my yardcare sins involve not being able to shovel the 5 foot snow pile that the snowplow drivers so graciously left at the end of my driveway when the temps reach -40. I can’t find my sidewalk to shovel it. They should just be happy that I cleared the driveway.

Here we are at yet another spring on Minot AFB and with it comes what we all in housing have dubbed the “Lawn Nazi’s”. These are the men and women who drive around base housing in the white trucks with rulers ensuring that no lawn exceeds 1 1/2 inches in height and that lawns themselves look nice. This means absolutely no WEEDS! EVER! I know this one from experience. Several times last year, I pulled up to my house to find a little white ticket taped to my front door with a list of my lawn “sins” checked off and little recommendations circled at the bottom telling me that grass seed, fertilizer, and weed killer were available at the self help store. Condescending bastards.

Before we move on, I should tell you, the condition of my lawn was less than perfect when I moved into the house the previous winter. Actually, one could go so far as to say it was a disaster, with the only things green or growing being one pathetic bush with three leaves on it. Moving on. I went to the self help store and received my allocated 6 oz bag of grass seed intended for my 1600 sq foot lawn, my 1lb bag of fertilizer and my 1lb bag of weed killer, all of which I dutifully put on my lawn while thinking to myself, “who the hell do they think they are kidding?” I waited. I watered. The only thing that grew was more weeds! What the hell! So I pulled the weeds and watered some more. The grass died. From out of no where, more weeds grew. I received my second ticket for weeds, and another note at the bottom saying that weed killer was available at the self help store. I went back to the self help store, a little irate, because it seems they mistakenly must have given me, not grass seed and fertilizer but dandelion seed and fertilizer. They tell me that I can’t have any more because they already gave me my allocated amount. I throw the balled up ticket at them and storm out. Now, I have to waste my own money on weed killer. So, I do. I buy all kinds of weed killer. I get the stuff that says it kills weeds but not lawns, guaranteed. I think I heard the weeds laugh at me. Then I get the stuff that says it kills everything including grass and weeds. It kills the grass in a two foot radius around every weed. The weeds are now two feet tall each. I try to pull the weeds up by the roots. They come back stronger, taller, and more numerous than ever before. I cry, plead, cajole, and beg the weeds to go bother someone else. Eventually, I pour gasoline on each weed and set them on fire.

The weeds came back. They are everywhere!

Nothing works on these things! They have a mind of their own. I swear I just watched one eat my neighbors cat. They are now as tall as I am, while all the grass that had been surrounding them has withered and died.

Oh, hell there’s another white ticket on my door! This time, in addition to the weeds, they are yelling at me because the grass has died. Their suggestion is to water it. Instead, I watered my neighbors lawns with total vegetation killer. Now all of our lawns look the same. Ha ha! Take that housing maintenance.

I have started an army of killer dandelions! I will overrun the base, nay, the world!!

It’s Another High School List

Monday, December 29th, 2008

Well it’s still Christmas break. I know this because my online game servers are just chock full of high school students. Thanks to them I now know important things such as anyone who disagrees with you is clearly a noob, co-operative dialogue can be replaced with volume, and that “gay” can be used as a verb.

I weep for the future.

So to honor these delightful seasonal opponents I present a list of things that you cannot do in High School.

(Submitted by an anonymous young lady who fears that her principal may look at this site.)

1. Don’t sneak into the principal’s office and “fix” the Friday memo.

2. Or replace his photo of his wife with Bill Gates.

3. Or draw boobies on his desk with permanent marker.

4. Don’t print SPAR (Smart People Against Religion) posters with the printer in the resource room.

5. Especially if your P.E. teacher is Baptist, and the extra balls are stored in there.

6. Especially if the computers store records of what was printed by who, and when.

7. Don’t draw boobies on security cameras. (They didn’t have lights, so I assumed they were off.)

8. Don’t spellcheck the yearbook.

9. Even if I was dared.

10. Even if I was offered money.

11. Don’t use spray starch on vending machines’ coin slot.

12. Don’t tell a clueless bully that vaginas have teeth.

13. Don’t ask him for his lunch money.

14. Don’t wear a “mikey effin way” shirt to school. (And I spent $10 on it at a thrift store, too.)

15. Don’t play with Superglue and the teacher’s coffee cup.

16. Don’t snap off Barbie heads and leave them in the soil for the archeology activity.

17. Don’t play Doom in computer class.

18. Don’t use the onscreen keyboard in the same.

19. Don’t point out that the science teacher is a VERY stupid Christian who told the class to pray to God to forgive us after we opened our anatomy books to page 74. (male reproductive organs.)

20. Don’t ask the librarian if they have a copy of the Anarchist’s Cookbook anywhere. (They don’t, trust me.)

21. Don’t release three (barking) dogs labeled 1, 2, and 4 into the school. (And hide cassette recorders all over the place with nothing but barking noises.)

22. Don’t replace a movie about the digestive system with lesbian porn. (Unless its Bill Nye.)

23. Don’t fill a sex doll with helium and put it in the gym. (I hid it in a pile of clothes at a thrift store.)

24. Don’t ever sign graffiti in the art room. (Even though it’s art.)

25. Don’t spam from school computers.

26. Don’t spam school computers.

27. My rights to taking my laptop to school can be revoked.

28. My rights to be in the hallways between classes can be revoked.

29. So can my locker privileges. (They see me putting beer bottles filled with Pepsi into it one more time, I’m screwed.)

30. Don’t glue a condom over the taps in the washroom.

31. Don’t put panties in the gym teacher’s bag.

32. Or the principal’s chair.

33. Or the garbage can in the hallway.

34. Or the vending machines.

35. Don’t replace “Stevie the Two-Headed Snake” with a Cabbage Patch head.