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Archive for December 14th, 2008

The ER Admitting List

Sunday, December 14th, 2008

It’s Monday. Which as you all know means it’s time for yet another list of things that you should probably not do. This time it’s for ER admittance.

(Submitted by Ekatseyanis)

1. Security is not my bitch
2. Nor is housekeeping
3. Or the valets
4. Not allowed to hit patients
5. Even if they hit me first
6. Not allowed to yell at patients
7. Even if they are being belligerent
8. Not allowed to make fun of patients
9. He is not “Messily Drunk” he is “Intoxicated”
10. He is not “Crazy” he is a “Psych Patient”
11. I cannot take holiday pay for every full moon I work
12. I am not a doctor
13. Advising a patient that the wait is two hours is ok; telling them to go home and take some Motrin is not
14. The fish in the fish tank don’t like Tootsie Rolls
15. I cannot suggest to patients that losing 100 pounds might be beneficial to their health
16. We are obligated to provide care to anyone who comes in, even if it’s dental pain
17. Medicaid patients are not freeloaders and I should stop insinuating that they are
18. The Sabbats are not federal holidays
19. Not allowed to argue with Catholics
20. Even if they started it
21. Not allowed to bet on patient’s diagnoses before they see the doctor
22. Not allowed to refer to patients as “Frequent Fliers” even if they are here every week
23. Not allowed to scare patients with all the things that MIGHT be wrong with them
24. Not allowed to tell patients about all the cool injuries I’ve seen
25. Not allowed to scare new employees with stories about all the cool injuries I’ve seen
26. In fact if the story starts with “I saw the coolest/grosses thing…” I should probably keep it to myself
27. The box of free stuff in the back office is for patients with grievances, not for me
28. Not allowed to puke in front of patients
29. Even if I am pregnant
30. Even if I’m pregnant and they smell like ass
31. Not allowed to ask a patient to see their injury
32. Even if a patients is jabbering away at me in Somali, I still have to smile and try to understand them, I cannot cut them off and ask them if they brought a friend who speaks English
33. I should warn visitors that the automatic doors swing out, not laugh when I hit the button and they get smacked in the face
34. Radiology techs don’t glow in the dark and I shouldn’t test that
35. “I don’t know” is not a proper response to any question posed by a patient
36. Or a staff member
37. In fact, I am assumed to be the receptacle of all knowledge relating to the hospital
38. When administration asks how I am this morning, they don’t actually want to know so I am always “Fine”
39. Not allowed to take bets on how many different drugs will be found in a patient’s system
40. Cracking jokes about “The crazy in room 4” is generally frowned up, especially if said crazy’s family happens to be within ear-shot