Payday loans
RedShirts 2 Ad Banner for Kickstarter

Archive for December 8th, 2008

Things I Would Do If I Was A Supervillian

Monday, December 8th, 2008

I will not try to take over the whole world.  That is just greedy, not to mention impractical.  I mean, have you ever tried to run a church group or a PTA meeting?  Well neither have I, because it looks like more work than I want to do.  Imagine how much more work trying to manage the affairs of an entire planet would be.

I will take over a modest-sized third world nation.  Most people living in developed countries won’t be able to find me on a map, let alone make any serious attempt to thwart me.

I will not pick a country with significant oil reserves.  This way no developed countries will see the need for any sort of military intervention for humanitarian reasons.

Nutrition is very important, and after all, you are what you eat.  Which is why I will eat nothing but clones of myself.  I’ll probably make a batch of them fight to the death first, and then eat the winner, making sure I only get the strongest one.  I will eat them toasted to seal in the awesome.

I will construct and wear a set of power armor that is covered by a layer of ablative orphans, thus preventing any heroes from trying to kill me.

I will not execute any minions for failing me.  Execution has been vastly overrated as an educational tool by villains throughout history.  Execution isn’t a punishment.  Execution is what happens when you are finished punishing someone.  I might make incorporate that last line into the badge of my secret police force.

I will have a giant harem made up of the most beautiful women from around the world.  No clever idea behind this one, I just figure if I’m going to be a super villain I might as well get a harem out of it.

Every super villain needs an albino cat to stroke while gloating over prisoners.  But I have noticed that the heroes frequently escape during the gloating and make an attempt at thwarting.  So my albino cat will be rigged with a tiny dynamite vest so I can fling at any inconvenient heroes as my last line of defense.  Because I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t see that one coming.

I’ll make up a fake weakness to a common non-toxic substance, and allow rumors of it to spread.  I’ll say things like, “If Captain Freedom learns that I can be melted using only silly putty, my reign of terror will surely  come to an end!”  And then when Captain Freedom shows up with some silly putty I’ll be all like, “You dipshit!  No one has a weakness to silly putty.  NOW EAT EXPLODING CAT!”