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The omen of the eyebrows

December 1st, 2008 by todd merriman

I woke up this morning, which is not my favorite time to wake up anyway, but society dictates it so. There I was in the mirror brushing my teeth, which society also dictates, but also it makes me feel better, so hey, everybody wins.

Anyhow, looking in the mirror, which is where I brush my teeth in the mornings, I skip showering (society has already asked far too much of me for so early in the day), I notice a wild eyebrow hair shooting straight down over my right eye. Now I’ve seen this ruffian’s kind before, so I reach for the tweezers to dispatch him forthwith, when suddenly I notice over the left eye his twin, pointing straight up towards the heavens.

What was going on? Was this some sort of omen — a message from the very Fates themselves? Would the plucking of one or the other determine the kind of day I would have? If so, how?

If I yanked the down-pointing right one and left the upstanding left one, was I choosing to let optimism remain while discarding the downer, or was I just choosing the downer? We get our word “sinister” from the Latin word meaning “left,” because the left was a bad omen in ancient Roman times. What would the implication of that be?

You might be thinking, “Just pluck both or them.” Please. You think the Fates are that gullible?

In the end, I just left them — each crazy eyebrow hair the yin to the others unruly yang — undisturbed, accepting the natural order of things.

Will the Fates buy that? Or will I suffer the consequences of my lazy, if balanced, grooming? By choosing to leave things the way they are, in disarray, have I not still chosen an equally destructive path?

I’m doomed.

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37 Responses to “The omen of the eyebrows”

  1. Stickfodder Says:

    Don’t pluck either one. Just cut them to a length that hides them amongst the others.

    “We get our word “sinister” from the Latin word meaning “left,” because the left was a bad omen in ancient Roman times.” Yeah well the ancient Romans can go fuck themselves I’m left handed and I’m not evil. Oh wait, never mind.


    kelly reply on December 2nd, 2008 5:51 am:

    Wouldn’t cutting them be just as bad as plucking them? I mean, which one would you cut first, and would cutting one before the other create another destiny entirely? Or would it prove to be the same, because though you aren’t plucking them, you are still altering them?

    I say you should just wet your eyebrows down a little bit and slick them back? Oh you could do that finger lick (forefinger and pinky) and smooth your eyebrows back! What is that from? I want to say Grease or Happy Days or something…


  2. Dave in NC Says:

    Pluck ’em. Where’s the excitement if you’re not tempting fate?

    I’m also left-handed so I guess that means I’m naturally non-conformist.


    Lauren reply on December 2nd, 2008 5:31 pm:

    I agree. Where’d the fun in living if you aren’t taking a risk? Ditto on the left handed thing as well. I say LEFT ON!

    Left handers of the world UNITE!


    Stickfodder reply on December 2nd, 2008 11:18 pm:

    “Left handers of the world UNITE!”

    It seems that we are. On Skippy’s list.


  3. Storm Raven Says:

    Most lefthanders I know are non-conformist and a bloody minded lot, however that maybe because until relatively recently it was common practice for schools to try to force lefthanded people to write with their righthand in the UK. This was especially if it was a church school and still was going on in the late 1970s in some schools.

    Lefthanded people have to be more adaptable as well, because it’s a righthanded world, yes, I’m lefthanded as well.


  4. Dan Says:

    For all you lefties out there, that’s really only uncommon in America, most countries in Europe are predominantly left handed. This means you are all terrorists!


    Tony reply on December 2nd, 2008 10:40 am:

    “For all you lefties out there, that’s really only uncommon in America, most countries in Europe are predominantly left handed.”

    What? Where did this claim come from?

    Surely, you must be joking, right? This is sarcasm that my sleep-deprived brain just can’t figure out.

    (Oh yeah, I’m left-handed too. That makes how many of us, so far? Four out of seven? How about that, huh?)

    (CAPTCHA: Street Adios. The “gangsta” way of bidding goodbye to your acquaintances?)


    paula reply on December 2nd, 2008 1:37 pm:

    Add me to the list of non-conformist lefties! And yeah, I went through that force-’em-to-write-with-the-right shit, in America and in a non-church school to boot. I’m proud to say that my then-seven-year-old self was so stubborn and butt-headed that though they kept sending me to the principal’s for detention and/or simply smacking my left hand, I am and have always been a proud lefty!!


    TeratoMarty reply on December 2nd, 2008 9:44 pm:

    He pulled it out of his butt. We’re online, remember?


  5. Sequoia Says:

    Just remember. Left is the opposite of right, and right is the opposite of wrong, so, logically, left=wrong.


    Anonymous and STILL Employed reply on December 2nd, 2008 12:13 pm:

    What about the old saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right?” Because they sure as hell don’t make a left either! Logic is overrated.


    Andy reply on December 3rd, 2008 10:00 am:

    surely following his logic 2 wrongs make an about turn.. which isnt a left or a right


    Sera reply on December 4th, 2008 6:44 pm:

    No, three lefts make a right. ;P


    Andy reply on December 5th, 2008 4:56 am:

    does a bigger wrong make a bigger left ?

    depending on how wrong u are u turn less or more….
    then 2 wrongs might make a wrong or a right

    im confused il get back to my work…

    Sequoia reply on December 6th, 2008 10:12 am:

    Hey, don’t mess up the greatest revelation I had when 5, alright. Besides, wrong/left and right aren’t inverse operations and don’t undo each other. Why? Why not?

    Captcha: “Recommenda funny” I’m not gonna be funny godddamit.


  6. TeratoMarty Says:

    There comes a time in every man’s life when he must resort to the tweezers, or suffer big bushy old Andy Rooney eyebrows. But, if you shower, sometimes you can steam them back into place without the plucking. I’m a big fan of everyone showering every day.


  7. Billy Says:

    To everybody who tries to use any signs to determine stuff, I should warn you that I am non-conformist in the most ways most ppl know, yet I am right-handed. Also, despite being born under the sign of the lion and being born the year of the tiger, I show few qualities that both are supposed to exemplify. As for fate, it has already been determind long before our creation, therefore, your choice was made long before you even noticed anything abnormal about your eyebrows, otherwise, it would not be fate.


  8. SpaZzy Says:

    I’m ambidextrious. What does THAT mean?



    Dave in NC reply on December 3rd, 2008 1:01 am:

    It means you are just trying to please everybody. No one likes a kiss-ass.

    captcha: assured thought – oh wait, it’s the internet.


    SpaZzy reply on December 4th, 2008 11:13 am:

    Not true. The person who’s ass I’m kissing sure Loves it.



    Mike reply on December 7th, 2008 1:11 pm:

    Means you are confused. Just stand still and fate will direct you.


  9. Andrew Says:

    I was born ambidextrous. Which of course drove everyone around me, and me, nuts. I would do one thing exceptionally well and everyone would demand to know which hand I had done it with. They were of course trying to label me “right-handed” or “left-handed.” If truth be told though, I do most things right-handed simply because it’s easier, as most things are made for right-handers.

    Oh and Stick, about your eyebrows. Shave ’em both off and just read tea leaves in the morning. Much more accurate. If you really want accurate though, practice haruspicy. Use zombies if you can.


    Stickfodder reply on December 2nd, 2008 1:05 pm:

    You mean Todd not Stick, right?


    Andrew reply on December 3rd, 2008 1:02 pm:

    No I meant Stick. Good advice for Todd too though.


  10. Anonymous and STILL Employed Says:

    An interesting problem. Although, I gotta say you think an entity as ancient and unforgiving as fate would leave such a simple one-sided message? What if “good day” eyebrow hair also means one of your friends gets mugged, while “bad day” eyebrow hair means some douchebag at work gets promoted (good for him, bad for you) I quit trying to figure this stuff out a while ago because omens usually turn around to bite you in the arse.


  11. Caine Says:

    I’m also ambidextrous to a certain extent. As an example, if a meal requires the use of a knife and fork, I hold the knife in my right hand and fork in my left hand for the whole meal. However, if a meal does not require the use of a knife, then I hold the fork in my right hand, sometimes my left just to screw up my id. =)

    As for your mutant eyebrows, yeah shave em. Start over. =)


    Tony reply on December 2nd, 2008 2:36 pm:

    “I’m also ambidextrous to a certain extent. As an example, if a meal requires the use of a knife and fork, I hold the knife in my right hand and fork in my left hand for the whole meal.”

    Umm… That’s not being ambidextrous. That is just simple table manners. :)


  12. Jim C Says:

    Right and left handedness can actually be tested, using the Vulcan salute from Star Trek! You can open the gap between your middle and ring finger as wide on your dominate hand as on your off hand. No seems to know why. The best guess is that the muscles are more developed on your dominate hand, shorting the tendons, and preventing it from opening as far. Nice Useless triva for today.

    PS are you right or left eye dominate?


    Blue reply on December 2nd, 2008 3:36 pm:

    …My hands open the same amount, and I am definitely right-handed. On the other hand, I do type mostly with my left hand (hunt and peck), maybe that has something to do with it.

    Pretty sure I’m left-eye dominant, though, since I can’t see worth a damn out of my right eye.


    paula reply on December 2nd, 2008 5:34 pm:

    hate to bust up your theory, but my hands open equally, and — while I guess you’d say I’m right-eye dominate — it’s because my left eye’s vision is extremely poor.


    Anonymous and STILL Employed reply on December 3rd, 2008 9:21 am:

    I got a dominant left eye but I can do the Vulcan thing equally with both, which busts your theory. I write with my left but can do a lot of things with one, both or neither of my hands. I’m just a tad freaky.


    Andrew reply on December 3rd, 2008 1:08 pm:

    Ah… eye dominance… Again, I’m weird. I shoot with my right eye, but I discern details with my left. When going from bright to dark I let my right (shooting eye) adjust to the darkness first. Yet I read with my left eye (my right eye doesn’t move while my left goes nuts, as I can easily read an 800 page book in about 7 hours). I dunno which is my dominant eye, and neither does my doctor. I asked.


    Stickfodder reply on December 3rd, 2008 2:09 pm:

    Honestly I never even knew that there was such a thing as a dominant eye. I don’t think I have one.


  13. Doc_G Says:

    I’m not sure if its ambidextrous or not but I can jerk off w/both hands, does that count?

    As for forcing one hand dominance over the other, when I was about 22 I went to pick my oldest niece up from school early one day and I sat out side her classroom door trying to get the teachers attention w/out disturbing the class. I saw the teacher smack my nieces hand w/a yard stick for using the left hand. I promptly barged in and demanded the teacher accompany me to the principals office. I kindly informed the principal that if the offending teacher did not cease striking my niece for using her naturally dominant hand I’d either sue the school or break his arm. That pretty much fixed that problem.

    My eye dominance is determined by the prone or sitting position. I use different sides for each. Man I can’t tell you how many pushups I had to do in basic or how crazy it made my Brown Round that he couldn’t break that little “quirk” of mine.


  14. Trisha Says:

    Oh man, you’re hilarious. Those poor eyebrows. Good and evil.

    Ya know what you could have done? Employ the help of a friend and have them pluck one hair and you pluck the other, doing this at the SAME TIME. Then fate will stay aligned.

    Oh, eyebrows.


  15. Billy Says:

    I have come to the conclusion that as for right/left hand/eye, mine are a bit screwed up. my right hand can write, though not well, but my left hand is stronger. also, both eyes of mine are bad, however, i do tend to keep my right eye open during bright sunlight due to the fact that left eye is bad, and i can keep one eye open completely if i close one eye in the bright sunlight.


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