Archive for November, 2008

I just got Boomerang, the classic cartoons channel, and it’s sweet.  It’s been so long since I’ve watched the Herculoids or Johnny Quest–the only thing the channel needs is more hardcore 80′s/early 90′s shows, like the Centurions and Pirates of Dark Water and Reboot.

Which brings me to my next point: the Smurfs.  Oh man, I was watching the Smurfs–sober no less–and in some intense moment of clarity–like God was massaging my brain or something–I had this weird insight into Smurf sociology and biology.  You know what it was?  It was the presence of Sassette, the only other female Smurf that sparked this intense revelation.  Ignoring Smurfette, because she was artificially implanted into Smurf society by Gargamel, Sassette is the only naturally occurring female Smurf.  But that leads to a host of problems in terms of Smurf reproduction, right?  How the hell do Smurfs reproduce?  One female and all these males?

Well I’ve come up with a pretty adequate theory, I call it the Thunderdome Hypothesis.  Once the lone female Smurf reaches sexual maturity all of the male Smurfs–save for the gay ones, like Vanity Smurf–enter a battle royale.  All Smurfs enter, one Smurf leaves.  And that champion Smurf, who is considered fittest of all Smurfs, is crowned Papa Smurf and must wear a red uniform, marking his status as leader as well as metaphorically symbolizing the blood of his brothers that stains his very soul. That Smurf then breeds, and the female repopulates the village until she births a female, after which she shrivels up and dies.

That Papa Smurf, or the Alpha Smurf, as I call him, proceeds to rule over the village until the next Smurf battle.  Then he surrenders his uniform to the next Alpha, and steps down, taking a simple advisory rule until his death–like Grandpa Smurf.  Also, Smurfs live hundreds of years–as referenced by Farmer Smurf in that episode where Smurfette was searching for a blue rose–so this event is relatively rare.

So then I started thinking, what impact will Smurfette’s presence have on the stability of the Smurf village and social hierarchy?  You can’t have two Alphas; that would lead to an imbalanced hierarchy and the depletion of resources due to overpopulation.  So I imagine Papa Smurf must have issued some sort of decree where no Smurf is permitted to have any sort of sexual relations with Smurfette; her presence will be tolerated, for the Smurfs are a peaceful people, but she will not be considered a reproductive female.

You know what would be a f!cking amazing Smurf story arc?  So Smurfette has an affair, or is raped, or whatever, and becomes impregnated.  Papa Smurf, realizing what sort of hell might be unleashed upon the Smurf order, announces that Smurfette and her unborn child must be killed–the first Smurf execution in history–to the shock of all Smurfs.  He places his hand on her torso and exclaims, “Within this wretched womb gestates an impure soul.  It must die, for it descends from an unclean magic.  Its birth shall destroy us all.”  Some Smurfs understand, while others–especially Rapist Smurf–are outraged.  An uprising ensues where the village is divided in two.

The Smurf is born, but it’s not blue, no, some unsmurfly color, bearing the mark of its own damnation.  An omen, feels Papa Smurf, who starts pressing ever harder for the death of it and its mother.  Under the cover of nightfall, Smurfette and her followers flee, and establish a second village.

Village 2, under the military leadership of Brainy Smurf, launches a preemptive offensive on Village 1, attempting to assassinate Papa Smurf after it’s discovered that Papa Smurf is organizing death squads to slaughter Village 2 for their insubordination.  “There can be only one Alpha!” He shouts and beats his fist as Grandpa Smurf rubs his shoulders and tries to calm him down.

The assassination is botched by some sort of series of hilarious hijinks, and an all out war ensues.  Smurfs are being slaughtered left and right, it’s bloody, horrific, a war to end all Smurf wars.  Finally, as Village 1 is set ablaze by Arsonist Smurf, Papa Smurf pleads to Mother Nature for aid–who’s forced to balance the knowledge that this bloody mess was started by Papa Smurf’s own hubris, while Smurfette and her progeny are corrupted creatures, unnatural, tainted–she strikes the earth before the invading Village 2 army, dividing the land in two and sinking the second village into the sea.

Smurfette watches on, alone, atop some high perch as the new village sinks; Smurf soldiers are clasping the rocks of the eroding soil, some falling hundreds of feet into the sea.  She turns to the original Smurf village, watching it burn, her vision blurred by tears.  Suddenly, she’s short of breath, choking, falling to the ground and grasping her throat.  Meanwhile, the fallen Smurfs, tumbling under the force of the ocean currents, open their eyes and begin gasping for air.  Their blue color fades and they begin sprouting tubes from their heads: Mother Nature’s greatest act of mercy.  And thus the Snorks are born.

I need friends.

Polkster has a web-comic called Polkout.com , which he would like you to visit.

Now when you read the title I’m sure you thought “Great, another Disney fanatic!” And you aren’t wrong, but this isn’t about a Disney film.

This is about me and another soldier who just happens to have the best qualities of a red headed librarian, school teacher, Miss Universe and the super-hot naughty nun all wrapped into one cuddly little bundle.

But first a little background. I used to be a highly competitive athlete. I was a swimming, diving, rock climbing, snow boarding, skate-boarding, biking and running machine. Unfortunately this meant that I also received a fair share of injuries from each sport. By the time I was twenty I had dislocated both my shoulders on no fewer that two hundred occasions, broken almost every bone in my body and had dislocated my left hip no less than eighty times. But I was still quite limber and wiry so I could use these impairments to my advantage for the gross-out type humor. And I could do a very good impersonation of a redneck pig farmer.

Around Halloween two years ago I was showing off for some of my buddies at work and word leaked out that I was some kind of freak of nature that could twist my body into a weird shape and sound like an insane pig farmer. A little later that day I was on my way to a briefing at HQ and this bombshell of an Airman stopped me and asked ever-so-nicely if I would do the impression for her. Well since on a scale of one to ten she rated at least a fifteen I agreed and after dislocating three major joints in my body, folding my arms backwards across my shoulders and turning my voice into a raspy shriek of insanity she proceeded to laugh in a most convincing and distracting way. Distracting because I did not notice I had moved in front of the VCOs office, something I would tend to notice and avoid. Needless to say, he was not amused.

So rule of thumb, if you are going to do something to impress a beautiful woman, make sure it’ll impress everyone else as well.

P.S. The super-hottie is taken now. Her name is Tressie and she got married December 14 of last year. To me.

Here is a list of bad ideas from a UK co-op grocery store.

(Submitted by Jason Cyrus)

1. Do not let customers hear you pointing out how retarded they are. This will get you reprimanded.
2. Even if they asked where to put the basket while standing 2 feet away from the pile of baskets.
3. Even if the boss agrees with your comments.
4. Do not undo the tops of twist top beer bottles to punish the anti-social alcoholics that enter, with stale beer.
5. Do not stash cash-checking pens in hiding places “Because the morons in the garden centre keep losing them.”
6. Do not threaten to chop shoplifters hands off.
7. Do not threaten to put shoplifters in the freezers.
8. Do not threaten to imprison shoplifters in stock cages.
9. Do not threaten to do both 7 & 8 together.
10. Do not under any circumstances actually do these.
11. Do no get a pack of straws out and yell “Save the booze!” when a cage of alcohol smashes in the back.
12. Do not actively insult company stupidity for making said smashed cage so heavy it fell off the back of the truck because the wheel jammed and tipped it.
13. Do not push a cage so fast it’s liable to kill a small child if you don’t see them.
14. Do not push a loose stock cage so fast it’s liable to kill you.
15. Remember to secure stock appropriately when you try 14 anyway; a case of fast moving soda to the groin is NOT fun.
16. Do not insult managers when they don’t have a clue.
17. Especially in public.
18. Even when they fully agree with you.
19. Even if staff from the last store he worked for comes in and starts the conversation first.
20. Do not publicly mock other customers.
21. Do not go “Ape shit” at a female customer who’s PMSing.
22. Even if she is burying you in cuss words and is a junkie.
23. Even if she deserves it.
24. When held at knife/gun point and asked for the till do not tell them where the safe keys are because you hope management will get stabbed/shot.
25. Even if they’d do the same to you.
26. Do not ignore standard stock rotations just to get the job done quickly.
27. Even if its awesome to find cans/jars/boxes from over a decade ago lurking at the back of shelves.
28. Do not squirrel away alcohol that is rare and has been mis-priced.
29. Do no reduce items more for yourself.
30. Don’t try to convince managers to support this method.
31. Don’t mock managers when they do it themselves when they think you aren’t looking.
32. Don’t blame a recently-left manager (sacked or otherwise) for overly reducing items you get caught with.
33. Don’t turn off the cameras late at night and play “Dive through the displays.” It hurts when full boxes are buried underneath the toilet paper.
34. Don’t encourage disliked managers to show off their strength by lifting things very likely to injure them.
35. Don’t check the disused box bailer in case you can successfully fake an industrial accident with above manager.
36. Do not play trolley racing with long trolley lines and lots of traffic.
37. Don’t make menacing gestures to youngsters who are vandalizing trolleys.
38. Never under any circumstances chase down shop lifters and give them a kicking.
39. If you catch a shop lifter never try to push him into traffic so he can’t get away.
40. Never tell the police your manager is lying to them when he says shop lifters damaged the main doors in the struggle when it was his fat ass.
41. Never tell said manager you did this.
42. Never threaten the previous night kiosk shift with insertion of miniature bottles in orifices for leaving a mess the night before.
43. Never threaten similar violence for other offenses like not turning off the lottery point so you can’t get accurate printouts.
44. Don’t threaten to put that same shift in the disused bailer for not tying up the magazines correctly so they get left and not taken away.
45. Don’t cuss out the magazine supplier for short-stacking you with major selling items.
46. Especially if a nearby colleague is on the phone with them and you can be heard.
47. Don’t publicly mock fellow employees for being so stupid they must have been thrown down a flight of stairs at birth.
48. Even when everyone else agrees and does so as well.
49. Don’t make said stupid employee cry/want to kill themselves even if it will benefit humanity.
50. Don’t mock employees who come into a Sunday shift with really bad hangovers.
51. Do not hide their orange juice/pain killers when this happens just to see how long they last before they ask you for money to get more.
52. Don’t threaten customers who break jars and leave them laying without telling you, with contaminated products if they do it again.
53. Don’t flirt with customers.
54. Even if they are smoking hot and enjoying the attention.
55. Don’t threaten Chavs/neds/hoodies with extreme physical violence for entering your store.
56. Do not attempt to go through with this threat when you catch them shop lifting.
57. Do not go “Off the deep end” at 15 year old girls flirting with you in an annoying way and annoying other customers.
58. Do not encourage customers to “Slap the stupid” out of the above.
59. Do not tell the customers you hope that burning smell is the store burning down.
60. Do not communicate your avid disappointment when its a false alarm.
61. Do not shout “Woohoo” when the store is actually on fire and start taking bets on if it’ll spread.
62. Do not get pissed at second manager for ruining the product display you made to impress the store manager.
63. Do not rig wine bottles to stick to the shelves on your last week at work so they’ll slip and break when you aren’t there.
64. Do not put items through as waste “Because no one buys it and I need more shelf space.”

See if you can find the item in here that is not like the others.

Mortal Kombat a capella in Central Park

“Star Wars” – a solo a capella tribute to John Williams

Nintendo a capella

Daft Punk a capella

And in case you haven’t had enough of politics here is Dave Barry’s analysis of the election.

Went off to Vegas last month, it was quite a blast, but I have come to realize that there is a new list of things that I am no longer allowed to do in Vegas.

1. Cannot hit on Kirsten Dunst.

2. Even if my girlfriend says “I’d fuck her”.

3. Because her bodyguards are rude (she totally wanted it).

4. Kirsten Dunst’s bodyguards don’t care if what happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas.

Cannot tell the people trying to hassle you to buy tickets on the streets:

5. No I would not like any, but here, have a hooker calling card.

6. I’m Samuel L. Jackson, do I look like I want to go to a motherfuckin’ show, I AM the motherfuckin’ show, motherfucka.

7. Do you know what I do for a living? No, Loan shark! I break knuckles for a living! Do you still want to bother me?

8. *grab fiance’s arm, and start acting panicky and pointing at them*, (she had been coached by me to ignore them) There is another one, WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THEM, WHY DO THEY TORTURE ME WITH  FREE SHOWSSSS. You’re not real, do you hear me, YOU ARE NOT REAL, STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!

9. *grab fiance’s arm, and start acting retarded and pointing at them*, (she had been coached by me to ignore them) FREE SHOWS YAAAAAAA!!!!, *claps hands* I WANNA SEEEEE WAYNE NEWTON YAAAAAAA!!!! MISS FERGIE CAN I SEE FREE SHOWS, I WANNA SEE CARROT TOP YAAAAAAA!!!! *claps hands*

10. Only authorized to tell the “free show” people that I am a local, which makes them leave you alone quick.

11. It is not customary to tip dealers with airline peanuts, even if you saved her half the bag.

12. If the guys from the Spin Doctors sit down at my Holdem Table again, I am to walk away.

13.  “Wait I’m gonna take their stacks, its the least I can do after them turning me into a dork in high school” will be thrown back in your face by your fiance as you walk away 2 grand poorer.

14. I am not Danny Ocean, and the broom closet in the Bellagio is not where Benedict’s goons beat me up.

15. I am not to tell random women that I am a famous hockey player, and take on a fake Canadian accent.

16. Not allowed to tip cocktail waitresses with Command Sergeant Major Coins (was actually an accident).

17. Not allowed to split 10s against a dealer shown six again. Even if I win 75$ because I took the cards that would cause the dealer to bust, and the dealer beat everyone else. My own Grandma called me an asshole for that one.

18. Not allowed to blow on people’s craps dice without their permission.

19. I am not Kenny Rodgers, nor should I start singing “you’ve got to know when to hold them, Know when to fold them etc.” while sitting in the poker room. This really pisses off the locals.

20. I am not Matt Damon in Rounders, when asked if I really had it on a head-to-head fold I should not say, “I’m sorry JOHN, I don’t remember”.

21. On the flight home I cannot tell my Fiance, after proposing in Vegas, that “what happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas, now give me the ring back.”

And so I’m keeping my post light tonight, as I am spending the evening with Chinese takeout, the Left 4 Dead demo, and The Guild on DVD.

And so here are a bunch or random thoughts I never got around to using for any other posts.

• Veteran’s Day should be a national holiday, but only for Veteran’s.  Everyone else has to work.  And bring us beer.  And naked women.

• Most people on the internet would rather eat a live baby than read an opinion they disagree with, even when it’s just the set up to a joke.

• If you are a morbidly obese black man, you should not go out in public wearing a red sweater over a white collared shirt.

• If you are a morbidly obese black man and you do go out in public wearing a red sweater over a white collared shirt, you should probably have a better sense of humor about people singing the theme song to cartoons based off of Bill Cosby’s work.

• A ferret can burrow completely through an unattended lemon meringue pie, cartoon style, in about 3 and a half seconds.

• Last week David corrected me for incorrect use of the word “equestrian”.  Normally that sort of behavior annoys me, and would result in him being banned from my compound once the inevitable zombie uprising gets underway.  But his invention of Zombie Cowboy Boxing is awesome enough to make up for it.

• I really want Zombie Cowboy Boxing to be a real sport.  I would be glued to the set while it was showing.  It would also make an awesome video game.  I’m picturing a rugby/polo hybrid, but with zombies.

• I think all professional sports franchises could be improved with the inclusion of flesh eating zombies.

• In fact, there aren’t many situations I can think of that are not improved by the inclusion of cannibalistic undead.   Reality TV shows.  Motorcycle races.  Cat Shows.  The Democratic National Convention.  The O’Reilly Factor.  Oprah.

• Zombies are kind of like pasta: you can serve them with anything.

Here in Texas, they have a rule called the Castle Doctrine, which says if someone tries to break into your house, you don’t have to run away. You can just kill them. It looks good on paper, but I wonder if it doesn’t make it too easy to just call up somebody you don’t like and invite them over.

“Hey man, yeah. Look, we’ve had our differences over the years and I’d like to settle things once and for all. So come on over. I’ll put on a pot of coffee and we’ll talk things out. Oh hey, just so you know, the place is a little messy and the front door lock is stuck, so don’t bother knocking. I’ll leave a window open for you. You can just climb on in. What’s that? Should you bring anything? Well, how considerate! Yeah, bring an axe. You know, so we can bury it.”

If you ever need to get rid of a body, just drive to a stranger’s house and tell them you’re with the phone company. This little white lie will buy you an hour of undisturbed digging in their back yard. Plus, if you go to an old lady’s house, she’ll invite you in for lemonade when you’re done.