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Archive for November 26th, 2008

Holiday Survival Guide

Wednesday, November 26th, 2008

It’s that special time of year when families get together to eat massive amounts of turkey, catch up on events of the past year, and do massive amounts of shopping come Black Friday.

Unless your family is like mine, in which case you are making plans for the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

So in the event that your town is subject to a siege of shambling horrors that thirst for the still-warm flesh of the living, here are some handy tips.

1) Put 1-800-454-8000 on speed dial. If you need to call this number you do not want to have to go looking for it.

2) If you see a bunch of people sprint past you carrying automatic weapons and covered in rotting viscera, try to keep up with them. The movies always show that guy whose last thought is “What the heck are those guys running fro- OH MY GOD_Urk”

3) If you see me sprinting past you while carrying an automatic weapon and covered in rotting viscera, run perpendicular to my direction. Because I will shoot you in the foot to use you as bait. I don’t got to outrun the zombies, just you.

4) In any group of survivors there is usually one person who I will refer to as “creepy religious guy”. He’s the one muttering about God’s will, and how we deserve this punishment, and keeps saying disturbing quotes that sound kind of like they came out of the bible, but you are pretty sure that he’s just making them up as he goes.

No good ever comes out have letting him hang out. It’s only a matter of time before he tries human sacrifice or just let’s the zombies into your shelter. And he always get’s ripped apart in a horrible fashion. It’s best for everyone involved if you just give him a nice clean bullet to the head now.

5) In the event you come across a scientist who finds the zombies to be “fascinating specimens”, or crusty old military officers who start grumbling about “the perfect soldiers” see rule number 4.

6) Make certain that none of your friends are stupid enough to do any of the following: Read creepy old books out loud, open strange barrels with military warnings on them, screw around with angry lab monkeys, or propose any activity in a spooky abandoned mental hospital.

7) Never, ever, under any circumstances, attempt to have sex with a member of the undead. I would think that this particular rule is completely obvious to every person on the planet, but when you watch the kind of movies that I do it becomes evident that it is not.

8) If one of your friends has gone off to be by themselves, just assume that they are a goner. Don’t be the schmuck that goes off looking for them. That schmuck always get’s eaten by the zombified version of their friends.

9) If you hear a sound, but it turns out to just be the cat, start running. There are zombies behind you.

10) Do not take a shower during a zombie apocalypse. The zombies know when you are taking a shower, and they will show up. They also know when you are having sex, participating in underage drinking, cheating a friend, or doing any other morally questionable activity. Zombies are kind of like Santa Claus that way.

Another important thing to do to is, of course, to practice. Which is why I am spending my free time playing Left4Dead. It’s not only one of the best zombie games ever, it’s also one of the best co-op games ever. If anyone reading this has the PC version send me your SteamID and I’ll add you to my friends list.

A Comprehensive Analysis of Sailor Scouts

Wednesday, November 26th, 2008

Skippy’s Warning: This one goes far, even for me. While that warning sinks in, bear in mind that in the past year I have made light of lesbian koalas, forced clown cannibalism, and pterodactyl porn without flinching.

Often within the realm of intellectual discourse, scholars stumble upon a question or a problem unto which no unanimous solution can be afforded. This is usually the case with matters that are seemingly limited to our own subjectivity – our tastes, preferences, desires – allowing us only to “agree to disagree”. And this is generally understandable; after all, while you and I may enjoy pepperoni on our pizza, there is no objective measure by which we can rationally argue it as the best topping.

But there is one debate that I believe is not limited to subjectivity and which has a clear, unquestionable, objective solution, and that is the question of which Sailor Scout is the most fuckable.

Before we can even pursue a definitive answer to this question, we must define our criteria for “fuckability”. “Fuckability” is not merely one’s physical ability to be fucked – as in, a dog is fuckable because it has a penetrable orifice but a slab or marble is not because it does not – but also the degree to which one could be fucked under normal conditions.

Normal conditions are as follows: we, the fucker, are a heterosexual male with typical heterosexual male tendencies. That is, our tastes and habits do not deviate from the typical societal norm. For this reason we can eliminate Chibi Moon from discussion because she is prepubescent and thus not “fuckable”. The same applies to Chibi Chibi, who is both a child and some sort of abstract corporeal entity, neither of which we would normally fuck. Moreover, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune are lesbians in a committed relationship, so it is doubtful that they too would be fuckable under these conditions. Granted, many scholars theorize most lesbians are just faking and can be broken of their man-hating habits by a variety of simple procedures, most common of which is the standard “deep dicking”, however such matters are still heavily debated. Besides, having to break a woman of her lesbian tendencies merely adds to our wooing workload, and thus decreases fuckability. For simplicity’s sake, Uranus and Neptune will be classified as “Not Fuckable” as opposed to “Ultra Low Tier”.

I doubt most scholars would object to Sailor Mercury and Sailor Moon herself being assigned to our “Low Tier” of fuckability. Sailor Mercury is rarely portrayed as anything more than a frigid scholar, completely absorbed in her school work, possessing few other hobbies or special interests. Yes, you could fuck her if you so desired, but it would be entirely passionless and sterile, like fucking a pig’s fresh carcass–warm, yes, but hardly mobile or responsive. Additionally, her constant intellectual banter would prove tiresome and would create too difficult an environment for any sane man to sustain an erection. The same is not true of Sailor Moon, who is obviously far less frigid and far easier to interact with, plus her kisses taste like bubblegum, which is also a plus. But then why assign her to the low tier? First of all, she is in a committed relationship with Tuxedo Mask; granted, as an adversary he’d hardly be threatening, what with his limp-wristed rose throwing and scrawny build–easily dealt with by a simple shotgun to the face–but being faced with any sort of competitor merely adds to the time and effort necessary to bed a woman. Second, Sailor Moon has a daughter from the future who is not only irritating as all hell but who would also serve to complicate the relationship. We would be obligated to frequently deliver the all too infamous “I’m not your fucking dad” speech and her presence would consistently serve to derail all sexual tension. Why settle for Sailor Moon when there so many other Sailor Scouts who have no such baggage?

Sailor Pluto and Sailor Saturn are among the least developed characters throughout the entire run of the animated series. Other than their looks, which are comparable to that of their other scouts, there is really no criteria by which they can be judged. Obviously, Sailor Saturn is not fuckable in baby form, ala the beginning of Sailor Stars but I must concede that Sailor Saturn under the possession of Mistress 9 would actually be quite the terrifically viscous fuck, with biting and scratching, among other acts of kinky fun. “She definitely looks like she knows how to take a dick,” a colleague argued. However, the fact that she is evil, and the ephemeral nature of the whole possession, still would keep her from being included in the “Top Tier”. And, on a purely technical note, Mistress 9 possession is not default Sailor Saturn, so its relevance to this discussion is questionable. All in all, there is no obvious reason to assume anyone would have a particularly difficult or easy time fucking either of these two, nor anything to imply it wouldn’t be good. Therefore we must default them to “Mid Tier”.

This only leaves us with Sailor Venus, Sailor Mars, and Sailor Jupiter for our high tier. We can justify their presence by first asserting there are no particular limitations in pursuing them; they are heterosexual, they are not in committed relationships, and they have been known to fawn over men. Next, we can see that they each have their own particular positive qualities; for instance, Sailor Venus is the Sailor Scout of love, therefore it is not unreasonable to assume she would be particularly affectionate and amorous, the kind of woman you “make love” to, not just merely fuck. Sailor Mars is a Shinto priestess and has the ability to exorcise demons, which I know would benefit me personally in many ways, and has, appropriately enough, a rather fiery personality. Whereas Venus would fuck with passion, Mars would fuck with fervor, as if she were trying to break your very manhood from your body. Thus we would be foolish to deny them spots in the “Top Tier”.

< But what of Sailor Jupiter? Surely we did not forget her? Of course not, as we have asserted upon initiating this discussion, there can be only one objective answer to who is the most fuckable Sailor Scout. Our eliminative process has restricted our final candidates to Mars, Venus, and Jupiter, and the exclusion of Jupiter from the "Top Tier" can only mean I believe her to be the most fuckable. But how can I defend this claim? Jupiter obviously fulfills the same difficulty requirements as the other two, but it is her unique characteristics that allow her to outshine them. Of all the scouts she is considered the best cook, and while snuggling and exorcising demons have their benefits, neither is as consistently useful as cooking ability. On average, we eat three times a day, seven days a week; how often do we need a good snuggle? How often do we need a demon exorcised? Next, Jupiter is the physically largest Sailor Scout. Not only is she simply the tallest, but her thighs and posterior are the most muscular, allowing her to crush you like some sort of wildly erotic sex vice. Being the most physically powerful you know you could engage her in wild and viscous acts of animalistic fucking. And when she finishes bruising the living hell out of your manhood, she can make you a milkshake or some fudge cake. Being the biggest tomboy of the group, after having sex and eating, and then having more sex, you could snuggle up on the couch and play LittleBigPlanet with her.

Using clear, objective, scientific examination skills, we have found a solution to a problem most scholars would have incorrectly labeled as “subjective”. Remember, readers, all things can be explored through the rational means I have demonstrated today.

Polkster has a web-comic called Polkout.com , which he would like you to visit.