Went off to Vegas last month, it was quite a blast, but I have come to realize that there is a new list of things that I am no longer allowed to do in Vegas.
1. Cannot hit on Kirsten Dunst.
2. Even if my girlfriend says “I’d fuck her”.
3. Because her bodyguards are rude (she totally wanted it).
4. Kirsten Dunst’s bodyguards don’t care if what happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas.
Cannot tell the people trying to hassle you to buy tickets on the streets:
5. No I would not like any, but here, have a hooker calling card.
6. I’m Samuel L. Jackson, do I look like I want to go to a motherfuckin’ show, I AM the motherfuckin’ show, motherfucka.
7. Do you know what I do for a living? No, Loan shark! I break knuckles for a living! Do you still want to bother me?
8. *grab fiance’s arm, and start acting panicky and pointing at them*, (she had been coached by me to ignore them) There is another one, WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THEM, WHY DO THEY TORTURE ME WITH FREE SHOWSSSS. You’re not real, do you hear me, YOU ARE NOT REAL, STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!
9. *grab fiance’s arm, and start acting retarded and pointing at them*, (she had been coached by me to ignore them) FREE SHOWS YAAAAAAA!!!!, *claps hands* I WANNA SEEEEE WAYNE NEWTON YAAAAAAA!!!! MISS FERGIE CAN I SEE FREE SHOWS, I WANNA SEE CARROT TOP YAAAAAAA!!!! *claps hands*
10. Only authorized to tell the “free show” people that I am a local, which makes them leave you alone quick.
11. It is not customary to tip dealers with airline peanuts, even if you saved her half the bag.
12. If the guys from the Spin Doctors sit down at my Holdem Table again, I am to walk away.
13. “Wait I’m gonna take their stacks, its the least I can do after them turning me into a dork in high school” will be thrown back in your face by your fiance as you walk away 2 grand poorer.
14. I am not Danny Ocean, and the broom closet in the Bellagio is not where Benedict’s goons beat me up.
15. I am not to tell random women that I am a famous hockey player, and take on a fake Canadian accent.
16. Not allowed to tip cocktail waitresses with Command Sergeant Major Coins (was actually an accident).
17. Not allowed to split 10s against a dealer shown six again. Even if I win 75$ because I took the cards that would cause the dealer to bust, and the dealer beat everyone else. My own Grandma called me an asshole for that one.
18. Not allowed to blow on people’s craps dice without their permission.
19. I am not Kenny Rodgers, nor should I start singing “you’ve got to know when to hold them, Know when to fold them etc.” while sitting in the poker room. This really pisses off the locals.
20. I am not Matt Damon in Rounders, when asked if I really had it on a head-to-head fold I should not say, “I’m sorry JOHN, I don’t remember”.
21. On the flight home I cannot tell my Fiance, after proposing in Vegas, that “what happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas, now give me the ring back.”